I've gathered that this forum tends to be populated mostly by the non-cheating partners. If I'm intruding, I apologize, but in my case, I'm the one who had the affair.<P>Even writing those words makes me cringe. I never thought I'd be one of THOSE men, the cheaters, the faithless. But I am, it happened.<P>In a lot of ways, the affair was fairly classic -- I'd been with my W for ten years, married for four, was feeling old, feeling lonely, feeling trapped in a job that was increasingly demanding and decreasingly pleasurable. My W was involved with her own work and family troubles. A younger woman and I struck up a friendship over the internet, it got closer, I tried to tell myself that the feelings of attraction were okay, or at least safe since I was married, after all . . .<P>There was consummation one drunken evening when my wife was out of town, after which I was horrified, told my wife immediately, broke off contact with the woman and tried to repair the damage.<P>I'm still working out for myself why I was so easily led astray. I guess my question for the forum is: what do I do now? Those of you who've been cheated on, what would have made you feel better, or made a reconciliation easier or more likely? What are common pitfalls for I (and my W) to avoid?<P>Thanks for any help anyone can offer.

Taxman I always like to give my input to WS because I seem to see what my H can do to reconcile so clear.<P>The best advice is to be ABSOLUTELY AND COMPLETELY TRANSPARENT to your W. Honest and Open about EVERYTHING. Open yourself up. If OW contacts you. Tell her. Show her. Tell her not to contact you. Tell OW how much you love your W. Give your W the space, time and understanding she will need to heal. You may have to make many sacrifices during this time and it will be hard. But do it. Your W didn't asked to be betrayed or hurt the way she is. She had no choices in any of this. Let her heal. Then move onto recovering your marriage and making it better. Talk all the time. Even when you feel there is nothing to say. Say it again and again. And back up what you say by your actions. My H's words no longer mean a thing to me. He's been talking out of both sides of his mouth for so long and now his words can't fix anything. Don't let that happen to you. Accepting your error, confessing and taking responsibility with your wife was the BEST move you could have made. Keep it up. Good Luck.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate<P>"Character is doing what's right, when no one is looking"

I think the cut-off of the affair, the honesty and the fact that you are here speaks volumes. I think you already have a good beginning and are doing the right things.<P>I think you should get into counseling NOW with your wife and find out what lead up to this and how you can avoid it in the future. It's great that you are sorry, but you are both still vulnerable until things change.<P>What would have made me feel better was honesty, some type of action that showed me that he was sorry, and a renewed commitment to having a good, devoted future. I would have liked for my H to take responsibility for what he did and then forgive himself. I would have liked it if he didn't blame me for all our problems.<P>Common pitfalls: Not talking about it. Going on with life too soon because things improve. You have to do the hard work so that it doesn't happen again. Love busting. You have to be forgiving and gentle with each other. Feelings are raw. Emotions are touchy. Being defensive because you feel guilty or because she feels betrayed. Look beyond the anger and see the hurt. It is much easier to be compassionate when you see that the other person is hurt.<P>...I wish my H had reacted as you did the first time.

Taxman -- First off, Welcome. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I've gathered that this forum tends to be populated mostly by the non-cheating partners. If I'm intruding, I apologize, but in my case, I'm the one who had the affair.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I for one am happy to say that yoiu are not the first, and hopefully you will not be the last WS to come here. In fact there have been and will continue to be many here who are, or have been in your shoes. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I guess my question for the forum is: what do I do now?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>That's an easy one, kind of . . .first read everything you can on this site. NSR will be along soon to give you a more formalized welcome I am sure, and when he does show up, read everything he suggests. You will find the basics (the easy) stuff there. The real work begins after that. Second, offer this forum to your W. There have been many couples who have posted here together and the interaction with each other and the rest of the forum can be tremendously valuable. My W posts here occasionally as well.<P>AS for the remainder of your question. . .I will defer to the others who have been more active than I of late. While I am one of the "old timers" here (almost 2 years) I was away from the forum for about 8 months, and have only recently begun to actively participate again. Thus far you have gotten some good suggestions to start with.<P>Good Luck, God Bless and once again . . .Welcome<P>

Taxman,<BR> <BR>Although I think the vast majority of the posters on this site have been betrayed, there are many, many posters that have been the betrayers. The site is not for one or the other, but saving marriages regardless of which side of the fence you were on. So,,NO,,you aren't "intruding." <P>Please, if you haven't read the General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)<BR>please do so. It contains so much important information. <P>How long ago was the affair? How did you end it? There are so many things you can do to make reconciliation better and ease the pain for your W. As you have already been told,,,BE HONEST. Don't leave out information, only to have it pop up later. Even if you think the info will be too painful to tell,,believe me,,what you don't tell will be imagined in your W's mind tenfold. For example,,if you bought her a drink, that's it, say so. In your W's mind she will have imagined you made reservations at a high class dinner place, ordered fine wine and hired a limo. The truth is so much easier. <P>Also, hold her, tell her how you feel, let her cry, ask her what you can do to assure her you are sorry and want a new start. Do not keep secrets from her. Give her complete access to your email, your pager, your cell phone. <P>And read. There is a complete list of recommended books on this site,,Read them. My favorite and the most helpful for us was "After the Affair" by Janis Spring. It will give you some insight as to why this happened, and what now,,from BOTH viewpoints,,yours and your W's. Excellent book. <P>And post! Recovery and rebuilding is tough,,no two ways about it. The ups and downs are incredible. But it is possible and I can assure you, the results are well worth it. After 2 1/2 years, my H and I doing great, and I would have never thought it was possible. Good luck to you....... <p>[This message has been edited by Nerlycrzy (edited August 24, 2000).]

Taxman...<P>Welcome! Sounds like you are doing well, so far. How is your wife doing?<P>There are several articles on the home page here on healing a marriage after an affair...<BR>check them out. To start you off... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5061_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5061_qa.html</A> <P>Good luck!<P>

All are welcome here, Taxman, except you.<BR>You cometh anyway, huh.<P>Seriously, as a BS, I think that all I need to repair my marriage from the affair with OW is time and acknowledgement from my H.<P>I need time to deal with my part in allowing the OW to enter our marriage and tear it apart...time to do my part in making myself a better partner in this marriage...time to accept that my marriage will never be the same again (not necessarily destroyed but changed)...time to heal from the betrayal of one of the most sacred of vows made from one human to another...time to learn to trust in this relationship again.<P>I also need acknowledgment on the part of my H...of how important the vow was that he broke...of how deeply he hurt me and our marriage...of how sincerely he feels regret for the hurt he caused...of how earnest is his willingness to do everything he can to restore our marriage...and finally of the<BR>need to be completely honest in our relationship in order to rebuilt the trust between us. <P>Given these I believe I could move on in time and rebuild or rather reconstruct our marriage...built on a firmer foundation then before.<P>I'm so glad that you are here seeking help. I wish all WS would make the effort. Just the fact that you're here means a lot. I hope you find the answers you need.<P>Buffy

Why did you do it? Playing with fire? Please do not rekindle with the OW or any other woman whatever the circumstances because if you do , your spouse will never believe you again.<P>Besides feeling great shame and remorse, your wife needs to know that you are fully repentant and the fruits of repentance have to be sincere and obvious. You need patience, you need to answer your wife's questions and rebuild her self esteem and confidence. You need to get your wife to talk through her feelings and ensure she gets the support and devotion from you. Depending on her personality, she will react either positively or negatively. Sh emay swing from one mode to another. But you need to make the sacrifices to show that you really want her and love only her and that she is the bee's knees to you. <P>Sit down with a counsellor and set acceptable boundaries of behaviour for yourself and outline that.<P>Bring her to your favourite places to soak in the memories of your happy past together so that she feels you treasure the bond with her. <P>Get her the book "forgive and forget - healing the hurts you do not deserve" by Lewis Smedes.<P>I wish you both work this out as you were courageous in telling her immediately.<P>Taxman, <BR>I need help from you concerning a few questions tha have been burning me up about my H's affair.<P>Why did you start the affair? Was it for a thrill or was it something you feel you want that is not in your marriage?<P>Can sex be only 'physical and mechanical'with no feelings involved? Can a man have sex under duress from the woman and while thinking what a stupid situation he has gotten himself in? What if the woman is not attractive physically?<P>When you are pissed drunk, do you know what you are doing and thinking? Or is everything only about getting the sex act done?<P>Why didn't you go back to the OW for more? <P>I hope I am not being too rude or intrusive but if you read my post "Adultery tormentors", you will understand that I have great difficulty coming to terms with my H's A. How can one drunken night lead to two years of a 'threatening' A? My H tried to answer the above questions but they were too ridiculous to me. If you can, please help.

Thanks to everyone who responded, and for keeping your hisses and boos to a minimum. I felt welcomed, which isn't what I thought I would feel.<P>Popeye: I hear you about not going on too soon just because things improve. A few weeks after I told my W, we were laughing together and kind of falling into our old routines of dealing with each other. At various stages, one or both of us has had to remember that things are irrevocably different, and that we would have to work hard to make things better.<P>Nerlycrzy: The affair was mostly an EA (no better than a PA, and in some ways worse, I know) -- I got to know the OW through e-mails and phone calls and occasional visits, virtually all of which my W knew about (but not all of them, and not all the details of how intense the "friendship" was, which should have been a clue that there was something wrong, even though nothing physical was happening). It only got physical that one time, which was about two months ago. <P>I ended it with a phone call to the woman. She's been fine about respecting my wishes and leaving it be, with the exception of once a month afterwards, when she e-mailed me to tell me that (a) she was pregnant (it could have been me, though there were other candidates) and (b)she had developed ovarian cancer that would require an abortion and months of chemotherapy. I was pretty heartbroken, wracked with guilty feelings, and told my wife about that, too, which I think raised the issue all over again.<P>Kam6318: W's emotional state varies a lot, often within the same day or hour. When I first told her, her first words were "we can get through this." And since then she's been generally extremely supportive and caring. There are moments, though, when it's difficult for her to get out of bed. Part of that is because the world refuses to stop, so I still have to be in work for 11 hours a day, she still has some professional and family difficulties she's going through, etc. Additionally, I think that after a few weeks, she started to feel drained emotionally, and needed me to pick up the ball and comfort her, which I was slow to do.<P>Several of you asked why I did it. I'm still figuring that one out. At first, I was just desparate to find a friend of my own. My professional life doesn't allow me to cultivate close friendships (my personality is just different than most of my colleagues), I'm basically a shy person, always had feelngs of inferiority, my W tends to run the social calendar, etc. Getting to know the OW, who was witty and charming and liked me just for ME, was like taking a deep breath after breaking the surface from a long dive. <P>I have problems keeping distance from people I really groove with, though, maybe because it happens so rarely and I'm so afraid of losing it. I always want to get closer, be more intimate, etc. The physical attraction happened very slowly. The conversations were always inappropriately intimate (discussions of our respective sex lives, etc) and grew more so. Eventually, I started to seriously think about her in an attracted, sexual way. I thought that was okay -- I knew there were people my W was friends with that she felt some attraction for, and that being married would somehow "protect" me, that I didn't have to watch out for myself because merely the fact of being married or someone else's respect for that would prevent anything really awful from happening.<P>The time that it got physical, it had happened in my mind so many times before that it seemed almost natural. It wasn't until afterwards, and particularly the next time I spoke with my wife, who was out of town, that what I had been doing sunk in.<P>Weep: I can't really talk for all men, just myself. And I don't know what questions you asked your H or what answers you found so implausible. But sure, I think it's possible that a man could have sex with someone for whom he felt no emotional involvement. When I was single, I tended not to do that -- if I didn't care enough about a person to be emotionally involved, I sort of didn't see the point. But other men, probably a lot of them, are different. <P>As I mentioned, my PA occurred on a drunken evening. But in my view no one does anything drunk that he (or she) didn't want to do sober. You'd have to be pretty drunk to not know what you were doing at all. I know that I was always aware of what was going on and what choices I was making. What does change is your thought process -- feelings you'd ordinarily be able to control you're less able to. Things that wouldn't seem reasonable start to sound reasonable. The OW told me point blank "you'll hate yourself for doing this", and I responded "yep." I don't know if that helps you at all, but that's how it was.<P>I didn't go back to the OW for more because I knew right away I'd done an awful thing -- to my W, our marriage, myself, and the OW, who relied on me as a confidant and a friend and who I would now, I knew, have to abandon. For me, anyway, the sex was sort of secondary -- the OW was an emotional crutch that I had grown used to and dependant on. Leaving THAT was hardest.<P>Again, thanks everyone.

Thanks taxman.<P>You have value - you respect your wife, your marriage. Thatis more than most WS can say.<P>I hope you try your utmost to win and woo your wife back.