Dear ones, <BR>It is one year since my husbands confession. We have been in counseling and are recovering well, with the exceptions I mention in the following letter. I'd like opinions from betrayers and betrayeds. Should I give it to him? <P>Hi.<P>I wanted to tell you some of the things that I have been thinking about, without the pressure and discomfort of being face to face.<P>I feel like this is our ‘real’ anniversary, since it has been one year since that night you told me of your affair. It seems that we’ve been real and honest with each other for only 12 months of our 18-year relationship.<P>There are so many good things to remember –<BR>the night you ‘came home’ on Labor Day weekend - the walk on the beach and the phosphorescence in the sand, the passion we expressed. <P>We’ve had so many wonderful times just us two and with the kids, especially the cruise. <P>You have done so many little things that show me you care and want to help me trust. I love you for that, because I know that it takes extra effort to think to call me, and to tell me about your day so I feel like part of your life. <P>Because I don’t want to ruin our good times or stir up bad feelings, I sometimes avoid saying what I am thinking. I thought if I expressed myself in writing, you’d have a better idea of what is going on in my head when I am distant or melancholy.<P>I wonder if you miss her. I worry that you still think of her when we make love, or between 5 and 5:30 when you used to talk on the phone. <P>When we make love, I think “he thinks I am a big ox, I’ll bet he has to think about someone else to enjoy himself, I’ll bet he wishes I were little and cute”. I imagine how exciting it was for you to have so many secrets with her, and how boring it must be to be with me day after day.<P>I try to think about all the good we have together, and think of the common history we have, grad school, the kids births and so many family holidays together. I hope and pray that these are enough to make you happy in our marriage, yet I am haunted by ghosts of insecurity, especially things you have said about my appearance, contrasted with the passion you had for her.<P>I don’t know what else to say, except how much I love you and how I treasure our family and our marriage. I am just trying to figure out how to heal and move forward, and it seemed like keeping these thoughts to myself in order to avoid being depressing wasn’t healthy. <P>

Alias,<P>That was great. You didn't LB at all, you were clear and to the point, and most of all, you weren't condemning him. That's funny - I posted my letter to my H right at the same time that you posted this! *lol* You're a lot more stable in yours, though. That's wonderful! I think that you should give him the letter. If he's been as wonderful, open and understanding as you have said, then I think that he'll understand and appreciate your feelings. Congratulations, and best of luck through the D-Day anniversary.

Liz,<BR>Just a suggestion...as I read your heartfelt letter...I felt the topics you bring up are an aspect of unforgiveness. I know your H hurt you, and he still isn't being who you want him to be, but you need to drop the past and the feeling of being "second best". Take each and every one of these hurts to God and let them go. Then re-read your letter, and if it is still right to give it to your H, do so.<P>With your beliefs, there is no reason for you to be "haunted", you are a child of the King. You are the Pearl of Great Price. Hang on to that, not your fears.<P>I work every day not to let the past re-attach itself to my thoughts and to remember I have forgiven & in my case, been forgiven...that is how you move forward.<P>As always, all the best.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

alias,<P>Please don't send this.<P>I know you must feel that <B>The Rule of Honesty:</B>(Be totally open and honest with your spouse. (page 139 of SAA)) is a good key to follow in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage</A>...<P>...but this kind of disclosure is not a "healing" kind of honesty/forgiveness.<P>Failure of your own ability to forgive yourself of falling into this thought pattern... is not evil... not is it wrong... it just happens.<P>But to expose these (most often uncontrolable feelings/thoughts) experiences is to the detriment of your marriage.<P>Don't forget the first rule...<B>The Rule of Protection:</B> Avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness. (page 90 of SAA)<BR>By you saying these to your husband...<BR>...you are not protecting him...<BR>...in some ways it is a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Buster</A>.<P>In continuing <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage</A>...<BR>...making changes in yourself is <B>still</B> of the most important thing you can do...<BR>...and sometimes (many times) the changes <B>must be</B> internal.<P>Prayers...<P> <P>Jim

I agree with Lor and NSR...<P>It is probably a good letter for you to write, but now I'd tear it up and let it go...

alias,<P>Hi there!<P>It has been one year and you have seen tremendous progress.<P>I think the two year time table of healing and recovery is more accurate. I am hoping so, I've come so far, actually am making significant strides presently, but I know I have a ways to go...and that is independent of what my H does or does not do (except for staying faithful, obviously)<P>Even if he read this and answered your questions, would you believe him or would you be tempted to think he was just trying to pacify you. There is really little chance of the letter being successful because I think the healing you still need is inner healing and sadly your H can support your healing but can not "cure" your hurt.<P>Thank God for how far you have come, pray for a complete recovery and just hold your H's hand and keep moving forward.

...<p>[This message has been edited by Beerman2 (edited September 13, 2000).]

I whole heartedly agree with Lor..and I would not send the letter. I loved your letter and felt it was very honest and pure, give the letter to yourself as a gift. And after you fill some of the voids still in your life and heal more of the wounds you then can take the letter and measure your progress. I have been in recovery for 1 year and one week, and looking forward to the 2 year mark. Until then I will keep my insecurities and thoughts while making love to myself. I think my insecurities had a lot to do with my H feeling resentful and helpless. My H cannot be responsible for my lack of self esteen only I can be held accountable for how I allow them to make me feel inadequate. Thank you for sharing your letter.

I think part of it is very sweet, heartfelt and thankful. But, I have to ask you what you hope to accomplish by expressing your insecurities? They are real and they are yours. You have every right to own them and put it out there, but to what end? I think we should all ask ourselves what our motivation is before doing anything. <P>It may be that you open a Pandora's box. If you are hoping to receive some sort of confirmation that he is truly yours and has no regrets about coming home, maybe it is wiser to look in another direction or go about it another way. This seems a bit risky to me.

Thanks everyone, for your kindness and insight.<P>Carolina Belle: I guess the 'no's' have it. When I think about it in terms of my h's feelings, I realize that the therapy of writing it may need to be enough. <P>Lor: you know me so well, it has been such a long road for us both--thank you for reminding me of my position as a child of God, and my husband's pearl!<P>Jim, you always manage to make me think! Of course I don't want to LB and make my h. feel rotten. I still have so much "internal" work to do.<BR>Thanks.<P>kam and KWAS: yes it was good for me to write...I think I will save it for another year to use as a benchmark for healing.<P>FHL: hiya, long time no chat! BINGO! You are right...I am in a hurry to heal, --yuck--another year? Oh well we ARE healing...so I'll do as you suggest and hold his hand and move forward. You are so right about whether he could do anything about how I feel inside...I WOULD just think he was pacifying me...<P>Beerman(Steve) Oh my gosh, the LAST thing I want to do is remind him IF he's actually forgetting! <P><BR>Thanks, all, I'll just keep it to myself as a reference point for my own inner healing.<P>blessings,<BR>liz smith/Pearl of Great Price<BR>

Alias,<P>I'm not back from my trip yet, but wanted to respond.<P>We all suffer from insecurities and infidelity just makes it harder. But they are your and my insecurities.<P>If you want a little reassurance sometime, you may be able to just ask him, lightly. My h has reassured me many times along the way.<P>I'm not sure what others are saying is supposed to happen after two years. I will never again have my eyes closed. But my insecurities have become much less as I've dealt with them.<P>I've stopped asking my h about those things (nine months for me). I honestly believe he doesn't think much of her aside from the times I bring her up.<P>Last night we were going out on a date and I set up his 'puter for my son to play chess. I found several chats of theirs from last Oct sitting right in the documents section. It's funny how the pain can be so fresh again, but I regained control quickly. It would be too long to go into how they got there (since ICQ was deleted last year), but I honestly believe him that he doesn't know.<P>What struck me was the light-hearted teasing and that he was so FUN with her. I told him I was upset to come across the chats, but didn't lb. Later, he asked me what went through my mind. He used to never ask these things. We taked about whether we could be fun like that. It seems we are too serious (and I don't mean sad or lbing, just too serious - from dealing with kids to being philosophical).<P>I know this was far more than you asked, but I just felt like sharing...<P>

popeye:<P>You raise a good point about intentions. I think perhaps I wanted my h. to experience some of the fallout from his affair.<P>schizzo:<P>I think you raise a good point about the OW being lighthearted and fun to be with. I know my h. thought of her as the perfect combination of drinking buddy and sex partner, with their common career as a bonus. I have tried to lighten up and be more fun, and I think I need to continue trying to be his favorite person to be with. Thanks so much for taking the time to post!<P>liz/pearl of great price<P>

A <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by alias:<BR><B>Dear ones, <BR>It is one year since my husbands confession. We have been in counseling and are recovering well, with the exceptions I mention in the following letter. I'd like opinions from betrayers and betrayeds. Should I give it to him? <P>Hi.<P>I wanted to tell you some of the things that I have been thinking about, without the pressure and discomfort of being face to face.<P>There are so many good things to remember –<BR>the night you ‘came home’ on Labor Day weekend - the walk on the beach and the phosphorescence in the sand, the passion we expressed. <P>We’ve had so many wonderful times just us two and with the kids, especially the cruise. <P>You have done so many little things that show me you care and want to help me trust. I love you for that, because I know that it takes extra effort to think to call me, and to tell me about your day so I feel like part of your life. <P>I sometimes avoid saying what I am thinking. I thought if I expressed myself in writing, you’d have a better idea of what is going on in my head when I am distant or melancholy.<P><BR>I try to think about all the good we have together, and think of the common history we have, grad school, the kids births and so many family holidays together.<P>I hope and pray that these are enough to make you happy in our marriage. <P>I don’t know what else to say, except how much I love you and how I treasure our family and our marriage</B><P><HR></BLOCKQUOTE>This may sound deceptive, but give your husband the "edifying" part of your letter.<P>If he is curious enough to find out what causes you "pressure and discomfort", allow him time to ask the reason why you are so distant.<P>My husband asked me "where are you?" whenever I was distant. I told him I was "battling memories of hurt." Sometimes, he would hold me. At other times, he reminded me of my "retaliation flings."<P>The bottom line is he learned what I was going through. I felt better I had a chance to tell him instead of trying to keep it to myself.<P>Once I told him, whenever the thoughts of hurt re-surfaced, there was no emotion--no pain attached to it anymore. <P>------------------<BR>Love hurts no one.

Hi Alias<P>I can understand fully why you feel so insecure with you husband.<P>You think your husband sees you as a big ox, well in truth that is how you see yourself because of the insecurity you feel about the affair.<P>I know how you feel, I have felt the same thing too, my h ow was 20 at the time with a lovely figure etc and I was 36 and feeling every bit of it.<P>Dont beat yourself up about this any more, you need to get a plan of action going for yourself to look after your weight etc, and not for him but for yourself.<P>I have done this and I am not at my goal yet but you can be damn sure I will get there.<P>I love my husband a lot but I am not sure if we will make it through this, but weither we do or not I am gonna make damn sure I am happy with the way I feel about myself both physically and mentally.<P>Hope this helps!<P>Dimples

AGoodPhrend: <BR>I had thought about using the positive parts of the note, so I did edit the negative and added words of admiration (His #3 EN). I gave it to him last night and he seemed to appreciate it, "Nice letter, thanks".<P>Dimples: <BR>the reason I am insecure about my appearance is that I am tall (just under 6'), and weigh 150 (5 lbs more than I'd like, but well within the healthy range: 37-28-39). OW is about 5'6" and 120lbs., and around 32-24-36. <P>When my h. was justifying his affair and being mean, he said that he felt more like a man with her because 1) she had to 'look up' into his eyes, 2)he could wrap his hands around her waist, 3)she fit nicely under his arm.<P>We have discussed this into the ground in counseling, because 1)I was this tall when we met -- obviously it only became an issue when he was looking for excuses, and 2)I can't very well diet inches off my height!<P>We are doing well in many areas, and we have agreed that this is 'his problem', since I can't do anything about it. He is 1/2" shorter, and lifts would take care of that, but he tried them years ago and said they were uncomfortable.....<P>thanks for your comments,<BR>blessings, <BR>lizzie/pearl of great price

Hi Alias<P>You sound like a knockout to me! obviously he is filling you full of crap, dont listen to it or take it on board, filter out the negative stuff.<P>We all tend to get obsessed with the other woman/Man and what she/He looked like (this is what happened to me)and obsess about where we went wrong and what can we do to change ourselves), but then I realised it wasn't about me at all, it was all about him and having his ego stroked.<P>I have bought myself an excellent book called Divorce Busting by Michele Weirner Davis which can be found on Amazon com, and it made me realise that no matter what you look like, if you show your spouse and tell them how good they look and how much you care about them etc, they will be head over heals in love with you in no time.<P>It knocked me for six because i really felt she was better looking than me and had a better body etc, but it was all about what she was saying to him, for example:<P>You are such a handsome man<BR>I love your strong body<BR>You are such a caring man<BR>I think you are wonderful<BR>How can your wife not see how great you are, etc etc etc.<P>I speaking for myself can honestly say I have never said any of the words above in the few years prior to the affair, in fact it was quite the opposite, and I know I played a part in driving my husband into the arms of this bimbo. This is not to say that he is blameless, but I now know what part I played, It has taken me a long time to come to terms with this and realise this, because i was so hell bent on blamimg him for it all.<P>I know this will never happen to us again, and I feel my husband will never ever do this again, maybe he will I dont know but if he does, he knows what lies in store for him and what he has to lose.<P>It's his choice - but I think he has learned his lesson big time.<P>Dimples