I haven't posted in a long time, and have been visiting the boards regularly. It has been 3 months since D-Day and I feel that I have gotten nowhere. Yes, I have been talking alot, and in therapy, and trying to go on since life doesnt stop for things like this.<BR>I feel very depressed today, and everytime I think about all that has happened, I can't seem to get past the question o f why he would do this to me? How could he? what was he thinking? How do I forgive him? <BR>I'm scared to even type this because i really do love my H, and don't want to lose him. But here goes. Is it only him that can fill this void? Did he do something so terrible that I can't get over it? The thought of leaving him saddens me, but is it ultimately where we are headed because of my inability to forgive? I know I am the only one who can answer this, but the thought of losing him makes me shake with fear. The thought of him being with another, even after he has already done that, makes me jealous. I want to share my life with HIM. Always wanted to. How could he do this to us?!?!?<BR>I feel like with all of the talking I do, and I have been talking, believe me. I speak to my sisters, in therapy, my H, some friends, and we recently told his family.(There is an OC involved.) My feelings of betrayal, anger, hurt, and mistrust are no better if not worse.<BR>I feel that the passion for my H is gone. And I do so want to get it back, and so does he. It's strange. I want to talk to him, but when I have the chance I just sit there. I want to feel his touch, yet back away when he kisses me. I want him home when he travels(which is often), yet away when he is here. I'm just so confused.<BR>He says I am his soulmate, and that is why he wants to work all this out. I do love him, I don't want to lose him, but I'm so scared of letting go of all of the feelings and possibly becoming vulnerable again. <BR>Yes, there are some days that I feel positive, but they are few. I'm due to have my baby in 5 weeks, and am having difficulty in dealing with that. I found out via the mail regarding her requesting child support.<BR>I feel as if I have too much to think about.The OC, my baby, her, the affair, forgiveness. He took the worst thing he could do to me, having an affair, and brought it to the worst possible stage. He had the affair, fathered a child, let me find out by court papers, lied to me during the affair and then didn't tell me, again lying to me for 8 more months. The only thing that could make it worse is if he continued seeing her, which, if he decides to have a relationship with this OC, will make that a reality too. THIS WILL NEVER GO AWAY!!!!! We will pay child support for the rest of his life!<BR>I know that I have posted about all this before, but I'm getting nowhere fast. I can't see myself without him, yet can't let him in. He says that I walk around like a zombie around the house and when we are with others. Like I'm in a fog. I can't see thru it all. And he doesn't know how to help me. How can he when I can't figure it out. I have told him a few things he could do to make me feel better, but I'm not sure they will heal me. They possibly could. Isn't it worth it to have him try?<BR>I'm babbling now, thanks for letting me vent as I'm really unsure as to if I'm asking for anything here. I just needed to get this off my chest.<P>[This message has been edited by Not Giving Up (edited September 19, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by Not Giving Up (edited September 19, 2000).]

I have been there. zombie zone. hopeless days. sleepless nights. want him/doesn't want him. stay/leave. everything's a mess.<P>If you pay close attention to some of the codenames we give ourselves, you go bingo! that is how I feel often/sometimes as well: weep, inamess, whattodo, burnedspouse, cloudy, broken wings, ohmy_m., lostsoulmate, discarded, etc..<P>This dazed state will last several months. I thought I would have to live with the pain in my stomach and the knife in my heart, the sting in my eyes, the numbness in my head, etc.. for the rest of my life. The distrust and disrespect maybe, but the emotional trauma can be healed. It will take time and effort by therapists and healing ministries. I was healed last weekend of the emotional tormentors that had imprisoned my normal ahppy loving self. Now, I am normal and joyful, but I still have to make the decision as to what I want to do with the marriage.<P>Everthing is so new for you and you are in a very hormonally charged condition now. I feel so for you. Please give yourself the rest you need, even if you are just postponing the ordeal to a later date; let your husband know by writing him your true feelings. Please think about baby.

NGU_<P>I know the hopeless feeling all this brings. I am not quite where you are, there is no other child(not that I know of) and my H doesn't want to work things out.<P>I found out last nite that he wants to trade me in for the new model. He didn't talk D, but when i said it sounded like he wanted me and the OW to trade places magically, he said, "Her with you yes, but you in her place, no it wouldn't be fair to you." Like he really cares. I have never felt so abandoned. I think he has really made up his mind, he wants her. He just does not have the guts to admit it.<P>In the mean time he sleeps in our bed(cringing at my touch) and going to therapy and making this great show to everyone that he is trying. But he is not. He talks to her daily and cajoles her and supports her pain at his indecision, but just sighs with impatience at mine. Yah, I am such a pain in the a**, just make me dissappear! Then he won't have to be the bad guy.<P>I don't think he is going to give me a real chance at repairing the marriage. He is just too da** selfish to do anything himself, either. He just leaves the difficulty behind, and moves on to the new. <P>What he does not realize is that he will never have a normal relationship because he won't give the time to find out what is lacking in his life. She fills it for him now with all the passion and stolen moments, but it won't last. He will have destroyed our family for nothing.<P>It is so unfair for him to keep her in the wings and play at our therapy JUST IN CASE he makes a mistake. I have never seen anyone so selfish in all my days. I almost hate him today. This is the closest I have come to it and it is tearing me up inside. He just has no feelings of remorse anymore for what he has done, or is doing. He did when I first found out, how could it change? and does he really not care? I think he has made his decision to dump me, he just does not want to leave. He cares nothing for me, and it apprears less and less every day.<P>Everything is backfiring--where is the Plan-A fairy! My heart is breaking again.

Burned spouse: I'm sorry to hear that your H doesn't want to attempt to work things out. That must be very hard.My H is trying, I'm the one who can't let him in. I guess that as long as you know that you have tried... although I know that doesn't take the pain away.<P> It's ironic because I was thinking about something today at the school I help out with. That is the only thing my H did not do to me. He did choose me over her,and although I should see that as a positive, it's so hard to see thru the other stuff.<P>I realize now that he has hurt me in all ways possible with this. Not only did he have the affair in the first place, he fathered another child, lied to me for 4 mths while he was with her, lied for 8 more by not telling me, and let me find out thru the mail via court papers sueing him for paternity and child support. And although HE ended the affair, since there is his OC involved, this woman and her baby will never go away. They will be ever present in my life, a monthly reminder of how he gave up on me, our marriage. (Yes we may have had problems, but this should never have happened). And there in lies the ever present Question,"HOW COULD HE?"

Yes I know where you are. I felt that way at first. But quickly came to the realization that if I persevered that I could bring him back. He really has never left, even though this has been going on for 16 mos.<P>I am sad that he can't see past the end of his nose. At least yours ended it. There was the complication of the OC, but that is not his fault, only 1/2. But I bet he did not set out to create this child, and that is the reality of it. He has returned to you, for what ever reason he strayed in the first place. At least he came to his senses and returned to you. <P>I know you have been hurt, so have all of us BS's. Try to find the causes of the A and work on tht together. That may help you forgive. Read Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley--It is necessary to understand the nature of how A's start. It helps placate some of the blame. If you have read it, read it again. Try the other books too.<P>I wish I was in your shoes, but we all have our own painful circumstances to bear. I hope you find some peace.

NGU-<P>How are you doing today? I was thinking about you today. I hope you are more at peace.<P>B

Thank you for checking up on me.Things are pretty much the same.I'm begining to get very tired, due to the last few weeks of the pregnancy, and the fact that I get very little sleep.I am usually up until the wee hours of the AM, and pass out on the third night!My husband travels alot and has been gone since Sun. I miss him but after he gets home all the walls go up. I figured out that I am just getting out of shock. My mind is going in a million directions, it won't stop, and life goes on regardless of what is happening. The kids need to go to school, baths, eat, ect....I think I'm just begining to realize what is happening. So on my mind goes.<BR>My H returns tomorrow afternoon, and I'm going to try to write him a letter since I am much better at the written word, rather that spoken. I get so flustered talking to him that it always comes out wrong.<BR>We know what led up to the affair. I will not let him say that these things caused the affair, because the only thing that caused him to sleep with her is the fact he couldn't say no.<BR>We had problems for about 3 years, which started small and just got bigger. We had discussions that he felt I had lost my desire for him , didn't show attention, and sex was infrequent and, in a word, boring. My mistake was that everytime we argued, we got it out of our systems, and I took it for granted that he was willing to give me more time, and he came to the end of his rope. I also realize now that I could have done more for him. He never said to me, "I'm having temptations." or "We need to separate or divorce." I told him that it would have smacked me in the face and forced me to make a choice if I heard that.He did say in May, pre-affair that if things didn't change he would have to find a way to deal with it. I didn't know it meant this. He did finally say in Aug, after the affair started,that we had to start figuring out if we should be together, and I looked at him, realized I didn't want to lose him and began a transformation. And thats when he broke it off with her.<BR>I feel that this issue, and the fact that we have a difficult time communicating with each otherare the main issues, and there are many others that stem from this. We have pretty much stopped blaming each other. I think we both just want to move forward.('m going to get booted off the computer. I need to submit then edit.)<BR>I'm not sure why I'm explaining all this, but I did anyway.<BR>So all is the same today. I do hope your day was better today. You sounded very down and frustrated yesterday. Did antthing get accomplished today? Please let me know. My H needs the computer right now, I'll check in soon. There is more I'd like to say.<p>[This message has been edited by Not Giving Up (edited September 20, 2000).]

NGU-<P>Yes thank you, I am much better today. I almost wish I could just keep it in for one day when I have these new revelations. Each one hurts because he doesn't talk any of the rest of the time about this situation. But I vent, and vent here just to stay sane.<P>What upset me most was the fact that the next AM after that switching statement, I was still angry, becasue I didn't get a rebuttal. He went to sleep. The next morning I was still mad and lost my temper with my son just for kicking rocks all over the driveway without picking them up, even after I asked him to please stop. My H comes storming out "What happened? Stop yelling at him! Stop yelling at me!" <P>"I am not yelling at you, when did I ever yell at you?!" (now ) But that was because he attacked my anger. I was really mad at HIM as we all know. I went inside and really let my anger go. I took my desk chair and threw it on the floor 3 times until it shattered into splinters.<P>I have never destroyed furniture before. I cried after that good and hard for 20 min(not because I'll miss the chair ) and then my H said, "Feel better now?" in a superior way.<P>"Yes, i do as a matter of fact, I wish I had three more! "<P>Where's the punching bag when you really need it? I am not depressed, I am on meds for that, but I am starting to go through this anger thing. He is still sitting on the da** fence. Giving me no emotions at all. He is so cold! I am just getting to the end of it. I am really going to have to give him some serious boundries and follow through with the consequences. <P>I just wish I knew other consequences than, "Leave our home." I don't want that. I still do not want a D, but I can't be hurt, with no compassion and ignored every day. I have to protect my self now. I am the only one who can say when I have had enough. I am getting there. He needs to proceed with his--whatever. I don't even know what, he always says , "I don't know." To every question. What a thick Fog! <P>I am not angry now. I wrote him an email after that chair thing. He was leaving on trip that day. He read it today, he did not give me a response to it, but he didn't like it. He hates being pushed, especially after I said I would give him space. But all these weeks later still nothing! I need him to act like a man! Not a big baby with his hand in the cookie jar!(And won't take it out...)<P>The weird thing is, H thinks the decision is all up to him. But is not. The only thing that is in his hands is the decision to dump the OW, or not. And to give a whole-hearted attempt at saving our marriage, or not. The outcome has no guarentee! <P>Just because I am committed to try to save the marriage, doesn't mean it will work! It may not work for me, either, ya' know! But I won't know until we work on it <B>together</B>. He needs to get started. <P>Cheers!<P>B <P>P.S. Try to hold off on any life-changing decisions about your marr until after the baby is born. And then be sure you are not going through postpartum. You need to be fully you, before you do anything you might regret. Take it easy for now and try to stay positive.<P>And get some sleep!

Burned Spouse: I was thinking about how you are lately. I haven't been able to get on the computer lately, since the H has been home from a 5 day trip, and uses the computer alot. I just can't sleep tonite. I'm in the process of trying to write my H a letter to tell him of all my feelings over the past 3 months, since I am much better at pen to paper than the spoken word. I have been thinking about it for about 3 weeks now and finally got the inspiration Wed nite from my sister. So far I have 2 pages written. It is brutally honest, full of anger, but what he needs to hear because it will ultimately explain, clearly, what I need from him to heal.<BR>You are absolutely right, that both of us need to work on healing together, and right now I must admit that it seems to be more on his side than mine. I don't think that it is that I don't want to heal, it's just that I feel like so much is on my mind, and I want things to be back to normal so badly...maybe I'm expecting too much too soon, he says he understands if I need time. You know whats really wierd? That sometimes it all seems so normal, like we are discussing buying some new furniture, or picking out what part of the new house we bought last year we want to fix next, with all this going on. It's almost seems as if deep down inside we know we will work it out, we just keep making plans, (or is it that we don't want to think about what if we can't work it out?)<BR>Anyway, hope all is well with you and your week got better, and your weekend gets great. I think I may sleep now. I was going to try to work on the letter. Maybe tomorrow, but I will definately have time on Sun. It's waited tis long, what is two more days? My oldest is trying her first dance class tomorrow. This should be interesting! Keep in touch. God Bless!

NGU-<BR>I just wanted you to know that I got your post. My H is returning from a 4 day trip and the flight was delayed out of Chicago. About 7 hrs delay. So instead of landing at 8:30, he won't arrive until 2 or three, I cannot even figure it out! Poor thing.<P>He had 2 more hours before the flight was to leave, so I signed off with, "Well, if you get bored and want to talk to someone-Call me." <P>Of course he didn't. He probably called her after dinner and talked until he got on the plane--scoundrel!<P>Well, I try not to think of her, it only hurts and then I get angry. We don't want that again! He will be tired and grumpy all day tomorrow from lack of sleep, so I have to REALLY watch my LB's! <P>I'll write more during the weekend...<P>B

NGU_<P>Okay I am back. From another day of no progress. My D had a big Tae kwon do tournament today. We waited hours before her first competition. The whole time my H is getting more and more insistant that D watch others and learn, and"if you don't want to win, that's okay, go ahead and fool around..."<P>Finally I turned to him and said,'Oh, don't go there. She needs to be confident and do her best her own way, not yours. Don't make her feel that her best isn't good enough for you..."<P>He just looked at me in astonishment, gave me that look that sayd, "So my parenting skills s**k too, huh" and just turned bruskly away. He was frustrated from then on. Of course his three hours of sleep didn't help matters--his flight was delayed until after 1:00AM! He got home at 4AM.<P>Needless to say she picked up a first place medal and a third place medal, good girl!<P>We raved and she was very happy, and very hungry! 10am to 3pm and no food in between! Except for a few bites I had brought on the sidelines as she waited for her turn and gatorade. I just couldn't stand it! Mom to the rescue again!

Burnedspouse:I wanted to let you know that I probally will not be able to post today as H uses the computer under our screen name all day at work. Look for my post tomorrow and hope your day is well as can be.