Hi! This is my first time posting a message on this board. I've been reading other posts for a while, and have appreciated and learned from some of the replies that have been given. I need some advice, and maybe to just vent a little.<BR>I have recently separated from my wife of 5 years. I've been out of the house since the first of May. We have 4 children between us, a 14 year old girl and 12 year old boy from her previous marriage that both live with us, a 14 year old girl from my previous marriage who lives with her mother about 300 miles from us, and my wife has a 22 year old son who was adopted out at birth. Our 14 year old girl has been tearing the family apart with her drug use, lying, stealing, runaways, and manipulation. My wife's first divorce was an ugly, ugly thing, and her ex is also a liar and manipulator. I've always thought that my wife has tried to make up to our kids for what a ****head their Dad has been by being too lenient with them, and they've never had to deal with the consequences of their actions. W has always wanted to deal with the children herself, and only wanted me to be involved with the "good" stuff. I was never assertive enough at the time, and didn't have the communication skills to get my point across to her, and to be able to talk to her without rearing up her defenses. She's been in denial about the problems, and now everything has come to a head. W had told me numerous times that she thought it would be easier for her to deal with the kids if I wasn't there. So I left, hoping that either things would be better for her, or she'd realize that my being there wasn't the problem. Since I left, the 14 year old has attempted suicide, stolen jewelry and other items from our house, has disapeared for 3 or 4 days at a time, and fires-up drugs. While I was still at home, we had her in a drug rehab program for 3 months, and she manipulated her way out of the system, and back to the house. My wife is no longer in denial, but the reality of it all has thrown her into periods of severe depression, where she is unable to deal with these events, and our separation. <BR>I've been seeing a counselor for the last 10 months. I started seeing him for a gambling addiction I developed to "escape my reality". He's been a Godsend to me, and has helped me to learn about myself and how I deal (or don't deal) with things. One thing that he's taught me is that with every heartache and sorrow that God let's you endure, He always gives to you a gift. Sometimes the gift isn't obvious, and it can take a while to find it. I've been using my time away to learn more about myself and improve my life skills by keeping a journal of what I'm going through inside of myself. I've been reading every book and internet article I can find on communication skills, co-dependecy, relationship skills, step-parenting, and depression and how to deal with depression in others. I'm learning a lot, and realize that I've still got a lot more to learn. This marriage builders site has been one of the best sources of useful info I've found, and has made me realize some of the things I didn't do right in the past that helped to create some of the problems we're facing. One of the biggest threads that runs through most of what I've read through all the books I've read is the absolute importance of recreational time together, away from family problems and other distractions. Unfortunately, with everything that's going on, this seems impossible at this time. My W feels that she has to deal with our daughter on her own, and between doing that and dealing with her depression, there's nothing left of her. The "co-dependent" side of me wants to take care of her problems for her, but the rational side of me knows that she needs to take care of it her own way. I offer and give her my help when I can, but there are certain choices she makes that I can't support without crossing my own personal boundaries. If I were to move back home right now, I wouldn't be able to stand by and let things happen the way they are going, and it would drive us farther apart.<BR>My wife and I still love each other. We've talked about selling the house, but neither one of us has mentioned getting a divorce. I was hoping that by now our daughter would either be straightend out, are she would be gone somewhere where she could get the help she needs, but that's not the case. I'm trying to support my wife and let her know as much as I can that I still love her. I am having a hard time maintaining the distance I need to keep to let her work some things out on her own without slowly falling out of love with her. I feel so much anger and frustration at times that I seriously think about filing the divorce papers so I can just get on with my life. Maybe things will work out for us in a few years. I also feel that this tough period of our lives is something that going through together will help to strengthen our marriage. I'm just not sure what to do, my thoughts can change from day to day, or hour to hour.<BR>Thanks for listening to me. I find that writing down some of my thoughts and feelings help to release some of the pain. I also find that sometimes friends will listen to you and tend to agree with you, where only your best friends will tell you it's time to get it together. I've rambled on enough for now. I'm a two-finger typer, and it seems like this has taken me forever. Time to get on with my life. Thanks again.<BR>

Magoo -<P>I don't really have any advice for you. . .you're in a very difficult spot, and I just wanted to let you know that I care. Definitely, I think some thought should be given to simplfying your lives. . .<P>In a lot of things that I have read, and I tend to agree, is that the relationhp between two spouses - well if that is good - it helps you to deal with other family problems. I think it's great that you have found support with a counselor and would continue to seek his advice. I just wanted to give you some words of encouragement. . .<P>I think God never gives us more than we can handle. . .I just pray that He gives you the strength, patience and endurance to get through this. . .

Thanks for your prayers, SKM, I appreciate it. <BR>I'm going to be OK through this, I'm more worried about my W. She's not doing very well through this. The hardest part for me is letting her work this out on her own. I almost feel like I'm abandoning her, but she wants to handle it herself.

Here's a suggestion for a strategy on how to tackle these things. Together write out a list of things you need to deal with. Prioritize the list. Work on each thing one at a time so that you are not overwhelmed. <P>For example:<BR>1. stronger relationship w/ wife- counseling<BR>2. set guidelines for co-parenting<BR>3. find some "together time"....<P>Pick the easiest thing first so that you have a sense of accomplishment and some mutual support and a sense of unity before tackling the harder stuff. If you can talk about the problems together, work on the solutions together and support each other through the journey, you will feel more bonded and more like a family.<P>Find a counselor who can help you both build skills of communication, confrontation, and cooperation. So much of what everyone argues over is due more to the sender not getting his point or feelings across and the receiver not being able to empathize. Once we let go of our own agendas and see each other as part of the same team (and act like we are part of the same team), life gets so much easier.<P>Good luck.

Magoo:<P>My biological father was very similar to how you described your W's ex. My mom and I always had the coolest relationship - we were best friends, and then my stepdad entered the picture when I was 13. By the time I reached 14, I was into pot, cocaine (my drug of choice), and had experimented with heroin. Noboby could say anything to deter me. If anybody, especially my stepdad, told me to open the left door, I would open the right. I basically bucked any kind of authority that I could. <P>What ended up happening was my mom & stepdad uprooted me out of the inner city, and to a rural community. I also was sent to rehab - and you could NOT manipulate your way out. When I turned 15, I was better. I had gone through the withdrawal, and the place that we moved to didn't offer the same type of trouble my old hometown did. I wasn't in contact with the same crowd (I was bitter, and my friends were my authority). <P>Your wife needs you - don't give up on her. And it's going to take extremely tough love to straighten out your stepdaughter - possibly even a relocation. She WILL have to do the rehab - and you need to find a center that will follow through with the process! You and your family are in my prayers tonight - I hope telling you my story has helped.

Thanks, Carolina, your story does help. I don't know how old you are, but I'm glad to know you lived through your drug use. We worry about D surviving to be 15 without overdosing or contracting HIV. <BR>It's hard for W to follow up on tough love 'cuz she went through many of the same problems when she was young, and has almost too much empathy. However, back then the drugs weren't as dirty and the streets weren't as dangerous.<BR>We can't get D back into rehab until she either gets busted or comes close to killing herself with the drugs. We are working on getting her into the Freer wilderness program, and searching for a residential after-care program.<BR>This is tearing W apart, 'cuz she knows it's what needs to be done, but she feels like a failure and betrayer.<BR>Thanks for your prayers.