A little background for those that don't know me. <P>H's last affair was a kind of a swinging thing. He was having sex with his friend's wife, with the friend being there , most of the time they were both with her at the same time. <P>This went on for 6 months, until the friend caught his w with my h one night at my h's job. I knew nothing about this, it was being during h's lunchbreaks, gives a whole new meaning to eating out.<P>I found out two years ago, it ended the day I found out. <P>We are usually doing ok, but there have been things that cause problems. him giving our phone number to a woman he met in a grocery store parking lot mothers day was one of the last. Until saturday night/Sunday morning anyway. <P>He was asleep I woke up and came in to check my email before I had to get him up for church (he goes with me now), he had left our computer on and had two windows open. One was to the local newspaper, the other led to file in his email for a news group for swingers ! EEEEERRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH !<P>This was really a bad, bad thing for me to see. It's like you get threads emailed to you , one had the title "I would love to watch you ^%#* my wife !" <P>I lost it, we had words, he got mad at me for being mad at him. Please people tell me how <B> that </B> isn't going to bother me ! <P>Everytime I am ready to post that we have made it and I'm past all the hurt and we have made it some trash like this comes up.<BR>Of course I always get, "I'm not doing anything wrong ! " I am beginning to hate that. His reason for being on that is he just got anything with from the newsgroups that said Houston or Texas in the title. <P>I have forgiven him the best I know how, but I can not forget what happened, after all, the last affair wasn't the first.<P>I just don't know how not to be bothered by this stuff, and I don't need this right now ! I started combo treatments for Hep C last Sunday, and they not only make me sick, but I am as weak as a baby from them as well.<P>So go ahead, tell me how wrong I am, but please, be gentle with me. <P>------------------<BR>Deb<P>Hepatitis C, Please educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In" TARGET=_blank>http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In</A> memory of a very dear friend <A HREF="http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp" TARGET=_blank>http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp</A>

Hi,<P>I am sorry about the pain you were put through and now this latest disapppointment.<P>I am afraid that your H's behaviour is actually classified as deviant in both the secular and Christian sense. I hope he can seek help to deal with that. Unfortunately, he did not simply fantasise about this type of menage trio but had the taste of it, and that may create a craving for this sort of deviant activity from time to time.<P>Although I do not know the whole story, particularly the way you see yourself after the As, I garner from the way you describe your occupation as "Deb Bozo's wife" that you see yourself largely as that and that defines who you either really want to be or really are. I trust that if you can build your own identity, and be your own person for Jesus and live your life as a person in your own right, you will find life more joyful. I may be wrong here.<P>I find a sense of self identity very important because our H could be taken away from us by either natural or man-made causes. <P>I really think you should deal with this with a counsellor who have 'cured' this sort of behaviour. Your H may not want to do that but you need to gently persuade him that it is for the best to the marriage and for a fruitful walk with God. <P>May God give you wisdom and strength at a time like this.

Weep,<P>Thanks for the reply, I figured everyone would be in bed by now, h works nights so I am usually awke then too so we can at least sllep together during the day.<P>First to tell you about my screen name, I started here as not again about a year and a half or so ago, but I really didn't like to be called not again so I changed it to Deb_not again. Then H started posting here too he used the debs_bozo, since I wanted everyone to know I am his w I did a last change to Bozos_ Deb.<P>And yes, I do look at that as who and what I am. That is who I've been for 23 years. I know that isn't all I am but it is a large part of who and what I am. I am also a child of THE KING, not a very good child, but one none the less, I am also the mother of a 19 year old young man who (Thank You Father) has never been in serious trouble and I am a hepper. I am a daughter who loves her Mom, a (I like to think) decent friend, and a caring person.<P>How do I see myself after his affairs, hmmm hard question. I'm not really sure. I do know I am not as trusting a person, nor as selfconfident as I was. In fact to be honest, the affairs have left me very insecure and frightened that he will hurt me again.<P>I know his actions aren't going to lead to a fruitful Christian life, the problem is, h hasn't made a commitment to Christ as of yet (I am still believing for that one.). <P>Just having him go to church with me is a big step. You have to get the fish in the boat before it can be cleaned, and that is God's job, not mine. I'm just thrilled he is checking out the bait at this point.<P>At this point in my life I can't make any major changes in my life for at least a year. That is how long it looks like I will be on treatment for the Hep C, and getting a job outside the home to help me build self confidence is out of the question because of how sick the treatments make me. And because the only work I could get would be food service and most places would not hire someone with active cronic Hep C, it is passed by blood, too many risks of getting cut and passing this to someone who had an open wound /sore and came in contact with the blood. <P>Sorry to ramble on so, it's tired and I'm late or something.

Deb -- I hat to disappoint you, but you are not wrong for being upset by this latest discovery. I for one believe that your H is wrong for continuing his interests in this life style. Period.<P>In my own situation, I was doing some clean up on the puter last night, when I noticed that my W has been going out looking up information a professional athletes. Nothing compared to your discovery I know, but one of the "fantasies" that my W has indulged in is gain as much information as she possibly can about given sports stars, then thinking about and "planning" what it would be like to be "with" them. It hurts just the same.<P>So once again. . .You are NOT wrong in this situation. I am sorry that this has reared it's head again for. You will be in my prayers.<P>God Bless

No, you are not wrong.<P>How disappointing for you. I hope he can come to see why this hurts you and loses the defensive attitude and stop this kind of behavior!

Deb,<P>Well, I'm never a big fan of lovebusting---so I'll chastise you for that. But honestly, your husband MUST protect you from his bad behaviors. If that means giving up the computer and newspaper entirely---then dammit, that's what he ought to be doing.<P>If he really didn't *do* anything wrong, then he needs to look at it another way. "Are any of my *innocent* behaviors potentially going to harm my wife?" If the answer is "Yes", then he should stop.

Deb, I don't have great advice, but wanted to offer support. I don't even know what to say. In looking at all of our situations, it seems that our WS are looking for something..... but why??? What is is that they are looking for.<P>What is missing in us that we have this need? Where does it all come from. Has he dealt with any of this in individual counseling?? There has to be a web site or reading material on the subject of why someone would feel the need to escape to this type of behavior. <P>What are we all trying to escape from???<P>Anyway, I'm really sorry you are facing this right now. I wish I could be more support. I can at least listen and respond.

Deb,<BR>I'm sorry for your frustration and ongoing trouble with your H & your health. I wish there was a way to implant K's suggestion directly into Mike's head and make it a part of his permanent wiring.<P>I found a batch of porn sites in our temporary internet files, on several dates. I know I didn't visit them...the 12 year old has restricted aol...so that just leaves Guard & our 15 year old, they both denied it--the same exact expression on their faces. I didn't push it, but I see our temp files are cleaned regularly now.<P>I hate that aspect of the internet. A moment of tempatation can be immediately gratified, even if it is vicarious or impersonal.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).

Empty Shell, <P>Hey I was getting used to being wrong ! I don't think he has actually replied to any of these, but that doesn't mean it bothers me any less. I don't know anything about these news group thingys. I just know this hurts. You know, the funny thing is all my fantasys are about Mike, not some other guy. I just don't get it ! Thanks for the prayers, I can use all those I can get !<P>FH&L,<P>I wish he could and would too , where is our Butterfly with her frying pan when I need her and it ?<P>K,<P>I'll take the chastising, now if I could figure out how to get the idea of him protecting me like that into his head ! I don't expect/want him to give up the computer, we both enjoy it, but I would like to get him to get rid of that newsgroup thingy, like I said to Empty Shell, I don't understand what a news group is/does but that one bothered me, A LOT !<P>TooTrusting, <P>I don't know what more I can do with/for this man. I have stayed through two affairs that were both E&PA's, and several "friendships " that included lies, sneaking ect.. all done to keep me from being upset, of course No, I am not into outsiders in my bed, sharing my h with ow ect. But other than that there is hardly anything I have or would deny him sexually. Plus I love him and let him know it, one of his biggest ENs is Recreational companionshp, he wants to go places see people and things like that, I hate going out, I tend to be a bit of a hermit. But I do go with him now to meet that need, why can't all that be enough to make him stop and think about how I will feel abot this ???? The only counseling was with a member of the church I was attending on last Dday for a while. <P>Lor, <P>Between Mike and son, I have given up trying to see what they are doing, son is 19 so there isn't much I can do about him , unless I catch him looking at porn, then I can take the keyboard and mouse into my room ! <BR>And I don't bug Mike about it too much anymore, it does no good and only causes fights when I push. But this isn't pictures, these are more like ads from perverts who are into wife swapping, threesomes ect. and are looking for others like them to uh, share with. I don't want that in my life,<BR>I know how bad it hurt when he did that. <P>I just don't know what to do about this. Can't you unsubscribe to this kind of thing ?<BR>I mean really , if it's so innocent and he's not looking, why not ease my mind and stop getting the things ? Is it because doing that would make him feel forced to give up something he likes to shut me up, like all the fights about the ICQing he was doing with female friends was. That was a nasty one, for months I asked , cried, begged and yelled to get him to stop because I was so uncomfortable with it. He just kept it up, "hoping I would change my mind" <P>Why do I even care anymore ? It is starting to look like just pulling back into myself again is the only answer here. <BR>Sorry guys, rambeling again.

I don't know a lot about newsgroups, but it is my understanding that they do not come unless you have subscribed to them...<P>This site has more info on newsgroups...hit it and then the bar on the left has a series of "how to" topics, one of which is on joining newsgroups...<BR> <A HREF="http://www.learnthenet.com/english/index.html" TARGET=_blank>www.learnthenet.com/english/index.html</A>

Hi Deb,<P>Sorry this is happening yet again. If you would like the next time I am in Texas visiting my family I can borrow my Mom's frying pan. You know the heavy cast iron ones.<P>I really do not think you are in the wrong. If it was me it would seem that Mike might be looking again. I hate to say it but why join something like that if you are not at least interested. <P>I know how it feels. Tony pulls the same stuff. I have really been thinking about pulling all internet access. It just is not worth it. It might be a thought. There are free internet access out there such as AltaVista. Maybe you could be the only one with the log on. Then Mike would have to have you around when he goes on-line. Plus he can purchase the newspaper. The added cost is not as much as what you would get with peace of mind.<P>((((((((((((((((deb))))))))) <P>I know how you feel. I wish I know what to say to make you feel better. You are a wonderful person and you just do not deserve this. Now I am going to say the samething to myself.<P>Really Deb I pray for you all the time.

Deb Sweet Deb.....dear old friend, I'm so sorry to be reading this. I'm mostly a lurker now, but couldn't pass up your Post. I don't have any wise words of wisdom to offer you but K has some great advice here along with the others. What I can offer is my support and a hug. Stay strong sweetie....your friend, NoTrust

Deb,<BR>You are not wrong. What he is doing is definitel wrong. Since he is going to church with you maybe God will open his eyes.<P>If you can start studying the Bible with him maybe you can discuss those portions of scripture that pertain to fidelity. I have been trying to get there with my W but it is difficult when I want to go very fast but am unable to because I think her psychologist thinks she is bipolar from what she has shared with me about her sessions.<P>She is still taking the effexor the psychiatrist prescribed for her. Yet, I am unsure how regularly she is seeing the psychologist.<P>Sorry for going on the tanget. But I will be praying for you guys. I can relate to inappropiate behavior makes it difficult to deal with the mess. Last night she went to the skating under the pretense of dropping off a cd. She works there part time. She was gone for about 4 hours. Needless to say I am upset. I didn't show any emotion so that she does start backing off because we have been getting along really well lately.<P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><BR> regilmor@swbell.net

Kam, thanks for the information. <P>Paha,<BR>Thanks dear, there is no way he will give up internet access. I don't expect that, I do expect him to think about how these things look and how I feel about them. The skillet idea does sound good.<P>Survivor,<BR>My friend, I know you are there for me. That means alot.<P>Rob,<BR>I'm sorry you are still having problems too. We both need to be very careful about not showing any emotion though, it gets too easy to hide the ones we need to let them see along with the ones we hide to keep the peace.

Hello Dear Friend -<P>Long time no type!!!! My fault I know - I owe you about ten emails!!! I have not been on this thing too much or too often....I do keep you all in my prayers and had special ones for your uncle. (I am sorry for your loss) My aunt passed away also.....rough times, but am glad that they are at peace and out of their earthly suffering. <P>So Mike's messing up while he's sleeping now eh? Jeez!!!!<P>I vote to whack with the pan and then hand him K's post!!!! <P>There should be a way to unsubscribe I would think!! Perhaps you and Mike could make it a recreational activity to both sit there and unsubscribe to ANYTHING that would bother either one of you!!!! A cyber BONFIRE!!!!!<P>Love ya Deb (and Mike too!!) and although you should have asked and explained rather than loosing it, he should listen and "get it" and not continue to allow circumstances he created to hurt you!!! <P>Both accountable.......both need to work on and fix.<P>There how's that? MB politically correct or what? LOL!!!!!!!<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba