The OM I am involved with is the most incredible person I have ever met. We love each other deeply and talk constantly about a real future together. We compliment each other on every level: intelectually, emotially, sexually, spiritually. It is as if he is my soul mate - the one I have been looking for all my life.<P>The hard part is that H is a good man who loves me dearly and takes good care of me. Sadly, I never will and probably never did love him the way I love OM. But if what everyone on this forum says is true - I should give up OM and try to work things out with H.<P>But how do I give up OM. He is the best part of my life right now - my only strength. How do I get him out of my life, out of my mind, out of my heart? How can I possibly ever forget my one true love? And who do I turn to when I am going through withdrawal? H? How could I ever explain this too him and expect I marriage to survive?

[QUOTE]Originally posted by saf:<BR><B>The OM I am involved with is the most incredible person I have ever met. We love each other deeply and talk constantly about a real future together. We compliment each other on every level: intelectually, emotially, sexually, spiritually. It is as if he is my soul mate - the one I have been looking for all my life.<P>The hard part is that H is a good man who loves me dearly and takes good care of me. Sadly, I never will and probably never did love him the way I love OM. But if what everyone on this forum says is true - I should give up OM and try to work things out with H.<P></B><BR>It is easy to enjoy the company of someone who can afford to spend time with us to have fun %60 per cent of the time.<P>They don't have to put up with our mood swings because there is no other responsibility in the relationship, but to have fun.<P>Of course, our spouses aren't given a chance to have fun because we look at them through a light dimmed by the cares of daily living then accuse them of being no fun.<P><BR>PS<BR>It's easy to TALK about the future...DEEP LOVE will make the future happen...<P>...tangent intended... <P>------------------<BR>Love hurts no one.<P>[This message has been edited by AGoodPhrend (edited August 24, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by AGoodPhrend (edited August 24, 2000).]

saf,<P>You ask very good questions. Now some obvious answers. First, you must tell your H about the affair even if you decide to divorce. Look on the bright side, if you tell him and he divorces you, then you get your OM. Right?<BR>On the other hand the OM is romancing a married woman, and has very little respect for the institution of marriage. So that should match your commitment to marriage well. <P>saf, at the very minimum you need to tell your H what you are doing and have done. You might be greatly surprised by his response. He just may love you more than you ever imagined and if he does he will help you through withdrawal as many other H's here have done and as many other W's here have done.<P>As for the future with your OM, the odds are very low that you will marry him and the marriage will be successful. The debate as to the extact number has occured here, but the published numbers suggest that you have a small chance of marrying (less than 20% I think) and then the marriage as between (20% and 10% of succeeding). Overall about a 4% chance. How is that for good odds?<P>As for your OM being your soulmate, well I encourage you to look at NSR's welcome thread in "Just Found Out" and then look under common sayings by WS. You will find that just about all of the WS found their "soulmate" during the affair, yet so few succeed in marriage to them, wonder why?<P>The reason is that the problems you are having in your marriage are yours not your H's and they will be carried over to a new relationship unless corrected. You have done nothing to correct those problems in your marriage or yourself, so the odds stand as stated.<P>I am being a little blunt here saf, but I am in a hurry, and we see your story so many times on this board. So please do yourself a hugh favor, try working on your marriage, try to examine yourself and learn. Then if you decide to divorce your H, you will at least improved yourself for your next relationship.<P>Which will in all likelyhood not be with the OM, your "soulmate". He will have found some other marriage to pillage.<P>Please think and at least talk with your H.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Dear Good Phrend<P>I too believe that if our love is strong enough we will be together no matter what. <P>How will I know if things would be different with him than they are with H? How will I ever find out if I stay with H? And how can I find happiness with H, when I am so deeply in love with OM?<P>

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Just Learning:<BR>[B]saf,<P>Just learning,<P>You advice, although blunt, is very to the point and is probably some of the best advice I have received from this forum.<P>H does know about the affair. But he does not know the true extent of my feelings for the OM. So I don't know that I could turn to him during withdrawal. Still, he is willing to stay in the marriage despite the fact that I have cheated on him and that in itsef says alot. But he is not willing to discuss the issues or go to counselling, so I have little hope that the issues will be resolved. So without any true hope for the future of my marriage and with no true support, how do I let go of a man I love? Even if it is the right thing to do.

saf,<P>Your H won't go to counseling right now nor can he discuss the issues probably for a very simple reason. He is deeply hurt and feels he didn't have the affair why should he be the one changing. This is all very normal.<P>What you don't realize is that the Harley approach is not widely appreciated. However, you can start this by examining your issues with your H. Not in a confrontational manner, but working on why you felt that the bounds of marriage didn't bind you. What you need from a marriage. <P>Are you in counseling right now? If so continue, if not think about it. Also you need to tell your H the depths of this affair, that you are seriously thinking of leaving him. Tell why you are telling him this? Are you telling him to hurt him? Are you telling him in hopes that somehow the marriage can be better? Are you telling him to assuage you guilt? Could be all of them or just one or two, or others.<P>saf, be honest with your H. Right now I suspect any request from you for him to change seems like blackmail. "I know you love me, but I am leaving unless you do what I want the way I want it."<P>You may not intend this but it probably sounds like that. So think about how you should approach this. You see while you say you have found your "soulmate" and are so in love with OM, you are here. Why?<P>I would speculate it is becaue you do love your H and you know that you are wrong. But the attraction of the forbidden fruit is strong. You are so worried that some how you will be short changed, if you try and make your marriage work. You don't see much coming from your H. <P>But if you really try to make your marriage work and give up OM, I will guarentee on thing for sure, you will have much more respect for yourself for the rest of your life. And in addition, your marriage might turn into the marriage you want. What a deal! Self respect and a good marriage too. Think about it.<P>However, I would ask you, have you sat back and tried to see what your H is seeing in you. Do you suppose he is as discouraged right now as you are? Perhaps that is where you start with your H. You are discouraged about this marriage and right now so is he. Ask him to help you and you try to help him.<P>I know this is tough and you haven't given up OM. Finally saf, ask your H to come here. The people here will try to help both of you.<P>The hard thing here is your are asking for help while also really not wanting the help. You are confused and we cannot help you with that. At some point you are going to have to trust yourself and God to do the right thing and then let go of OM. I know it is a leap of faith, but many people have built better marriages after such a leap.<P>Please keep posting and thinking. I believe you know where you need to go and I hope you gain the strength to do it.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

JL<P>I too hope that I will find the strength to do the right thing. However, I am still not convinced that the right thing for me would be to stay with H. He is a good, good man but he will never be OM and he will never give me what OM gives me. Thats who he is. I either have to accept him that way and live with it, or I must leave. What's more, he is unwilling to talk to me (or to a counselor) about all the issues, so I have little hope that they will be resolved. I am going to counseling on my own but this alone will not save my marriage. Thats something we both need to do. As for telling H about my feelings for OM - I know this will hurt him immensely and quite frankly I dont see the point. Whether ot not H and I work it out, he does not deserve to be hurt any more than is necessary. <BR>I dont want H to come to this forum because he will undoubtedly realize that I am here and I am afraid of him finding out my true feelings. But I admit that this forum has been extremely beneficial for me. It has been almost 7 months now since the A started and for the first time, I feel like I have true support and some one giving me real, and meaningful advice.<BR>So JL, thank you for that, and keep the advice coming. It may be a bitter pill for me to swallow, but it is the once source of strength and support I have to hang on to.<BR>Regards<BR>Saf

saf,<P>Is OM married?

saf,<P>It is the chicken and egg problem isn't it? Your H is not going to discuss issues of his failings while your are deeply in love with OM and you want some assurance that things will be better if you drop OM. Now that is unfair to expect, especially since he probably knows there is more and you are lying to him if not directly, then by omission.<P>So here is the problem. You know you what you are doing is wrong. You say you don't want to hurt your H further, but somehow think that just divorcing him will not hurt him further. You think that somehow he should turn around, without any effort from you and without the knowledge that you possess from this site.<P>Do you see what the problem is. You give him no credit, say you don't want him to be hurt further, but are proceeding to do just that, but while he is completely defenseless. You have withdrawn from your H for 7 months or longer, probably not met many of his needs, and made him the bad guy (can't change, won't change, not good enough, etc). You had to do this of course to justify your affair and your attraction to OM.<P>So here is the test, are you willing to file for divorce tomorrow and walk away from your H with no financial support, nothing but what you brought to the marriage? Are you confident enough in the OM, to do that? He is only meeting a few of your needs now, how will he do with all of them. Especially, the commitment need, since you know how he values the institution of marriage.<P>How confident are you of OM?<P>You aren't! I know that and you know that. You know this has been a wonderful interlude, with your H taking care of all of the problems and most needs, while OM gets to have the fun of taking care of your sexual and emotional needs as a "soulmate". Man, that is the good life. Don't mess with it saf, you have it made and so does he. Don't suppose that he expects you to get a nice financial settlement from the divorce do you?<P>I am not being silly here. If OM is that good and can make you deliriously happy for the rest of your life, go for it, but be willing to leave everything from your previous life, including the money, cars, house, etc.<P>saf, your H can change and interestingly if you were honest with him, you then would be willing to allow him the help that you yourself have been seeking here. But you won't allow him that help or even the knowledge of it, because "he would find out and it would hurt him." <P>saf, I know my words aren't going to change your mind over night, if at all. I also know that you do "love" OM and you don't "love" your H. But you made the choice to allow OM to love you and for you to love him. You made the choice to draw away from H and seek affection and sex elsewhere. You can decide to reverse it but it will be tough.<P>I will repeat what I said before. If you have the courage, you will for sure gain your self-respect back, you may get your marriage back and a better marriage. However, if you really try and only get your self-respect you will be a winner, no matter if your "soulmate" waits for you or moves on to another woman, probably married.<P>You can tell I have little respect for men who date married women and I am neither a betrayed or betraying spouse. But I was a batchelor for a long time, into my 30's and I know there were plenty of guys who really liked dating married women because it was safe, and if she was well off or her H was, they might end up nicely set up. I know this because I knew them and we talked all of the time about it. I am proud of a few things in my life and one of them is that I never knowingly dated a married woman.<P>I tell you this so you know where my perspective is coming from. <P>Keep thinking and posting saf. It will help you reach your decision. I know it is a tough one, but it will become easier if you are honest with your H.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

saf,<BR>My girlfriend said exactly the same thing as you did. "I have never met anyone who knew me like he did and vise versa" She told me that she has never loved someone like she did the OM. My question to my girlfriend was what does LOVE mean to you and she could not tell me other than the this feeling she had at that time. After couple of months she tells me the feeling she had for the OM was actually "infatuation" and sometimes it is hard to distinguish between LOVE and infatuation. Ask yourself this, how do you know if you love someone in 7 months. Give me a break!!! Has the OM ever seen you when you were sick, in a bad mood, or at your worst. Or have you ever seen the OM at his worst. Trust me it looks great on the surface but true love require good, bad, ugly and most of all, time. It is easy to be the perfect person when both of you are not committed. I have been on both sides of the fence. When I cheated on my exwife with OW for about 10 months, I thought I found the perfect soulmate and so did she. In my eyes she was perfect, everthing she did was perfect, every touch she made my heart skip a beat, every word she said was like angels singing. Every sexual encounters was so magical that I never wanted to stop. There was not even one second in a day whenI did not even think about her. I could not go through a day without seeing the OW. She was my soulmate, so I thought. Of course I had to make a decision as to leave my W at that time or go on my way with OW. I made the worst decision of my life, I went with OW. After about 3 months into the relationship of seeing each other everyday brought on the true picture of what OW was all about. Unless you spend every waking hours with the other person there is no commitment. Anyhow, OW was nothing like how I knew her. I saw her in a totally different way. I am not telling you to make any decision based on what I am saying but what I am saying is nothing different than all other WS's experiences. <P>Now I am dealing with my girlfriend having EA/PA with the OM. And trust me it is thousand times harder to deal with this when you are at the receiving end of the affair. Now I finally realize the pain my exwife went through and I would never do this to anyone. The experience taught me to understand the tremendous turmoil the BS is going through. I can't even describe how I am feeling now other than totally betrayed and helpless. So please read the post wisely and learn from others who went through this otherwise all this would be waste of my time. If I can save one marriage or relationship, all this is worth it. <P>Take care and GOD bless...<BR>

Hi, Honey. I'm sorry for what you're going through. I know how hard this is for you.<P>You're getting some good advice here. Listen to it. You probably don't know me...I don't post a whole lot anymore...just stop by to check on friends, but your post drew me, so here I am.<P>June 28, 1999 my wonderful husband came to me and said he wasn't "in love" with me anymore, although he loved me, meaning cared for me deeply. I was devastated. I had no idea what was to come.<P>Within a week, he told me about PT. Here are the words I heard for the next month.<P>"She makes me feel wonderful."<BR>"I finally really know what true love is."<BR>"We seem to "fit", to belong together, like I never could imagine."<BR>"We were never like this....we never should have married. I have never loved you as I do her."<BR>"We were a mistake from the beginning...she is truly my soulmate...the one that was meant for me."<BR>"I'm sorry, but I've never felt such happiness with anyone...I have to be with her."<P>I could go on and on...he had fallen "in love". There's no doubt about that. I would never dismiss those feelings or say that they were not real...they are the SAME feelings he had had for me so many years ago and for a long time afterward. They are the same feelings that many of us have for others during our lives. They are real. And he was suffering terribly for the decisions and choices that he was making...but, because of these feelings for her, he felt he was doing the right thing.<P>On August 5th, he moved out...Sept 1, in with her. He stood by his original statements and planned for a divorce as soon as he could afford it. They planned a marriage, saw a lawyer about his adopting her wee one, opened joint bank accounts. He rarely saw me or our daughter, hardly ever called. I had just lost my father, but even that didn't compare to the pain I was experiencing now.<P>A lot happened over the next six months, with him standing by his decision to get a divorce. However.....<P>It's August 2000 now, and we've been recovering for more than six months. Funny thing about being "in love".....it doesn't always last...in fact, rarely does, but can be replaced by a deeper, more mature and lasting love. That's what lasts. That what we still had and what never really existed for him and PT. <P>Now, the NICE thing about that mature and lasting love....from IT you CAN restore that "in love" feeling! Am I confusing you? I do sometimes. When "in love" dies and is not replaced by real love, it's gone. If real love exists, you can always rekindle the "in love" feelings. <P>You've already been told that you don't stand much of a chance for a future with the OM. But you have a husband who has proven, simply by staying with the knowledge of your affair, that he has real love for you, love that is persevering in spite of his pain...pain, Honey, that you cannot even imagine. <P>I know you are suffering too. I watched my husband as he went through the same thing. We've talked and I've seen what he's gone through once he found out that he made bad choices, choices he now wishes he had never made. I have hurt and cried for him as well.<P>But......we are wonderful. The man who said all those things to me just a year ago, now says he is madly "in love" with me, I am his reason for living, he loves coming home to me. He now says he loved me "even when I didn't remember I did." I understand. We are taking this life, this marriage and cherishing it for the blessing that it truly is. If you've heard of me at all, you'll know that I've asked for no repentance, simply for our best efforts for the rest of our lives to keep this wonderful marriage alive and thriving. We BOTH are truly happy now....<P>I'm sorry that your husband is not in a place that he can help you right now. From the other side of the fence, mine wasn't either. But Plan A, the four rules and self-growth WILL allow you to survive the withdrawal once you truly begin it, and turn this marriage around into one in which you find all the happiness that you deserve. It begins with a decision. That's all. That's the beginning of all the hard work and all the rewards that work can bring.<P>YOU can gently lead your husband to that place..but only once you've healed and learned and begun the journey yourself. He doesn't have to help, you can change his reactions, you can guide without saying a word. That's a long time from now, should you choose to take that path....you have much healing to do within first.<P>There are many people here, betrayed and waywards alike, who either know or understand your pain and suffering and how difficult this time is for you. This board has been the strength for many of us, no matter which side of the fence you sit on....they will be here for you.<P>Take care. I wish you and your h all the happiness you both deserve. I do believe that you can find it with each other, once the curtain of infidelity has lifted. But it takes time, patience, perseverance. And I know you are strong enough to do it. It begins with a decision....one that will affect the lives of many people.<P>I wish you luck and love.<P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori<P>

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Just Learning:<BR>[B]saf,<P>JL<P>Your words have left me with much to think about.<P>Maybe I will e-mail the link to this site to H.......<P>Thanks for the advive. God knows I need it. Please continue to post replies.<P>Saf<BR>

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Devastation:<BR>[B]saf,<P>Dear Devastation<P>Firstly, I find true comfort in what you are saying. Maybe this is my one chance to learn from others' mistakes. <P>Secondly, the OM is married. However, during the course of the A, he separated from his wife and they are currently going through a divorce. He did not leave her to be with me. He left her because they married when they were both very young and have grown apart. He knows that this does not mean that I will leave H and he has placed no demands or pressures on me.<P>As for trusting OM, I know he is able to meet most if not all of my emotional needs. Whereas H is not able to meet all of them. These passed months have been a very trying time for me because on top of this, I have had to deal with some major career decisions. I was at my lowest point of all time and even contemplated suicide. OM was there to support me, pick me up and carry me through the emotional storm. H shared very little part in the whole ordeal and brushed my problems aside as unimportant. So, do I think OM would be there for me in times of need. Yes, I do. I have no doubts about his emotional committment to me.<P>Still, your comments about the nice divorce settlement have got me thinking. OM would have a lot to gain if I divorced H and took up with him. I don't think this is his motivation - but at least its got me thinking that there are some things about him that I still need to understand.<P>One more thing, H says he is "bored" with my body and although he is only in his early 30's he has no sex drive. Our love making is therefore very limited and extremely unfulfilling. Is this normal? This started way before the A and has only gotten worse. Will staying with H mean committing myself to a life without sex? If so, I would not be surprised if there was another OM in the future.

Lori<P>Your message has brought tears to my eyes and I marvel that I can find so much comfort from my new found "friends" in this forum. <BR>It seems that everyone here is giving the same advice - mostly from past experiences. And it is becoming clearer to me what it is I need to do.<P>So to you and to everone else out there...what is the first step? And how do I deal with the emotional turmoil which I know is ahead? Maybe your H can shead some light on how I should proceed and what I need to do to remain strong and not fall apart alltogether.<P>Thanks you for your kind words and support.<BR>Saf

saf,<P>OK, your OM is not available for running away with now, as he is still married but getting a divorce because they married too young. So this kind, compassionate, caring, and extremely understanding man, cannot figure out how to make his marriage work. <P>OH, saf, the more you say, the more I have my doubts. So your are on the rebound because you feel rejected by your H, and he is on the rebound because he married too young and I'm sure his W, doesn't understand him either.<P>Are you getting an idea of why, marrying OM and having it work has such a low success rate? I sure hope so.<P>Now for your complaints about sex drive and what your H says. No you shouldn't be condemned to a life with no or little sex. Your H in his 30's should not be suffering from this situation. But job stress can produce it as can major depression. So can an affair on his part, to be completely honest here. Is it possible that the attempts to get pregnant, have gotten to him? So many things saf, men are as fragil as women in many things, please remember that.<P>You do have issues to figure out saf, no one is saying you should be condemned to a life of misery. What is claimed here is that marriages can be rebuilt and revitalized so that both spouses (I guess that is the plural, sounds like the plural of Moose, )have a very good marriage and one they want. <BR>That is the goal. It isn't to throw stones or say that all marriages must work, but that many considered DOA, are in fact salavagable.<P>Have you read of Lostva's posts. You should! She has posted to you and let me tell you she is the pro with Plan A and really looking at marriages. Listen to her and read what she has done. There are men who have recovered their marriage after W had a baby from the OM, there are women who have after H has fathered a child with OW.<P>saf, I will repeat. You need to be honest with your H. Honest about your indecision. And honest about your feelings. If you are and he still wants to try and recover the marriage, then tell him what I and others are telling you. It can be done, it doesn't require changes in the basic person, but changes in perspective. It is not a thing, where one person loses all face with the other.<P>It is about the two of your deciding that you would like to be married and in love again. You are not wrong for wanting to be loved and in love. Where you have been wrong so far is with whom you should be.<P>So talk to H, don't threaten him, don't Love Bust him. But talk with him as one friend to another. A friend who is searching for the right solution, the correct solution, and the good solution. You might find he would like to help solve your problem and his as well.<P>Keep reading and posting, saf.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Lori,<P>You are soo good at this. You have done it again with your post. Help this lady figure out what to do and how to do it. <P>Good to have you back, I can go get work done know. <P>Take Care,<P>JL

saf<P>Let me start off by saying that I, like you, am a betrayer. When I read your first post a cold chill went down my back and I though to myself, the OW that I was involved could have written this. First of all let me put this thought right out in front. If you marry the OM will it ba a success? It may, but the chances are very slim. I have thought about this and the ONE nagging thing that kept coming back to me was, If she ran around with me, she could run around on me. Could I ever trust her if we were married? NO!<P>You have see the OM at his very best. Answer this question: What are five reasons that you fell in love with your H? Now ask what are five reasons you fell in love with OM. Be honest with yourself and compare them. I bet you will see that they are almost the same. How will you feel about the OM five years from now? Probably the same as you do your H right now, however there will be one difference. Will you trust a man that got involved with a married woman? Harsh advice but REALITY.<P>Talk to your H and be honest about what happened and how you feel. Tell him the reason you are talking to him about this. One thing for sure, you are here because you still love your H and you have this feeling in the back of your mind that what you are doing is wrong. The love you have for the OM is powerful and strong. You will probably have a love for him forever now that you have chosen this path. This is going to be a hard decision for you to make, but I just wanted to point out a few things from someone that has stood in your shoes.<P>......fs

JL....you guys are doing much better than I can, but...you know me, if I pop on, I've got to put in my 2 cents!! (or, considering how much I talk, maybe that's a dollar!) <P>Ok, Sweetie, so now you know what you have to do. Don't let anyone kid you, this is HARD! Robert didn't do it...he didn't take the road you are choosing. He left us, tried to give it a shot with PT and wound up losing so much in the process. As you do, he felt that she had been there for him during one of the worst times of his life...we had suffered a number of tragedies and they affected Robert tremendously. He was certain of her emotional committment. There are reasons that she was "there for him", but they weren't lasting ones. And, he discovered, reasons I wasn't, partially b/c he wasn't open to my being there becasue someone else had turned his head. He lost a lot...within himself. Not me! I'm a stubborn little thing...but he could have...in time, I suppose. He found that life with PT was exactly as you've been told it could be...he found that, once reality set in, it WAS me that he was meant to be with. He suffered so very much. I have so much respect for him for that decision to come home and work with me. And we're both very glad he did.<P>Honey, you don't have to go through what he did, but your battles will be hard as well. Withdrawal is the toughest thing that you have ever done...no one here is gonna lie to you about that. It's also probably the most worthwhile and I know you'll be so proud of yourself once you get through it. We're very proud of you for undertaking it.<P>So.....I'll bow to my wayward friends on this one....they can better prepare you for what's to come. But you asked how you can start and that's simple. All of us who've been in this mess know.....time for that decision. Decide you will break it off with OM and never see or talk with him again. Write that letter and stick by your guns. Decide you CAN get through this pain and you will stay the course, no matter what. Decide you will be honest with your husband and ask for his help in this. I warn you, you may not get it right now. He may not be able to see past his pain enough to help. That's ok. You have us. And you have strength. You CAN do this, though it will hurt. But speaking as someone who's hurt more than I ever thought I could take.....it'll be ok, I promise. You'll live and grow through this and the rewards will be tremendous!<P>A little note here.....rarely is only one partner unhappy in the marriage...even though sometimes neither or them recognize it. (And you would be AMAZED how many times you read here, from the betrayed "I should have been the one to have the affair!") If enough was missing out of this marriage for you to look elsewhere, the same could very well be true for your husband, without either of you realizing it. That could, with a number of other reasons, have a great deal to do with his waning sex drive! Unhappiness, even MILD depression can have such an effect. Restore yourself and then work on restoring your marriage....you will most likely be pleasantly surprised.<P>You'll get to working on your marriage soon enough. For now, make that decision, resolve to stick by it when you don't think you can go on another moment (trust me, that time will come, but you CAN DO IT!). Try NOT to lovebust with your h while you work through this....that's about as much as anyone can ask right now. That's enough.<P>Listen to JL, listen to Firestorm. Once the General Questions I is back on line, you'll find lots of posts from waywards going through withdrawal....and succeeding! Check the read-only posts...Read those from Arik, formally 2 soulmates. Some of them are not pleasant and you'll find us giving him a "kick in the pants" from time to time. But through his posts you will see a bit of what you are going to go through. And, I might add, I just received an e-mail from Arik and Nicole not long ago....they are rebuilding and happy and Arik truly knows that he is where he is meant to be. A long haul, but worth it!<P>Check in read-only for posts from Suse and DuncanMac. Suse WAS where you are and they've been recovering beautifully for a long, long time! You'll learn a lot from them.<P>Check for Kat1, Roofman, Freedom, Lonestar and Petunia. If the posts haven't been deleted (alas, some have, like Kat's camping story, one of my all-time favorites), you'll learn of struggles and hear stories of hope. Things that will help you get through this. There are lots of things on this board right now. You'll see Sir Hurts Alot's last post here. You get some idea from his "goodbye" post, but there are so many others of his that you can learn from...even though he was the betrayed. When you feel alone, just turn here. Look what you have, hundreds of caring people who have shared the most difficult part of their lives....many of whom have kept sharing just to let you know that there IS hope, that life can be good again!<P>As you have already seen, you will find love here. You will also find friends, and honesty....when you want it the least and need it the most! Use us to cry, to vent, to share the good and bad....that's what everyone's here for. But expect true friendship, the kind that doesn't pull punches and tells you exactly what's going on...even when it hurts a bit. From personal experience, we all need it from time to time.<P>I'm very proud of you. You're doing a good thing. I believe that you're a very good person and that you have what it takes to do this. Let's get through that withdrawal, OK? Then we'll work on restoring your marriage. Surprisingly enough, Plan A works for waywards as it does for the betrayed...and it CAN work. The time will come.<P>Good luck, Hon. You're not in this alone. Just hang in there and be strong. You and your husband deserve such happiness, happiness that can last the rest of your lives....and it's possible. I promise it is.<P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori<p>[This message has been edited by lostva (edited August 25, 2000).]

Okay, I know I'm a pathetic romantic...believe in marriage vows...together *forever*...for better, for worse...but here goes:<P>Please, please, please consider what everybody is saying here...<P>My H also thought he found his soulmate after only knowing OW for 3 short months. He/OW had convinced each other that they were meant to be together. OW was secretly planning to leave her H for my H. And, all signs point to the fact that my H was ready to *jump ship* as well.<P>H told OW many mean things about me and our relationship <ugh>. He told OW that I forced him to marry me; that he felt stuck w/me because we had kids; that he never felt for me what he had for her; that he couldn't stand listening to me in the evenings and *tuned* me out; that when he couldn't sleep at night he would put his arms around me and pretend I was OW <holy cow...that one hurt bad!>; that he wanted to have a baby with her...AND I could go on and on and on and on........<P>All of that took place approximately 10 months ago. What's happening now? Well, affair was discovered by all parties involved. My H would not leave me for OW <shock, surprise, NO WAY...YES WAY!>. OW apparently felt used/humiliated by my H and immediately began repairing her own marriage with her H. My H and I continue to heal and rebuild our marriage.<P>H is now telling me that he was confused, mixed up, going through MLC, was only *in love* with how OW made him feel about himself and not with OW, realized that this OW was just like any other woman--what made her appealing (in the first place) was the fact that she made herself available and he found that very flattering.<P>And now I'll plead my case for the OM's family. You say that you are not the cause of his marriage woes, but how could you not be contributing to them? How can he make a wise decision with you at his side...ready to say the things he WANTS to hear...and him only HEARING what you are saying. His WIFE HAS A VOICE TOO--but, her voice means next to nothing with you in the shadows. He can't/won't/doesn't want to hear her when he has YOU to listen too. I imagine he wants to *rescue* you from your horrible H...he wants to be your knight in shining armor. Ironically, I NEEDED MY H TO RESCUE ME. I NEEDED/WANTED THIS BEAUTIFUL MAN--MY HUSBAND--TO BE MY KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR!!! <P>Unfortunately, somewhere along the 17 years of my marriage, my *princess* dress became tattered, my golden locks were cut short to avoid baby spit-up, and my glass slippers were replaced with more convenient sneekers to keep up with the many trips up/down the dungeon stairs on the way to the washer/dryer...<P>Did I feel threatened by OW? Yes and no. Yes, because I felt I could NEVER compete with a woman who was 10 years my junior with no children in tow to "tie her down"...after all, her princess dress, golden locks, and glass slippers were still intact for god's sake!!!! But NO, because I honestly don't believe in *fairy tale* endings. <P>Awesome marriages, *perfect* love, great two-somes don't just *happen*...there is no magic wand....they take years of shared hard work, heartaches, joys, disappointments, to meld into *ONE*. <P>Would I have been OK without my H? Sure. I'm positive that there would have been another *soulmate* out there for me too--they're not ALL "reserved" for wayward spouses...are they????. No, couldn't be! Besides, even if I did find my new *prince charming* I know that eventually, somewhere down the road, I'd kiss this new *prince* only to discover that he's just another *man* I happened to fall in love with once upon a time...plain and simple.<P>In the meantime, I continue to kiss my *frog* hoping he'll turn back into MY PRINCE CHARMING .<P>Dear saf: Please follow the advice on this board. Give your marriage a *true* chance...and allow OM the opportunity to do the same for his marriage.<P>Peace, ~Marie<p>[This message has been edited by ohmy_marie (edited August 25, 2000).]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by saf:<BR><B>Dear Good Phrend<P>I too believe that if our love is strong enough we will be together no matter what. <P>How will I know if things would be different with him than they are with H? How will I ever find out if I stay with H? And how can I find happiness with H, when I am so deeply in love with OM?<P></B><BR>Saf,<BR>Here is excerpt of my question on this board: Are you willing to fight to save your marriage?<BR>--------------------------------------------<BR>Many couples have beat the odds of getting out of a troublesome marriage and finding happiness. On the other hand, some have found themselves in worse predicaments.<P>If I can gamble leaving my marriage, why not gamble in my marriage? At least, I will be certain of one thing, and that's how I feel about my husband--I do love him.<P>I have just decided to be brutally honest with myself. Since I have made that decision, I feel like a burden has been lifted off my heart.<BR>---------------------------------------------<BR>Doesn't true love inspire us to sacrifice our comfort zones to pursue its benefits of security and happiness?<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Love hurts no one.