So here's the latest--<P>I've decided to remove my wedding ring. Without the feeling of being married any longer, I have decided to remove any symbolic referance to a unity.<P>I fully expect to pay the price when my W notices the ring being gone. In a funny way, I'm looking forward to seeing how long it takes to get a reaction, if one even comes.<P>(BTW, yes, she still wears her wedding bands, but since she lost the diamond in the engagment ring, it's the only thing she wears. I have not replaced the diamond, nor an I planning on doing it at this stage.)<P>If pressed, I expect to tell her the truth. Without the feeling of being marriaged, without a partnership, without even a friendship -- the wedding ring is meaningless. Only when it means something again in this marriage will it go back on.<P>Okay, gang. I'm I creating a problem here. I'm not looking to quit on this marriage, but W has done zippo to help rebuild or foster any sort of positive steps towards healing.<P>I'm not looking to be disrespectful, but I know all about the "no LB" policy. It's just that I think I'm done with that now. I'm moving on emotionally.<P>Thanks to all in advance<P>--keystone

Keystone,<P>I know you have been here for awhile and it sounds like you are running out of gas. Have you thought about Plan B? <P>I ask this because if you don't feel you are married and you don't feel the need to wear your ring, then why are you staying married?<BR>I ask this because, if you aren't up to trying anymore, and you have done Plan A, which I know you have, then it is time for Plan B, with the potential that the marriage ends.<P>You need to consider this before all love for your W is gone. At that point the only thing left is Plan D. You are getting close to that it seems.<P>Finally, marriage is sort of like pregnancy in my mind. You either are or your not, if the institution means anything to you. <P>So maybe it is time to think abit about what to do next, taking your ring off seems to me like a ploy to get your W to notice you. Sorry to be blunt. You want more than her noticing that the ring is off. So think about this.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Good points, JL. Blunt, but also probably close to the truth.<P>I'm not of the belief that Plan B works when kids are involved. I cannot cutoff contact, and still be a responsible parent. I don't want my kids to think that I'm deserting them. <P>Zip, another poster here, took a position with his W that I really admire. He told her that if she wants a divorce, she has to make the first move, not him. I'm inclined to follow that very same course of action. In other words, the ring comes off for now, but if she wants out of the marriage, then she must files and she must move out. If I move out, if I cut off contact, I believe it will backfire bigtime.<P>--keystone

I don't know what the "right" thing is about wearing rings, but I took mine off. There were times during our marriage when I didn't wear them for various practical reasons (didn't want them to get lost or damaged due to my work), but I always FELT married with or without them and always made sure anyone curious knew that I was married.<P>When I took them off with the intent to never wear them again, it was hugely symbolic. The thought of wearing them was just repulsive. It was a mockery that I did not want to publicly live. <P>Sadly, they are beautiful and expensive rings. I don't want them anymore though and can't imagine what I'd ever do with them. I used to think that divorced people who didn't keep their wedding jewelry were fools-after all that is some investment! Now I understand.

I took off my wedding ring the day I found out about the OW, and tried wearing it now and then but every time I looked at it It broke my heart and I put it back in the safe....<BR>Well about 2 weeks ago ( YOu know H has been back in town almost 3 months) I DECIDED, that I WAS STILL MARRIED....even if he didn't feel married I did and was going to show him and the world that I WAS MARRIED and If this ring comes off again it will be after finale papers are signed for a divorce and HE WILL HAVE TO DO IT....(condition I set for myself) That way I will surely know it is REALLY OVER.....<P>Well since that time I put my ring back on, things have changed around here. H is acting more married than he has for the last 2 years. He still is not wearing his ring, and that is ok with me, because the day I see it back on is the day I KNOW HE HAS REALLY RECOMMITTED and that will be time to really celebrate....<BR>You know "FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT" , well I'm acting "as if" and acting is starting to imitate real...life...<BR>at least for now...I pray it continues....

Like Tyra, I took mine off when the whole thing surface, for the same reasons. My H has a job where jewelry is not allowed for safety reasons and he often didn't bother to wear his ring when off work. BUT, when he made up his mind he wanted our marriage to work he started wearing his ring regulary and giving me subtle hints about me putting mine back on. I kind of wanted to have a symbolic event in which to put it back on, but I started wearing it again gradually, as the relationship rebuilt gradually.

My H took his off shortly after he moved out. I remember saying, "oh. took your ring off huh?" and he just said yeah and shrugged his shoulders. I took mine off a month or so after his came off. I also remember the look on his face when he noticed that mine were off. He was shocked! <BR>He has, for the past 3 wks. seemed like he is turning the corner towards working on us. I've thought about putting mine back on, but they are to loose bc of losing weight. I would have it re-sized if I thought it mattered to him. I find that not wearing it and not running to him or calling him has made him want to call me more lately. If I put my rings back on, then I feel that I'd lose that "leverage" that seems to make him realize that I will go on with out him. At the same time, I tell him and show him, when he is around, that I love him, support him and want our marriage to work. So,I'm still not sure when I'll put them back on, but when it is right, I think I'll know it. Iam4us<BR>

im4us --<P>I think you hit on a key point. The ability to prove to your spouse that you are prepared and very able to move on without them is critical. One thing I refuse to be is dependant on her right now. The ring being off simply reinforces that fact.<P>I just want it to mean something these days. Like tyra said, looking at my ring just brings up thoughts that I don't care to revisit. It is like those key things that you've heard about with your S and the OP that turn your stomach. Why have to relive it everytime youlook down at your hand?!<P>Maybe this is act will cross a line that cannot be undone. I'm not wanting to give up, to quit. But, I don't see any progress toward rebuilding. Maybe it's just my way of saying that I'm done waiting around.<P>--keystone

Keystone,<BR>I also have had my wedding ring off for about<BR>5 months now. I felt the same way you do, it didn't mean a whole lot at the time. My <BR>H stopped wearing his a long time ago and shows no interest in putting it back on, so<BR>why do I need to wear mine? This is a big issue with me, and I have brought this up to him many times with no results. Oh well.<BR>Jessica

eliza52--<P>I only planned on marrying once in my life. The ring just reinforces that point. Yet, here I am questioning whether my marriage will even last to the end of the year.<P>The ring means something to me. I know it used to to her. She still wears her wedding bands. The diamond from the engagement ring fell off a few months ago, with almost no reaction. 15 (now 16+) years of marriage and you would have though she misplaced her cig lighter!<P>I haven't replaced it, and she hasn't asked. Why do it? The removal of my wedding ring was only the next logical step.<P>By the way, I've had the ring off since Friday and she has not mentioned it. Perhaps she's noticed but hasn't decided to say anything. Or perhaps she doesn't care.<P>--keystone

It is funny that you are discussing this today. Before I found out about my H ema about 2 months ago, the wedding ring meant alot to me. If he wasn't wearing it I would comment or put it on him as soon as he came home. It became an inside joke.<BR>The first counseling session we had he had done some work the day before and hadn't put it back on. I brought it with me and made a comment that he may want to put it on since this was our first visit. But after that, I thought what did it mean now? It seems to have lost its symbolism to me. Last nite we had our second session and of course he forgot to put it on.(He says it falls off in the shower since he has lost weight)He called to remind me to bring it. My response was why? And I didn't. <BR>For some reason, since he has broken our vows and actually wore the ring when with her, (he has told me that) It just doesn't mean the same thing. I still wear my band of my mothers, something I inherited and was blessed at our wedding. My engagement ring is broken, and normally would have been fixed by now, bit I really have no desire to. <BR>I don't know much of your situation, but do undrestand when you say that although you have removed it, it doesn't necessarily mean you want to give up on the marriage. I agree that it may help her to realize your frustration in that you feel that she isn't responding by trying to work things out.My H is trying to work things out, in his own way, but I feel that his betrayal has really affected the way I feel about him and the pormises he made to me. It just doesn't feel as important to me. I mentioned to him the other day that if we were to renew our vows it would seem like a new begining to me. Of course this would have to happen after we get thru all this other pain. Maybe thats when it would mean something again, but even that is a long shot. I'm sure I didn't help with any advice, but I wanted to share my feelings on this.

Keystone,<P>Why don't you give it back to her and say that the day we married you gave this to me as a token of your love and faithfulness to me. I don't see that desire in you anymore so maybe it is something that you should have back.<P>Just a side note I was talking with my wife the other day and asked her why people even get married in churchs anymore since divorce has become so easy? Why not just shake hands and say that for now you are the person that I want to spend my life with.<P>But if someone comes along or something happens (you pick one)<P>That is better then you.<BR>We grow apart.<BR>Become different then when we got married<BR>All of the above.<P>Then we can just split. That way everyone has the same expectations.

Zip--<P>How true. It just doesn't have the same meaning, but maybe that applies to just us. Perhaps to all those (lucky) souls out there that haven't had to go through this stuff, the institution of marriage and getting married in a church still means something.<P>I don't think I'm ready to give the ring back, though. At least not yet. But, I do find myself looking down to my hand, or rubbing my ring finger subconsciously -- then realizing what I'm doing. It almost seems like I'm Linus with his security blanket!<P>A sidenote: Although my parents never divorced (my mom dies when I was a toddler), both of my siblings have divorced. I took pride that I would not be following there lead. It was an important thing to me. <P>Not Giving Up --<P>The ring has to mean something. But, to be honest, I guess I'm hoping that the absence of the ring will jar her. I'm not joking around -- this is serious. She needs to know that I'm at the end of my patience, and I'm not going to wait for her to decide to try to repair the marriage, stop her drinking, get over her MLC, or anything else that I haven't listed. I'm done. If she doesn't get the message, she either wants the partnership over-and-done-with, or she's blinder than I'm giving her credit for.<P>It's also a warning to me. It's to let me know that, if I'm serious, this is what my future will become. Is that what I want? Am I willing to accept the consequences? I don't know the full array of answers, but there going to be staring me in the face pretty soon.<P>--keystone <BR>