I tried to reply to the thread started by L_I_L, but it wouldn't let me, so here is an update, and a testimonial to the BS's out there to STAY AWAY from opposite sex!!!!<P><BR>Just a little update.....<P>I saw my 'friend' last night and had a serious discussion....... I told her that though we have similar interests and likes/dislikes, etc., I am MARRIED, and no matter what my head and body scream for, my heart belongs to my wife. Only, my wife. I told her I can not see her again, even just for dinner. Went over like a lead balloon, but I did it. <P>The words she spoke, and the attention she was showering on me had almost made me walk away from the marriage I have been working so hard for the last 8 months to save. It is hard to stay focused on saving the marriage when the WS is doing/saying/acting the way they do, and to have an attractive, attentive person telling you how they would never treat you that way. How much better you deserve, blah blah blah. I almost bit on it, it felt so good to feel wanted again. As such, I learned why you STAY AWAY from opposite sex while in turmoil!!!<P>I don't really know why I am posting this, but I already told L_I_L that I went and told OW to cease and dissist. I just wanted everyone to know that no matter how much you want to save a marriage, you are very vulnerable in the low moments. I almost became a WS myself. <P>Thanks to all for the support on here, it helps to be reminded what I am fighting for, until my wife can make the choice to come back to our marriage. My wife and I both talked a lot before we ever got together that marriage was very important to us and that we both intended to do it just one time. I still feel that way, and will do my best to hold on until my wife can find her way back. I am stronger now than I have ever been in my life, so I will fight to hold on until that day. (I love you, L_I_L!) <P>SS4N

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>How much better you deserve, blah blah blah. I almost bit on it, it felt so good to feel wanted again. As such, I learned why you STAY AWAY from opposite sex while in turmoil!!!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>And stay away from the opposite sex in good times, lest they turn into turmoil...<P>This is the typical Harley advice: no spouse-exclusive opposite sex friendships, never discuss marital problems with the opposite sex, and tell your spouse immediately if you're attracted to someone else (and avoid that person like the plague).

SS4N -<P>Good for you. . .I know it's hard right now. . .just hang in there. If you and your wife are meant to be together, I think everything will work out, just have faith. . .

I agree & gave this advice right through developing an EA in our last separations. Somebody gets hurt, whether it is the BS becoming WS, the WS becoming BS, or the OP. In my case it was all 3 of us were hurt & my H was very tempted to turn back to the OW.<P>We can try to be smart, but it is difficult to not be vulnerable--when you are.

SS4N:<P>I agree with your post 100%. It would be easy since as BS our needs aren't being met and for someone to come along and boost you up is a great feeling. <P>I am proud of how you handled yourself.<P>Best Wishes,<P>Judy

SS4N-<P>I am glad this happened to you before it happened to me.<P>I am also feeling pretty used and E abused by my WS. He has made no steps back to me, or even expressed compassion lately. <P>As I work on my self esteem, etc, I find I am more confident and with this confidence I have noticed that I am thinking of my single male frinds differently. Some know my H and some don't. But luckily for me they do not know we are having probs, so they are as usual, nice but not responsive. Thank goodness. But I do appreciate their attention that two friends can have when they know they are safe from involvement.<P>I must keep it that way. But I have been very low without any E support from my H. He is hooked on the OW. I must keep my mind to my task, and that is to recover my marriage! <P>Thanks for the honesty.

Burned.....<P>I know exactly what you mean about confidence. I lost a lot of weight and tanned up real dark this summer, mostly because I was so depressed I couldn't eat or do anything, so I laid on a floatee in my friends pool whenever I wasn't working. All of a sudden, a lot of women started paying me some attention. I resisted the temptation until the last couple weeks. When my wife went to be with the OM again, I started flexing the appeal to see what I COULD do. Just flirting a little....it took my mind of my problems when that was going on. It made me feel halfway alive again, to know women were interested in me. Apparently decent looking men in their early 30s with a good job and no kids are in demand these days! Thank God I stopped it before it got out of hand. <P>I just hope my wife comes back. Like your WS, she has made no steps back to me yet either. We do still see each other often and talk almost every day. I can't do this indefinitely, but I think she is trying to do what she needs to. Thanks to all for the support!<P>SS4N

SS4N,<P>One thing I have learned on this forum and I believe it was K that has mentioned it several times. If things don't improve, you need to go to Plan B. However, unlike I would have guessed, K, has pointed out you should do this before you get fed up. Plan B is to preserve your love of the spouse, so you still need to be in love with her, if you go this route.<P>Please read about this and how to do it. While LiL seems to be aware of your situation and pain, it doesn't seem that she has made any attempts to end the affair. There will come a time when you will need to change the situation for your own sake and safety.<P>Keep a close eye on the barometer SS4N and ask K for more information about applying Plan B.<P>God Bless,<P>JL