Hi MB'ers,<P>Just kinda sitting here getting updated on all of you, and thought I'd add a little (yeah, right) update.<P>To those of you (tootrusting, ect.) getting back in the school or job market let me say "go for it". I started my new job this last week, and it seems like it's going to be great. Yeah, a lot to get used to as I've been a SAHM for years...and was feeling like I was deserting my kids, but you know what? It's going to be ok. They are handling it great and though I'm a little tired it sure keeps my mind off of my life.<P>H is still roller-coastering (is that a word?). He is being sweet, but still comes by when he is in the mood and seems to have nothing else to do. He came by my new job on Wed. Just popped in! He just can't stand that I'm involved in something that has nothing to do with him...still, I was glad to see him and he ended up coming for dinner that night. It was a GOOD family time for all of us. These kids just love him so.<P>H asked to come over Fri to do yard work. He wanted to stay over. Well, kids ended up going their own ways, and H and I went to dinner and talked and joked for hours. He stayed here last night and it was just great...and I mean great. We got up this morning and made coffee...both did work around the house...just like a real married couple.<P>I did ask H a few nights ago if he wanted a divorce and I got a very firm "NO" on this question. I was shocked by his response and told him so. He said he wasn't even thinking in that direction. He gives me no promises, but it's somewhat obvious to me that he (all betrayers)need some time to get over what they have done. I think this thing has been just as hard on him as it's been on me. He refuses to let me take any responsiblity for any of it, which is frustrating. If I could show him what I did wrong, it seems like I could help him "fix" this mess...but he will not see it that way at all.<P>Well, as usual I've raved and ranted. <P>Let me add one other weird thing...and I'd love some opinions on this one. When he was here for dinner last week, when the kids were here, H and I (after the kids had gone to bed) started talking about his family, and other things and we started arguing. I got upset saying that I refused to argue with him (LB...right?), and he said that he sees arguing as a positive in our relationship. We went years without really arguing, just shutting down.<P>Have any of you found that arguing is better than withdrawl? (and I don't mean withdrawl from om/ow...I mean withdrawl from our own spouses) <P>Is this a good thing? I guess at least we're not ignoring each other any more.<P>Jeez, I'm long winded.<P>I'm praying for every MB out there. <P>allison

Hi Allison..<P>We used to argue and then shut down without getting to the root of it. Now we still argue but we work all the way thru till the end.<P>I think to say that you cant argue is crazy....we all have diff. opinions. You can do it without angry insults,mean words etc..<P>If your H thinks its good....then go with it <P>Take care..

Allison-<BR>Sounds like things are going pretty good for you! I am happy for you. I've been thinking about you and wondering where you have been.<P>I think that arguing is better than withdrawal. If you have read Harley's Give & Take, he describes 3 states of marriage- intimacy, conflict and withdrawal. During conflict, the couple is emotionally bonded but Takers are in charge. During withdrawal, one or both are in a state of emotional divorce- they do not feel that their needs will ever be met and there is no sense in trying any more. So.... conflict is definitely a step closer to intimacy.<P>I also know that I am much more comfortable arguing with my H than him being so withdrawn that he obviously does not care.

Hey AZ-<P>Is that Arizona? Anyway, yes I think that arguing in a constructive way is good. My H and I never discussed things for years. I would try and get him to react to the subject I wanted to talk about but I got nothing. Nothing for years. Even now, he cannot talk to me. He doesn't love me(he loves OW), and he doesn't treat me as a friend(no confiding,) It is like pulling teeth. And he drinks so he can numb out every night. It is hard to reestablish conversation. It has been missing for so long. But he is being courteous and being a good father, and going to counseling with me. That is saying a lot. He is doing more for us now than he has done for years in our marriage.<P>The only thing he seems to open up to is flattery--which I should have imparted on him years ago, he deserves it! I hope that we can get to talking and then get the courage to argue without fear. Yes it is good. You will resolve things, to their end. This will be comforting to both of you, and it will get easier. You will also learn a lot about each other through your diagreements, which is healthy for any marriage.<P>I can't wait to get there! <p>[This message has been edited by burnedspouse (edited August 27, 2000).]

Honey, you're doing so well!!! <P>Just keep taking it slowwwwwwwwww....<P>You cannot have an intimate relationship with any individual and not disagree from time to time. And you can disagree (argue) w/out lovebusting! It's healthy. What matters is HOW you argue....it's got to be win-win, ya know? It's only when one partner continues to come out of disagreements feeling not "validated" that it gets dangerous.<P>You're doing just fine.<P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori

Hi AZ, <P>I am happy to hear your post because it appears that things are easing slowly into a new 'dating' phase. Let H woo and court you back since H is feeling remorseful , and I hope fully repentant, of his A.<P>I am also inspired to hear that H is taking all the blame for his selfish act. My H is the same and no amount of my screaming and beatings (I know, I'm working on this one), would get him to say that there is some EN missing. In fact he said that he was tempted when stoned drunk when the OW went for him and was in hell-hole since (almost two years of trauma). <P>I also wanted to know if there were something about OW that was so irresistable. H kept insisting that if he wanted an A there would have been at least a few because there were many opportunities (he travels frequently and entertains a lot)with much more desirable women.<P>YES, I wanted to find a flaw in something so I can FIX IT and say "there, the marriage was not perfect before and that is why he strayed." It hurts so much to think that the marriage was 'perfect' as far as H is concerned and then H goes off and do something so destructive and tormenting to our relationship. What a waste of a very good marriage and partnership!<P>You should be happy to have a man who didn't lay the blame on you just so that he can get off the hook. <P>I wish you all the best.

Hi, Glad things are looking up for you. I will keeping praying that they keeping looking that away.<P>Michelle

Hey fellow Zonie! Glad to see things are currently looking up! I say currently, since all roller coasters go up and down without much warning. <P>I think arguing beats out silence. At the very least its communication. If you can argue without personal attacks that's even better. Sometimes communication can take strange forms. I spent Sat night with my W. We didn't talk about our relationship at all, in fact we went long periods without talking, yet I felt we accomplished something.<P>It's funny that you mentioned about "fixing this mess." Usually men like to fix things that are broken. Maybe he's coming to grips, however slowly, that he broke the marriage and it needs fixing.<P>Good luck!<BR>