Hi,<P>H was here for a few hours today. We went over the finances ect. He about fell over when he came in and all of his stuff was packed up and in the dining room. He admitted to me that he is moving into a rented house with OW just to share the expenses. I'm not that stupid but I didn't feel like starting anything. We had a nice talk. H looked at everything I had packed up for him and he wanted me to keep most of it. I really think he feels this is temporary. He told me that he still wants to work on us. I really wonder how we can do that when he is living with OW. I'm not going to do that this time. If he stays with OW or not he needs time away from me to get his head together. Until he does the pattern will just keep repeating its self. I will cont to be his friend. Maybe even fix dinner for him once in awhile ect but I can't be his wife, not for awhile anyway. Does this sound wrong? I just feel he is taking me for granted again and I really think that he thinks that when he is ready to come back I'll be standing there in the door with open arms. He had actually expected me to do all of his calling to the utilities, phone, cable ect to get his services connected. Can you believe that! I told him that the woman who will be sharing his bed there can do that. He just gave me a funny look and started calling. Well anyway I'm just venting. I mean we had a nice talk but he still drives me totaly crazy.<P>Jill <p>[This message has been edited by crazy or what? (edited August 28, 2000).]

Jill,<BR> You have my sympathy here. I can't believe the nerve of him, expecting you to help set up his little "love nest", what's wrong with the OW? She too stupid, or does she not feel he's worth the time. It's his house, (or theirs) let them get it set up. They made their bed, let them sleep in it. When all that "afterglow" fades, and the reality of day-to-day hassles set in on the relationship, I'd love to see what happens.<BR> It's not a bad idea to remain friendly with your H, just make it clear that he is not to interpret that in any way as a license for him to bounce back and forth between the two of you when the notion strikes him. Make a life of your own, without him, and that will scare some sense into him.

I once posted a prayer that I wouldn't use my H's hollowed-out skull as a dog dish. I think that may be the prayer you need.<P>Your H is lacking a few synapses. I know what my counselor would say, your H has chosen his course, let him experience what divorce from you feels like. That would translate as Plan B or Tough Love. <BR>You deserve a break. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.<P>Oh, and my H's head is firmly on his shoulders . Although he moved home in May, he gave up his keys to his house a couple weeks ago...he has yet to forward his mail home. Busy, I know.<P><BR>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10<p>[This message has been edited by Lor (Lor) (edited August 28, 2000).]

I agree that you need to remain strong & start working on 'your' life. You're not a doormat. If he comes back & you're willing to accept him then fine. If he doesn't, then fine. Either way you will have had the strength to continue on.<BR>Remember it's all in his actions - he just thinks he can continue to run back & forth between the two of you

I plan on remaining strong. I just have to keep telling myself that. Besides if I let him back anytime soon I have friends and family who would be here with men with white coats to take me away. Even the kids feel that he needs to learn what life without us will be like. Last year he spent two months with the woman from hell and her kids. That wasn't a real situation. He couldn't get away from her fast enough. This year its a different story. So we'll have to see. <BR>At least he keeps life interesting. He keeps the town gossips busy anyway.<P>Jill

That IS pretty funny that he wanted you to do his errands for him so that he can be with his girlfriend. Maybe you should move in with them and cook for them, make their bed, and mow their lawn, too.<P>That takes a lot of nerve. Or lack of sensitivity, actually. <P>You are better than me! I would have hit the ceiling.

Hi Jill,<BR>OMG! I can't believe your H's nerve!(wait.. I guess I can.. my H was like that..)<BR>Is it possible for you to force your H to take all of the things you packed for him(BTW, I packed for my H too.). By leaving some of his stuff I think he will think he can come back anytime when he and OW can't work things out. My H took most of the stuff he needed and I asked him to take the rest but he didn't do.. then he did a very hurtful thing to me and I had enough so I told him I would leave the stuff outside of the door..<P>Anyway, I know you are very strong, but doesn't mean you get hurt less. I was there and I'm very sorry your H is not seeing any realities.. <BR>Let's look at the bright(?) side.. if he lives with OW then it's much faster for him to find out how really OW is like..<BR>Hang in there!!<P>Meg

I am not unpacking anything I packed for him. He is taking it all. I want him to see the finality of what he is doing. I want him to move into this house knowing he has 17 yrs worth of history there with him. Last time he moved out he took very, very little. what he did take was things I was going to sell at a yard sale anyway. This time I packed pictures that we had picked out together, the ships and lighthouses we bought on our trip east this spring ect. I want him to have to feel the loss this time. I want him to look at the memories everyday. <BR>I'm hoping that he'll see that he can't escape reality by doing this. Maybe it won't affect him the way I think it will, but I'm hoping it does. One more thing that is really bothering him is I'm taking down our king size bed and getting a smaller one. He just can't understand why I am going to do that. I told him I can't sleep in that bed anymore, if I'm going to have to start a new life its going to start with a new bed. (Naughty me also told him that I can't ever sleep with anyone else on our bed) <BR>It will be interesting to see what the next month brings. <P>Jill

H here this morning at 4:00 am to pick up something he needed for work. I was really angry with him. Last night my son cut his hand and required 6 stitches. It wasn't the end of the world but anytime you have to take a kid to the emergency room its a big deal to them. I had called H and left a message on his cell phone about son thinking he would at least call back to see if he is ok. I asked this morning if he got my message. His only answer was yep. He then changed topic to OW. He started ranting and raving about how people around here talk about everybody else and its none of thier business. He then started in on a friend of mine saying he was going to give her a piece of his mind ect. I just blew then. I told him that if he's going to srew around people are going to talk. I also told him that if he starts in on my friends I'm calling OW and giving her hell. He asked, can you believe this he asked, "what did she do?" I told him well she's ****ing my H for one thing! That shut him up right there and he tried to suck up after that but I went back to bed. I've been crabby ever since and I have to work a double shift today. <P>I did find out info on OW though. Seems like <BR>H isn't the first MM that she has went for. Seems to be a habit with her. I guess he will find out in due time.<P>Jill

Jill,<BR>I was totally brown away.. Your H is in a dreamland!! And how can he want to work on your marriage????? As lons as he's involved with OW he can't.. and he's going to live with OW!!! <BR>And OW used to get involved with MM before.. that shows she always wants somebody else's belongings.. And I can't beleive your H can't see that.... I don't know when he started this A but I feel it's just a beginning, right now I guess everything is fun for him.. <BR>Jill, I can feel your anger and frustlation.. I can't offer any advice but just keep posting if you need to vent more.<BR>hugs,<BR>Meg

Meg,<P>Yep, isn't he unbelievable? Most days anymore I ask myself what I have ever seen in him. H has only known this woman since mid July. Because of her he has lost his business, lost his family, his home and whatever respect he had in our small community. all for what a woman he just met. I know it all goes deeper than that. I'm well aware of all of his insecurities ect. But there comes a point and time when you have to wake up and see just what you are doing to your life.<P>Thanks for all of your support!<P>Jill

C or W,<P>Your H is unbelievable, Hon.<P>I really think they believe we're their mommys. To have you take care of all his particulars regarding his move, good Lord! This just really erks me.<P>You make him do those things himself, C or W. He needs to start looking to himself for his emotional stability and needs. If women keep doing this for their WS then they never suffer the consequences of any type, they lean on us and expect us to continue being their pseudo wives while they treat us without respect or dignity.<P>My H started to do this and I was so use to accomodating him, I did it. Then I got a clue. Well that is after he LB'd me many times and did things like hung up on me when OW was around. I learned the hard way.<P>The next time he talked to me he told me I didn't care about him because I didn't DO things for him anymore. I was torn ... I didn't want him to think that or to go to OW for those things BUT I had to draw the line, I felt used and it hurt.<P>The next time he asks for your help with anything you search your heart and do what your instincts tell you, if your gut says he's using you, then think twice before doing it. If he gets angry, just be sweet and tell him you love him BUT you're unable to do it because you're trying to take care of yourself emotionally and it doesn't feel RIGHT.<P>It's hard to do, but he will continue to push and use and lean ... hence never understand a wife isn't just for convenience, for times when he doesn't want to INCONVENIENCE the OW.<P>I'm sorry he's treating you like this, Jill. You are in my prayers this evening.<P>Be strong and pray. God IS listening.<P>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited August 30, 2000).]

Hi, Honey, I've been keeping up, just constantly amazed! <P>You're doing the right thing. I knew you would. It's time he grew up and accepted the consequences of his actions. I'm just sorry you and those great kids have to suffer again for his immaturity.<P>Hang in there. His world will crash. Eventually, he will HAVE to look inside himself.<P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori

C.O.W. (Countess of Wessex - that is Prince Edward's of England's wife Sophie Rhys initials),<P>You deserve to treat yourself like royalty - massages, a new perfume, a good nice outfit or anything that perks up your day, and makes you walk in perky little steps.<P>Because you DO NOT deserve the shabby way your H treats you.<P>What does he think you are? Really for the life of me, I cannot imagine anyone with the audacity to ask present spouse to do errands related to OP, especially in setting up home.<P>It jolts my memory to Chinese imperial history. Once upon a thousands of years ago, the emperors of China would take on concubines, the very rich men would too. These concubines would have to get the stamp of approval from the empress or the rich man's first wife. The concubines live under the first wife's instructions and had to bow and curtsey to the first wife. They can be summoned at will to the first wife and many suffered and died as a result of the political intrigues that they were too naive to handle. Hundreds perish in cold lonely palaces without the emperor ever having met them.<P>What irks me is that this is modern day and your H behaves like he is the emperor and is giving you the 'job' of helping him set up his second home with a concubine!<P>While I am at this story telling mode, I also read that there is a tribe nestled in the remote plains of the Himalayans and Tibet which practices polyandry. Women of means can keep at least two husbands to help them tend the fields that they have inherited from their families. The men are not happy but are resigned to sharing their wives with their flesh and blood brothers or with someone their wives fancy when she spotted OM. (let your H on this story - the absurdity when the tables are turned).<P>I think C.O.W., you should really get your H out of such archiac ways of thinking and doing and living.<P>Sigh, alright I shall not bother you with any story, although I am so tempted...<P>All my best and hope you get the strength to go it alone for the time being. Being independent and happy with your newfound freedom may make your H become attracted to those qualities - if you don't care what he thinks - having a new mindset would make your life so much more liveable!<BR>weep

Thanks all I couldn't make it through this if I didn't have all of your support. <P>Bad morning again this morning. H showed up again right before I left for work. It started out ok but ended in a big fight. I blew big time. I LB all over the place. Said some things I meant and alot maybe I didn't but its to late now. He was really nasty. He told me some things that really, really hurt. Nothing like kicking someone when they are down. <P>I told him that I don't want to see him anymore for awhile. I said I want him to see the kids but I don't want to see him. I said this isn't your home anymore. I said you just can't run in and out like you still live here. So Sat can't come to soon. He will be here tonight ot pick up his clothes then Sat to move the rest of his ****.<P>So I was 1/2 hr late for work. I come in tears streaming down my face. I feel like a big idiot. Everybody warned me about letting him come back last time but did I listen? No, now I'm playing the price. <P>He says he still wants to try to work things out. I think there is to much hurt there, I just don't think after the cruel things he said this morning that I will ever forgive him. I'm not as strong this time. This past year has taken its toll on me and I just don't think I can cont. to try to save the sinking ship anymore. <P>He told me that I need a antidepressant. What a joke. I am on prozac. I just am not taking it because I give him my meds (H on prozac also) because his insurance won't cover it and its too expensive. The more I write the more I relize what a fool I've been. (I take prozac for pms symptoms and I'm pms'ing big time today).<P>I better go talk to my son he heard us fighting this AM and I need to clear some things up with him.<P>Jill

Jill,<BR>I hope you are feeling a bit better now.<BR>So he just met OW in July.. so I guess he won't be able to see any reality right now..<P>I really think living separte from your H helps YOU alot.. emotionally you don't have to put up with all of the crap anymore.<P>Maybe right now you are too hurt and angry so maybe you don't care that much if he ever comes back to you or not. But he will see all of the things he's done to you and your kids one day. And he will suffer for his actions. Then all of the healings begins..(either your marriage is restored or not)<P>So for now do things for yourself and your kids.. they need YOU.. and you should enjoy yourself..<P>Hugs,<P>Meg

H cmae over tonight with tears in his eyes. He apologized repeatedly for this morning. I accepted his apology and apologized for some of the things I said. H wants to come home. He said that if I asked him to he would. I told him I can't not now, not until he gets his head together. H said he can't picture his life without me. I said that I can't keep going through this anymore and that he needs to sow his oats for awhile. I need this time also to get my self esteem back. I have lived with him since I was 18 yrs old right out of HS. Maybe I need this time to learn to be more independant. He is moving his stuff while I'm at work tomorrow. That is going to be hard to come home to. <P>I can't help feeling that his whole attitude might be different next time I see him. So for now I'll have to solice myself that I am doing the right thing for everyone,me,H and kids. <P>All I can say is God give me the strength to fight the urge to call him and tell him to come home. Even through all of this I do love him and miss him terribly.<P>Jill