The B**** is back.. Yep 48 hrs and she calls saying she made a mistake and she'll wait a little longer.<P>h is grinning like a Cheshire cat, he is so happy. I am mad, and sad and I feel really hopless tonite. I know I'll feel better tomorrow.<P>I should have known, I had nightmares all last nite and the this AM when he went to work I thought to myself, "She always calls him at work." <P>I found out during therapy session. Needed an extra 1/2 hr to absolutely vent.<P>And da** it it isn't fair. Why do I get the Sh** all the time. I do all the supporting even when she dumped him, I do all the work and worrying and now he got her back. Sh**!!!!!! I am sick of being at this end. The highs and los are too fast and too drastic.<P>I am going to a codependency group meeting tomorrow. My counselor said that it would help me release with love (give him space to be an adult), so I can focus on myself and care more for myself, then for him. I have to let him do his own thing. If he wants to talk, fine. If he wants to cry. fine. I will listen. I will tell him my feelings, but that is it.<P>I will not hold his hand anymore through this thing. He gives up the OW or else!! We cannot work on our marriage this way. <P>I am working FOR our marriage, I feel he is working just to see if there is anything left, and there isn't, not if he doesn't want to repair. A one sided marriage, or love is not good enough. I need more.<P>I hope he gets stronger real fast, becasue this codependant wife if cutting the apron strings. He is in charge of his life and decisions now. If he quits, HE loses. HIS LOSS.<P>I am looking out for MY sanity now! And the happiness of my kids.<P>"Vinchero, Vinchero!" (I will conquer) sings Pavarotti; I will, too.

Burned spouse,<BR>I'm so sorry to hear this, but unfortunatly not too surprized. It seems OW have a very hard time with no contact, they think they can just call and be friends and help him through this difficult time... gag. Maybe its time to consider plan B. If Ow is so perfect, let her meet all his needs. Keep working on you and see how it goes.<BR>Lora

Unfortunately the rollercoaster continues.... I am also not surprised, once they walk down this stupid so long it's hard to let any sanity in until reality hits smack dab in the face.... real hard<BR>Sorry this has happened to you....<BR>Michael

Burnedspouse,<BR> So sorry to hear this for you. Thought maybe we could share this experience and help each other at a time when our spouses actually needed something from us. <BR> Although OM is supposedly avoiding contact with my W, it hurts to know that she will likely keep trying to contact him. I am waiting for more disappointment and lies from her, as seems to be so common on many of the threads here.<BR> Anyway, keep your head high, know that you are doing everything you can, and don't do ANYTHING until you've had a chance to cool off. I posted today on hurtingil's thread concerning another post from 3/30/2000 by brokenbutnotcrushed that was very helpful for me and my W. Check it out when you have the chance. Once again I'm so sorry.<BR>

Thank you for your replies. I see now that on this web site that this IS an old song. I am crushed to be apart of it. I guess I really AM a newby. I keep getting knocked back to zero, to the way I felt on dday. <P>I NOW remember someone on this site saying do not expect too much, because you will be dissapointed. I feel that is correct now. I was blinded by my good news, I should have known someone who "worships" my H cannot let him go. I won't, why should she?<P>Of course the more she wants him the more he wants her. I'd kick him out and give him to her, but she lives in NY! How can he pick up and go 2500 miles away, just to be with her. I think reality would kick in pretty darn quick. She has only seen his good side, and the devotion, and the excitement, and dreamy hotel stays like honeymooners. <P>--Wait-- H the father, h who spends more than he can afford without thought, H who is an alcoholic, H -if everything is not perfect-freaks. Yep she will get her eyes opened quickly. <P>I know of these weaknesses, I think she is not aware of it. I love and want him as is, with a chance at improvements during our "recovery." She wants her dream lover. Hmmm...<B>reality check!</B><P>I am sorry WTD--I am sorry to throw cold water on YOUR hopes with my news. Tune down your expectations, or get rid of them, and take what you get! And be joyful every day you can. Then you won't be as devistated as I am tonite. <P>B <P>

BS,<P>Remember .... Rollercoaster!<P>Keep focused on Plan A, BS. I'm so sorry, you're gonna experience set backs, unfortunetly. But stick to Plan A.<P>OW has shown you something about her. She can not take your H's ambiguity for very long. She's not the kinda woman who will put up with it very long, so if you continue to Plan A ... your H won't decide on either of you and she'll call it quits soon. I REALLY believe this. She'll get P/O that your H hasn't chosen her and will give up.<P>Stick with Plan A, BS. Do it! I know i'm right about this. If you Plan A him he will not want to chose her over you and she'll get sick and tired of it and say "Bye bye"!<P>Good luck, Hon and be strong.<P>Jo<P>p.s. Now more than ever you need to Plan A HARD. Stick to it and be steady with no LBs.

Dear Burned...<P>I can so relate to your dilemma, I have been in this situation many times and for now, like you, I thought things were really looking good. I am holding my breath though!<P>I will keep watching for your posts. In the meantime, take care of yourself, that is such a difficult thing for us co-dependants to do. I would like to share this issue with you if possible. If you would like my e-mail let me know, thanks.<P>Sincerely,<BR>Cathy

Dear B,<P>Perhaps it is wise to play it cool from now onwards to avoid the rollercoaster rides which can be so depleting of our energies and self esteem.<P>You know your h best, but I cannot help feeling that he is loving the attention and admiration of TWO women.<P>I would focus on my life and the children's. I would live my life like there is no tomorrow - feel ravishing, pamper my body with lovely fragrant baths, look after my health, my figure, do things that make me smile, laugh with the children, go out more with the children or alone. In other words, I would get a Life, with a capital L. <P>I cannot wait for a man who ponders whether he wants to break my heart or not because he has already done that. Maybe the love is strong enough to continue Plan A, but while Plan Aing, you still need to have joy, and once you are radiant and joyful without his help, he may find the woman he courted before he married.<P>I am speaking from my own perspective, which actually is a whole lot harsher, and I just want you to see the reality and your h to realise the good woman he has taken for granted.<P>God loves you and God wants you to Love yourself.<BR>Take care<BR>weep<P>

Sorry this has hapopened. From what I have seen from OW though when they break it off it is generally just a phoney ploy to force the MM's hand. It usually doesn't really work and they end up back in the affair right where they started. I agree with Resilient. She's shown something about herself. Most people in affairs HATE conflict and she is going to start causing it. LB big time. Also, take it from one who knows, even if an OW tells you she wants nothing to do with your H and never wants to speak to him again, don't believe it for a second. She'll be contacting him the second the opportunity arises.

Thanks again for your responses. I really need akick. I am so disheartened, that I just want to kick him out. If I don't talk to him, he does not even talk to me. Last night and again this AM, not a word. Jerk!!<P>Jo- how do i get back into this? I can keep from LBing-sure. But right now I know't even want to look at him, much less talk to him. I hate thinking that he gloating over my pain. It must be gratifying to have so many people love you and you can have whoever you choose! I just have to shut up for now. I am so hurt, right to the core; each step back hurts worse than dday. I am so sick of crying.<P>Cathy-yes I would like your email. I am confused about this codependence, but I am becoming more familiar with it. I am joining that group tonite, it will be interesting. I need to change this behavior!<P>Fairy and Weep-<P>I am starting to get it too. I was considering her in my H's class and state of mind. Addicted, etc. But she has never been the OW before, and is coming off a ten yr seperation from her H to divorce. I feel that this was not a good relationship and my h is an angel and very giving and having his MLC--she just sucked him right in, but she did too(get sucked in.) I think they are both a disaster.<P>I have another general question:<P>I keep hearing from the WS's on the board how easy it is to slip back into the A even after a long time has passed. With the intense feelings my H has, I know that I will never be able to trust him with her again. Well it is a fact, if she doesn't diappear, he will continue to love her from afar, and I will never have his love again. <P>Many of you WS also said that you knew you would never leave your spouses, that you loved them in spite of the addiction of the A. How many of WS were addicted, and did NOT love their S's anymore at all. No longer cared about their feelings at all; but stayed, hurting the entire family? Maybe for the sake of the kids, pride or reputaion?

I may as well jump on this bandwagon...<BR>Sometimes don't you just want to tell them to kiss off and get the h... out of your life. Wow, if it were only that simple.<P>CpT.

yes, Cathy<P>I would love to do that, but I would never mean it! It is such a drag to be in love with your WS! I still cannot imagine life and home without him.<P>I would like to kick him out for a while, so he can see what it would be like to seperate from us! Hoping that would miraculously change his mind. <P>Plus I am doing so many things new for ME, that I need the babysitter! <P>B<P>Yes, I would like to write you more on Codependency. Or you can read my continuing thread under the article heading, email or here, it is great either way.