Calling WS's or anyone with experience or insight into this problem:<P>Can anyone out there relate to the problem of the rejection that a WS feels when the OP is the one who is calling an end to the affair? As offensive as it was to hear my W say that, at least it's a start. I hate thinking that I could win by default, but hey, at this point I'll take what I can get. She has told me several times that she very much appreciates the wisdom that I have gathered for her from this website, and asked me today to post this question and see if anyone has some advice or experience in this matter.<BR> I suggested that she start lurking and posting here herself and she says she will in the future. <BR> Anyway I'm hoping that you great people can come through for me again.<BR> She is really working hard but her withdrawl symptoms are incredibly bad. The one thing that gets me through is that because of my reading all of the Harley material, and other information and threads here, I know what to expect and I know exactly how to react. Patience, Time, and Consistency. It's great advice. I know this doesn't work for everybody, but it sure seems to be working for us and nothing else I have tried has worked at all.<BR> God Bless you all and Thank You.

My H's involvement was not physical, but rather an emotional attachment. When it ended, he was in a great deal of emotional pain. Couldn't sleep. Kept having to shut the door at work so he could cry. Chest pains. Etc. I used to really worry that he was going to self-destruct. He finally started seeing a therapist for depression which helped him a lot.<P>You are right to be supportive. It is hard, but very worthwhile to love and support your spouse. We talked supportively and <BR>non-judgementally a lot thu this period.<P>Good luck.<P>Kathi<P>

Hi Whatodo:<P>This will be hard but this is one time to put aside your feelings and really concentrate on your wife. You could very easily lapse into LB now because the intensity of your wife's feelings is really being brought home to you. But these feelings are like the early "fantasy" feelings, they are very strong at first and then fade with time. <P>The OP has really in a way given you and her a gift. It is much harder to go through withdrawal when the OP is still waiting in the background for a second chance. <P>I remember my H getting up out of bed and driving out to where she lived to see where OW was in the middle of the night. And he was the one who ended it (that time). How that hurt. But I think we could have weathered it if she would have stayed out of the picture. So take the chance you're being given and give her all the support you can muster while she's going through this very difficult time. It's wonderful that you can recognize how difficult it is for her too, thanks to MB.<P>Buffy <BR>

Dear whatodo,<P>I spent well over an hour writing you a dissertation and aol knocked me off seconds before I submitted my reply, dag nab it!!!<P>It was beautifully written too, now it is 3:00 est and I must go to bed. My H is out of town, permitting me the chance to reply to some of you.<P>Sorry, I'll try again tomorrow, because after all "tomorrow is another day"! <P>Cathy

Hi whatodo,<BR>My situation is the opposite of yours my W wants to call it off but doesn't yet have the courage. She says it a EA and basically a frendship but she's told me in the past no love for me. She told me that she can't stand the situation she's in, but I told her that my love for her is strong very strong and I do have and use Patience, Time, and Consistency.<BR>Question though if WS in my case W doesn't have courage to let EA die should I but in and give her a hand?? I know OP who is 14 years younger and he is making her suffer a lot but W doesn't yet want to call it off. <BR>She's afraid of missing something. What ever that means.<BR>Yesterday was our 20 wedding anniv. and she told me more and more people say don't leave the secure for the unsecure.<BR>I told her that this guy is only interested in SF but she firmly believes OP is sincere.<BR>Who knows. I hate to see her suffer this way.<BR>Thanks for letting me say a few things probably confusing like me.

Dear Whattodo:<P>First off, I'm so sorry that you both are hurting. <P>Secondly, if your wife will allow you to, I would recommend comforting her. Holding her and just allowing her to cry it out. On the other hand, she may prefer to grieve on her own....but, I would recommend trying to work on this together as much as she will allow you to. <P>Maybe have a "game plan" for when she's feeling down???? Something that the two of you construct together?? Don't know how "open" she is yet....Perhaps it could include things like packing wine/cheese in picnic basket and going to park, visit to art museum, visit to zoo, sports activity/event, movie, etc.....Anything agreeable to her that would help her keep her mind focused on the two of you.<P>My H is the WS...and at first during withdrawal he was just, well, sh#tty--no other way to describe it. And, even though he's a guy, he did have times where he'd break down and just cry...and although I knew the tears were for OW, I held him and comforted him...and cried right along with him...and we both just held on for dear life.<P>Please remember to take care of yourself during this time. When it all gets too crazy, you too must take a breather...and simply "exist" for a while.<P>Peace, ~Marie

I sank into a very deep depression when the OM called it off. Actually I had a bit of depression before the EA happened. When the OM called it off, I felt 100 times worse. I spent many hours in my office crying (and I don't have a door to shut). I spent a lot of time in the ladies room crying. I even left work a few times because I felt so overwhelmed that all I could do was cry until I fell asleep. <P>It's been six months and I'm finally starting to get a grip. I'm taking antidepressants now and I still tear up now and then but it's better than it was. I'm starting to be able to work again.<P>My relationship with my H is improving some. We are communicating better and are planning some recreational activities to do together. I'm still wavering about how committed I am to the marriage. And at times I do feel like I'm 'settling'. That's one of the reasons I've been so slow to recommit. Mostly, though, I have some issues that I need to resolve that are in me before I can be an active participant in ANY relationship. Stuff left over from my childhood that led to my depression in the first place, led to the EA, led to the demise of my relationship with the OM, etc. All that has to be dealt with before I can even make a decision about my marriage.<P>I don't know your wife's history, so I don't know if she has any issues with abandonment as I did, but essentially, I felt emotionally abandoned in my marriage. Enter the OM. My fear of abandonment caused me to cling to him too much. He fled. Then I really felt abandoned and it just added to all the other stuff that was already swimming around inside me. It's been quite a struggle to pull myself out of that pit. If your wife has similar issues, you will need to show her that you are there for her, that you will not abandon her physically or emotionally. This will take an incredible amount of time, patience, and consistency on your part to help her through it.<P>

WOW...what do you want to know?? Is she hurting..Yes, she is..especially if she loved him. I tried to break it off w/ OM many times<BR>and couldn't..And yes, I love him very much..<BR>and I know that he loves me just as much..<BR>(I know some of you don't believe that..because it's "just a fantasy" but it's not) This man gave me something that no other<BR>man in my entire life has shown me..true love..communication..he shared himself..<BR>something my h doesn't share w/ me..himself..<BR>OM broke it off this time..because he does love me..He knows that my H say's he wants to<BR>work on the marriage..(something I am still doubtful of) but he said he wants me to put 100% into the marriage..without him in the picture..and if it doesn't work out..then it doesn't work out, he's not promised to be there if it doesn't work out with my h..so <BR>I don't have that to fall back on if it doesn't work..but thats okay..I love him enough and he loves me enough to want the other to be happy no matter who they we are with..and he looks at if h and I can work it out and be happy..thats wonderful..for the kids for us..even at the cost of his own broken heart..and it hurts like hell..I'm having a hard time w/ the no contact..because I really miss our conversations more than anything..thats a major EN for me..so from going to talking every night on the phone for 2 and 3 hours to not talking to anyone at all...is very hard..<P>your W is lucky you are there for her..My h<BR>doesn't know how to communicate..he doesn't know how to carry on a conversation past how was your day? how are the kids? and his work..and I need more than that..doesn't matter how many questions I ask him..he always gives short answers..I ask him to expand on issues and all I get is I don't know..so it's very very painful.<P>But I do know that OM loves me enough to want me to be happy..even if it is with my h..and that in itself to me is very comforting..that he is strong enough for both of us..to let me go..no matter how much it hurts, and he's strong enough to say He can't talk to me when I call him..even though I know that he really wants to talk..I can hear it in voice..and I've seen the hurt in eyes when I've run into him at the store..to where he will look away..just so he doesn't have to look into my eyes..so I know that he hurts just as much as I do..<BR>