This week has been a blur. My father died last Friday.<BR>We were on the way to our counseling when the cell call came to hurry up to the hospital. <BR>H said to drop him back at work (gulp)and so I went on alone. Father was already gone when I got there, but I sat with him.<BR>He had suffered, pneumonia and the Alzheimers, so I try to tell myself that he is in a much better place now. <BR>I had been trying for 2 wks to contact my brother, with no luck. Two days later, he sends me email that he got my messages but couldn't get on the computer because his wife was using it. This is no surprise.<BR>H did come up to the hosptial after a half hour or so and I was glad to see him after thinking that he was also going to let me handle this alone.<BR>We have been talking more and he has been sharing the tiniest of revelations with me now and then. Still was an EA.<BR>I had supper (last week) with one of his co workers before she left to work elsewhere, and she said she didn't detect anything inappropriate between H and OW, but said it would look that way to me. <BR>I am plan A'ing and trying not to question H about what, where, and when. It is hard and most of the time I feel as if I am acting in a play without the script, just feels fake. <BR>Perhaps I need more time, with the other events in my life to settle down, before I can think more clearly about this. <BR>H has been very attentive and patient, but I am afraid to trust while still finding out details of the past 2 yrs. <BR>I did find out that when OW called our home to ask H to look for her new diamond bracelet (always a puzzle to me) it was because she had been in our van that day! I thought of that while cleaning the van a couple weeks ago and asked H... He then said she was "possibly" in the van that day, and "did you find it?". <BR>It hurts that I have found out the different places they went to lunch. Places that I thought were "us" spots and that will not be the same now. <BR>Thanks for letting me vent this morning, now I can go to the counselor.

I am very sorry that the full force of your WS's A is beginning to unfold....It can be very traumatic as the deceit unfurls its poison in your mind and heart.<P>All of us BS can barely stand upright against the tormentors that keep stabbing our souls and hearts with piercing sharp jabs. You feel so much pain that sometimes plunging a sharp knife in your heart to numb the hurts seems like a good alternative.<P>Nothing is sacred anymore - the love haunts once shared, the songs, the body (what can be worse than that?), the special days ....<P>I have actually suggested divorce and maybe remarrying H again as a way to resolve my hurts and dignity. A fresh start after a false start.<P>All of us have different ways of dealing with the pain and the wasted memories and dashed hopes. But one thing is for sure - the best way to recover is to discover your own joy of life and to Live Life as an entity in your own right. It will take time but it means a lot to our loved ones and to God that we do not let someone's mistake (or destructive behaviour) destroy our lives.

I am sorry about your father. No matter what the circumstances, it is always hard to lose a parent. He is in a much better place and I bet he is watching over you. Reach out and you will find his love just when you need it.<P>As for your H, I do not know if he warrants being trusted..only time will tell for all of us WS...I know I have tried hard not to do anything that would be untrustworthy and have failed a couple of times, but I am learning fast! <P>I can imagine that knowing your spots are not "yours" anymore is one thing that is very hard to deal with. I am learning that there are so many things we shoulda, coulda, woulda done differently and didn't. If you (and your H) are serious about putting your life back together, then could I suggest salvaging the good memories you do have and then concentrate on making new memories...after all if we are supposed to spend 15 hours a week with each other we have to do SOMETHING!<P>Find new places to go, find new songs to share...make those memories important to you and they will be!