Here's the short version: My H lived with a woman for almost 6 years. During these 6 years they had sexual relations once a year at the most. She abused him emotionally, humiliated him, abused alcohol and rejected him. He did all the cooking and cleaning for her. They broke up. Almost a year after that we met, fell in love, got married. My children and I had to immigrate to be with him. I have 3 children from my late husband (who died 8 years ago).<P>Even before I arrived in the country she send me an e-mail from his house and home computer with regards to lost luggage of his. She dropped him off at the airport when he was on his way to me. After we got married I stayed in my country for a couple of months waiting for immigration to be finalized. During that time they still went out to places (just as friends he says) which I only found out this week. He did not communicate this to me while I was still in my country and to the contrary assured me that he was not seeing her socially.<P>After I came here she never came to meet me or even called at home, although he assured me that she wanted to be my friend. When I found out that she was still calling him at work and he was calling her from work, I requested from both him and her to call each other from home (since they have nothing to hide). She ignored my requests (several times) and kept calling him at work. I sent her a letter requesting that she respects my marriage but never demanded that they stop having contact with each other, only that I be included. I invited her out and she accepted. Three days after that she called him again at work, throwing a temper tantrum about me asking her to call him at home instead of behind my back. We share a dog with her. Everytime after that when she had to pick up the dog, she would walk into my home, without knocking, dressed to kill and very cocky.<P>Everytime I mentioned this to my husband he would get angry with me and defend her with all his might. To make a long story very short, she has made sure that she is in closer contact with MY new family (his dad) and friends than ever, telling them that I am the one that has rejected her. I extended the olive branch 3 times during the past few months in order to build a trusting relationship with her. When I question her on this, she is vague and cannot explain if her motives are so pure, why she would not accept my friendship. She has had an affair with her best friend's husband and they are divorced now.<P>My husband has assured me that she was the one calling him and that he did not want to create conflict with her and that he wanted to spare her feelings. She started one of her phone conversations out with "Your wife has asked me not to call you behind her back, but you know me..." He finally told her after months of conflict, depression (me) that she must call him at home. Then she started e-mailing him at work. He did not tell me about it. She however did, rubbed it in my face and then he admitted it. She sent me an e-mail telling me that she is keeping the dog (knowing that my husband is as attached to the dog as a child) using the dog as leverage. She called one weekend, cursed me, screamed at me, questioned him about why he married me and all that he did was to make me "apologize" to her for my behaviour. He did not stand up for me. I was sitting on the bed crying and he made a joke with her before he said goodbye. His explanation was that he did not want to upset her or spoil his chances of getting the dog back.<P>We are going to marriage counselling now. In front of the counsellor he has committed himself not to have any contact with her beside replying to her e-mails to our home address with regards to settling the "dog situation". He however still tells me at home that she has done nothing wrong and him neither.<P>We are supposed to move forward but this week still I found out about them going out while we were engaged and married, and me being thousands of miles away. Everytime when he had talked with her on the phone he was very mean and demeaning to me. He changes into a different person if he has contact with her. She has called all our friends, telling them to check up on him because she is "worried" about him (being married to me).<P>I do not think that he has been intimate with her, but I feel that he has been very disloyal and I feel that I cannot trust him. He has lied about such a lot. Other people that know them said that they had a very sick co-depency going for years.<P>Even in marriage counselling he could not stop talking about the two of them and he defends her in front of the marriage counsellor. I do not think my marriage is going anywhere until he admits to me what is really going on or lets her know that HE does not want contact with her because it is not the best for his family. And I want him to confront her about her abuse of me over the phone.<P>The marriage counsellor said that he is not allowed any contact and that the woman is definitely out to ruin our marriage, but he still does not believe that. I do not trust him not to have contact with this woman behind my back. I do not think he loves me, and that he is still very much hung-up on this woman ?<BR>Sonet

You are right to be concerned. Whether they have a PA or not, this is very disrespectful to you and not good for your marriage. I hope you can remain in counseling and that things can change for you. <P>I think you have one of those women (like my H's OW) who are just out to do as much damage as they can to make them feel powerful and better about themselves. It's a hard thing to overcome if your H is a willing victim.

There should be no contact ever between your H and the OW. He should respect that, and she should leave you alone. Also, the whole sharing the dog thing should stop as well. I'm sure they have both used that in the past to keep a connection going. The marriage commitment to you should be first priority.<P>I hope that counselling works for you, and wish you the best.

Thank you, both Rick and Popeye. I am in a very bad place right now. We have another counselling session tomorrow morning. Last night we had a very calm talk about this woman and he was justifying her behaviour because of certain "control issues" she has. When he starts talking about her, there is no stopping him, even in front of the marriage counsellor. He justifies this about pointing out the relevance of it.<P>Now that he has broken off contact with her (still hanging because we at one point or another still have to correspond through e-mail about the dog, he won't let it go) he is finding fault with everything. And it's all petty little things. When I confront him about his feelings or what he wants, he keeps on reassuring me that he is totally committed to me and that he loves me.<P>This week his dad's girlfriend pointblank told me that she is taking the woman's side because the OW told her that everything I have claimed is lies and she believes her. I might add that when I moved here I found papers in our house that the OW had written to herself about how false she is with people (she is a salesperson). I don't even feel that I have to point out that she has successfully divided the family too, because the proof is in the pudding. It has actually happened. I am so alone right now. My husband says that he understands that I feel totally rejected and alone, but yet even after he found out that she has spread poison in the family, he as yet have no desire to confront her and tell her to stop all this madness.<P>I feel (sadly so) that all is in his hands now. Until he tells this woman that he is committed to me, that she has to stop meddling, it will never end. And he got mad when the marriage counsellor told him that he has to formulate an e-mail telling the OW straighout that he does not wish to continue his friendship (?) with her anymore. The marriage counsellor also told him that he has to confront her about the way she spoke to me on the phone and that he has to tell her that it was unforgivable.<P>I got the impression from the marriage counsellor that she suspects that I will have to "romance" him back to me. I have a huge problem with that. I have been nothing but a good wife, housekeeper, lover and mother in our relationship. I don't feel connected to him. I am starting to feel that we are never going to find our way back to each other ?

Although your H seems to defend this OW to a fault, at least he is doing it in front of you and the counselor! If you know what's going on, you can fight it. You have a good thing going since your H is willing to go to counseling and is willing to tell the truth (seemingly). Just do what you can to keep him there, and hope that some of her/his wisdom sinks in!<P>It also sounds like you have a good counselor. If she is telling you both things you don't necessarily want to hear, she is not playing favorites, but being straight up with each of you. If you trust her, follow her advice. If it takes romancing your husband, why not? Wouldn't you like to be romanced? Life should never be without romance, especially during troubled times. Try it. It might make a world of difference.

The counsellor tells us both things we want to/don't want to hear. I think she is the best possible choice for us.<P>The problem I have with "romancing" him is that I wonder if he has ever been committed to me and if his feelings for me has ever been genuine/or as deep as his feelings for this woman. How can I "get him back" if he was not really "there" to start off with ?<P>I know part of it is the ego thing. "He screwed up, so he has to repair the damage" sentiment... I know that we should work first and foremost on restoring love (not necessarily resolving conflict) but I have an awful hard time getting there. I still do not have all the information about their contact and I want to know everything, process it, get mad/sad, and get over it. Just burying it and saying: "Okay, that is past" is not a sensible thing. I say, let's get everything out in the open, deal with it and make our choices for the future then.<P>It is really hard to get past one's feelings of betrayal and hurt.