Wassi, I am starting to feel that overwhelming feeling again. Life is getting easier this year but you know how the anniversaries are!<BR>I haven't written lately because I am attempting to keep myself so busy that I don't pay much attention to it. <BR>How are you doing with this, do you have any advice to give<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

Hey girl!<BR>You are busy!<BR>I just checked my e-mail and there was an angel there. <BR>I love angels. <P>You're having trouble with those anniversaries? <BR>I had a real bad one the other day. H brought the books home from the accountant. The books with the entire record of the affair. I didn't even think of it till I saw the box. Booooom!! I have a permanent picture of every page burned in my memory. <BR>Just a little tired from worrying about everything and I wasn't prepared.<P>Time to plan a party for our big 40? Maybe that will keep us busy? <P>No advice my friend. I have tried everything but I'm just so overwhelmed right now. Mostly I just try to lose track of what day it is. If I don't know what day it is (or what month for that matter) I can't remember what happened.<P>Is your H helping? Or are you keeping this to yourself?<BR>

I don't think he understands what it means to me...that I haven't completely lost that fear yet......maybe we could get together for the big 40, he he hehe!<BR>I am planning on a trip up to Niagara on the Lake, just to get out of here and stop thinking about it! It was a healing trip the last time we went and it would be a real treat for us......what do you think? <BR><P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

A trip!<BR>Sounds great.<BR>I may be donating bone marrow though. Find out in about a month if I'm a match.<P>The fear! Yes girl I know about the fear. Will talk about that tomorrow. H knows about my fear. He understands, I think, that it is a result of too many lies for too many years. No closure. <BR>What we do? I don't know. <P>Can you talk to your H about the fear without LBing? We have to share our feelings you know. We are human. If we can't talk about feelings what is the point of being married?<P>I will check in early in the AM. Grand central station is calling. <P>Have a good one! You're going to be okay you know. It WILL fade. <BR>

Wassi~<BR>The thing is that he does see it as lbing whenever I even let him know that that time is on my mind. He believes it is over and we should just go on, but I can't completely let go of it. I think I fear that if I let go of it that I will become lax again and he will wander again. Or that we will quit working on us and I know that working on us should be an on-going thing......I just can't let this fear overwhelm me. <BR>Did I tell you we saw her again? <BR>She came to my neice's birthday party again this year. It aches to not know until that morning that I had to face her again, no prep time at all. And it was just like opening old wounds again. I asked him what he thought of her now and he said she was a big mistake that he should have never made. I just wish he had said something along the line of "She was UGLY< WHat was I thinking about, or How I hate her now" Instead of just "she was a mistake". See how I set myself up for failure? <BR>I need to let go of this junk but this time of the year is always the hardest, and I think you understand exactly what I mean! Talk to you tomorrow hopefully!<BR>Bren<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

Bren<BR>I'm so sorry that you had to see her. I do understand. Of course those things will haunt you. <BR>I also understand your wish that he would say something more negative. I guess that part of us wants them to make up for all the times they defended them.<BR>Samantha and I have a theory on that. If they say negative things about the OW it makes them feel even worse about what they did. In their minds, if the OW really is trash....well that makes them pretty low.<BR>Don't forget that they are struggling with their self esteem too. They aren't proud of what they did. That's why your H wants to just leave it in the past. I know you know all this. Just a refresher course. <P>We all set ourselves up wanting to hear things. Gosh I think that I have scared my h into silence because he is afraid to say the wrong thing. That isn't good. <BR>Have you ever told H certain things you'd like to hear? Does he understand that you need to hear some little negative things about her? Could you explain why?<BR>It's not dwelling on the affair for you now...it's trying to dig through the wreckage. <P>Now the fear is in you. It sounds like you have recognized it for what it is. Not really a fear of him going back to the OW but a fear that things will be the way they were if you forget the past. Recognizing what the fear is...that's important.<P>Time to try a few new tactics? Every time that fear pops up, force yourself to take a good look at how far you've come. <BR>Now you didn't make that progress because of the affair. You made that progress because of the work you did. Concentrate on how much Bren has accomplished. Change those images.<P>I do understand Bren. Remember the councelor from Pluto? He even said to me that once H stopped feeling guitly, he would go back to his old ways. Stupid councelor never even met my H. I decided that instead of listening to him I would prove him wrong. But it does still bother me to think about what he said.<P>

Wassi~<BR>You so know my state of mind right now. Did I tell you the new female partner is the same build and the same personality type as OW? It just makes life a little harder right now, but I'll get over it. I so want some time off to spend alone with him without worrying about Housework, school work, office work and kids. Don't think I'm going to get it any time soon though, another need being pushed to the back burner......Guess I should express myself more often, huh? <BR>I know these things and you know it, it just starts to overwhelm me sometimes, not all the time. At least things aren't as bad as they were last year, right? <BR>Seriously, I need some romance alone with him right now, just wish I could get him away from the Olympics long enough to understand this! <P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

hi bren,<BR>the anniversary's are very hard, but they get easier with each passing one. With me there were so many that I had to make the decision to not relate the date NOW with THEN. We are two different people now, on a totally different path. <BR>Can you try to look at it that way? The past is for learning....and it is not always a good experience. But we are learning, and hopefully always will be. Means we are intelligent thinking beings, with good hearts my dear! <BR>Try not to worry abt the new partner too much. Your h admits to making a mistake. I hear that as being a pretty all-encompassing statement, and includes ugly or slutty or whatever other nice descriptive word we need to add in to increase our coping and marriage building skills. It also means he recognizes his weakness and that new partner is off limits for anything other than strictly work.<BR>Would he feel you respected him if you gave him a bit of trust in the co-worker area? <BR>Ahhh, that good ole trust issue rears it's ugly head again? Remember a long time ago when I wrote abt giving the wayward spouse the trust? We had some rather heated debates over earning and giving?! I voted for just giving the ws the trust and moving forward-figuring that if my h could not handle the temptation now, he never will be able to, and I would rather just get it all out on the table while the pain is still fresh! <BR>Maybe soemthing to consider so there is less stress for you. Make it his choice and his responsibility to the continuation of your marriage? <BR>BTW, I know I butted right in!!

Bren<BR>Cuddle up beside him and watch the Olympics. <P>Yes I do understand but you know what? You are probably the only one that notices the resemblance to the OW. Am I right?<P>You gotta make the time girl. I know how busy you are. School, new baby...don't lose track of you and H.<P>And do listen to cl. She is one of the main reasons I still have a tiny bit of sanity.<P>Tough news on this end today girls. My older brother and I got tested for a bone marrow match for our baby brother. Neither of us is a match. <BR>

CL & Wassi~<BR>Geez, I was one of those that voted for the automatic trust just as much as you, and I've given it over and over, just isn't as easy as it was this summer, mainly because I wasn't thinking about the nasty affair. Life is GOOD with him. He's done some great stuff, and he's proven over and over again that he is dedicated to this......just me wanting to loose that fear and not being able to let go just yet.....Silly me!<BR>I let him read my post last night and your answers Wassi. He said you were right, that he still is suffering from some damage to his self esteem. I didn't realize it, I thought he was like on this masculine power trip, he had women fighting over him! God, I need to loose some of these old fashioned roles about the strutting rooster in the hen house! <BR>Anyhow, after that we had a long talk and he seems to be more understanding of this time of the year.....<BR>Wassi, I wish I could donate my bone marrow to your brother, but do they take American marrow across the boarder? In my neck of the woods they run bone marrow drives and people come in to be tested and see if they are candidates, could that be done in Canada? Also, contact the local LIONS club, I'm a member, they do great work with people who need medical assistance.....I have a friend who has this genetic disease and she needed both lungs and her heart transplanted. (not at the same time, but alot of medical attention!) My Lions club paid for all her long distance trips and gave her a "purse" for those emergency expenditures. Seriously, you never know how they can help!<BR>I will continue to keep you in my prayers.....Thanks for listening! Bren<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

Bren<BR>I'm glad it helped to have your H read this thread. You had me worried for a minute. i'm always afraid my friends' H will think I'm absolutely insane and tell them to stay away from me. <BR>My son told me tonight I'm only 3/4 insane.<P>The bone marrow donation can come from any country I'm sure. The test is a simple blood test. My brother suggested we all put out names on the list. <BR>I was checking out some info at <A HREF="http://www.bloodservices.ca" TARGET=_blank>http://www.bloodservices.ca</A> <BR>It is very interesting stuff. I will be contacting them to see about getting my name on the list since the bloodwork has been done.<P>Thanks for your prayers my friend. And for caring. I think this will take me a few days to digest. The emotional reserves just aren't there ya know. <P>

Wassi - Sorry to intrude on you and Bren's conversation....Hi Bren!!!...but I tried to post this to you last night when I was on a roll and the darn board went on the maintenance mode just when I hit submit apparently!!<P>I am so sorry that you and your brother weren't matches for your other brother. How terribly disappointing......<P>I will continue to keep him and the whole family in my prayers. Keep strong Wassi, I know, easy to say......<P>We're here for you...<P>BIG HUGS and love,<P>Sheba

Sheba<BR>You're not intruding. You know better than that silly. If this were a private conversation we wouldn't be doing it in a public forum. <P>Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.<BR>My parents were tested yesterday. It was just one of those punches in the stomach to get the no-match news. <BR>Gee...maybe I'll get good at this eventually.<P>I called the registry today and got the info for going on the world wide list. Maybe some good will come out of this. <P>I have been thinking of you and promise to e-mail you when I get myself back together.<BR>Take care my friend.<P>Bren...sorry for changing the subject of this post. Hope you are still making progress at home.

Another one jumping in <P>Wassi--I'm so sorry about the no match. It must be so frightening to be unable to help.<P>Bren--I had a talk about anniversary dates with my counselor and I think he gave me good advice, certainly it has made a difference for me. With 2 years of bad times, 7 separations, ghastly holidays, etc., I was triggering all last year. My counselor said it is mainly a matter of unforgiveness. As those bad things/dates/images come to mind consciously forgive them, then if they come back, you just shuttle them right back to God.<P>The past doesn't change, nor can you undo it. The pain was bad enough the first time that you don't need to rehash it!<P>The counselor also said that as I reminded Guard of his bad behavior "Honey, I'm down today because last year on this day you ________" I reminded him mainly of his failures--which would not endear me to him (oooh, a LB).<P>Anyway, last spring as I was thinking about this advice, Guard said to me, "I wish you would stop saying I left you 7 times. It wasn't that many times." I reeled off the dates, amount of time he was gone, and next date of departure. And truthfully, he's left me more than that, but I don't count single nights and a couple times it was so in-and-out that I've combined *some* into #4. Anyway, at the end of my recital, Guard looked horrorstricken, he said, "you'll never really forgive me, will you?" I realized what the counselor had been trying to tell me.<P>Throwing Guard's past bad behavior in his face was keeping ME from healing, but also painting a very black future for Guard.<P>The fear, anger, bitterness that was like a roiling sea within me is gone. There are moments I want to think some details through, but as soon as I'm aware (hopefully) that my emotions are going down...I let it go. My negative emotions are now more like a running stream--passing right on through.<P>I think this was/is harder to do when you are firmly strapped onto the rollar coaster and undergoing constant, new bad things, but as recovery progresses there comes a time maybe to reflect, but not to rip off the scabs or poke sticks into our healing wounds.<P>And, no matter how diligent or lax any of us are, it makes little difference to whether or not our spouses will stray again--it is and always has been up to them. We just do our part to be the kind of partner...soulmate (falling on floor gagging, but can't think of a better word)... that they need.<P>Okay, this is the second time through this--got kicked off the first time, so I'm sending NOW!<P>CL--great to see you signed on.<BR>Take care<BR><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).

Wassi, Lor, CL and Sheba~<BR>Thanks for all your support, I've grabbed hold of my boot straps and put myself to straights. I went to see this really great speaker speak the other day and it's helped tremendously. I told her that I was having some trouble with some of the pre-conceived role models I had in my head. How I was feeling some stuff about my h that was wrong and that I felt as though I wasn't filling my roles as his wife very well. She then proceeded to ask me some of the stuff I felt like I had failed in (housework, taking care of kids, laundry, doing ironing, stuff like that) she said it's a terrible shame and I asked her what she meant by that, she told me that it would be horrible on my husband, I asked her what she meant and she said "oh, Trying to make love to his mother and her generation!" She was wonderful! She really made the point and got my butt off the sorry hump I had put it on. I've been so busy ever since! <BR>Wassi I hope you got my e-mail. Don't worry about those minor things. Actually Chick has heard alot about you and thinks your really a neat person, so don't worry about those little things! <BR>Of course this is a public forum, anyone can change the subject, doesn't mean I won't change it myself! Imagine.....sleeping with his mother...........think about it! God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!