My wife still lives with me....moving in Nov. I'm plan A ing as best as I can. She is going away with OM this weekend, against my wishes. She never spends time with the kids when she has a choice. I found out tonight that she is reverting her email name to her maiden name in November. To me that is significant. I suspect she'll start using her maiden name then. She lies continuously to me, and periodically says she's confused. However, is the writing on the wall? Could this still be the fog, or does this seem like it is too late. I feel like throwing in the towel...I can't take lying anymore, and if I reveal how I know so much, I lose my trump card. Please let me know what you think. Anyone made it through even after someone seems to be ready to change their name?<P>Thank you for your help. I'm feeling quite low now.

Sorry, another thing from me. She always swore (since our "virtual separation" few months ago), that she'd never bring another man around them till something was serious, and at least one year. I've had to travel on business twice over the last few weeks, and both times she took the kids somewhere with OM. I'm so upset at this. My 4 year old told me this, and she denied it the first time. What the heck do I do now?

It is time that you make plans for<BR>your future Rick. There is not much<BR>more you can do. Why would you want<BR>to stay with such a liar. You deserve<BR>much better. Do not torture yourself <BR>anymore. She has complete disrespect<BR>for you. See an attorney and plan a<BR>future for you and your children. Good<BR>luck.

I am so sorry that this sounds very difficult. I am not the resident Plan A/B expert. <P>It seems that she wants the OM to get to know the children and see how they adapt before moving out to the apartment on her own? You need to keep evidence of the situation so that should you want custody of the children, you can fight for that.<P>You may need to 'bribe' your children more at this time to win them over such as movies, trips, eating at their favourite, bringing them to see their favourite little friends at aunty, the zoo, etc. But do not spoil them. I feel that your wife and the OM will try their darnest to treat the children well.<P>You need to have God on your side. <P>Take care<BR>weep

Rick,<P>I had to reply...<P>Your story is following what happened to me too the letter!<P>Her plans to move out... ~4 months past D-day...<BR>Her going away with OM... time and time again...<BR>Her never spending time with the kids when she has a choice...<BR>Change of e-mail... my W change her's to "dareme99@...."<BR>Lies... confusion...<BR>Bringing OM over my house when I was on a business trip!!!!!<P>I know each affair is different...<BR>...but your situation has uncanny similarities...<P>Now the bad news...<BR>...my W has forced the divorce and we will most likely be divorced Oct. 10th.<P>I pray you don't head down that same route...<BR>...but I think you may want to check with MB counseling and consider a Plan B... <P> <P>Jim

Thanks for the insight. <P>Jim, our situations are very similar.<P>Does anyone think there is any point in Plan A continuing. I have to live with her for 6 more weeks. Ideally, I'd like her to have something good to remember when she leaves, because odds are this thing with OM won't last forever. Her whole life is built around lies now.<P>Does anyone think I should let her know exactly how much I know. That would reveal my investigative techniques. But right now, she doesn't think I have any real proof of her activities, so continues to lie.

Rick...<P>Yes...<BR>I'd say break it to her...<P>If in anyway you can hide your sources...<BR>...indicate a PI involvement...<BR>...(i.e. yes we on MB do give the same ideas that a PI would offer... )<P>And then give her the shock...<BR>..<B>you're staying in Plan A</B>!!!<BR>(of course don't call it "Plan A")<P>Let her know you love her...<BR>...wish to meet her ENs....<BR>...will elimiate more of the LBs (if any)...<BR>...you're working in you to be a better spouse...<BR>...want to save your marriage!<BR>... and that you don't want her to go!<P><B>No reference to Plan B... Please!!!</B><P>Rick...<BR>...she doesn't even know it's D-day!!!<P> <P>Jim

Jim,<P>Do you think I should just let this trip this weekend happen and keep quiet? My resistance to it may be somewhat of an LB, because I definitely let her know that I totally disagree... can't afford it, she always chooses friends (ie. OM) over kids, etc. She's going anyway. Apparently it is "all free"...gas, hotel, food, entertainment...must be a great shopper.<P>Do I let it happen? Do you think, from your experience on here, that it is possible for her to eventually get over this OM and want to come back, given how she seems to be quite into this now? I know that is a silly question, because people have lived with someone and come back, but I just want to hear something from someone with more experience on this site and this stuff.<P>Thanks again for your continued support.

There is nothing you can really do to stop her from going...<BR>...nature of life. <P>But you can be open with her an let her know your feelings.<P>Spend your time working on you!<P>It wouldnt hurt to start drafting a Plan B letter... and talking once or twice with Steve Harley!<P>During the weekend...<BR>...spend the best time you can with your kids.<P> <P>Jim

Hi Rick:<P>What are you planning to use that "trump" card for anyway. It won't stop her from going if she wants to, knowing that you know more then she thought you did. Is the OP a secret you're not suppose to know about? Well, that will not be the case for long.<BR>Just be honest with her, tell her that you know what you know, don't argue with her about whether its true or not. Don't be a victim anymore...get everything out in the open...clear the air. <P>It's acknowledged that confusing young children by introducing them to OP is ill advised until the relationship is stabalized, your wife apparently has already committed herself to bringing her OP into her children's life. Not much you can do.<BR>Even the courts won't help you here unless there is a danger to the children. <P>You know part of all of this is the "belief"....the belief in the fantasy...the belief in the wonderfulness of OP...the belief that this is the only road to true happiness. And it's hard to counter that belief because its so strong. But it has to be strong and it has to be maintained at all costs. It's almost so strong that the BS can get caught up in it and believe it too.<P>That's why its important that you come here and get the other side reinforced for you. You must believe just as strongly, if not more, that you and she can rebuild your marriage. For a while you may have to be the only one that is willing to believe.<P>Your wife is lost in the affair...right now you can't reach her...you have to keep Plan A'ing her and wait for a crack in the belief.<BR>That crack will begin to allow your good efforts to filter in...a tiny bit at a time, of course, but they will get in. <P>I'm going against MB when I say that if the WS is not willing to give up OP, then separation is good thing if it puts the WS and OP together so that reality can raise it's ugly head between them (there's your crack). You can still sit back and Plan A, making yourself a welcoming place to come to when things don't work out. <P>Let time and realtiy do some of your work for you and don't give up hope.<P>Buffy<BR> <p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited September 15, 2000).]

Rick:<P>I'm a WS myself, and new to this stuff. So I'm not sure of all the lingo, or whether what I would say would comport with the party line here. Also, I don't know your whole story. <P>But it sounds like you know (through surreptitious means) that your wife is having an EA or PA with the OM, that she's spending all her time with him, etc., but that she doesn't know that you know this. I'd put all your cards on the table at this point. There's really no benefit to be gained from keeping the extent of your knowledge secret. Whatever you've done to find out what you found out isn't nearly as bad as what she's been doing in lying to you the whole time. Make sense? And I'd fight the trip to see OM -- just tell her what you know, that you don't want her to go, etc. Good luck.

If it wasn't for this site, I'd have blown it by LBing many times, I'm sure. Thank goodness you are all here to help. She was snapping at me tonight (I had to work late, so she was late to meet OM - of course she said she had a work appointment). I stayed cool, mainly because of the advice on here. Later she became much friendlier. Doesn't change much, but I know that not LBing at these times is good (I think).

Rick - I do not understand this game you<BR>are playing. You simply are enabling her<BR>to continue her affair without consequences.<BR>Be honest with her and tell her you know<BR>the truth and you thought that she was a better<BR>person than this. You need her to face<BR>the truth of the sitation and the consequences. You are allowing her to stay<BR>in fantasyland. It time for her to enter<BR>realityland. You need to confront her and<BR>stop fearing that you are LBing. The more<BR>you allow her to lie, the more lying will<BR>become second nature to her. You are <BR>actually hurting her by doing this. Good luck