Okay, so I just took a peek at the OW board. Guess what? Things are not so very rosy over there as I thought.<P>Most of the OWs are miserable, and desperately trying to revive/hang on to their relationships with our Hs. And failing. It's a slow death, but you can see why affairs are doomed.<P>With a solid plan like we have in MB, we definately have the upper hand. In the long run, we will come out ahead. Don't give up, girls.<P>Another observation I had: Listen carefully to the OWs. A few of them are very much in love and their affairs are flourishing. In these cases, they don't just love our Hs, they very much *like* them. They look forward all day to spending time with them. They get immense pleasure from just sitting next to them, smelling their colonge, watching them shave. This creates a lovely glow that our Hs bask in - no wonder he can't get enough of her!<P>I know that *real life* makes it hard to have these feelings for our Hs. When we see them, we are tired, sick, hungry, hurt, depressed, disappointed, afraid, stressed, etc. <P>But I'll be d***ed if I'm going to allow him to have a better time with *anyone* but me! I'm going to work harder at creating that glow for my H, and remembering the way I acted around him when we first falling in love.<P>One final note: For those of you whose Hs have moved out on you/in with her, our memories do not die! The OWs are struggling with our ghosts every day, and our Hs do not forget about us! This seems to be quite a thorn in the OW's side. So take heart, all is not lost.<P>Anyone else want to share their observations?

I haven't seen OW posts, but I agree with most of what you say. Although H not in love with OW, he enjoys her company. He is not committed to OW and encourages her to date, and he tells her that he can't just let go of 20+ years with me. That must kill OW, but she hangs in there even knowing we are going to counseling. She does date 2 other guys, but it does not bother H, he hopes one of them can turn into what she wants. At this point he says he can't reciprocate her feelings.

My husband tells me (we're in recovery) that the OW was green to the gills, sick with jealousy of me. He said she yammered all the time about how she suspected he was still in love with me. He said after he answered her questions about me, she became obsessed. He told her how beautiful he thought I was, how intelligent and funny he thought I was. He told her because she asked. He told her I was politically involved and had many diverse interests and had great taste and could decorate any room on a shoestring and make it look wonderful. He said he thought I had class and made people feel important and welcomed. He said I was a great Mom. <P>He said all these wonderful things about me to a woman who was 35, lived at home with Mom and Dad, unemployed, watched Jerry Springer all day and who's conversations revolved around family and friends and complaining about the men in her sisters' lives.<P>These OW's are rarely half of what the W is...the husbands trade down to be 'admired' by someone else because our admiration of them has become a matter of course and no longer holds the 'weight' with them it once did. The WS needs outside validation and who better to get it from than with someone that is perceived to be less, someone needy, someone desperate, someone who needs the challenge of having a married man in order to feel more 'special' that the W, so they can feel good about themselves for two minutes, at our expense. So they can pretend they have 'won'.<P>It's so pathetic. The OW's are such huge losers...settling for 'leftovers' and probably knowing only 2% of them will succeed in actually getting the H away from the W.<P>Catnip =^^=<p>[This message has been edited by catnip (edited August 29, 2000).]

DITTO DITTO DITTO!<P>I love this thread. Take notes girls! It's never too late even if they move out. If you do Plan A to the hilt, they would have to be retarded not to came back, in which case your better off.

Any chance that wives ever think of thier H or is it different. My stbx w got rid of everything connected to our marriage when we separated.... I really shouldn't care I guess but it's late and I have been thinking about my family.... or lack thereof. She is the one "in love" with a co-worker....

MKN - Sorry for your situation. I think women tend to get much more lost in romantic fantasy than men. Take heart though. My best friend became obsessed with a MM she worked with, had an affair. All sorts of revisionist history went on in her head (never loved H, marriage was never happy etc). She had herself convinced of all that BS. It took about a year but the fog cleared. She realized her H was her life, her one and only. She threw herself body and soul into repairing the marriage. 7 years later they are going strong.She would cut off a limb befeor ever cheating again.<P>As for the OW... I wouldn't want to be one. Kept in the dark, a shameful secret. What a way to live life. Starting out a new realtionship all based on lies. Yuck. The MM think they are Gods for awhile, they can do no wrong. OW tells them every horrid thing they are doing is okay (cheating, lying, devastating family etc). Any tiny crumb the MM throws is lapped up with eager anticipation. However, when the shoe is on the OTHER foot things change. H's OW sure didn't think he was God when he was over here spending time with me. When he chose to leave her and come back to me he was "A pathetic loser and a liar" Excuse me, but why didn't the fact that he was a liar occur to her when she knew he was cheating on his wife? Duh. It was A-OK to lie to me, but god forbid he lie to her. Their whole relationship was a lie from day one, yet she still begged to have him back. At least we had a foundation of honesty and goodness to rebuild on. It was also okay with her for him to cheat on me but man was she pi--ed when she found out he'd been sleeping with and dating me all but one month of their "relationship". I once tried to understand the OW. I gave up. It is just a foreign concept to me. I might as well try to learn to speak Martian.

Fairydust:<P>You made me remember my unannounced visit to the OW a year ago when I was on the fence as to whether or not I wanted to continue the marriage. <P>I flew to the east coast on a whim, spur of the moment, knee-jerk impulse and rented a car when I landed at the airport. I drove to OW's house, disarmed her, (of course she spoke with me because she was curious, too) and we sat for over six hours on her deck discussing the entire affair and my relationship with my husband.<P>Everything went well until I mentioned that throughout the 'affair', my husband called me several times a day, made dates with me to work out at the club before work, took me to breakfast, sometimes to lunch, met me at Church on Sunday for Mass, and started sleeping with me again half way through their affair.<P>She was LIVID. She couldn't get over it. It was the first reaction I got out of her. She said, "You mean to tell me that the whole time he was seeing me he was sleeping with you and taking you to Church and you worked out together every day???" AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH<P>It's a beautiful thing.<P>Catnip =^^=