Okay, I know I'm really opening myself up for critism here, and I'm prepared for that (I think)...I don't want to lose my support group, but I need to get this off my chest.<P>I was thinking things over this morning, thinking about the OWs, what motivates them, what they must be like, how they can live with themselves, why they never feel any remorse, etc. <P>Suddenly, the scales fell from my eyes. My stomach lurched as the memories came rushing back... Oh, my God! .... JB! ... college in Texas... my car ... his house ... his wife!!!<P>I was an OW. <P>Oh, my God. I was one of *them*.<P>In 1987, as a very young girl, I met and developed a major crush on a neighbor boy, although I mean "boy" in the loosest sense of the word. He was 9 years older than I, 19 to my 10. JB was sweet, funny, charasmatic, cute. I'm sure he thought I was just a silly little kid, but I worshipped the ground he walked on!! <P>You remember that crush, don't you? I think we've all had one... <P>For two summers, I hung all over him, visiting his house almost every day for a game of Monopoly or Chinese Checkers. Even with the huge age difference, he was always nice to me, like I was his kid sister. He could make me laugh until my sides ached and I begged for mercy! Many times he would even come over (with his car!!) and ask my dad if he could take me out for ice cream - you can imagine how snowed I was...and I imagine, looking back, that my adoration must have been downright pleasant for him, too.<P>At the end of the third summer I was 12, he went away to college in a different state, and met and married a "nice girl" his own age, of course.<P>Flash forward 6 years, and I myself was in college in Texas, halfway across the country from home. The love of my life (later to be my H) and I had just broken up, and I was an emotional wreck.<P>A girlfriend invited me out to pizza where I met her boyfriend, who (what are the odds?) just happened to be my own JB's younger brother. I discovered JB was living 10 miles away and had a job as a elementary school principal right down the street! A "Tell him hi for me" led to a "Want me to give him your number?" which became a late-night phone call, which resulted in JB coming down to the campus to visit me.<P>We spent the day together, and a few more days in the following weeks. He was just the same as I'd remembered him, charming and so much fun. <P>I no longer had a crush on him of any kind (still very much longing for my boyfriend), but after the pain of the break-up it was lovely to be around someone who was lighthearted, fun, and liked me. We could talk and flirt (of course I thought it was harmless) and laugh and not be serious.<P>The fact that *he* now admired *me* was also a heady trip - no longer the awkward preteen with a silly crush, I was a very sexy 18. Was I trying to fulfill a childish fantasy? I don't know, but when I realized he was attracted to me, I did not discourage it, in fact, I enjoyed it.<P>One night driving back to campus we started talking about old times. I asked him if he was aware how much of a crush I used to have on him, and he admitted that he was. Then he said he had always wondered what it would be like to kiss me, and so I pulled the car over on a quiet street and let him find out. Kissing soon became groping, which ended with him getting off, even though most of our clothes were still snuggly where they should be.<P>I must admit I am puzzled looking back, because I know I didn't have any feelings for him other than friendship and was not really sexually attracted to him, but I was curious and carried away by my own newly discovered sexual power.<P>One other occassion I had dinner with him, his brother and my girlfriend, and afterward we ended up back at his place (his wife was out of town). It was late and I ended up spending the night, in the guest room. I had not planned to spend the night so of course I didn't bring anything to sleep in, so I slept naked, but closed the door. During the night JB came in and saw me, and slipped in next to me.<P>Sex was always out of the question, but there was some kissing and again JB came, then went back to his own bed. This time, I was repulsed enough to realize I didn't want anyone but CL (now my H), and was wasting my time here. <P>JB, too, was tormented and we had the "talk," where we appologized to each other and parted friends.<P>Looking back, I never once felt guilty over the fact that JB was married. I don't know why. Perhaps as a single person, I did not yet value marriage. But maybe more than that, I knew JB and I were not serious and had no thoughts of breaking them up.<P>If anything, the marriage was a safety net to me, because it allowed me to just have fun, flirt, and enjoy JB without wondering if he was going to get serious about me. I didn't want a relationship with him, I knew I'd never love him and he belonged with his wife.<P>When I thought of their marriage, it was like you think of any friend's marriage, in which you are not directly involved. You know, "They are having problems, and that's sad. I hope JB can pull it together and they can work it out." I remember walking through their house looking at pictures of JB and his wife, and knowing she'd be upset if she knew I was there. But I had no concept of the horrible pain I might be causing.<P>Now, I am suffering terrible guilt. Knowing the devistation of an affair first-hand has changed my perspective, and I do not know what to do with myself. I don't want to be this terrible person, but what else can I say? What can I do to right the wrong? How can I live with myself?<p>[This message has been edited by WorthItForEternity (edited August 31, 2000).]

Hi WIFE,<P>I just saw your post and thought I would respond. Look at it this way, you have learned an awful lot in the intervening years, and tonight you just learned something else.<P>You are not an awful person, you did something you shouldn't have, but you are not an awful person. So instead of racking yourself with guilt, realize you made a big mistake. Learn from it. Use this information to help you and your H recover your marriage. Use it for perspective on how easy these things can happen. How innocent they can begin, how things from our past can motivate these actions.<P>WIFE, your posts suggest a very introspective person, a good woman. Your H is lucky to have you and I suspect he knows it. This long ago flame, was just that, and perhaps the guilt of what he did, has helped save his marriage as well. You don't know these things.<P>All you can ever do is learn from your past, and since you have never done anything like this since, I would say you have learned very well. So take this new found realization and use it for something positive, a better perspective and perhaps a bit more forgiveness in your life.<P>Please think about this.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

WorthIt-<P>I agree with Just Learning. . .you made a mistake a very long time ago when you were young and immature. Your not a bad person, but remembering what you did, I think, may make you a more compassionate person. I don't know how, why I did the things that I did. I just know that I'm truly sorry for what I did. I think recognizing what you did was wrong is important - while you may feel guilty about what happened - you cannot change the past. And to really do anything right now, I think, would cause more harm than good. You are not a terrible person - and to use Just Learning's words to me - what you may have done (a long time ago) may have been terrible, you are not a terrible person.<P>If you need to talk to someone, and I don't know how your relationship is with your H, but why not confide in him? But, again, I think so much time has passed, that you shouldn't carry this burden . . .All you can do is learn from it. . .You are a good person, we all make mistakes at one time or another, we just need to accept that and try to become a better person.<P>Try not to come down on yourself so hard. I did a lot of stupid things in college, too, testing out my new found freedom, etc. . .Do I have regrets? Heck yea. . .Did I feel guilty about them? Yea for a long time (that's the kind of person I am). . . But, the thing is, if we concentrate only on the negative, we'll never become better. . .I know you feel really bad about what happened, but sometimes you can't go back and "make things right" you just need to live and learn.<P>Take care, you're a good person . .<BR>

Thank you so much, JL & SKM for your kind words. This is not the response I was expecting...but I appreciate your sensitivity and faith in me.<P>As a BS, I have been so judgemental of OWs (and I still am, I suppose). The thoughtlessness, selfishness of their actions, the pain they inflict carelessly, makes it hard to be sympathetic.<P>I remember reading that most women would rather be gang-raped than be cheated on, and I suppose I would have to agree. Now I watch the memories of what I did like a movie reel in my head, and each smile, laugh, kiss or touch I gave to JB is a blow to his wife. I am the one who has taken this sweet innocent woman and potentially crushed her.<P>I want to find some action that I can take to make amends. I do not know if he ever told her - I doubt it. I would like to encourage him to come clean with her and make it right, work hard to restore her and *be* the man she thinks he is. But to contact him would be insulting to her - any contact at all (no matter how innocent) a further violation. I would love to beg her forgiveness, but at what price?<P>Thank you for listening to my rambling. I need to find my way clear of this guilt.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I want to find some action that I can take to make amends. I do not know if he ever told her - I doubt it. I would like to encourage him to come clean with her and make it right, work hard to restore her and *be* the man she thinks he is.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>NO WIFE!!! Don't do it! You are understandably burden by your recent revelation and I can see how you'd like to not carry this guilt around. <P>BUT! You could really do more damage than good just to release your own feelings of remorse and shame. <P>You have NO idea what their marriage is like and you have no idea what they've shared or what decisions, compromises they've come to. <P>You, I'm afraid, will have to turn this shame around and realize that:<P>1) you'll need to carry it yourself, and <P>2) Thank God that you've been granted a new perspective.<P>I'm done. Just my 2 cents. <P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Lisanne (edited September 01, 2000).]

worthit,<P>i think that it is very big of you to come here and admit that. It was many years ago and both of you feel very badly for it. You haven't done it again and haven't spoken to him in all these years. Your guilt is your own. Find a way to get over it without letting his wife know. You may feel better by unloading to his wife, but she will feel just as horribly as you do being the BS. That is not what you really want anyway. Try going to confession with your pastor or priest. You can alleviate your guilt and be accountable to God. I am so sorry that you have to deal with both sides of the coin. It is a lot to handle. Stay strong.

WIFE,<P>What would be a true waste is if you didn't learn from this. You are in a situation now, where your H needs your forgiveness and understanding. You have just gained a new perspective on how these things occur. Use that new perspective wisely. Apply it to your marriage.<P>If you do this, your lesson and the potential pain it may of caused, will not be wasted but turned for something good. A better marriage for you, H and your family. Grant to those around you, exactly what you would like from the OM's W. I believe you will find that you feel proud of yourself and your realizations will have been turned from something harmful (to OM's W, OM, and you) to something that benefits everyone.<P>Now ask yourself, how could you do any better at meeting your obligations to be a good person in God's eyes? I don't think you could.<P>Please think about this. You are a good woman.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

You are all very right, and I thank you for this.<P>Lisane, I will not contact them. I could not, as I said, violate her that way. I am only stating what I would *like* to do. But practically, I know it would just be another act of selfishness to compound her pain.<P>Forgiving my H was easy. How could I not? He is like my own skin is to my body. <P>But forgiving the OW is hard - especially after repeat performances and professed (but never felt) guilt on her part. On the other hand, neither did *I* feel any shame for what I did, until it happened to me. Yes, I need to learn from this.<P>On the other hand, I cannot wait for *her* to do something which makes her worthy of my forgiveness. So I do forgive her, but every morning when I wake up the resentment is still here. When does this challenge (of forgiving her) stop being a daily affair?<P>Thank you so much for your individual insights. I hope I *will* learn from this and become a better, more understanding and forgiving person. There is a lot of bitterness in my heart that I would like to be free from. <P>As to my own guilt, perhaps I should not be so anxious to be free from it. I need to realize that I am no better than my H & the OW, the players in my own personal tragedy.

WIFE,<P>You may be no better, but you have been more steadfast. That says a great deal about you. You have learned and are doing well.<P>As for resentment, there is someone on this forum that has the following statement in there sign off section.<P>"Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die". <P>I have always loved that, and I think it is something for you to consider. This resentment is hurting you, step back and see if you can find anything that holding it as or is helping you with.<P>You are doing fine, WIFE. Like all of us you are growing and learning.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

worthitforeternity....<P>I was in similar shoes as you at 19 - VERY tempted to act on feelings I had for an older man and he also had for me, but all I had to do was look into the eyes of his two beautiful daughters and I knew his wife and I couldn't do it - it was very hard to resist, but I just couldn't do it..<P>That was a very hard thing..I absolutely don't reget resisting and don't wonder, but maybe that is why my husbands infedility hit me so hard...I had resisted at 20 - a very adult decision for a young,mature girl - why couldn't he resist at 42 after 18 years of a committed relationship?<P>J

genes,<P>today posted this site : <A HREF="http://www.smartmarriages.com/glass.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.smartmarriages.com/glass.html</A> <P>i found it interesting <P>i salute you for your value then and i am so sorry to hear of what you are going through.<P>it is really tough, eh, i pary that you feel stronger gradually day by day. <P>there is little consolation but i guess it is better that we know than not at all. i asked my WS what if the OW didn't tell all our friends and family and eventually myself, i would never have known of his treachery for the rest of our marriage - the marriage would have been defiled for life and the innocent parties' lives would have been a sham.<P>having children without one knowing could be a possibility as well, imagine my friend's surprise when his father's mistress and son came to knock on their door when he was 25...<P>i don't know about your situation, and i just want you to read a book that my sis gave me that is good for the soul: forgive and forget - healing the hurts we do not deserve by Lewis B Smedes<P>i know that Christ above is smiling at you and your past strength and when judgement day comes, you will be Honoured.<P>God Loves You, I know it is hard now and sometimes I even wonder if God's love is sufficient? I believe it is.

worthit,<P>Glad I came into the office this morning after all. Was supposed to go hiking with some strangers but the wimps never showed up at the meeting place on Mill Plain. On the way back over I thought maybe something good will come from NOT hiking after all.<P>I don't want to crowd your post but I took notice of it this morning. It reminded me of something I have held onto also.<P>I had a situation like yours but worse... I worked with the h. His W was a bartender in the little town in MT where I lived during that particular summer break.<BR>(She had given me a ride home one time and she didn't go right to the house but just out of town and stopped. She wanted to talk, I just sat and listened.)<BR>My last night on the job before leaving for school, she tried, successfully, to inibriate me. Later offered to give me a ride home. We guys really don't function well, physically, in such condition and, thankfully, I couldn't. <P>There were alot of EN's she was missing, so thankfully I left for school two days later. <BR> <BR> <BR>To this day I still have some regret, but am very thankful I didn't have a chance to let anything more happen. Yes, the marriage was in serious trouble before I got there due in part from her childhood experiences. But whether or not the H knew what she had done, I never heard. (She did tell me she had been in counceling.) <P>I, of course, had been a terrible flirt with girls (who I kept as friends later), the ones I knew MIGHT have made me back up my talk. One such friend, knowing I would back down if asked to put my money where my mouth was, said as a warning that some day I just might get myself into a situation I couldn't talk my way out of. 'Course, she was right and the next month after the episode I had to admit to her she was right...and I've been very careful ever since. That was over 20 years ago.<P>The pain the husband felt earlier that summer due to an unrelated issue is now felt by me, too, though my circumstances differ somewhat. <P>We may need to tell someone to try to make up for what we did. However, not anyone involved. (I do not know if anyone agrees with me, but you should probably leave the younger brother in the dark as well.)<BR>We now know the consequences of those "innocent" words and momentary lapses in judgement because of the "good feelings". Also, it is tempting to "preach" this so that others will avoid our pain but then we would have no friends.<P>I second all the positive comments on you from the others. <P> Though my wife heard my story before we married, I think your post made me rethink it and now I can let go. <BR>Gracias.<BR>rrunrr<BR><P>------------------<BR>Almost anything can be undone or forgiven.<P>Never take trust for granted.

Just a random side note...<P>I have to say that I'd rather be cheated on than gang-raped!! Jeez... lol.<BR>

Dear Worth It or WIFE,<P>I think the story you told is so much like going to confession. You finally came out and told it, and now it's not bottled up inside you, tormenting you.<P>I bet there are alot of us out here that need to fess up to things in our past. Maybe we harbor things from our past that make us react the way we do to things that happen to us now. <P>I have confessions I need to make too. Your bringing this up really made me think back into my past.<P>I'll share with you, I need to go to confession also. This may or may not make you feel better. I've had one beer and a split of wine so bear with my typ-o's.<P>Just out of high school, at the ripe old age of 18... I went to work to pay for an apartment with my best, growing up, friend. This was something we had always talked about doing. <P>My first job was at a local furniture store downtown and I was hired as a clerical/receptionist. Three women and one male general manager/office manager and one male book keeper.Then there was the infamous sales staff. I became very attracted to the gm/om. I'll tell you why...<P>He was married and had a little girl. His wife and child would come in periodically to visit,they were both so cute. For some reason I started to fantasize about being a wife and mother and having a husband with position. It seemed like an important thing to me at the time.<P>I was dating my future H at the time. H and I had a big falling out and I was so crushed.<BR>The "male" sales staff would rib me about my BF, and tell me I needed a real grown-up man.<BR>(These were the days before anyone had ever heard of the words Sexual Harrassment!)<P>One of those sales men came to my apartment and told me I needed to "be" with a real man. Thank God I was intelligent enough to not believe that He was the "real" man. I told my gm/om about the visit and we talked a little about it and no big deal, just let it go.<P>Shortly after, I began to really flirt with this gm/om and things began to heat up btwn us. He went so far as to call me into the stock room and there he kissed me. I was so shocked, not realizing want I had been conveying to him. He asked me if I would go out with him since I was not dating BF anymore. I told him I was dating some one else at this time (true), so I never went out with him. I think deep down I knew it would be wrong. <P>He started allowing me to get away with lots of minor offenses in the office and things of that nature. He would give me rides home and let me be late for work or take longer for lunch than the other workers.<P>There was an office party at the home of one of the district managers and I went with my new date... we were the youngest there. The men were all around me and I felt very self-conscious. Talk about feeling like a sex object! I could sense that some of the wives weren't taking to kindly to this attention I was recieving.<P>Later, gm/om's wife was pregnant again and had some serious health issues. I felt really bad for them and I guess that is when I realized there was no place for me in his life or theirs. I am so glad that I didn't continue to persue a relationship with this man. <P>I have always felt so guilty for even having feelings for this man and for letting him kiss me and make suggestive remarks to me. I quit that job before he and his wife had their new baby, and have never seen him since.<P>I have always wondered if I in some way may have negatively impacted their marriage and if she ever knew he kissed me and if she did, what did she think of me and how did it affect their marriage, etc. <P>I feel so much remorse for that period of time. I have to keep telling myself it was a period of growing and learning. I was young and inexperienced. I didn't know any better.<P>Do any of the OWs know any better? Am I also to consider myself an OW? I guess in a way, I AM.<P>So, there you have it! A True Confession! That was one wild summer for me! I had many new experiences that year, I guess you could say I was sowing some major oats!!!<P>Feel better now! I hope so, b/c I have never shared this with anyone and it probably doesn't seem so bad to some, but to me it was a terrible thing to do to this man and his WIFE. I would love to tell her I'm sorry for what I did. But, she may not even know and what would happen if she found out now?<P>Guilty as charged...<BR>Cathy