Well, we went to lunch and talked briefly. It started by me asking him if he remembered what my maiden name was, he did and asked why. I finally admitted to him that it bothered me that he remembered Janine's last name after a week of knowing her, and it took him a year to learn mine. He replied that some names stick out more than others. (Gee, thanks) <P>I casually asked if she was there at Willie's yesterday, he said that he didn't think so, but he didn't go inside. I asked if she had said anything to Willie about us getting back together, he said that he didn't know. He then says that he should have never told me about him and Janine, because I wouldn't let it go. <P>I said "I have never asked about the emotional aspect of their relationship, and I wanted to know what I was up against. I felt like you had to have an emotional bond if you remembered so many things about her and were so defensive of her." He said that there were no emotional feelings toward her. I asked, "why did you almost sleep with her then? You're a good looking guy, you can do better than THAT." <P>He said "Because she was nice. I've dated a LOT of beautiful women *chest puffs up tremendously* , but all of them always try to make me something that I'm not." I asked him what he meant, and he said, "I just wish that you'd love me for who I am instead of who you want me to be."<P>Now, he ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS has used this excuse to justify cheating on women. He's used it with me and two other girlfriends that I know of. Ooooh, I wanted to LB on him and remind him of that and that is just a pitiful excuse to justify his actions, but I didn't. I simply said, "honey, I love what I know about you, but how can I love you for 'who you are' if you won't let me get close to you? I know that I have to get you to trust me with your feelings, and I'm working on it. The most fulfilling thing in the world is to have somebody know your faults and weaknesses and to still love you in spite of them. I do love you, but if we don't allow one another to get close, we can't totally love each other for "who we are" " It looked like I got through to him, I'm not sure though because he rarely reveals feelings. I gave him a hug, told him I loved him, and I'd see him tonight.<P>I don't know how to handle this. I don't want him to think that I'm trying to change him necessarily, I just want him to be the best HIM he can be. If cheating, drinking, and lying are part of his personality, then YES, I do want to change him. He won't let me get close to him, but he complains that I don't love him for who he is. how should I approach this?<p>[This message has been edited by Carolina Belle (edited September 06, 2000).]

You should tell him in a non LB way. The truth. Explain how sometimes the truth hurts, but it is only for a short while where lies or silence is an going torture, especially when you already know something is wrong!<P>It sounds as if he want s to be loved for him, but he does not know who HE is. He thinks he will find out through his liasons, but he won't. He won't find his self esteem there either. He needs to look within, and stop blaming you for HIS behavior. He needs help and counseling for that. <P>Patience <P>B

CB,<P>You know what! I was the very same way with my H. I am was the betrayer. H and I are do FABULOUS! (Hope that doesnt ginks me!). I litrally thought in my mind that he didnt love me for who I was. But, he did. He just seemed to pull the negatives out of me. Not that he meant to do that. That is his nature. That is the way his dad done him. That made him work harder at who he was. Im not that way at all. Im a glorry hound. Tell me how wonderful I am. Then I get better.<P>This is just my opinion. Not that it means a hill of beans. I agree 100% with no contact. However, I did contact Om on several occasions. It was to hard not to. I met him for the last time in August. That was when I knew it was over. After 6 months without seeing him. The A died a natural death. When I seen him I felt very incomforatable. The feelinngs were not there anymore. I was so glad! At that time, I started rebuilding. All this time I thought I was rebuilding this marriage. No I wasnt. I was not completely over OM. <BR>Just PLAN A!!!!!!<P>I am taking it this isnt the first time he has done this. Theree needs to be some self-development go on with him. That is the only way that he is going to quit doing this. You can meet his needs. In my opinion. He has to work on hisself as well.<P>God Bless<BR>Renee<BR>