Yes... I'm still obsessing. I understand what you said about being honest about the scope of the A. Problem is, I still feel hung up on wanting to know the datails. He has told me the scope, and I think I need the details to make the scope make sense. What did you find out the first time that you think interferred with you ability to heal?<P>Do I remember correctly that you gave Firestorm a list of questions that he answered? My H has suggested that I do this, thinking that it may be easier that way rather than waiting until it comes up in conversation. <P>Would you recommend not doing this? Did you find out more than you really wanted to know?<P>Also, I'm trying really hard not to read too much into his willingness to talk about it. I know that it must be really hard for him. And I know that a possible divorce is in the back of his mind and this would not be very beneficial in that case. He also has some concerns that I might confront OW or worse- tell her H. I told him that I could not promise him that I would not do that, but generally I think that my communication needs to be with him, not either of them. So, he is really trusting me with the info. that he has shared so far. I know he feels guilty and remorseful, but I am having a hard time coming up with the reasons that he is willing to do this now when it took him so long to even admit it.<P>What do you think? I am thinking way too much and it is sooooo past my bedtime!

Cloudy,<P>I hope you don't mind if I jump in on this conversation. I would like to ask you a question though, if I may. Exactly what information are you needing from your H? The how,where, when, with or without what?<P>My H has supplied some info. but I know he still has lots he hasn't told me, I don't think he ever will and I don't know, at this point, if I ever want to know. I really despise knowing he still has secrets, in his heart and mind, he can visit whenever he wants. <P>Sharing some info can be good, however sharing everything can be damaging. There is a very fine line in wanting to know things and wanting to know too much. `<P>I too was so obsessed with what they did, where they went, who they became friends with. Everything, I needed to know or so I thought. At first, his counselor told him not to tell me anything b/c it would do me harm. But, after alot of pressure from me he told me some things, and after we settled down, he began to tell me more, but only if I asked, and then he was very reluctant.<P>I know too many of the intimate aspects of their A. I still visualize them together, and it hurts like hell! Do you want to live with those images? I hope not. I wish now that I didn't know so much, besides I guess it really doesn't matter at this point. It happened, they did it, I can't change it, I hate it... so, life goes on. ( She liked to be on top!)Good for her! I wouldn't even consider that now!<P>You reach a point where you have to accept the fact that what they did and how and where they did it, is really not the issue. The real issue is your relationship with one another. How it suffered from whatever it suffered from and what you can and cannot do to make it work for the both of you. It's all about what you are willing to forgive.<P>I know you are so frustrated with needing to know, I was so OBSESSED!!! I was ill!!! But, you will get better with TIME, that good old word. All the pieces will fall in place and you will be better, this I know.<P>God bless you, I know this is difficult.<P>Cathy

I am not sure what I need from My H. First, let me say that this obsession thing is a little new. I think it only really started a couple of weeks age- most strongly when H told me he would tell me anything I wanted to know- that he felt that he owed me at least that.<P>I started out by telling him that if he needed to talk about anything, that I would be here for him. He too is struggling with how this could have happened, how he could have let it go this far,etc., but he think it's gone too far for him to stop.<P>Anyway, things that he said over the last several months... before I actually knew about the A are really coming back to bug me. For example, he said that music was more important to him than I would ever realize. Does that mean that that was something he shared with her? I think it does- how did they share that? Something about that is one of his ENs- but what? Can I meet that need?<P>Right before he admitted the A, he started talking about how great our sex life had always been and how much better it had been lately- physically. He said he didn't feel the same emotional connection he used to feel. The better part was the Plan A stuff. That was a need of his that I was not meeting. He made other little comments indicating that he was relly separating the emotional connection from the physical pleasure. OK- so I asked about that one. He said that their sex life was not very good physically, but emotionally satisfying. He went on to say that he couldn't get it up several times with her (please excuse the vulgarity). We have been together for 15 years and that has never happened with us- not even once.<P>I guess part of it too is that I didn't suspect what was going on for a long time. I wonder what he told me he was doing, how I could have believed him, etc. That gets into the whens and the hows and the wheres and how could I not have not known for such a long time.<P>He has not ended the A and has not committed to the marriage. I am still trying to Plan A. He says he is confused and doesn't want to lead me on. For this reason, he won't commit to doing anything about our relationship verbally, though he has made some pretty dramatic changes in the last couple of months. He will not tell me what his ENs are- if he tells me and I meet them, it will make him more confused. It's kind of like he decided that his A was justified because I would not or could not meet his needs. If I can or do, he can not justify his A anymore. And where does that leave him? My Plan A also tends to make him feel more guilty. Sometimes I think that if he shares the details of his relationship with her, I will be able to figure out the ENs that I don't know already or maybe better ways of meeting them.<P>What I am struggling with most is current honesty. For such a long time, he lied and hid stuff and was distant while the A was hot and heavy. He would not communicate with me, would not look at me- totally withdrawn. He had a secret second life that I couldn't know about. Now, since he is willing, I want to know what's going on with them. I want to be able to trust him again- hopefully as a H in the future, but for now just as a person. I want to get to know him again and I him to know me. I don't think this can happen if he is still hiding things and covering up. He has said he will do anything I want him to do in terms of communicating this stuff to me. We last left it with he would answer my questions but not volunteer anything. That was fine for a while, they were hardly communicating. Now I'm not sure what's going on between them and I feel like he covering up or hiding or something.<P>I don't know. I'm a little confused right now.

Hello again,<P>I do think his willingness to talk to you is a very good sign. Plus it will help you to be prepared for the direction their relationship might take. Good communication will always be necessary for your children's sakes, even if you end up apart.<P>HOWEVER, at some point you are bound to become resentful of the fact that he is somewhat "stringing you along" until the other woman resolves things with her own husband. Do you really feel up to listening to personal, intimate details of your husband's relationship with another woman? And do you want him to tell her the same kind of details about your relationship with him?<P>I agree with Catplay's post. I asked for and got FAR too many details of the affair after the first dday. I had horrible nightmares for weeks about them being together. After this dday I decided not to repeat that mistake again, so I asked only general questions (How often did you talk by phone and email; When did it begin; Who initiated the contact; Did you meet; How many times; How far did the physical contact go; Am I in danger of any STD infection). I never want to go through the agony of knowing details again.<P>I did not give firestorm a list of questions, I just asked anything I thought of. BIG MISTAKE. I also know now that he was not completely honest anyway.<P>As to your curiosity about why your husband hid the truth for so long and now wants to tell all, my theory is that it helps them to unburden their guilt. I'm sure he is doing it to make himself feel better instead of you. After all, it he was concerned about your feeling better, wouldn't he end the affair and try to save your marriage?<P>Anyone involved in an affair is operating from an entirely selfish place anyway. But your husband (like mine) probably wants to convince himself that if he is telling you about it, it must not be lying and cheating. That is just so wrong.<P>I hope and pray that he will soon come out of the fog he is in and the two of you will be able to recover from his affair.<P>Best wishes,<P>Peppermint<P>