WhenIfindthetime,<P>One thing Steve Harley told me (& what I have read) is that the spouses that end up leaving, are usually of the mind set that things CANNOT change, i.e. history will repeat itself.<P>For instance since my wife had some problems with me & decided she told me enough about them (whatever they were) & I didn’t change that I WILL NOT change in the future so why should she try?<P>If any of us believed things could NOT change, then we would have divorced the minute we found out.<P>I KNOW I can change & I have, for the better. Much better. I believe my wife can change which is why I wait. Will she? I don’t know. We’ll see (the 2 year time frame.)<P>Do I sit here & lay everything on the line that she will change? Absolutely not. I am ready to “just get over it” at this point. I don’t need her in my life. I still want her in my life, but I believe it most likely won’t happen at this point.<P>If we don’t think change can happen, then why are we here at Marriage Builders?<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Chris...<P>You've hit the nail on the head...<BR>...for us long term Plan A-ers.<P>yep... almost 17+ months since D-day for me too.<P>It is becoming clearer for me that my W doesn't <B>want</B> to believe <B>anyone</B> can change...<P>...with her XH... my stepson's biological father... comming back into my stepson's life...<BR>my W (his mom) is clearly 'living out' a past world about him... remembering only that he was an alcoholic/druggie... and now this is what she tells my stepson... and even elaborates it by calling her X a stalker.<P>...with me... she too filed for divorce just 3 weeks after D-day...<P>...and here's the kicker...<BR>...I am beginning to see this with clarity...<BR><B>my W doesn't believe SHE can change</B>!<P>The infidelity has led her down a road where she, herself, doesn't feel that her changing herself will help! The affair was just too easy (I was too trusting)... and the repercutions were not there...<BR>Her seeing the kids just 13 days in the last 7 months...<BR>Her being able to fill her time with work...<BR>Her having as much time(excluding work) with OM...<BR>...means an easy life.<P>Maybe our divorce trial isn't going to change that...<BR>...yep exactly 1 month away... Oct 10th!<BR>...but I too will wait out the 2 years...<BR>......unless she marries the OM<BR>......and so far... that too seems more than likely.<P>Your and Steve's insights always help me...<P>Thanks...<P> <P>Jim

Chris,<P>I am here because I wanted to understand and i learned alot. However, my STBX doesn't believe either I can change or she can change. She hated Harley's LB book, and refuses counseling, even for her own psych problems. OCD and bulemia.<P>Wife even said she sees the changes, but she says she has lost herself in the marriage. And her losing herself happened only after I took my current job 4 years ago. <P>I just think that only determined people can changed, goal oriented people can change, and people with certain life perspective can change.<P>without that, the probabilities diminish without a huge incident to open their eyes to see. People who run away from their problems, don't realize the same problem follows them until it is fixed.<P>thanks for the reply. It has given me some insights into the next stop.<P>thl<BR>

Last night I ran to the store. As soon as I got back , we were going to go to church. When I drove up, the youngest was on the phone speaking with mom. She hung up and we left.<P>I asked her who it was (Mom) & what did she have to say. She told me, "she said she would call back tomorrow & speak with Michele (my oldest) because she already talked with her lots this week."<P>My oldest said, "she really said that?" referring to her "talking with her lots this week." She last spoke with her on Aug 30.<P>Wowza, huh?<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A><p>[This message has been edited by Chris (CA123) (edited September 11, 2000).]

Hi Chris,<BR>Wanted to pop in on your update. You really have managed to remain incredibly level-headed through all of this. You are on my all-time list of great people. There will be a happy ending for you soon, one way or the other. You have the love of your children, and that is alot. <P>I'm angry and sad for your wife at the same time. I know what it is like to be in the "pit" and afraid to crawl out. <P>Glad (and sad) to see some familiar faces here.

Chris - you are doing an amazing job!! I give you a 5-star rating as a dad. Your children are so lucky. <P>I definitely recommend that you remain open to the idea of professional psychological help for your children. Both my s & d have benfitted greatly. They see separate people in the same group. It's been wonderful for both of them.

HI chris,<BR>(((((hugs))))) for you and the girls. I hope you are taking them to Jethro Tull. The need exposure to real culture my dear. <BR>cl