Okay, im new here so bear with me. My affair has been going on for about 9 months now, and I have a nine month old daughter (I know), but I have fallen out of love w/ my wife (or have I) and want to be with the other woman (whom I work with, of course). This is such a cliché, I know, but it just happens. This is the same story you read about, sex is great, she is awesome, yada yada yada. HELP! Not sure what im lookin for in this forum, but just a little confused I guess at this point.

SOS - Welcome! I'll do the best I can on this thread <P>I guess I need a few more questions answered before I can give you advice. How long have you and your wife been married? Has there ever been love between the two of you? Is this your first child?<P>Speaking from my own experience, which is pretty close to yours, my H had an affair, with a coworker during the last month of my pregnancy and for the first few months of my son's life. I'm still not sure why - I think it's along the lines of 1) EXTREME fear of becoming a father, 2) I wasn't the "nicest" person during my preg. & postpartum, and 3) this fun girl starts working at his job, and they hit it off. My H and I kind of stopped getting to know each other, and he and the OW bonded. <P>I found out, as I was getting ready to go into labor, that my H was with the OW. Ouch. I let him know that I knew, and that right there was a wake-up call for him. Once the affair was out in the open, it wasn't as exciting anymore. He also quit his job, didn't get to see OW as much as he had before, and in my case, eventually she started seeing another man because she knew that she had no future w/my H. That may or may not help, I don't know.<P>The reason that you've "fallen out of love w/your wife" is that she's stopped meeting your most important emotional needs. Also, the birth of a first child is a PRIME time that people have affairs. This coworker of yours comes into the picture, meets companionship needs that your wife hasn't been, and BINGO, we have an affair.<P>But if you decide to go with the OW, how is life going to be once the excitement is gone? Once the affair is out in the open and there are no more secrets? Once you have to see the OW's most annoying habits 24/7 and she stops meeting your needs? That's what usually happens - many can attest to it! As it says in Surviving an Affair (an excellent reference) by Dr. Harley, "Because affairs are based on dishonesty and thoughtlessness, they rarely survive."<P>Don't give up on your wife. If you haven't let her know (in a non-lovebusting way) that she hasn't been meeting your needs, then you can't hold her responsible for you "falling out of love with her". Give her a chance to meet those needs. And yes, I know you're not going to like this, but if you do want to work things out with your wife, you need to let her know about the affair. I would advise doing this in the presence of a reputable marriage counselor, but secrets destroy a relationship. Best of luck, and like I said, hopefully some of the other WS who have actually been in your shoes can give you some good advice.

Caroline; Thanx for the reply. We have been married 4 years and this is our first child. Have we ever been in love? Good question, I think it's easy to say NO right now, but I assume we were. <P>However, I did tell my wife that I wasn't sure what I wanted right now, and that sent her in a tailspin. She is very insecure right now and I offered to go to a counselor, but I don't want it to be both of us. I told her that some wild stuff was going through my mind and I wasn't sure what I wanted right now! She thinks that I want to go out with my friends, party, and not have to report to anyone (This also plays a big part). Not sure if I want to work things out or not. Can I say that the affair has NO impact on our marriage and that I would be happy w/ out the other woman. I wish I could answer that. <P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Carolina Belle:<BR><B>SOS - Welcome! I'll do the best I can on this thread <P>I guess I need a few more questions answered before I can give you advice. How long have you and your wife been married? Has there ever been love between the two of you? Is this your first child?<P>Speaking from my own experience, which is pretty close to yours, my H had an affair, with a coworker during the last month of my pregnancy and for the first few months of my son's life. I'm still not sure why - I think it's along the lines of 1) EXTREME fear of becoming a father, 2) I wasn't the "nicest" person during my preg. & postpartum, and 3) this fun girl starts working at his job, and they hit it off. My H and I kind of stopped getting to know each other, and he and the OW bonded. <P>I found out, as I was getting ready to go into labor, that my H was with the OW. Ouch. I let him know that I knew, and that right there was a wake-up call for him. Once the affair was out in the open, it wasn't as exciting anymore. He also quit his job, didn't get to see OW as much as he had before, and in my case, eventually she started seeing another man because she knew that she had no future w/my H. That may or may not help, I don't know.<P>The reason that you've "fallen out of love w/your wife" is that she's stopped meeting your most important emotional needs. Also, the birth of a first child is a PRIME time that people have affairs. This coworker of yours comes into the picture, meets companionship needs that your wife hasn't been, and BINGO, we have an affair.<P>But if you decide to go with the OW, how is life going to be once the excitement is gone? Once the affair is out in the open and there are no more secrets? Once you have to see the OW's most annoying habits 24/7 and she stops meeting your needs? That's what usually happens - many can attest to it! As it says in Surviving an Affair (an excellent reference) by Dr. Harley, "Because affairs are based on dishonesty and thoughtlessness, they rarely survive."<P>Don't give up on your wife. If you haven't let her know (in a non-lovebusting way) that she hasn't been meeting your needs, then you can't hold her responsible for you "falling out of love with her". Give her a chance to meet those needs. And yes, I know you're not going to like this, but if you do want to work things out with your wife, you need to let her know about the affair. I would advise doing this in the presence of a reputable marriage counselor, but secrets destroy a relationship. Best of luck, and like I said, hopefully some of the other WS who have actually been in your shoes can give you some good advice. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

SoS,<P>You were a child once, and I hope you had a happy childhood. If not, I am sorry, and I wonder what made your childhood a sad one.<P>Your young baby is a gift and if you look into her innocent face, I hope you see a great happy future for her because of the man and father you will be to her.<P>I hope she didn't have to cope with being brought up solely by an insecure and bitter mother who never had a chance to give you the great sex you needed because she was recovering from carrying your child.<P>I hope your baby girl will not hate you for not being there and I hope she will not destroy her own life because of unresolveed hurts.<P>You may think I am trying to make you guilty and I hope you are. The truth is, as I write this post, I am having a hard time convincing myself to stay in my own marriage - one marred by my H's A. BUT what gives me the strength and resolve to try despite myself is the picture of my baby growing up into a lost, self-destructive and unhappy person. I will be guilty for life, I will be sorry for life, but nothing will be able to erase our children's loss.<P>I really wish I can be SELFISH. You see, I was a fashion model who had graced magazine covers and jet-setted about the world. I have a postgrad degree and would have little problem settling into another relationship with a better looking, younger and more wealthy guy - a relationship that will not have the hurts of my WS's two year A. Boy, am I tempted quite often.<P>BUT I look deep inside myself and know that life is more than just looking after myself, especially so when I have a baby.<P>SoS,<BR>You have the wisdom and sense of responsibilty to come post at this forum. I salute that.<P>I pray that as a father now, you can take the god-given responsibility in personally, together with your wife, bring up your daughter.<P>My H's OW was also a co-worker who started out very nice and supportive until the veil dropped and we had a police case on our hands. You can read my post "Adultery Tormentors" if you want to get the full story.<P>I am not saying your OW is a psycho or she is not likeable. What I hope you understand is you are now high on the throes of a new relationship and the nitty gritty day to day stuff that is life hasn't got in the way of your affair.<P>Please don't throw away a marriage and now a family - try instead to recapture the reasons why you and your wife ended up together. If you feel that you wife has not met certain aspect of your life the way you like, please talk to her. You can get her to read this forum to help her find her way besides the counselling. <P>Let us know.

Welcome...<BR>You do have some stuff to sort out. This is a great place to start doing so. I would also suggest that you consider starting counseling on your own...the Harleys phone counseling (hit the "counsel" at the top of the page) is very good.<P>I also want you to know that it is very possible to rebuild a very loving, in-love kinda marriage...It isn't easy, but very worthwhile.<P>Good luck.<P>Kathi

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Same ol Story:<BR><B>This is such a cliché, I know, but it just happens. This is the same story you read about, sex is great, she is awesome, yada yada yada. HELP! Not sure what im lookin for in this forum, but just a little confused I guess at this point.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Welcome SOS,<P>Of the many wayward spouses (WS) that come here, I think you will have an easier time simply because you are already aware that you may not be seeing things clearly right now. You are <B>miles</B> ahead of some of the sad, self-deceived souls who show up here.<P>Read the articles here and read the posts to get get a feel for the pain involved (on all sides) if you continue your affair. There may be enough misery here to scare you straight. Learn from the mistakes of others. It IS the same ol' story, and it is sad...often gut wrenching.<P>Let us help you. Read and post. It really helps to crystalize you thoughts when you share them with others. Good luck.<P>------------------<BR>But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.<BR>Galatians 5:22-23

Dear Sos:<P>I want to congratulate you for being corrageous enough to ask for help on this site. I think that it also may mean that you are not so sure about staying with the OW. <P>I guess I would like to know if you spend any time with your new baby. I'd also like to know about what changed 9 months ago. (Yes, we can assume that you wife had your little girl and was a bit pre-occupied.) I just wondered if you could pin point the needs that you had un-fulfilled. Maybe, this little exercise could help you break-down the chronilogical events that took place and perhaps you would be able to look at your situation without the rosy colored glasses of love as much.<P>I am simply wondering and have also always wondered about the turning of these kinds of events. You see, my own father had had affairs. I grew up abandoned in many ways. I am now incredibly suspicious of men. In many ways, I have eschewed the thought of marriage because with marriage (in many cases) comes children and unfortunately (now) the rising possibility of affairs.<P>I have another question for you, (and with all due respect.) How can your girlfriend stomach taking you away from your child? I assume, of course, that you don't bring your baby with you when you see her. I could be wrong. The next question I have is about you. (This question of course is mute if you indeed take your child with you when you visit your girlfriend.) How can you love and respect someone who has no consideration for your own flesh and blood? Do you think that if you left your wife and the OW became step-mommie that her consideration for your little one would change? Do you think that she would be less selfish of your time?<P>I am sorry if I have offended you at all with my questions. As the product of an unhealthy relationship and a child who has always wondered why Daddy loves his girlfriend more than me, I am simply curious. I am not saying that every couple needs to stay together. Sometimes, divorce is the best solution. I have just never understood some things - like why one partner can't say to the other that they are having difficulties before an affair begins. I also don't understand why the ignorant partner needs to be shamed and have their children shamed right along with them in order to find out what REALLY is going on.<P>I am sorry that this may seem harsh. I really don't mean it to be.<P>Take care. I hope I haven't scared you away from MB.<P>oak

Hi SOS:<P>You know sometimes you ask for advice when you really already know what you need or want to do. In your case I think you know what you need to do...the fact that you have these feelings for OW is just making it very hard for you. <P>Since this is the MB board and we advocate the rebuilding of marriages if possible, I think you must assume that the advise you are given here will be pro-marriage. Even the WS who post here are usually seeking absolution and convincing of the error of their ways.<P>So, having said that, I urge you to reach out to your wife and see if you can't rebuild this marriage. You have been in a trying time in your marriage with the birth of a child...suddenly a man has to share his wife and he is not the center of attention anymore...some men find that hard to deal with and go seeking that attention elsewhere.<BR>Please understand that woman are programed by nature to concentrate on their offspring...this is the guarantee of survival of the species...and is our prime reason for being (instinctually, of course). <P>Gentle remainders to us that H's need attention to are not inappropriate...sometimes we do need reminding...as we can get lost in caring for our children to the exclusion of everything else. <P>But don't go looking for something you can find at home if you just ask and don't just expect us to know. There is nothing magically about what OW has to offer, it's just that what she has to offer is just what you are in need of...the right product at the right time...a guarantee of success. Don't make it more then it is in your own head.<P>Buffy<P><BR>

SOS<P>Ditto to Buffy's post!<P>The impending baby being born must have really struck a cord in you...<P>Did you not read anything or get any info on how your wife would change physiologically, and hormonally for nine months and not return to "normal" for at least twelve months after the birth? You should have, you would have saved yourself alot of grief.<P>Let me share this with you, my H had an 18 month A. after 30 years of marriage and 4 children later. Tonight I told him about someone who posts here, Tootrusting, (read her latest post), before I finished telling him about her dilemma, he guessed it and said, he(TT's H) needs to completely let go of the OW, no ifs ands or buts. Let her go, forget her, walk away... That is what he(my H) had to do, for himself, for me, for our marriage, for our children, for our history...<P>My guess is that he would say the same thing to you... Do it now, your wife and baby don't deserve to be treated this way, they both need you so much at this time. I promise you that the baby won't bite! If you have a communication problem, share that with your W. She can't do better if she doesn't even know there is a problem.<P>Sure that OW is fun and exciting, but think about it, that's not the REAL world, now is it? At some point the veil is lifted.<BR>WE'LL HELP YOU GET THROUGH THIS!!!<P>Good luck,<BR>Cathy

WOW! Thanx to everyone who has replied and NO, Im not offended by any of the remarks, so please don't hold back!<P>This OW; we work VERY closely together! How am I going to call it off? I can only think of changing jobs\positions and I will not do that and I don't think she's in the market either. It would be hard to just 'call it quits' when I see her every day and want to be with her. <P>When I get home from work, I don't even want to be there, I would rather be @ work or with my daughter. I try to communicate with my wife, but it always breaks out into a huge fight and she starts BALLING (I hate that). <P>I love my daughter VERY much and we spend alot of time together and I don't want to lose that, but I'm afraid of the marriage. <BR>I think what I lost in our marriage, is what has never been there, the attention, or affection. I just can't pin-point it right now!<P>MAN! This is confusing, it just started out physical, with NO strings attached.

SOS<P>Just an idea, try telling the OW that you really need to focus on what you need in your life, therefore you will need to back off for a while. Give this a try! All involved deserve this chance, and remember it( the A) is all so dillusional right now. <P>You cannot focus and really come to terms with your emotions if the OW is present in your life, she clouds your efforts and you cannot be totally honest with yourself. Don't expect to do this in a week or two.<P>As far as your wife's BALLING... HORMONES, HORMONES!!! When I get in this funk my H says my Hor's are moaning! <P>Your wife is starving for attention, it is so hard for you to see that b/c you are so self-absorbed right now, only your needs are being met by the OW. When was the last time you did something nice for your W? Try to do something for her that you know would be special. You have to start somewhere...<BR> <BR>It sounds like you really don't want to ditch your marriage, you still feel a certain comittment to your W and your child.<P>I'm no marriage counselor, I'm not very good at giving advice or articulating for that matter. Someone on this board will help you and I think you really want some help or you wouldn't be here. This is a big step in the right direction.<P>Does your W know about the A? Does she stay home with the C.?<P>Keep posting you'll get lots of advice.<P>Cathy

SOS<P>Whoops! Where did you go? Did we scare the pants off you?, or are you with OW tonight?<P>Come back here boy and face the music!!!<BR>We can help you out of the fog!!!<P>Cathy

SOS,<P>Let me ask you something, have you sat down with your wife and told her calmly, lovingly and with respect due to the woman who you married, who gave birth to <B> your </B> child that there are problems in your marriage that need to be delt with ? Have you told her what it is you need from her ? <P>If you don't let her what is wrong and/or what you need how can you expect her to be able to know. <P>How do you know she isn't feeling the same way ? Far too often a husband thinks his wife needs nothing more than for the man to be the bread winner, I'm sorry but wives need affection, attention and admiration every bit as much as any other woman does. <P>Too often our H's forget that under the wife, mommy roles we are still those same women that you dated, that you used to surprise with a small gift or a surprise trip to the beach to watch the sunset or what ever. I have seen how my h treated the ow he was involved with, and believe me, if he would show me that kind of attention, that willingness to put me before any other<BR>person, he would have had a much less emotional wife who was prone to crying all the time. We cry because we hurt !<P>Many times during pregnancy and after giving birth women feel ugly and unloved/unlovable. She has needs too, and while you may think you are doing what she needs, you may not be.<P>Let me ask you another question, how would you feel if she cheated on you ? Before you answer that really give it some thought. <P>I suggest that you both do the emotional needs questionaire which you can find here, fill them out honestly.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4110_emndsq.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4110_emndsq.html</A> <P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Deb<P>Hepatitis C, Please educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In" TARGET=_blank>http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In</A> memory of a very dear friend <A HREF="http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp" TARGET=_blank>http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp</A>