I posted on the Recovery place and it was suggested that I try over here. My H had an affair and promised to stop so we could work on the marriage. I was working hard, and he was playing hard I found out after he got hurt at work and almost died. He fell over 4 stories and when he came off life support he confessed to still seeing her. I gave her the opportunity to come to the hospital and help for a day but when she heard that it included cleaning up after him when he "messed" if the nurses were busy she hung up. He was in the hospital for weeks and has been home a few weeks. There was no contact as promised until 2 weeks ago. I found that out the other night when I threatened to call while having a mental moment. Then I asked if we were going to make a fresh start and make the marriage work that he tell me if I needed to know anything as finding out later would just make it unbearable. He had been cheating for the past 4 years (we have been married 8 and are both 30) with "exotic dancers", strippers, "massages", swingers, one night stands - a girl he met in the burger king parking lot even. You name it he did it. He did this while I was pregnant with our little one (boy 7, girl 2 1/2) and on bedrest, when the baby was breastfeeding (which put us both at risk for HIV) and just all the time it seems. He has promised now to write the no contact letter to the OW and to never put himself in the position of cheating again. I don't know if I believe him. I am so hurt and sad and heartbroken, to the point of throwing up all day today. I have arranged for us to go to marriage counseling starting next week, and have started reading Surviving an Affair. This weekend we are going to do the needs questionare because mom is taking the kids. I don't know if he needs to go to the sex addicts group or what. I like my marriage - or what I thought I had. I stay home with the kids and think I am pretty nice. It hurts because I am a little overweight and I know all these women he has been with are not. I have based my whole adult life on creating this family, but now even though I want to make it work I don't know if I can ever trust him again. I thought I knew where he was every second of the day before, I thought he loved me and adored me, I thought wrong I think. I have always been fun in the bedroom I think - I read the books and do romantic things, I am emotionally available to him and have tried so hard. I just don't know what to do now. I am so broken. Elizabeth

Elizabeth...I am sorry you are in so much pain. I am glad that your H has agreed to go to counseling and fill out the questionaires.<P>I read your other post and know this must be so hard on you, taking care of him and knowing he has still been in contact. From your posts, I would be willing to guess your H is addicted to sex. If this is the case, counseling will help...he will also experience massive withdrawal symptoms as in all other addictions. Women are his drug of choice. He may have even felt he was doing you a favor when you were on bedrest. <P>Once you fill out the questionaires, you will further understand how you both got to where you are. I will pray that he is open and honest and that there will be revelation in the answers. If at all possible, take some time while the kids are away to just relax with each other and maybe even snuggle...I know the hurt is massive, but a moment of positive energy and warmth will help melt away the some of the resentment to see more clearly what you are dealing with...<P>Focus on each other - I look forward to hearing how it went.

Welcome <B>justthewife</B>...<BR>...to the 'infidelity' side of the forums...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A>.<P>You've learned a lot already...<BR>...but the Welcome post still has lots of good links for you too!<P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Do start on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>...and check the "mechanincs" in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>After you fill out the questionnaires...I would recommend that you have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$95US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<P>As far as your H is concerned...<BR>...some "sexual addiction" therapy is most definitely in order!<P>Once the "no contact" letter is sent...<BR>...and MB(preferrably) counseling is started...<BR>Get the counselor to help you setup...<BR>Extraordinary precautions... to be taken to guarantee separation...<BR><OL TYPE=1> <BR><LI> Changing jobs and relocating (Situation dependent)<BR><LI> Blocking all communication (phone, e-mail, pager, etc.)<BR><LI> Accounting for time<BR><LI> Accounting for money<BR><LI> Spending leisure time together<BR></OL><P>Praying... <P>Jim

hello just, i read your note lst eve. NOt pretty at all. Your h does not seem to understand the poja at all. Maybe you could tape it around the house so he can be reminded?

Getting ready to leave for the weekend, just thought I would say thanks for all the info. He is going to go to a SA meeting on Thursday, so that is good. He answered yes to 10 of their 12 questions - you might be a sex addict if kind of thing. Lovely. I am taking a deep breath and trying not to bite him or tell him just how gross I think this whole thing is. I added me to the roll call, and although it is so sad to read all of these postings - it is really nice to know that I am not the only one who this has happened to. The extroardinary precautions are actually pretty easy for us right now, he is never going back to the job site where he was hurt (it is in Utah we are in WI) and that is where the OW is. I have called the OW and had a lovely conversation with her (gag) and asked if she wouldn't mind letting me know if he contacted her again and she agreed. He lied to her so much that we are kind of in the same boat. She seems to understand that it would never work for them, and she really is turned off by the fact that he is such a big fat liar. The no contact letter will be sent, and the credit cards and money are all in my hands because he can't do that now. The voice mail password is private to me now, and mail is in the mailbox till I get it out. As for leisure time together, we spend 24 & 7 right now - I even am at all of his doctor and therapy appointments. As far as sex with us, I don't see it happening anytime soon from the way I feel. Is that a bad thing? Should I be receptive or can I do this in my own time? Elizabeth

It's a beginning! I know it seems GROSS, but try to remember that he is an addict and all addicts are sick...maybe that will help you.<P>As for sex or anything else, do not do anything that is uncomfortable for you. Try to fill his needs to the best of your ability without hurting yourself...

Hi JTW,<P>Please read my reply to cjack.<P>The soulish ties bind your H to his other women. In the bible, God states that if a man were to sleep with a prostitute, they become one flesh. <P>This means that if the prostitute has spirits of lust (of course because of her job and the kinds of men she sleeps with), she will pass them to your H and to you (when you sleep with h). I am not frightening you but there are other spirits such as anger, rejection, etc.. You may speak to a pastor and also to read the books.<P>Pray for answers.

OK, plan A has been negociated, agreed to and written down. No contact letter is signed, sealed, and delivered (mailed by me because she moved and neither one of us (OW & I) want him to have her new address. We talked all weekend, hours and hours and hours. I now know every last detail, I hope, and the things that led to the A. Of course some were quite a suprize, I guess I wasn't as interesting in the bedroom as I thought I was, but his feelings are valid and I will try and change a few things that way. We did the Emo Needs ?'s, and some of those were suprizing too. But talk talk talk and talk some more. We went over the POJA, and decided what things counted (calling the OW, going to a strip club) and what things didn't (ham or turkey for lunch, shower or bath). I wanted to make sure all of that was COMPLETELY clear, so neither of us could say "but I didn't think that would count". Counseling starts this week, and we are going to see our pastor too. His SAA meeting is Thursday, and so I think we are pretty much on the right track for now. I hope. <BR>Elizabeth

Elizabeth - I'm sorry you had to join the club. But you are doing GREAT if you got him to go to the SA meeting - they can help him as long as he's willing.<P>My H did the same thing while I was pregnant and nursing. I could strangle him when I think about it (of course he thought that he was invincible since he's slept with over 100 women and has not ever contracted an STD) But it's like everybody has said, an addict is a sick, sick puppy. He's treating it, that's great. The only warning that I want to give you is that while it's understandable to be leery after everything you've been through, don't shut him out if he really is making an effort to change. Try to leave the past in the past (and when you figure out how, let me know ) Good luck.<P>Ali

SA meeting for him tomorow. He is being sooo super nice. He is paying close attention to the emot. needs and I even caught him with a cheat sheet - at least this time it was a cheat sheet with what I need on it, not phone #'s of OW!!!! I am trying to be open, and we are really getting along well, but every few hours I wonder if this is just for show or how long it will hold up.

justthewife,<P>Relax, hon. I read your thread in Recovery a few days ago and have been thinking.<P>Maybe a close call with death is exactly what your h needed. To learn we have been betrayed by the one we loved has been a real wake-up call for most of us BS.<P>I've read some about people who changed their lives after a brush with death, and was surprised to find my emotions after d-day were VERY similar.<P>I have reexamined every aspect of my life and what is important to me over the last 10 months since d-day. I have realized that my desire to give so much to my family coupled with my low self-image made it easy for him to neglect me and his kids for years, then live a double life with two OWs for 18 months.<P>It is very possible that he has needed to rethink his life. That is good! For some reason, my h wanted to come back and live as if nothing happened. Getting him to start changing was worse than pulling teeth!<P>And you are changing. As you practice the POJA negotiation, you gain confidence in YOUR ability to gain his cooperation.<P>And hours and hours of talking is GREAT! That was the foundation of our new relationship which is going incredibly well.<P>Do you have the book SAA? Sorry, can't remember if you mentioned it. The process of arriving at POJA it describes is extremely important: listening to each point of view and summarizing it back to show you've heard. It's awkward at first.<P>We counselled with Jennifer Harley, co-author of the book through the site's phone counselling. It was well worth it. She took us step by step through this process. She had us practice the steps of POJA with the unimportant decisions like going to the grocery store and deciding what brands to buy.<P>Make sure you get enough help. Is he well enough to start planning some "fun" time? It can't all be serious talks. We made that mistake and got stuck in our recovery at one point. You could both use a vacation when he's better!

Our 8th anniversary is in November and we are hoping to be able to at least go an hour or two away to stay in a hotel for the weekend. I got SAA and LB and 4Gifts. We are working on the POJA, we are both trying so hard to please each other that it is almost funny. But I think that it probably should have been that way all along. We have always had little quarrels and spats, LBing was a part of our daily life. The funniest part (or is it ironic) of all of this now is that we both agree that if we didn't have all of the A stuff in the background the past few days is the best we have gotten along in years. Ain't that a hoot and a half! He went to his first sex addicts meeting today, I dropped him off and picked him up, and he came out with a smile on his face. He said he didn't want to talk about alot of it, which I respect, but he told me a few things he learned and realized. He got a couple of the guys numbers, and is looking forward to next week. He said they all told him that most of the people that are SA lose their wives/husbands, and reminded him how lucky that he is That made me feel GOOD. He wants me to see if there is another group around because he wants to go to more than one meeting a week. <BR>Elizabeth the empowered.