Hi everyone,<P>As you may remember, my last post was concerning the discovery of new evidence - should you, or should you not, disclose it? Well, now unfortunately I think I am in that position and don't know how to handle it.<P>My H is a skipper on a private yacht here in Spain, and at the moment is with the boat on the neighbouring island of Ibiza for a couple of days. Normally I go with the boat but this time he didn't want me to - first clue. If he ever is away without me he always calls me last thing at night and first thing in the morning. By 10am this morning he still hadn't called - so I called him- no reply, after 1 and half hours I called one of the other crew on the boat to ask could I speak to my H. His answer was so washy, that I asked him straight had my H slept on the boat or not last night. He replied 'I don't want to get involved, make of that what you will'. My H eventually called me at 12.30pm- after I had been trying to reach him for almost 3 hours on his cell phone! His reasons for not answering/calling were just as washy. He uses his cell phone for his work, and it is practically surgically attatched to him- so I know what he was telling me was crap.<P>He's due home tonight - and from previous experience I know that confronting him with anything normally drives him away - but how does one cope with all these lies?<P>I'm obviously thinking the worst - that he spent the night with the OW in a hotel over there - even though he swears blind that it's over. bla.bla.bla....(second time that is!)<P>I have no proof- and he knows that, so he'll just deny it till he's blue in the face - and will no doubt end in major LBing. I know this Plan A thing says act normal etc., but how can I when I feel so bad? Believe it or not I still want this marriage to work- but at what point should you think about giving up - just to save your own sanity....<P>Right now, this forum is the only thing that's keeping me sane - I feel as if the whole world has gone mad and that pretty soon I will wake up and all the madness will have disappeared - no such luck.<P>I'm sad, hurt, angry, depressed, confused and desperate for some kind of peace. I know a lot of you are in much worse positions than myself, but slowly I feel it's all getting too much for me to handle. I'ld be grateful for any advice or help from any of you.<BR> <BR>Thanks<BR>Trisha

hi trisha,<P>What you say seems pretty clear to me.<P>His own crew member says he doesn't want to get in the middle, etc. If there was a legitimate reason for your H to be off the boat (what might that be, for a skipper on a private boat?) the guy would have told you straight out.<P>You know what you know. I would be concerned about health issues (STD's) more than the marriage. If you become ill as a result of his fooling around, what happens to you?<P> <P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

Hi Trisha,<P>TRUTH or LIE RULE, thats what my counselor recommend and it worked.<P>My H and I went to a joint counseling session and our counselor told us that because the lies are hurting me so bad, that my H needs to stop lieing. H said he couldn't because the truth would hurt me more than the lies.<P>So counselor said that we needed to do this:<P>Everytime I suspected a lie (backed up with compelling evidence but unprovable) I was to say to him "Truth or Lie" and H was to respond with either. Then we were to end the conversation.<P>Well the very next night H was going out and I knew he was lieing about where he was going, so I asked Truth or Lie, he said "Truth", he left. 10 mins later he called me on his cell phone and said "I'm lieing, I'm going somewhere other than where I told you". I thanked him for being honest and we hung up. It was very weird how it worked.<P>Now, we did end up separating because the A had already taken it's toll by that time, but it did work. <P>Just an idea.<P>God Bless and take care of yourself, Hon.<P>Jo<P><BR>

I like that Jo--<P>My H doesn't talk of anything yet. It is still the lie by obstention. "No news is bad news," or "truth or consequences."<P>I would like the truth and the info, painful or not.<P>If lying is the issue, I love the new game!!<P>Good luck, Trish

Dear Trisha<P>I believe that the A has to come out in the open. "Personal" has asked about 'snooper techniques' to get evidence. You may want to try that in the event you need evidence.<P>Since you want to work on the marriage, you have to continue with your Plan A (I remember refering you to some Plan A resident experts because I am not the Plan A type) but yet cannot live in "denial" so you have to let your H know that you know and that you are willing to work on the marriage.<P>I would suggest framing and reframing pictures of our marriage, your courtship days, etc., and going through together the happy mementos you have of your marriage. Making yourself irresistible and simple being radiant will help him recall how he first fell in love with you.<P>As I read the posts here, I gather that affairs can be very intriguing when it is a secret; unfortunately sneaky people enjoy the forbidden and illicitness of the whole thing. If it is out in the open, the affair is less 'magical' because now the issues of the marriage, the wife knowing, and consequences have to be weighed and dealt with. The STRESS will begin to show in the affair and the WS and OW will need to talk REAL stuff, not just all the 'romantic' bull****. <P>The OW may begin to put the pressure on him and things will come to a head sooner than later. In my view, if you leave the affair in the dark, the 'magical' bond will have time to deepen, whereas if it is exposed, the time of bonding would have lessened.<P>However, you may have to brace yourself that he may still want to continue in secret or in the open with OW. Plan A helps him to see that he can expect coming back to you as a good option as well.<P>Sit him down or write him a note for him to take on board the ship and give him a photo of both of you (let him suffer some guilt pangs).<P>God bless you<BR>take care<BR>weep