OK, guys - here it is: <P>I know you all think I've done a great Plan A for my H - and I have. But obviously it got lost on ME somehow. I definitely have NOT improved myself as a person. <P>Almost had sex with the OW's H last night. We had a lot to drink. Couldn't go through with it. Didn't want it but he was persistent. We did everything else. I feel absolutely SICK. I mean physically ill. I just can't believe the total loss of self worth and the feeling that now I just don't deserve my H back. Because if I'd really wanted him - I wouldn't have let anyone else in my life.<P>Please, guys - help me. I feel so horrible I just don't want to see or talk to anyone. You don't know how difficult it is to post this up here. How humiliating and demeaning. I just feel worthless. How can someone hurt by an A so badly - turn around and do the same thing? What can I do? I don't even know if I should continue with Plan A.<P>Maybe this was a sign to me that I don't want my marriage. Maybe I should get my own act together since I obviously have some REAL issues for doing something like this. I just don't feel I would be good enough for my H at this point - not the love and devotion he needs. What was I thinking?<P>OK, I'm talking in circles - sorry. Someone please straighten me out. Please, please please......<P>Cali

Cali,<P>Please don't be so hard on yourself. I think we can all understand how vuneralbe you are at this time. We all are. Someone wanting us, touching us, saying nice things is something I long for and havent had for a very long time, and it looks like I won't have either. Forgive yourself, but learn a lesson of how easy it is to reach out to someone and realize that you need to keep out of certain situations at this time.<P>Its not a sign of anything but that you were hurting and vunerable. You feel rejected by your spouse as we all do. Don't let a moment of weakness change your resolve. <P>I know noone here will think worse of you. Don't beat yourself up any more OK? <BR>Lora<BR>

Lora, you made me cry. Thank you for not thinking less of me. My problem is I think less of me. It's just disgusting. By the way, the OW's H is my H's best friend.<P>This is really eating at me - JL are you here?<P>JL, JL, JL - give it to me straight, I can take it.<P>C

Hi Cali,<P>Well, is your glass half full or half empty? If it is half empty, you feel unworthy of your H, like a low life, and really really messed up.<P>However, if you glass is half full, then you realize that the experience has taught you some very valuable and important lessens that just may help you heal and help you heal your marriage. <P>1) You now have some idea how your H feels.<P>2) You now know that if you are vulnerable and feeling unappreciate, how easy it is to have an affair.<P>3) You did not go all the way with OW's H and you know it was because you withstood the temptation.<P>4) You can bet OW's H feels kind of seedy today as well.<P>5) You now know that revenge, really won't do it for you, will it?<P>Cali, use this new found knowledge to give you a new appreciation of what you are dealing with in your H. You see apart from the great times you think he is having with OW, you now know how he must feel most of the day. How seeing you takes quite a bit for him to do. While it will take time for Plan A to really settle in (it is fighting against his own image of himself).<P>So Cali, head up. Learn from it, use it wisely, and <B>don't do it again </B>. <P>You will do fine Cali, you just got perilously close to the flame last night.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

JL -<P>You are truly my light at the end of the tunnel.<P>And I'm VERY glad you're not a train. <P>With the most heartfelt and sincere "Thank You" I've ever said in my life,<P>Cali

Hey, I'm too late here...Lora & JL already said everything better than I could. So, I'll just add a hug....<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Cali}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Hang in there--<P>Kathi

cali<P>a lot of people in our shoes are vulnerable to such thoughts but often advised against it by well meaning friends. <P>So it isn't so bad. But you managed to keep your dignity by checking and controlling yourself in time. JL is so right about the revenge thing. <P>You are not unworthy - you are human. <P>Take care<P>weep

I think your reaction says you want your marriage. If you did not feel guilt that would be a sign that your emotions have left the marriage.<P>And quite honestly, bad choice though it was, it levels the playing field. You've lost a bit of high moral ground because you know with another drink or a little more time in a dangerous situation, it is possible you would have continued. If your H has been having any of the "you're so good & better than me & would never do this" stuff going on, you both realize that isn't the truth. He'll probably be quite angry, and that's another sign the marriage isn't dead.<P>Don't continue this relationship with the OW's H. The chances of it being healthy are nil.<P>You're ok, you made a mistake, pick yourself up and decide what you will do now. You can continue Plan A. What is the alternative? Plan B? Divorce? Lovebusting all over?<P>Get through today, have a good night's sleep tonight and things won't be as hopeless tomorrow.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

Cali, I feel for you. I can not say anyting more then the others have already stated. It was a mistake, take it as a lesson and learn from it. I know I can not be alone. Today is 3 weeks since he left and I have to be with people or talking to someone on the phone or in constant motion all the time. It is so hard. I have seen or spoken to my H everyday this week but not for long enough. Just take a deep breath and focus on today. We will get through this.

Cali:<P>I'm new here, and don't know your whole story, but I can certainly empathize with the feelings. A tends to make all of us realize the kinds of things that we're capable of, and it isn't always such a happy thing -- like "Gee, I'm MUCH nicer than I thought."<P>The good thing, is that no one is near as bad as their worst, or weakest, moments. Neither are you. I agree that the fact that you feel awful (which I can connect with, being a WS) shows that you're a good person. Mistakes happen, and aren't things you should beat yourself up over. But you should try to figure out why they DID happen.<P>This is as bad as you'll feel about it. Every day will get a little bit better, I promise. Good luck to you.

Mike C2[QUOTE]Originally posted by Cali:<BR><B>Almost had sex with the OW's H last night.</B><P>Man, I have GOT to move to your town <P>Okay, I just wanted to break the atmosphere. Well, as I can see, you know that this was a bad move. Although totally understandable and human given the terrible pressures you have been under....actually, the two of you have been under, given what he has been through.<P>Cali, I told you awhile ago that this OW H guy was playing up every event with an angle to getting his W back. Make sure you shut him down tight on what happened between you two....at least for the time being. He'll probably be tempted to use this to get his W jealous. If your H and you get going on a reconciliation, this will all have to come out....I'm sure you know that by now, you've read enough of the MB literature.<P>JL gave you some great food for thought and lessons to learn. Reread his post.<P>Hang in there, kid. You are a healthy young woman, and, after all, he moved out. It is understandable that you would be at risk for some sort of rebound relationship. If you want to get back with your H, just don't make that relationship happen with this particular guy.<P>{{{{Cali{{{{ <BR><p>[This message has been edited by Mike C2 (edited August 27, 2000).]