man - for those who are unfamiliar - my husband had a cybersex affair with someone he met on line for a year. I had no idea and it was a huge shock to me...I have been struggling big time with it and trying to understand it..there were no needs he was missing from me, but there were tons I was missing from him, but had adjusted to it..we have been in counsling for 8 months<P>In my attempts to understand how he could possibly do this - after his last LIE to me about it - I went into the chat sites and started visiting with different people..<P>It is such an interesting fantasy world and loving to study human nature - I find it very compelling..<P>but now - I have met someone :-( <P>wow - it hit like a tornado and now I am really confused.<P>all I can say is - I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW.... I shouldn't have done it, but are very confused......and sad, and confused.... :-(<P>Great start to the weekend...<P>J

<BR>Yep, you shouldn't have but you did.<P>Now you share your H's perspective. Use this experience to understand him and forgive him for what he did. Always remember how easy it is for a vulnerable person to make a mistake.<P>Slightly Sane<BR>

Genesform, I'm in the same situation that you're in. So, I understand what you're feeling. I also have feelings for the OM whom I met in a chatroom. It starts out as fun, but then you get pulled into it emotionally. I'm still fighting it, but day to day, it is hard. Keep me updated on your progress and how you are fighting the urge to stay away from OM.

No doubt about it!<P>Now is the time to tell your spouse!<P>Practice the Rule of Honesty...<P>...then get off that chat room forever!!!!<P>Don't let another sun set with this hidden from your spouse...<BR>Clean your soul daily!<P> <P>Jim

it is RAELLY REALLY hard - my EN's have been in such desperite need fro so many years and I had become complacent about it - just fell into the rut - I guess<P>This affair with my husband really woke up some needs in me and we have had to look at (my husband and I) and we are hanging on by a thread at this point - <P>This new person just fell into my life at a very vulnerable, stressful, and confusing time. <P>I know it's a typical statement, but 'we have so much in common and are going through the same things right now in our marriages - both seperated - he will be divorced in two months. <P>It's got my head spinning - it doesn't help when in counseling when the counselor asks my husband how he would feel about it if I had done this and he just shrugs his shoulders and the counselor tells you that my husband and I are very seperate spectrums of what the world fidelity means - how many interpretations are there???<P>maybe we can talk more - J

NSR - it is very hard to practice honesty when my husband lies stratight to my face and the counselors - knowing we both know that he is doing it - <P>Openess and honesty is MY most important EN - it has never been met by my husband and he seems to be incapable of it - so as we talked last night - the counselor has told us both - I can go into the world he has chosen and accept his rules of survival or he can come to mine, or we can meet in the middle somewhere - <P>so far - he has refused to meet anywhere and that is where I am at now....<P>I will tell him tonight as I believe in being honest - very honest, painfully honest - my husband thinks of that trait as a character flaw and wishes I wouldn't be so honest..<P>J

J,<P>You keep up your end...<BR>...even if your H can't!<P>Keep peace in your mind...<BR>...if you lower to his standards<BR>...you'll only hurt yourself!<P>Praying for you...<P> <P>Jim

genesform<P>got a post for you at W.I.F.E.'s Oh My God thread.<P>i know you are vulnerable but please don't do anything on the rebound however tempting.<P>in this case, it is double rebound - the cyber man being on the rebound as well.<P>i know it is really hard not to seek vengence but if you play with fire, you may get burned.<P>Tis far better to sort out this mess and get support from friends and family and be strong again.<P>your judgement of a mate may not be at its most astute at a foggy time like this<P>keep your head and conscience clear at this time and until you are healed can you start afresh<P>you are you and you have your values, rather reach high than stoop low to another person's ugly traits such as lying<P>god help and keep you<P>

Thanks weep - <P>I have been praying for strength - I can't say I have ever had this kind of pull toward something before - it is very hard to resist...<P>Your encouragement is very much appreciated<P>J

Just about logged off to go shopping. (this heartbreak diet has me "swimming" in my jeans.) Then I was reminded how all my fantasies of having an affair suddenly died when I saw what my W was doing. <P>This could be a wake-up call to your H.<P>rrunrr<BR>

well....ok, he knows..... saw the signs in me that he had done in this situation and guessed... <P>He's not mad - how can he be - he did this to me..... sad.... yes - it's all over his face... he understands the withdrawal factor going on now...<P>As brought up by rrunrr....a definite wake-up call...he's negotiating now where before he was defiant....<P>That was not my intention...OM understands...he's sweet and considerate...here we go again.... I feel like we are starting at square one again, but the field is a bit more equal this time - I now have a clue why and he knows I am also vulnerable to succumbing to unmet needs...<P>Thanks to everyone that helped...J

J<P>First thing you need to do is to forgive yourself. Second thing you need to do is do whatever it is that is necessary to stay away from the OM. Tell him that you need to make this last stand for your marriage, that he needs to go on with his life and you with yours. Tell him not to email you or instant message you or anything. If you need to, stay off the computer unless your H is there beside you. And ask your H to do the same for you.<P>Only you can do this. Your H cannot do it for you - just as you could not do it for him. You have all the strength and courage you need for this - and it does get better when you have no contact with the OM - you know this from Dr. Harley's work and from the experiences of others on this forum.<P>Read all you can about making a marriage work - see if you can get your husband to do so, too - or just leave some of the books and/or literature out where he can see them and read them if he chooses. Go to the site <A HREF="http://www.smartmarriages.com" TARGET=_blank>http://www.smartmarriages.com</A> and read the articles there - read everything you can on this site. Marriage is a healthy, wonderful thing, and the person we loved enough to marry is a person we always can love enough to make a marriage work. And with some effort, we all can make it work. You are still together, and therefore have an incredible advantage over some of us - take that advantage and run with it! You can DO IT!!!<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>