Fellow MB'ers,<BR>Just a quick update, and then a few questions on how I might be able to help my W. My last post was back on August 28 and it was written when I was on an incredible high of hope, having just counseled with Jennifer.<BR>Very quick review here. I was half way across the country from my home, doing some job training for 5 weeks straight. A couple of days before departing for the training, my W finally acknowledged the affair, (although she wouldn't call it that), and announced that things were over between us. I then spent the next month in hell, not knowing where my life was going, and not being able to be home to plan A or work anything out. <BR> I'm back home now and though I thought it would be best to give things a couple of days to settle down, my wife knew I was hurting and was willing to talk. Having read all of the Harley works, (SAA at least three times), I am acutely aware of how badly she is addicted to OM. <BR> We now have a breakthrough of sorts. My in-laws have been a great source of strength for me and they have really worked with her while I was gone. She now actually admits that she has been having an affair, (hard to imagine that she didn't realize that, but when they're in the fog, well, you know), anyway she actually said the A word for the first time. She has agreed to counsel with Jennifer next week, and really seems to want to at least attempt to fix things.<BR> Also OM has cut off contact with her, having come to his senses partly due to pressure from his family, and due to religious pressure. <BR> Now for the really difficult part. Having read extensively about her side of this, I knew what to say to her to show her that I understand. She says I hit the nail right on the head and that she knows that I truly understand her. The thing that really hurt is that she asked me, "What if I can't get over him and can't stop trying to contact him?" I explained what she has to do about no contact and how if she can get through this horrible period of withdrawl, we can then begin to rebuild.<BR> My question is, what is the most effective course of action for me to help her directly? I realize that plan A-ing and spending time together will help and I have assured her of a safe environment to return to. I just need to know what to say,(or not say),to be the most effective in helping her and ultimately, us. <BR> Are there any betrayers out there that can help with this? What did your spouses do to help you through the fog? <BR> I know we have a long way to go, that I will have to get used to being a doormat through the duration of this ordeal, and that she will in all likelyhood have relapses. However I continue to have faith in the Harley methods and am looking forward to next week's session.<BR> Thank you all so much for your support and may God bless you.

WTD-<P>I am exactly where you are, except our family does not know our situation. My H's OW said goodbye to him today. He is shattered. He feels as "if his heart has been torn out of him." Now he knows how I feel--dday was only a month ago. She could not wait to see if he would go back to his famly, so she broke it off to save herself pain. She is div/single--no kids. No compications. She really loves him. I admire her for what she did. <P>Of course, I will be going through the withdrawl stage with H. But now i know I have a shot at this. I was sure the speech today was going to be goodbye to US. I really had to hold it in and not YIP into the air. But then I immediately saw how my H was feeling, and I comforted him. Obsession or addiction, it is still EMOTION. He must work through it. Then I will have a chance to rekindle our love--he feels nothing for me at the moment. But i am working on just being his friend and being open to anything he wants to say to me. He really has not opened up to me in years, so this is really new. I think it is a great start. <P>In hindsight though, i wish he had been the one to end it, and make the decision to remain with his family. This is another thing we will have to work through, it was not his choice, and he was abandoned: sound familiar? Yep, we BS's have felt that way for a long time. <P>Remember patience.<P>That is where I am tonite. I also posted under "My prayers have been answered" tonite.

Spend a lot of time together--absolutely minimum is the 15 hours a week Harley recommends. It decreases the available time to think about the OP & the opportunities to call. Keep busy. Start a big household project--painting, reflooring, massive cleaning, whatever.<P>I know these sound cliche, but both my H & are have been involved with other people and this seems to be what helped us the most. He's outside scraping paint & recaulking windows as I type. Hmmm, maybe I should be off the computer?<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).<p>[This message has been edited by Lor (Lor) (edited September 04, 2000).]

Whattodo -<P>I am a betrayer, and let me say that I applaude you - for your compassion, concern, and patience. It's really great that you have done so much reading on the topic so that you can help your w get through withdrawl.<P>I think I had the same questions as your wife - what happens if I can't stop thinking about the OM, etc. . .But right now, I guess I would advise her not to worry about the "what ifs." From experience, I KNOW that she can get past this. <P>My H and I have been in recovery for 5 months. The hardest part for me was telling my H about the affair and asking for forgiveness. Withdrawl is hard, but not impoassible to get through, but in some ways, I think she needs to get through it at her own pace. I really don't think that there is anything you can say to help her get through this - just try to be as normal as possible. Reassure her whenever you can about why you love her, why you cannot live without her, why you want your marriage to work. Remind her of all of the good things she brings to the marriage, re-enfoce that while she may have done something bad in the past - that doesn't mean she is a bad person. For me, I need those little boosts to help me re-gain my self-respect and integrity (which have all but been lost at this point).<P>For me, I had to get through the majority of withdrawl by myself. It was like an alcoholic trying to quit drinking. I had to take one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time, one month at a time. I started out this way, and when I made it through one day with no contact, I would pat myself on the back. When I made it one week with no contact, I would reward myself with a little treat. I made it through the first two months of no contact pretty well, and thought those feelings for the OM were beginning to fade. And then the OM calls, what a mess. Anyway, I mistakenly thought that I could "be friends" with the OM, and came on this site for advice, and realized that I couldn't be friends with this person - my H even said that we could be friends if I could assure him that we were only friends. Well, when the OM indirectly invited me to a hotel room, I knew it just was not possible to be friends with him.<P>Thank God I was able, at that point, to see the OM for who he was. Maybe he really loved me, who knows. I just knew that I loved my H and that I didn't want to lose him. I stayed focused on him, turned down the OM's offer, and started the whole no contact thing all over again. It's been two more months of no contact. <P>It's hard, but I still just take one day at a time. I can tell you precisely the last time I talked to the OM - down to the day and time (in seconds) probably. But I use it as a marker. . .Once you get past a week, your suddenly past two weeks, etc. . .Your W should reward herself for each little milestone - it helped me.<P>As far as my H, I don't know that he ever said anything. Other than saying that I could try to be friends with the OM - To me, he was saying, I trust you, you're a big girl - you need to do what's best for you. By allowing me to make my own choice, I realized that I already had the man of my dreams, I realized it on my own. I was the one who had to realize that by contacting the OM - I was hurting my husband and my marriage. I realized that I needed to make friends with people I haven't slept with. I realized that this OP - even if we could be friends - would be a constant reminder of this horrible thing I had done.<P>He also gently reminded me of Harley's principles, etc. . .At one time, early during recover, I told my H that I just wanted to call the OM - just to see how he was doing. MY H said - more or less - okay BUT, "that's not what the book says." I had asked him to read one of the books on infidelity and not only did he read it, but he was able to remind me of the guiding principles.<P>This whole thing has been a learning experience. I don't know that my H said anything specific, but he created an environment or we had a relationship in which I could tell him honestly what I was thinking. He didn't judge me, he didn't get upset, he just listened and offered his opinion when I needed it.<P>Just recently we came back from a week-long vacation. During the vacation, we had a good time, but we bickered a lot (at least that was my impression). Anyway, at one point during our vacation, I told him that I was still having thoughts about the OM. After not seeing the OM for almost 5 months, I was seriously having thoughts about him. My H understood, he even went as far as to remind me that hey Harley says it can take up to two years to recover from an affair.<P>So, its really good that you are doing your homework. My H doesn't come on this site, but I often print off threads for him to read and to get his opinion. For me, I would just let her know that it will take time. I had to keep focused on my long-term goal - a long and happy life with my H, but I have to take little steps to reach that goal. Tell her that it's normal to think about the OM, it will be hard to get over him, but it is possible.<P>It has been 5 months since I have seen the OM and it has been 2 months of absolutely no contact, and I can tell you (1) my feelings for the OM have faded; (2) I see the OM's faults and recognize that my life would not have been better had I stayed with him; (3) even though our marriage is not perfect right now, I have no desire to be with the OM nor do I want to leave my H - I don't think I could have said that 5 months ago.<P>I think as you move along through withdral and through recovery, things really do get easier to deal with. I have talked to other Betrayers on this site and know that it does happen - you do get over the OP. It just takes time. Tell your wife that's she's entitled to her feelings, she can cry and miss the OM all she wants right now, but eventually, your love will shine through, and I'll pray that she comes to the realization that I did - that my H really was my true love - he loved me regardless of all the things I had done, he continues to love me for who I am and not what I did.<P>I don't want to put pressure on you, but my H really was like the light that steered me home. Just keep doing what you're doing . . .I don't think it's important what you say or how you say it, I guess you just need to be patient with her (as my H was with me). Reassure her, love her. That's about it - sorry for the long post, but I just wanted you to tell her for me, that things do get better with time, they really do. There were times when I thought I wasn't in love with my H, but now that love is returning - three-fold I'll keep you and your W in my prayers. . .<BR>