<BR>This week in our counseling session, H admitted that he's still carrying on an EA with OW. I was devastated, although I suspected all along. And, I was shocked that he just blurted this out when he clams up and home and doesn't want to discuss anything. <P>Of course, I told him that there is no chance of reconcilliation while she's still in the picture, and that this is incredibly hurtful to me. Our counselor asked him what OW provides for him. He said that she makes him feel loved and needed, but.... that I make him feel that way too!!! She then asked him what the difference was. He said that he thought it was guilt. Now, I do know that H is very susceptible to guilt, therefore I have tried very hard to not do or say anything that would add to his feeling of guilt. H has been home three months now, and he will not/cannot make love to me. I'm thinking it's probably directly related to his guilt. And, due to the fact that he still has an emotional affair going. I asked him why he bothered to come home and he said that "he thought it would dissipate". He also said that he didn't think OW would ever stop pursuing him.<P>On our way back from the session, I was still very upset. He became very clingy, reached over and held my hand, asked for a hug, etc. I told him (as I tried very hard to hold back tears) that I was tired of getting beaten up. He said that HE was getting beaten up too!!!!!! Then he said that I have done absolutely nothing wrong (I've heard this a million times now), and that he's on a course of self destruction.<P>Yesterday, I told him that I am considering getting an apartment. He said nothing. I sat at the table holding my head because I've had a stress headache for two days now. He proceeded to rub my shoulders, and then got me a heating pad.<P>The only time I seem to get any response out of him, or any signs of affection is when I threaten to leave. He has already informed me that he won't leave "because this is his home".<P>What now?? I am so confused. I can't continue to tolerate this, yet I don't know that now is the best time for me to make a move because I am in the middle of a job change. I will have a lot more stress with having to quickly get up to speed in this new job.<P>Yet, I feel so lonely, empty and unhappy. And, I realize that I am a prime candidate for an affair myself because he is meeting very few of my emotional needs. I feel like OW gets all the good stuff, and I get the crumbs.

Sidney<P>My H is where your H is. He has not spoken at all at home, he only blurts out things at the therapy sessons. His PA is EA most of the time, she lives across the country. but he admitted last niht that he had not been able to do the no contact agreement(60 days) he was blaming her for a while(she need E support) but now he admits that he can't do it either.<P>I know the feeling of no progress nite after nite. He still says he is confused, scared and in love with OW. There isn't a chance right now, and i am getting impatient. Threw a load of LB's at him last nite, he just isn't making decisions, he is rolling along. Well, it has been 6 weeks, it is time he move on. Anything. As long as it is a step forward! I am in such pain from his silence(I cannnot take it at all.) And I am sick pf pretending to the outside world that things are normal between us. It is a charade I am not willing to keep up if he cannot make and honest effort towards our marriage.(no contact!)<P>I am so tired of being the only one to make personal improvements and steps toward our marriage. It is so one sided, he just sits there nite after nite. Crumb.

Hi BurnedSpouse,<P>I know the feeling of being the giver, and all they do is take. In reading all the Harley stuff, we can't do this for long without building up resentments. Plan B is inevitable. Harley recommends moving to another state, yet in this electronic age, I don't think that is a solution, anymore.<P>Sometimes, I think that H is hoping I get so disgusted that I end the marriage. That way, he'll be off the hook. He won't have to be the bad guy. Yet, the couple of times, I have gotten to the end of my rope, and said that I've decided to take care of his problem for him, he's broken down and cried. It's the only time I get any type of emotional reaction out of him!! And, when we were separated for six months (he left & moved within 5 minutes of OW), he called me constantly, was driving up nearly every week, & told me that he was having nightmares that I was seeing someone else. After he left, I had the locks changed on the house and that nearly drove him over the edge. He must have told me a half a dozen times how that "hurt him"!! I think it scared him because he was losing control over me.<P>You know, I've often thought that the only escape from this nightmare is to leave town with no forwarding address.

Sidney<P>I know what you mean. My H and i have not seperated or moved out, but otherwise you are right. My h thinks that he can just putter indefinately with no decision making. <P>Even in therapy last week when found out that my H had failed the nocontact thing and was keeping it from me, I broke down crying. I also had found out that the OW returned after a 48-hr 'I can't take it any more, its over." He cried all weekend.<P>It was so abvious becasue he was almost gleeful when he told it to us. I could have smacked him! It hurt me all over again. So I got upset and told the therapist that he wasn't really doing anything to help the marriage, that he could make not decisions. He even wanted me to throw him out so he wouldn't have to be the bad guy.<P>Oh, no he waas brought up to well for that--bull. This can happen to anyone.<P>It was so hard sitting in church together this AM. i felt as if we were lying to all of our friends. It pained me to think of it. I wonder he could have sat in church with me during the A(when I didn't know) and feel like he was respecting the house of the Lord. I bet he has never prayed for strength. I have, my codependent spirit. <P>I have had a really bad week. Drunken nites, so no communication could possible happen. He doesn't even say good nite, he just disappears.(We're in seperate rooms.)<P>You know what I'm doing tomorrow? I am moving back in to our room! I am not going to ask any more, It is my right, I will simply tell him; and all my stuff will be back already. <P>Let's see what he does with that.<P>B

Sidney,<P>I wish so much I could help you as you have me in the past. Unfortunately, I have found myself in the same position, though I think even the EA is over.<P>W seems only to make decisions about us when I propose an untenable situation(at least for her). Three times now, I have completely thrown up my hands at events and indicated very strongly that I was giving up and I wanted the divorce. Each time results in some kind of major movement by W. The first time it was agreement to joint counseling. The second was when I decided it was time for her to move into the apartment she had been renting and not living in for five months and that we should proceed with the divorce. In that case, she kept telling me that the divorce was the wrong thing to do, that she definitely didn't want it.<P>The third time was last week, when I had finally had enough of absolutely no progress at all. I told her I was tired of this, that we were getting nowhere and it was doing neither of us much good. I told her I was leaning toward finishing the divorce(we are so close that all I have to do is some of the final paperwork to have in final in a couple of weeks). The result of this was for her to start asking "What would it take for us to be able to communicate?". This has been my strongest complaint over the last year.<P>So, you see, your H is not the only one who reacts only to perceived crisis. I think you are mistaken if you believe that he wants you to end it. I felt that way for a long time, and discovered I was wrong. Your H just hasn't straightened things out yet and he is buying time. He does realize that it's not *you* and that is important.<P>You are right not to try to move while still adapting to your new job. That might be too much change in too short a time.<P>The question really comes down to: How long can you hold on??? Just do the best you can and we will be here for you.<P>Hugs...big major ones....<P>--DeWayne--

Hi Sidney,<BR>Big hugs from me too. I replied to you on my thread. I totally agree with Heartpain. The real question is how long can you hold on and what will it take for you to extend the timeline while your H "buys" time. I know mine is trying to do this too...<P>Take care friend,<BR>Starpony

Hi BurnedSpouse,<P>You know it simply amazes me that they would even want to be sitting on that fence for so long. I know that it's a very uncomfortable and painful place to be. In my case, H has never gone past the dating/infatuation stage with OW. The fantasy part. So, of course she will always have a special glow because she's always on her "best behavior". As our counselor pointed out to him, she has no committment from him so she expects nothing from him. He does the smallest thing for her and she just "gushes" about how wonderful he is. I know this because I've read some of her letters. I'm beginning to see that his reluctance to break ties with her is because when he looks at me, he sees a reflection of himself as an [censored], but when he looks at her, his reflection is one of being a knight in shining armor. He can't come to grips with what he's done.<P>Hi DeWayne,<P>Thanks so much for your insight. You are absolutely right. H doesn't want to end it with me, & I really don't think he would do very well without me. And, I'm not just saying that. I am really trying to simply concentrate on me, and on getting my life back in order. I'm focusing on what will be good for me at the moment, & I don't think a major upheavel (as in moving) would be wise to do now that I'm possibly looking at a new job. It's still not for sure, but I hope so!! This job MAY be my salvation because there is a chance that I would be relocated. Hope things get better for you, and hugs to you too!!!!<P>Thanks, *Pony. I appreciate your honest and kind words. One thing that our counselor stressed to us in one of the first sessions is that "life goes on". I am getting better at compartmentalizing the turmoil at home and enjoying all the other things in my life that I have to be thankful for. Like my friends, and all of you on MB!! Hang in there. We're in this together.

sidney:<P>I have never posted you before, but wanted to say you are in my prayers. You are in the same place it seems as several of us are lately. <P>The second discovery is horrible no matter what. <P>Stay strong!!!!<P>Judy<BR>

Thanks, Judy. I do get a lot of strength from all of you on MB. No matter how much pain we are in, there are always others who are worse off.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by sidney:<BR><B><BR>This week in our counseling session, H admitted that he's still carrying on an EA with OW. I was devastated, although I suspected all along. And, I was shocked that he just blurted this out when he clams up and home and doesn't want to discuss anything. <BR></B><P><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Do you really want an apartment? Would it put a greater stress on you? What do you really want to do in the marriage?<P>Be honest with yourself.<P>Build upon the affection your H displays and help him see your love for him. I'm telling you from experience, now, thoughts will creep up in the most intimate moments. It's up to you to choose how to deal with them.<P>Out deposit the OW. Make such a big deposit in your H's bank that he will want to close the account of the OW.<P>The edge you have is you are his wife and she's a wanna-be.<P>Right now, he's confuse and your stressed out...it's up to you...you already know that.<P><P>------------------<BR>Love hurts no one.

Sidney,<BR> I am so sorry for you. I couldn't keep going through that over and over again. Your husband must make a choice. He can't keep you hanging while he bounces back and forth between the two of you. You deserve better than that. Good luck to you, and i hope things get better for you.

Sidney.. I am sorry to hear about this... I cant remember.. How long has it been since you have been in recovery? (or supposed to have been)....