I'm just repasting stuff from two messages I posted, some overlap...sorry and thanks.<P>I could really use some advice. Alot has happened. I managed to confirm PA and not just EA...I'm having a bit of trouble with this realization, but I pretty much knew anyway, so I'll survive. However, she has been doing small things to indicate that she might move towards saving our marriage (wants me to join a sport with her, talked about getting us closer). However, more importantly, I know she wrote the OM and said she loves him but knows her days are numbered. Seems to be cracks opening up, some arguing, he doesn't want kids around, etc. As painful as all this was to find out about, I'm planning next steps. She is still in denial stage though, but I have more things to tell her that I know about, so that must end soon (I hope). Even if she wants to remain (hasn't moved out yet), it won't be easy for me. It is very sickening, as you know. But I'll try. But is it time to tell her to give up OM, or perhaps tell her that she has a finite time with which to do so, or do you think just keep Plan A and tell her about the fog and that I'll be here for her. I'm just a bit confused myself.<BR>Can anyone tell me a usual amount of time from when cracks start to when they finally give it up and want back, if in fact that will even happen. It hurts to know about the "I love you" crap, any words of wisdom are appreciated, because this was a really bad day, but in one way it shows some hope because I see the cracks and she is one heck of a confused person. She told me she missed me 2 days ago, but I figured alot of that was guilt.<P>I'm not even sure what to really ask today. This website (ie. everyone reading this) has been a gift throughout this terrible phase. Thanks for any help or simply words of wisdom.<P>------------------<BR>When is the right time to tell my wife that reverting from affair to friends with OM isn't permitted. She is still denying an affair, but her fantasy seems to be starting to crack, so when she realizes (hopefully) that it is ending, when is the right time to introduce some of the concepts learned here?<BR>Also, knowing the fantasy is starting to crack, is it advised to inject some more reality into it such as telling her that she doesn't have forever to commit to our marriage, and maybe reminding her that her move out date is coming quickly? That would seem to violate Plan A, but it is tempting.<P>Thanks for any thoughts.<P>PS: She tells OM today that she loves him but knows her days are numbered. Hard to see/hear, but I see cracks...she seems to be more emotionally attached than him...he is just getting a thrill from what I know.<P>

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Dear Rick37: My heart goes out to you. You must really love her to tolerate such pain. I have been on both sides of the fence. My advice to you is dont wait. You may not like her answer and you need to prepare yourself for that, but you are torturing yourself by waiting to let her make a choice. Obviously she cant so you take the step and tell her me or him. From experience, she knows you are in the wings for her as she plays when you remove yourself from the picture its like taking a saftey net away. Eithe she will realize what she is losing in you or she and see that he is not what she wants or she will go to him. Either way it ends the wait game. When I had a double relationship I realized that between the om and my husband all my needs were filled, without one in the picture it made me stop and think of which I needed. Hard to explain but the otherman kept me in my marriage. Make her make a choice, do whats good for you and stand tall, dont back down once you give the the ultimatum. If she sees you cave she will know the net is still there. If she choose him cut her off completely and let her miss what you had together and fear it may be gone. Well sorry to chew your ear, hope it gave you some insite. Good luck

Dear rick37,<BR>I'm lucky because my W tells me almost everything about OP. She's tired of the situation but I feel it must be her choice.<BR>Story with OM EA and friendship but hard on me. Being going own 6 months and I feel that I've worked quite a lot on my own and W will know that I won't wait forever. Told W yesterday that my lv for her strong very strong but won't last forever. All I say is Patience, Time, and Consistency and things will go in one or the other direction. Have faith W knows that sooner or later my do something.<BR>Something beautiful that Karenna told me weeks ago.<BR>Your can't chase her and be needy if you want her to love you. Work on being the best HUSBAND to HER, and be the best person you can be. Let go the dependence on her reations and affirmations. Do what you do because it is good an right, not because you fear losing her.<BR>This is so true and W told me the she he me happy with myself and this tells me that she will decide what to do sooner or later. <BR>Remember: Patience, Time, and Consistency<BR>j