Hey all.....<P>I am feeling miserable today. My wife and I have been making very positive strides towards reconciling lately. We have been major Plan A, she and I started attending church together, and we started feeling a lot like the old days when all was good. <P>She has been a wreck over trying to quit with the OM. He lives over 1,000 miles away. This all started as an internet affair. She does love him, very much. She has been feeling regrets over not trying to save our marriage. She just recently was able to admit to herself that what they have is an affair.<P>Anyway, she told him on the phone that she was feeling this way. He still wanted her to come see him (of course). She had bought tickets weeks before we started to get back on track. She did not go that night , after we talked, because I had thrown down an ultimatum 2 weeks ago, that if they met again, I was walking.<P>After a long night of crying, she came by the next morning, ready to fly. She said she just had to end it in person, to see that it was over. To me, this shows he means more to her than our marriage does. I told her I could not accept her sleeping in his house. She called and left a message last night saying she was ok, but no number. I assume she is at his place. I have not heard another word. I have the number, its how I discovered the affair in the 1st place, but I REALLY do not want to call it.<P>The Ticket was for Weds through Sunday. I told her if I saw her tonight there might be a chance, but if she comes back Sunday.....<BR>NOBODY needs 5 days with the OM to break up, or am I crazy????? What is killing me is not knowing WHEN she is coming back. I can't stand wondering if it is tonight, tomorrow...Sunday?<P><sigh><P>Torn up in SC,<P>SS4N

I am so sorry to hear about you situation.<BR>I think she is horribly disrespecting you.<BR>She seems to have picked this person over you. You cannot enable her to fly and spend<BR>time with the other man just to supposely break up with him. I think you did the right<BR>thing by saying the marriage was hanging in<BR>the balance if she went to see him. I would<BR>have thought a dose of reality should have <BR>set in but apparently it did not. I just <BR>want to say there are many wonderful women<BR>out there who are willing to love and be<BR>faithful to men. You will have to decide what <BR>you now wish to do with your life. Good Luck.

SS4N,<P>I am so sorry to hear that she has made this decision. I do hope that you hear from her. You know if she calls, you can do a redial and see where it is coming from, forgot the method at the moment. If it is a hotel, the operator will answer. If not well you know, the answer then.<P>I really don't know what to say to you. I know we have talked before and I have talked with your W. I guess you should probably think about Plan B. You don't want to lose all love for her and this is certainly doing it.<P>Do you have children? I have forgotten if you do. If so it makes Plan B more difficult but it can be done. When "k" gets back from vacation he can probably lead you through that step.<P>By the way what part of SC do you live in? I used to live there many years ago, now live on the west coast.<P>Hang in there SS4N, she is deep in the fog. Someday she will have a clue about how much she has hurt you. Right now, I doubt it. In fact this isn't even about you at all, just her and her needs. Very selfish, but very common.<P>Read here for awhile and you will see your story repeated over and over. It is like a script.<P>SS4N, take good care of yourself.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

JL,<P>Yes you have talked with me and my wife before. I was in Plan A for 5 months....she got deeper and deeper into the afair. They went PA in July, while I was in NY for a family reunion. I went to Plan B. <P>When she realized I had a date with an attorney, it sort of shook her. Also we never attended church, but I invited her a few weeks ago. That seemed to help a lot.<P>I think Plan "D" is where I am at now. I have been trying to save this since February, months before I even knew there was an affair. I am in counseling, and doing pretty good right now. This latest affront on my dignity and our marriage may be the last straw. I know this place is mostly about trying to save marriages. But it is also for preparing BS's to move on. I am emotionally about ready to go. I am preparing to file for divorce. Only thing that can stop me now is if I see my wife tonight... Otherwise, she has made her choice. If we divorce, I will never speak to her again. She has to learn to live with the consequences of her choices.<P>SS4N<BR>

SS4Now<BR>Wow, I am so sorry you are going through this. I also believe that going to break up with him was a mistake. She should have just written that letter, instead. You both should have come to a mutually respective decision on how this ws to be done. <P>I hope that you can keep your chin up until you W comes back. Talk with her, and maybe go to Plan B. You do it, though. Make your stand, and don't back out. <P>It is like with a child, if you tell them that they will get a certain consequence with a bad behavior, and you don't follow through, then they learn that you don't really mean what you say and they continue to do what they want with no fear of consequence. Good luck!

Yeah.....follow through is important. When my wife moved out, I was hopeful she would end the affair, because she missed me. In reality, they had tickets for him to come here 2 weeks before she moved out. Shoot, she even got them for him on Travelocity!!! <P>I told her before she left, that if they went physical I would divorce her. It didn't stop her from getting with him. I was not strong enough to walk away from the only woman I have ever loved enough to give my all to. I failed to follow through.<P>Counseling has helped me a lot. The counselor does not try to talk me into divorce, but he does tell what the majority of people in the same situation have done, and how they ended up. He also helped me to understand that no matter how I feel...I did NOT make my wife make the choices she made.<P>I am stong enough now to know that no matter how much I love my wife, she can not treat me this way. I am a good person, I am not ugly, I am kind, I will find someone who hopefully won't do this to me again. I am also aware of ENs and have improved myself tremenduously in my attempts to win my wife back. I just got there a lot quicker than some people I see on here.<P>I still hope to see her tonight....I still want my marriage. But what she is doing is so wrong, and she can't understand that right now.<P>Thanks,<P>SS4N

SS4N,<P>I have one recommendation. Keep going to church, it will do you more good that you can know right now. As for the D, well you and only you can make that decision. Your W is in pretty deep and it is very clear that your feelings are not utmost in her mind.<P>However, do me one favor. Don't divorce her to punish her. Do it because you want the divorce. You cannot punish someone who doesn't care, you only hurt yourself. So forget the punishment. Just do what you need to do and make the best of your life.<P>I suspect with what you have been through and what you have learned your future is very good. I know it is hard to see now, but if you are ready do it and do it for the right reasons, I suspect you will have a minimum of regrets.<P>Keep comming here and post in the D/D section . You will continue to get support.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

JL,<P>I will continue going to church. I really enjoy the one I am attending. <P>You are right. I DO NOT want a divorce. I guess I just have to keep sucking it up until we are back together in a good way, or I can't take it anymore. I would feel better if she filed anyway. Make her face that I did not want this.<P>SS4N

SS4N,<P>I am not advocating this but have you considered a legal separation from W? I think you wanting her to file for the divorce is reasonable. She can find time to get tickets for OM to come to your state and other things at least she can do you the courtesy of doing the work for the divorce.<P>However, SS4N, don't give up yet. I know it looks bad, but I somehow have this feeling that all is not lost. I would however talk with the lawyer about what your options are, timescales, how assets are divided, etc. Know all of this before, any discussion of divorce continues.<P>Plus I do think a strong Plan B maybe required. That doesn't just mean living in separate places, but no contact between you and spouse until affair is over.<P>SS4N, you have options left and you do have some control of the situation if not your marriage. Your faith, you ability to handle being on your own are strengths that you should not ignore. <P>Finally, please don't ignore what you have done already. You have shown yourself to be a strong and faithful spouse. When faced with the marriage coming apart, you reacted and you reacted well. You have much to be proud of. Don't forget it.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Hi SSFN:<P>I've never read your story before but it seems like you've gotten back on the roller coaster again. What always strikes me in the early posts of new members here is their inability to see that there is very little the can do about the situation as long as it is an ongoing affair. That's why your ultimatums don't work.<P>The affair will carry the WS along with it, like a piece of wood in a raging stream.<BR>Until the stream reaches its end and dies down there is nothing you can do. Nothing you say can be heard above the torrent of the water. All WS's concentration is on the stream...and staying with it to the end.<P>But you know after the stream has died, WS will start looking for the way back upstream...back home to safety. Here's where you come in...you're at home...preparing a good meal and a warm bed...a good place to come home to. While the current has been carrying the WS to oblivion, you've been preparing yourself to be a better partner, a better H, a better lover, a better person. Welcome home WS, how was the ride?<P>Don't underestimate WS's efforts to pull herself from the stream, it was just too strong. I see evidence of her effort which indicate her conflict with what's happening. Keep trying to throw her a olive branch...maybe she'll reach out and grab it. <P>Enough of the analogy. Did you do this for eight months to throw in the towel now? Oh, no!!! I'm doing it again. <P>Please don't rush into a divorce or finding another woman. Give this some more time. It's typical scenario for a WS...betrayal, disrespect, selfishness...all products of the affair and when it dies so do they.<P>Buffy <P><p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited August 25, 2000).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by SmallSteps4Now:<BR><B><P>I told her before she left, that if they went physical I would divorce her. It didn't stop her from getting with him. I was not strong enough to walk away from the only woman I have ever loved enough to give my all to. I failed to follow through.<P>Counseling has helped me a lot. The counselor does not try to talk me into divorce, but he does tell what the majority of people in the same situation have done, and how they ended up. He also helped me to understand that no matter how I feel...I did NOT make my wife make the choices she made.<P>I am stong enough now to know that no matter how much I love my wife, she can not treat me this way. I am a good person, I am not ugly, I am kind, I will find someone who hopefully won't do this to me again. I am also aware of ENs and have improved myself tremenduously in my attempts to win my wife back. I just got there a lot quicker than some people I see on here.<P>I still hope to see her tonight....I still want my marriage. But what she is doing is so wrong, and she can't understand that right now.<P>Thanks,<P>SS4N</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>SS4N,<P>Like you I have also been in plan A since the beginning of the year. This plan A was before knowing about this board and wanting to change myself because I knew I had to for the marriage. It was already too late as I know now that my wife was involved in an EA at that time. <P>It was not until around end of March that I starting realizing that something was going on. I continued plan A and tried to get W to admit to affair. She denied and I believed at first. Too many strange things finally convinced me that there was something going on.<P>OK, I'll get to the point :-)<P>At the end of June my W finally admitted after I threatened to go to plan B. Again I didn't know of this site and was doing both of these plans out of just instinct. Yes, 2 weeks later she left for the weekend with OM and came back wanting a D. I convinced her, along with having her read this board that what she was doing was not all all good - even for herself. I convinced her that that what she had become was not the person I had married. In fact she had become someone very ugly on the inside and then showed her the evidence of it. <P>She finally came out of the fog and we are now in recovery. She has since told me many times that my plan A is what brought her back. That through the worst of times I believed in her and was there for her even though she was treating me so terribly. <P>I thoroughly believe in Plan A/B. However, you have to really love your W and want the marriage badly because plan A is very difficult. <P>I believe that you also have to know that your W is a good person inside and what she is doing is not the true person that you know. If what you are seeing is part of her values and morals then I don't think any amount of plan A will help - in most cases. <P>Remember, this is just my opinion. Others should feel free to disagree or flame me if you like. In my case my W is a good person and she is starting to show that person again since coming out of the fog. <P>There is a lot of hope for my W and I. I don't know if we will make it, but I am very hopefull. For some on this board I don't think that their spouse has it in them to rebuild. You are the one that has to determine if your W has it in her and you have the faith in your marriage. <P>Don't make any rash decisions until you have thought these through thoroughly!!!<P>I hope this helps. I know it has been very helpful for me....<P>May God be with you. I know he has been with me and has helped immensly to get me to this point.<P><BR>Reborn<P>

[QUOTE]Originally posted by buffy:<BR>[B]Hi SSFN:<P>"...in the early posts of new members here is their inability to see that there is very little the can do about the situation as long as it is an ongoing affair. That's why your ultimatums don't work.<P>The affair will carry the WS along with it, like a piece of wood in a raging stream.<BR>Until the stream reaches its end and dies down there is nothing you can do. Nothing you say can be heard above the torrent of the water. All WS's concentration is on the stream...and staying with it to the end."<P>This is the most crucial thing I have read. I am still on the ride, and my h is totally as you describe! That is why he is so confused! He just cannot deal with every day life. All he can think about is her, the past 15 mos. of bliss and the love they share; and is it worth his kids? He really is not considering me at all right now. <P>Is the destruction of the family and everything he has built for the past 16 years worth a OW who may love him now, but for how long? Will she ultimately trust a man who had started a A with her when he was still "Happily" married? No. And if he puts NO effort in trying to save his marriage, or even discovering what went wrong, he may repeat it. Probably will--my X-stepfather did.<P>Thanks for putting it in prospective for me. If I can just keep that thought, I may not LB so much because of his silence.<BR>

Hey all....<P>Sad/bad news. My wife didn't come back until tonight. She is still undecided between me and the OM. Mad at me for calling her there the other night. (dumb move) Mad at me for talking to people about the affair. I feel bad for it now, but I was an emotional wreck after she left, and I do not think she undersands that.<P>I guess we are through. I asked would she sign a separation agreement, she said yes. We will talk about that tonight, I guess. I think I have lost my wife/lover/best friend. If I do not divorce her, I will go insane....if I DO divorce her, I will go nuts too. <sigh> I am so much stronger than I was, but I still feel weak.<P>Thanks for all the advice.<P>SS4N

SS4N:<P>Just think of it this way, you cannot lose what you don't have> You no longer have a wife/lover/best friend. What was once your wife has been replaced by an alien being <BR>I read her post and she is still out there. Doesn't sound like your wife will return anytime soon. Only you can decide whether to divorce or not. But please try to start detaching yourself emotionally or you will make yourself crazy. I don't know if you getting counseling or on meds those both seem to help. <p>[This message has been edited by TMD (edited August 28, 2000).]

TMD, <P>Yes I am in counseling, and doing pretty well most of the time. No, I am not on drugs. I know a lot of people are, but I try to avoid ALL drugs as much as possible.<P>We actually had a good talk tonight when I went to her place to draft our separation agreement. I admitted to several recent lovebusters I committed, and we both talked about unmet ENs and hurts that we had in the past that neither of us was really aware of. We got emotional at times, but held it together for the most part. <P>We are still going to attend church together and call each other when we want. Neither of us really wants the divorce. Hopefully we can get through all of this yet. Our talk has given me a spark of hope again, and I will hold onto that as long as I can. <P>I love my wife and still hope that the woman I married returns to me.<P>SS4N

SmallSteps<P>Hang in there. I just got back from vacation and your post broke my heart. But, keep in mind that sometimes the actual thought of going through a formal separation/divorce is just the kick in the pants that a WS needs to get off that darn fence. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. . .does lose hope. But you need to concentrate on feeling better - yourself. During this time, do what you need to do to feel better and to feel better about yourself. I will keep you and your wife in my thoughts and prayers.

SS4N,<P>The conversation sounded good. Try as best you can to hang onto this. Your W is very confused as you well know. So do exactly what SKM said. Take care of yourself. Do your best to get sleep and that will help get your emotions on a more even keel. It will also help at work.<P>SS4N, there is hope for you marriage, but realize all you can do is work on yourself and take care of yourself. Your W is the one that is going to have to take care of the mess she is sitting in the middle of right now. There is very little you can do.<P>So Hang in there keep posting and venting. It is good for you and you will see better days SS4N. Of that I am sure.<P>God Bless,<P>JL