delete<p>[This message has been edited by Trapped Mom (edited March 20, 2001).]

Hindsight is always 20/20. I'm not sure I have a great answer. <P>My H wanted to leave.. felt trapped. So, I sent him packing. Not only is OW NOT out of his life, but she has a permanent hook into him.<P>I grappled with all of the same that you are going through. I tried to look at it from his perspective. Perhaps.. MLC, perhaps depression, perhaps...generally unhappiness with self along with various crises in his job. Too much responsibility followed by just having his "giver" give out. EN's not being met by wife (that would be me) due to my needs not being met by workaholic H.<P>Whatever way I looked at it, I realized that knowing my H the way I do... he had to figure it out on his own. Is the grass really greener on the other side, or is it the same if not worse.<P>I only knew I could not live with him wondering if this was the ONE that was meant for him. I read too many posts here by people having EA's believeing that the OP was tapping into a part of them that was unfullfilled. I decided that if he felt unfullfilled, he needed to figure out why.<P>Is it really me??? Is it really the marraige??? Is it really the kids?????<P>I certainly cannot answer those questions for him. <P>So, I began my journey as well. I know I love my H. I still believe in him, have faith in him but he has to find that faith himself.<P>We all seem to get jumbled up in a relationship don't we. We give up some of ourselves. We accomodate, we aren't always good at communicating what we need, because we don't always know ourselves.<P>We create patterns... do the dance. And I think the way out... (because the grass is NOT greener anywhere else) is to step back, take a deep breath and change the dance. To take a hard long look at ourselves... rediscover "us" and.... then there's plan A. Isn't plan A a way of life. A way to be courteous and kind and loving to those close to us. <P>I guess if he's there with you.. a good starting point along with Plan A is to just try to understand him... what he is trying to sort out. Be his friend.. his confidant. Not easy. We are so human. I keep reading about patience on this board. That has never been easy for me. It has not been easy for me to just sit back and take a look around. But I do think that it is an important ingredient in success.

TM, wow, I could have written your post to the very letter about 6 weeks ago. I was feeling exactly what you are!<P>D Day for me was April 2, just a couple days more than 5 months. It was the middle of July, when I was slapped with reality---if I don't start letting this go and start to focus on the future (either with my H, or alone), I will destroy myself and my marriage even further. It was at that point, that things really started turning around for my H and I. He began to realize that I was strong enough to manage on my own and didn't really "need" to have him around. I wanted him very badly, but didn't need him. <P>He broke it off with the OW this past weekend, and is committed to staying with our family. However, he had been extremely wishy washy up until then. <P>How do you begin to put the A behind you? That is something so very difficult, and I don't know how exactly I did it. I guess the fear of beginning my life over again, alone, is what helped me to realize that no matter how hard, I had to do it. For so long, the A was what I thought about 24/7. Once I was able to get out and start to fuction like a normal human again, life had a new outlook.<P>Start to do nice things for yourself--pedicure, manicure, massage, whatever it takes. Buy some new clothes (I lost so much weight throught this ordeal that it wasn't even an option). Once I started to feel good about myself again, I was able to portray that strength and independence to my H. At first, I did have to force myself to get out and do things, and it does take time. But, I promise, you'll feel better!<P>I hope that I have been some help to you, and I will be praying for you!<P>I wish you all the best, Trapped Mom!

delete<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Trapped Mom (edited March 20, 2001).]