This is just a little story for those of you whose spouses are going through the "mean" stage.<P>My H was very critical and mean for months pre-affair and long past D-day.<BR>One night, shortly after D-day I got into bed wearing a vanilla scented perfume. H immediately pointed out how much he hated the smell and that it was disgusting. This was NOT the meanest thing he had said to me...just another for the list..and it HURT.<P>Well...we seem to have been Bimbo free for a year now. I decided to conduct a little experiment.<P>Last week I bathed in the vanilla bubble bath, the sprayed myself liberally with the cologne. I came to bed and H said "MMMM you smell nice!" <P>Okay it may have been a LB but I broke out in giggles. He asked what was so funny. I told him the last time I wore it he absolutely hated it. I'm sure he didn't have a clue what I was talking about.<P>I just thought I'd share this with you because it shows that things really do change. Even their sense of smell.

WS,<BR>Hey girl, you always smell good here. <P>I'm finding those oddlets as well. <P>The old Guard forbade me to commit him to anything without talking to him...the other day he commited me to a church thing on a weekend he's gone, didn't remember his former "rule". Hmmm, I didn't ask if I can sign him up for stuff... <P>Even though I am back to the weight he didn't like me at (still within normal limits)...he frequently gives me compliments. Nevertheless, I want the weight back off, just not enough exercise this hot summer.<P>Poor Guard. We both want to & are letting the past drop, but sometimes it is so difficult not to say "Don't you remember when you ____________?"<BR>

Hi Wassi!<P>I've missed you! Haven't been in this forum much, but couldn't pass up saying "hello"<P>Funny thing about experiments. It's been 1-1/2 years from D-Day and things are better.<P>I remember those awful days when H said those unforgettable statements that betrayers usually dish out, when they are immersed in their affair (i.e. I love you, but not in love with you....I tried to work it out in my head, but it isn't working, etc. etc. etc.)<P>My H can't even believe that he said those things. I guess that once they are back to themselves, they are even horrified at themselves for having acted or said things that they wouldn't have normally said or done, had it not been for the affair.<P>Glad to hear that things are better for you. Keep us updated!

Thanks Lor <BR>I knew you'd get a kick out of that little story. You do remember my mean H don't you?<P>So these would be signs of real recovery?<BR>We have to make sure we notice them.<P>I forgot to say what my H's response to my giggling was.<BR>He said "Maybe you just had on too much last time and it was overpowering." <P>The lesson learned:<BR>He remembers very little and I think I'll leave him that way. <BR>

No trust<BR>I've missed you too!<BR>Yes they said some horrible things that are very hard to exorcise from our brains.<BR>I think this helped.<P>How are you? No more incidents with OW popping in I hope!

Hi Wassi!<P>In reference to the hurtful statements made by my Husband to me, I try to remind myself that at that time, he was under the influence of alcohol, his early mid-life crisis and OW...and that he was in a psycho frame of mind. That's what I call it, "the psycho period."<P>My H sure wasn't acting like his normal self, so I try to remind myself that he wasn't thinking clearly and that his mind was polluted.<P>Unfortuately, I can't say that our relationship is the best that it has ever been, because I felt that our relationship was really good for the first 4 years of our marriage (we've been married for 7 years). I honestly don't think that it will ever get back to what it was because it is so tarnished by the affair. I can't ever forget it. That's why I keep reminding myself that he wasn't normal during that time.<P>Anyway, OW hasn't popped back into our lives. At least, I haven't suspected anything. I hope that she is gone for good. But, there are always predators out there. I hope that my marriage is strong enough to withstand any temptations that may arise.<P>Best of luck to you Wassi...<P>p.s. I still haven't had the courage to go to the town in which she lives....those darn triggers still get in the way.<p>[This message has been edited by Survivor [aka_NoTrust] (edited August 29, 2000).]

No Trust<BR>Give it time. I belive you will come through this! <P>If you ever want to talk...my e-mail is mmawilliams@hotmail.com<P>You're doing great. This recovery thing isn't all wine and roses you know. It's the little things that count. Like the changes in perception of scents. <BR>

Wassi,<P>You are a jewel! Thanks for your support. It's been 1-1/2 years since D-Day. I wonder how I'll be feeling 6 months from now. Have you overcome all of your triggers yet?

Wassi,<P>Great thought. You are so right as to how their perception changes. So many things change and they are for the better. Right? <P>I will have to think on this one for a while to come up with some examples from our own situation.<P>To "Everybody that replied here" A huge Hello. Nice to see you all. Especially Survivor! You have been missed. Glad to see you here and smiling.<P>Hugs,<P><BR>ps. If you are here now, Wassi, I am back. LOL! <BR>------------------<BR><B>God bless you and all of us. We are all going to make it, all of us! With God on our side we can't lose! What God has joined together let no man put asunder. <P>Samantha</B><P>[This message has been edited by A blessed Samantha (edited August 29, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by A blessed Samantha (edited August 29, 2000).]

Hi Samantha!<P>Nice to be back and say "hello" to some of the oldies but goodies here!<P>Hope all is doing well. Take care sweetie!

wassi, Lor, Survivor and Samantha, all on one post -- you just know I have to respond to this one!<P>wassi, I cracked up at the perfume thing because THE SAME thing has happened to us.<P>Another recent development: h says things like, "Have you always been this pretty and I just didn't notice it?". I just grin and say "my appearance hasn't changed, except I'm smiling more."<P>Like Lor, I have gained back some of my betrayal-diet weight, but he can't keep his hands off me. It is embarassing to have to wear high collared shirts at 42 years old because I have hickeys! (I'll live with it.)<P>Some of h.' former mean comments:<P>"I've never been sexually attracted to you, you are too tall."<P>"Surely you realize that you aren't the great love of my life, XXXXXX was. (this was on our honeymoon, referring to his first big crush as a teenager.)"<P>"Ugh, look at IT" said about me in a picture taken right after giving birth to our son.<P>When I mentioned the honeymoon incident, he first denied it, then acknowledged it, then said, "you are right, and we both know I have said many really mean, awful things, especially when I was involved with _____. I USED TO DO THAT. Do I still?"<P>He has said that it all seems unreal to him, like it was someone else. (I think it was...the affair alien).<P>It is good to work through this stuff, yet I was reminded in re-reading the four affair articles that talking about the EA is a LB, and you must have a substantial amount in the bank before you can safely navigate through the past. <P>Most of the time, I am still finding it best to write my questions and negative feelings in my journal and thus "Protect" my dear h, who is trying so hard.<P>love to you all,<BR>lizzie<p>[This message has been edited by alias (edited August 30, 2000).]

<P>A good Guard tidbit. Last night he said, "I have to tell you something." I DID NOT have that stomach sinking feeling and just waited. The OW emailed him because he has become her supervisor and she had to give him some info. He said he didn't reply, but passed the follow-through to the next person down in the chain of command--who the email was also sent to.<P>He did good. So did I. Just thanked him for telling me and said that sometimes I worry when a long time passes and he doesn't mention seeing her or hearing from her--I know there is the occasional work contact. He just shrugged & said there'd been nothing for a long time. And I kissed him. <P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).

Hello you wonderful ladies. <BR>It's starting to feel like old home week on this thread. Did y'all think we'd be this far a year ago? <P>Survivor (I must get used to calling you that ...habit you know)<BR>The triggers...Chick's Bren and I were just talking about that subject. I would have to say I am becoming immune to them. There are too many to overcome. I am just developing an immunity. <P>Samantha<BR>Dear lady. I know you have lots of examples. please post them. <P>alias<BR>I've seen you in my lurking and meant to say Hi. It sounds like the progress is going well there.<BR>I gained back about ten pounds of my affair diet weight. Now I'm losing it again. Go figure. Will I ever get control?<P>Lor<BR>Applause!!!!<BR>I hope Guard knows just how important that honesty was. My H never did take the opportunity to make a bright move like that. It kind of made recovery difficult.<P>He did say something absolutely insane a couple of months ago though. (Not sure if he really gets the honesty thing)<BR>He told me that he had considered calling the bimbo just so that he could tell me about it and prove his honesty. <BR>I didn't even touch that one. Just told him it was probably just as well that he didn't do that. <P>Have a good day!

Wassi,<BR>Calling the bimbo so he could tell you...Criminy! <P>It IS fun to see familiar names who are also, can I say it here? SUCCESSES! <P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).

Yes Lor...he really said that. <BR>When he saw the look on my face, he immediately realized the insantity of the idea.<BR>And now that I think about it...he was being honest by telling me his idea wasn't he? <P>I'm still not able to call myself a success my friend. Maybe when I figure out what I've accomplished.

Just the other day we were talking about things needing to be remodeled, rewired or replaced around the house. We almost recarpeted, but decided to wait until spring and reroof first.<P>Anyway, I was going on and on about how the carpet really was old enough to replace (13 years) and how it was too light for our pets and family. Finally H asked what was I getting at. I said I wanted him to believe that the carpet needed replacing because of age and wear given our particular circumstance and not because I didn't care for it. He looked at me really funny and asked why I would even think that. <P>I told him because the only reason he could come up with for the affair or more accurately why he wasn't happy with me as a wife was that I couldn't shut the vertical blinds right.<P>He looked at me a long time like he was scanning his memory and repeated....what? I told him what I remembered about the conversation. Not only didn't he remember it, he thought what he had said was totally nutty. (Of course I knew that all along )<P>For all of the bumps in recovery, it sure is better than the old days.

Hi Again!<P>I just can't seem to stay away from this thread. I'm smiling as I'm typing this and it's so wonderful to see all of your old & familiar names here.<P>Samantha: About my new nic, although I changed my name from "NoTrust," I still don't consider myself a 100% survivor. I wonder if I'll ever heal completely?? I try not to dwell on it too much but I guess the new nic is sorta appropriate. It helps in my recovery.<P>alias: I'm chuckling about your hickeys...and I'm happy for you too! Your recovery sounds like it's going well.<P>Lor: I'm so proud of Guard for being so honest about OW contacting him. What a tremendous difference from when he was involved in the affair nightmare.<P>Wassi: I'm glad to hear that you are growing immune to those triggers. You sound so strong. I hope that one day, I'll be able to overcome all of my triggers.<P>Ladies....I'm so glad to see all your responses here. I often think about all of you and wonder how your recovery is going. So thrilled to read of your success! Good Luck & Keep It Up!

FHL<BR>You are just too good! <BR>You have it exactly right. All those horrible things they said...that hurt so much..left their memories as soon as the words were out of their mouths.<BR>My H's favorite phrase:<BR>"I really said a lot of stupid things didn't I?"<BR>Duh!!! So now I have to stop letting the memories hurt me. After all ...he can't imagine how he could have said them.<P>It really embarasses him. So much for the "in love...soulmate" thing eh? <P>Survivor<BR>I'm so glad you are smiling. <BR>Thanks for the vote of confidence but strong I am not. I'm trying. Just like we all are. Holding on to the little positives. Letting time numb the other as best I can.<P>Thanks to all of you that have been here along the way.

<B>Hey Girls!</B><P>Your right, it really does seem like old home week. A reunion perhaps? It really does my heart good to see all of you, and to hear the successes we are all achieving.<P><B>Wassi</B><P>Sorry honey, been so busy I haven't been able to think about the comparisons, but you know I will. As soon as I get a minute or two, I will post them.<P>Never was able to get on tonight. Give me a rain check for tomorrow? Sure hope so?<P><B>Survivor</B><P>The new name is helping you with recovery, and that is a good thing. I might also remind you that you are indeed a survivor. Heck those people on that show, (that I have never watched) can't have a thing on you.<P>Pat yourself on the back girl. I am still being bothered by the triggers. Was speaking to Wassi just the other night about it. I like you wonder if this/they/her are always going to be part of my life and me? <P>Where is <B>Nerly</B> when we need her? She is doing really well and I bet she could encourage/slap us into a little better shape? Or how about <B>CL</B>?<P><B>Lor</B><P>I have been meaning to tell you how happy I am for you and Guard. Everything I read just puts a smile on my face, regarding you two. Congratulations, and keep up all the good work, and examples. <P><B>Alias/Lizzie</B><P>How wonderful to see you here. Glad you stopped by. I usually don't come here too often anymore. So glad a dear friend alerted me to this thread.<P>Sounds like the journal is a great idea. I unfortunately seem not to be able to keep my big mouth shut too often. Seems like I need to take a few lessons here again doesn't it?<P>Glad things are going well for you, and looking forward to hearing your updates.<P>I too like it seems many of us have gained back some of the weight we lost on the infidelity diet. Tomorrow it is back to mostly protein and some discipline. Not only did I feel better thinner, but he was a tad more amorous with a little less of me around. <P><B>FaithHopeLove</B><P>Boy this is really like old home week. How are you doing girl?<P>Your carpet analogy was a great one. I'll have to remember it. Besides we too could really use some new carpet. Eleven years and counting her with this ghastly mess of floor covering.<P>My hubby still remembers how bad our marriage was, and what all led to his bad choices. Still all in all like you said, this bumpy road of recovery is sure a heck of a lot better and much more pleasant than the one in the old days. <P><B>Wassi</B><P>Sorry honey, I just got so side tracked by all the "Old familiar faces!" I promise while I have a minute or two at work tomorrow I will try and think of some examples. I know there are some, your right and I would like to share them.<P><B>Much love to you all, you are all such wonderful women. Aaahhh, I hear angels harps reminding me of yet another blessing, all of you! Hugs </B><P>------------------<BR><B>God bless you and all of us. We are all going to make it, all of us! With God on our side we can't lose! What God has joined together let no man put asunder. <P>Samantha</B><p>[This message has been edited by A blessed Samantha (edited August 31, 2000).]