My wife adamantly denies that she is more than friends with a guy she spends hours every day with. It started a few months ago. Suddenly one day, she told me she'd been unhappy for a year, we never should have been married, etc, and wanted to separate. Right from the start, she had a guy friend that always seemed to be around. In the past few months, she's gone from saying she still loves me, to saying it won't work. Changes often. She plans on moving in a couple of months ("unless we work it out"). But she isn't doing any working it out. Comes home at 3AM often from OM house, no cleaning, cooking, laundry, doesn't see the kids alot, and today I saw them driving together...she ducked when she saw our vehicle. My question is....I'm trying to Plan A, but periodically I can't help but tell her when she has simply lied and the truth is so obvious. Always lying about who she is with. How far do I go to try and get her to admit what is going on. Or would you recommend just Plan A and don't worry about getting the truth. It is just so mind boggling to hear the lies of where she is going, when you know that such and such activity isn't even on that night. Or she says she's going with so and so, and that person calls the next day wondering why she hasn't called them for a week.<P>Do I keep playing dumb, or bringing up little things that are untrue? I appreciate any advice. Thanks alot.<P>Rick37

Boy Rick, I hope someone with more experience than me writes a reply. My H moved out before I knew what hit me. I didn't doubt that there was some type of affair between he and OP.. but I didn't know the extent until recently.<P>My H lied continuously... to me, to family (including his mom "I didn't do anything wrong" (ala Clinton)), and friends. I tried every method of getting him to tell me. I told him I would leave gracefully. all he had to do was say... I LOve her etc. I told him I wouldn't destroy his reputation at work or with his family or with the kids. <P>He still kept lying. Check out my post "why do they lie"... <P>I think, having said all of that, I would simply say... state calmly that you know what's going on, tell her you love her and are committed to working on the marraige. Acknowledge your part in leading her to look elsewhere to have her needs met... and Plan A, plan A, plan A!!!<P>I plan on looking here again to see what else you hear. Good luck.

This is really sad. You say She stays out until 3 in the morning with OM and hardly deals with the kids and so forth. This is unacceptable. I would suggest plan b now.<BR>I would suggest she move out immediately and the chances are the fog may clear up down the road. Right now she is conducting her life like a single person and treating you with<BR>complete disrespect. I suggest you see a lawyer and let her know it. I think she needs a dose of reality to see what she will be losing. Right now she is using you like a doormat. I think the more you plan A the more <BR>she will continue her behavior. There are many women out there who will treat you with love and respect. You do not have to put up with this plan A which enables her to continue her unacceptable behaviro. Good Luck to you.

I don't think that waiting for a confession is all that productive. My H has been out of the house for 8 months and living with his OW and STILL hasn't admitted that she's an OW.<P>Concentrate on the Plan A.

Thank you for the help everyone. It is hard to know what the right thing is to do. I've certainly thought of telling her to leave, but that opens up a potential court battle, which I don't want. I'm focusing on Plan A for now, and it isn't easy...no admitting truth, just denials. Regardless of what evidence I have. I already know that if I tell her I saw her ducking today while in the car with OM, she'll say she did it because she was afraid that if I saw her, I'd assume he was more than friends. This is all becoming too predictable. I'll think about it and decide what to do, keeping in mind what you have told me. I might just stick with Plan A, because I already know the truth, and am not sure more confronting with lies will buy me anything. Thanks again.

We must have some really sad people tonite after the holiday weekend. I have never heard so much negativity!<P>Look, Rick, your W is in a fog. She does not know what is more important because she is caught up in the addiction of the A. This is the thing that happens and it is so hard for the WS to let go, because they think this is the biggest love of their life, but it is a fantasy! <P>Read the books posted on this sight by Dr, harley. Especially Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs. These are very enlightining. So are the boards on this site. Read, post and Plan A. It is way too soon for B. <P>But you must to continue to tell your S what you know, and keep trying to make her see her neglect of her real life, but do not LB!!!!!! You must be supportive, and show her she has a safe haven to return to, and you need her to realise what she is doing to her family. Do not LIE to HER, or keep your silence either. She is doing it to you, you must show her the right approach--honesty, good info or bad. Then you can deal and know what to work on next.<P>Baby steps...<P>B

Hi Rick:<P>The question is not whether she is admitting to the affair or not...it's not really important whether she admits she's having an affair or not. If it's not this fella it could be another fella. Something is wrong in your marriage and it's not just this OM!!!!<P>Plese take the time to double your efforts to find out what's wrong and begin to correct it before she moves out. If you only concentrate on the end results of your problem then you'll never get to any real answers or positive resolutions. <P>Things may have already progressed to the point where there may be little you can do to stop her from deciding to leave, but you do have control over your reactions and what you decide to do after the fact. <P>Lying, for whatever reason WS do it, is part of this mess. Expect it, consider it part of the fog, don't be victimized by it, and don't let it keep you from doing what needs to be done.<P>Buffy<P>