I haven't posted much recently and many of you might know me by how thick I may have been. But right now I need some support and have no place else to turn. My H is continuing his affair and seeing the OW the nights that he stays out all night. Well last night he went to the local bar with the guys and even though he said he was coming home he didn't and is still not home. I am sure again he was with the OW.<P>I feel so used and degraded. He continually comes and goes from the house like it is ok and there isn't much I can do about it. I have told him that if he wants to continue seeing her then he needs to leave the house because he is only causing me horrible emotional trauma. In one breath he agrees and the next he is still coming and going.<P>I have wanted so much to save my marriage but right now all I feel is anger and bordering rage. How can another human being be so mean and callous. Most men would have left for the OW by now so why is he staying. So he can have the cake and eat it too. <P>Part of me sits her waiting for him to come home to tell him how much he hurts me when he is out all night. And the other part of me wants to throw all his clothes in the front yard, lock the new deadbolts he doesn't have a key to and leave. I actually caught the two of them together Labor day so their little lies don't work anymore not that I believed them anyway. Seeing it is in the open I wish he would leave maybe then he would see what type of person this OW is. She is cold, mean, and calculating. She left her bra in his truck so that I could find it now tell me that wasn't to get at me.<P>Why would anyone want to be with a person that could treat another so awful? Isn't it bad enough that they are having an affair but lets just rub it in the wifes nose and make her feel even worse. <P>I hate them for the pain they have caused me and I guess I am just here to vent or rant or whatever. I feel so alone. I work all week and each weekend my H pulls this all night out crap. Last weekend he was only home for two showers and two hours total. What a marriage. I think it sucks. And right now life sucks too. While they spend their time together in the lovers fantasy land I am home by myself keeping the home fires burning.

bc,<BR>I wish I could give you the solution to your delemma but unfortunately, I can't.<BR>However, I wanted you to know that I feel your pain.<BR>I thought rebuiding the marriage meant no contact with the ow? I don't know your full story and it sounds like Plan A is not working for you. Maybe you SHOULD throw his stuff out the door. Perhaps if he realizes you are serious and he really is going to lose you, he will wake up. I am the last one to give advice but maybe others will have a better solution for you.<BR>In the meantime, my thoughts and prayers are with you and remember to take care of yourself.<BR>Peace and love,<BR>Ronnie

I don't have the solution either, but I want you to know that you are not alone. My wife is away with OM as we speak for a nice weekend alone....and it makes me sick. She lied to me about what was happening, but I've done enough homework to know.<P>Sounds like you need to make some more rules, and perhaps the deadbolt idea isn't so bad. However, I'm fairly new at this, so I'm probably not the best for advice right now.<P>If you have no kids it is easier to make a drastic move like the deadbolts. I wish you strength and know that we all understand.

bc,<BR>I'm very sorry that your H is giving you all these crap. It must be really hard for you to live with him in the same house.<BR>When he's sober is it possible for you to tell him to move out? Or can you move out? It's very unhealthy for you to deal with this kind of things. I know you've been suffering for a while now and even if he lost his job he hasn't come to his senses yet. I guess he hasn't hit the rock bottom yet.. I don't know what else does he need to see the reality.<P>I am so sorry. I hope someone with better ideas will respond you soon.<P>Hugs,<P>Meg<BR>

{{{{bc}}}}:<P>I'm so sorry for your pain. Hang in there.<P>May I suggest that you make sure you do something for you instead of just staying home. Go for a walk; go to a bookstore; go to church...anything. Take care of yourself.<P>You may want to think about Plan B. It is something to consider before you lose all love for your husband, and his actions may be leaving your Love Bank completely empty.<P>Hold on tight and hang in there. --HBC

Plan B may be in order?

Thanks so much for the words of support. I need it right now. We don't have any kids so I don't have to worry about anyone but myself. I don't know if that is good or bad. <P>He did lose his job because of the ow and the drinking. But now he has a friend that is doing him a favor and pulled some strings to get him a new job. And he will be making almost twice as much as before. Isn't that great. All these years that I have pinched and saved and now he gets the new job with all the extra money and it will get spent on the OW. That just makes me so angry. While he has not been working I have been making sure most of the bills were paid and he had the nerve to say last night that he doesn't like it when the bills aren't paid on time. But it didn't matter that when I found $400 in his pants pocket and I asked where it came from he told me I was a snoop and I never saw a penney. <P>I guess I shouldn't be worried about this new job. If he makes more he will only spend more. If he has a drinking problem it will eventually catch up to him again. This is a year round job where before he worked construction that was seasonal. So I wonder how long he will last being to work every day and still be able to see the OW nights.<P>I really wish he would move out and be with her. I think that reality would hit sooooooo quick his head would be spinning. She is so nice and strokes his ego but I bet ya if she started asking where he was or why was he out at the bar without her or ask him for money to pay the bills it wouldn't be so fun anymore.

Obviously your H just does not get it yet! He is like a child that you have threatened once too often and does not believe that you would leave. You need to set up boundaries and if he insists on making you crazy then you have to find enough self-love to tell him he is out. <P>I know it is not always that easy. You have to weigh in your heart, would I be better with him here making me crazy or would I be better with him out THERE with the OW and maybe not having much contact at all...<P>I guess I would tell him the truth. That his going out and staying out all night is making you want to jump off a cliff. Tell him that if he cannot be considerate and come home, then the next time it happens he will find clothes out on the doorstoop and the door firmly locked. I am finding (with my kids)that when the threats stop and action is taken they learn much quicker. <P>If indeed you take this step and he decides he wants back in - tell him you will meet with him to go over some ground rules and he can come back only when you agree on how you are going to live...<P>I am sorry you are in such turmoil. Work on letting the pain go for you...once you stop hating them, your life will start coming back together...I will pray for you and your H.

Dear bc<P>If you believe in God, please read my reply to cjack. God is real and He is a healer.<P>Let Jesus make you whole again, ok?<P>Love<BR>weep

delete<p>[This message has been edited by Trapped Mom (edited March 20, 2001).]