He moved out a week ago. At first I felt releif, now reality is setting in of what it will be like without him.<P>I am so angry that he has not called to tell me his phone # like he promised. I have a bunch of messages for him, some mail, some questions about things around here. <P>I changed the locks Teusday, and I think he was here yesterday. And I am feeling bad I locked him out... geez.<P>I am so sad that I tried to make this as easy and as safe as possible for him and he can't even teat me as a friend and let me know where he is after 18 years together.Its like he wants me to disappear off the face of the earth. My mammogram was negative and my lump is gone, but I can't help thinking how much they would have liked it if it had turned out differently.<P>Do you think I should call him and leave a message at work or his Moms? His friend who called is going to be in town today, so I am afraid he will call here again. I just told the friend he was at work when he called earlier in the week. Should I tell him the truth if he calls again, that H has left and I don't know his # or address?<BR>Lora<P>

Lora,<P>First off, I'm truly sorry what you are going through! But, I am very happy that you are okay, and I doubt that your H would wish you ill.<P>Next, don't call H at work, leave him be. H did the same thing to me when he moved out. Didn't know where he lived and he didn't give me a number to reach him. It drove me crazy and it was painful. Like you, I felt like after all these years, he doesn't even treat me like a friend. But, trust me on this one...he is thinking of you.<P>Don't say anything to his friends or family, let him handle it. I told H to inform his family and friends, but he didn't. He said it was okay for me to do it. H now feels some resentful of what/how I informed family and friends even though he understands how devastated I was. There is no pleasing them when they are in the fog, so leave the information sharing to him. This was his decision, let him tell his side; you'll get your chance when you hear from them. If his friend calls, again, give him your H's work number.<P>As for the mail, I hung on to it until he informed me of where to forward. Never mind if it looks important, if he isn't concerned about it, you shouldn't either. <P>If the house needs working on, call a professional. I took his keys away from him (I shouldn't have done that, but oh well). Don't use the mail or the house as a reason for getting in touch with him. What he wants is to get a sense of his own space.<P>It was about 1-1/2 mos. before I heard from H and it was excruciating. He gave me his phone number then, but to this day I still don't know exactly where he lives. As a matter of fact, neither does his family, and it's been 5 mos. now! He doesn't live with OW, she lives in the building next to me!!! None of our closest friends knows where he lives, but his "new" friends do.<P>The next few weeks is going to be miserable! You'll cry a lot, have sleepless nights, anxiety, the whole gamit. But, you'll be okay, you'll get stronger. I kept reading here that I will be okay, but when all of this first hits you you wonder, "how can that be?"<P>I found this site, bought the books and read them over and over. Sought the help of a therapist, and talked only to a few close friends. But they really don't understand what we are going through, so my contact with them is minimum. I come here a lot and I know that you've been here a lot too. We're for you!<P>Continue to take care of yourself, you can still Plan A him even if he's out of the house! Really you can! <P>Take care, MT

Dear Lora,<BR>DO NOT CALL.<BR>Follow the plan b guidelines. It is just plain hard, and there is no way to make it easy. Be strong, you can do it.<BR>(((((hugs)))))

Thanks MT,<BR>You did survive this huh? I guess I will watch caller ID and not answer if his friend calls, because I would have a hard time not saying anything. I have already talked to his family, so I guess I am in trouble there. <BR>One more question, Or anniversary is the 30th, should I send a card to his moms?<P>CL,<BR>Well, I am not in plan B yet, my thought was to plan A for a month after he moved out then send him the plan B letter. It sort of seems like a moot point though if he is not going to ever talk to me again.<BR>Lora

Dear Lora:<P>I agree with everyone about not contacting him. This first period of separation is hard on everyone....and the fact that he has not contacted you probably only means that he is feeling guilty...let him stew awhile.<BR>I expect he will contact you within the next week or so. Let him have a change to miss you. <P>I think it is important to wait for him to initiate contact and to let him determine when and how that contact takes place because that reinforces the idea that you are letting him have his own space and time to resolve his own problems. This will aid your Plan A attempts, too.<P>It's hard being alone, I know. But coming here helps a lot. Just try to keep busy with activities and friends. It does get easier as time goes on (although not a lot) and it is certainly easier then living with WS while they carry on affair with OP.<P>You know all those things you always wanted to do but could never find the time because H kept you so busy? Well, do them now. Not only will you be missing your H less but you'll be enriching your own life. Try walking...it's a great stress reliever and you'll lose weight too.<P>You really are doing the right thing...remember that...maybe the only thing you can do to preserve your love and your marriage.<P>Buffy<P> <P> <P><BR> <BR><p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited September 21, 2000).]

Lora,<BR>I always keep up with your posts and worry when you do not post.Glad you are well and do not have to deal with returning illness.<BR>Seems like you are in a forced plan b.ME too.<P> At least we can support eachother thru this.<BR>I wouldnt contact him either.<BR>had to chuckle to myself when you felt bad about locks.(Think about what he has done to you).Love and prayers,beth

Hi Lora,<P>H had his 45th birthday in July and I had been working on a memory album for over 10 months. Fortunately, his birthday was after he contacted me and I was able to give it to him as a gift, and my MIL convinced me to have a birthday party with family members only. It was a great day, and everyone tried really hard to be cool. I know he felt awkward, but no one did any lovebusting!<P>He was really touched, but he did ask me, "Didn't you think it was awkward to give me this gift (album) considering what is happening?" I told him that it was intended for this day and he can take it however he wants.<P>It's your anniversary, I say send the card to his mom's and he can take it however he wants. Don't expect anything from him though, this way you'll be surprised if you do and not disappointed if you don't.<P>Take care, MT

Sweatpea,<BR>I know I shouldn't contact him, its just so hard. I haven't had the energy to go out and have much fun this past week.<P>Buffy,<BR>Yes I need to walk again. I just have felt like a slug myself these past few days, took a nap instead today. OK I vow I will walk this weekend!<P>Beth,<BR>Ya, I know I shouldn't feel too guilty about the locks. I even told him I was going to do it and if the jerk had called me I would have told him it was done.<P>MT,<BR>I think I will send a casual type card for our anniversary. I remember last year when I forced him to go out and he sat sileint through the meal then said he didn't know why I wanted to make such a big deal out of our anniversary.<BR>Lora

Lora,<P>Don't send the card!!! Anything you do now will make him think it is an attempt to sway him to change his mind. I know that is what you would love to do right now, but don't do anything. Don't send that card!!!Please!!! Ignore him, do you think he will send YOU a card?, probably not! Sorry to sound so negative, just trying to spare you more disappointment.<P>Cathy

Cathy,<BR>Heck no, I definatly don't expect him to send me a card.. <BR>But if I am trying to plan A long distance, don't I have to have some contact? Or are you saying I should wait to initiate after he cantacts me? Or never?<BR>Lora

Lora,<BR>This is just my opinion. You know your H and I don't. Yes, I think it would be best not to send him a card or do anything that he will interpret as attempts.<P>How can he realize that you are serious about these issues if you keep contacting him and dangling a carrot in front of him. <P>I tried several times to give my H cards and small tokens to let him know... I was thinking of him and to remind him that I was special. It would hurt so bad when they would go unacknowledged. Doing these things makes us appear so desperate and needy, and they hate that! They don't want to deal with someone who has problems, even if they are the cause of our problems. I don't want you to sink to feeling any lower about your relationship.<P>I think it is a good dose of his own medicine for him to wonder what you are doing with yourself these days. I would give him as little attention as possible, remember, that is all you have done lately.<BR>It is time to turn the table! <P>We all need to stand our ground once you've made that decision. How can you, one week have the locks changed and the next week, send a card? It sends mixed messages and thier mixed brain can only handle so much input.<P>I too, was so desperate, I almost blew it several times! I'm trying to keep someone from making the same mistakes. You do what you need to do or feel good about doing, I'm only giving my opinion, like I said earlier.<P>Sincerely, <BR>Cathy

hi Lora, just a weekend hug!!! cl

wait..before i too make a mistake. my husband wanted no contact (even with our 2 babies)..and it has now been a week. i have to go on a business trip mon through fri next week and he will be taking care of our infant in "our" home. i wanted to leave little notes around the house telling him how much i love him and a card saying pretty much the same in case something happens to me on this trip...is this not a good idea?onctacto,

Hi Lora,<P>I, too, am Plan Aing from a distance. We just had our anniversary and I <B>did</B> give him a card and a little gift. I didn't get much of a response, but I wanted to let him know that the day still meant something to me.<P>I think some time to cool his heels is a good idea, but my vote is FOR the card. Like you said, something casual -- not mushy. Don't call, and just mail the card to his mom's. As mentioned, don't expect any response from him, you're not likely to get any.<P>If you don't hear anything by a week or so after your anniversary, call him and just ask how he's doing -- light and friendly conversation, make sure he's not busy, if he sounds annoyed, cut it short. That's the advice I got from Steve.<P>I can relate to how hard this is. It's been almost 8 weeks since my H moved out and I'm still struggling. I miss him terribly.<P>When you feel overwhelmed, come here, we'll pull you through.<P><P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers,<BR>KristyAnn

Cathy, still thinking on the card thing. If I think long enough it will be past. Maybe you are right. When I have given him card this past year he just left them out on the table. The letters he read and kept, the cards he didn't.<P>CL, thanks, I go too long between hugs these days.<P>Niki,<BR>I think maybe that sounds like too much. If he is wanting to be away, you may overwelm him. Why don't you post this seperatly so you an get some more responses.<P>Kristi Ann, <BR>I am still trying to deceide. I really want to send one, but am not sure how he would take it. Maybe i should just do what I want and let him take it however he wants. Wow, 8 weeks. How much contact have you had in that time?<BR>Lora<P>

Dear Lora,<P>He only comes by once a week, usually on Sundays to pick up his mail. He is never here longer than about 15 minutes. I Plan A while he's here, but it's hard. I counseled once with Steve and told him how little contact we have and he suggested sending a note or card about once a week just saying I was thinking of him and giving him some newsie things about me and the kids -- light, casual with just a "love, me, at the end -- nothing mushy or pushy. I've done that a few times -- so far, he hasn't acknowledged receiving them. Steve also told me to call him once or twice a week just to see how he's doing. I have had a hard time bringing myself to do that, but I called him today and it went real well. (See my thread called, "Now what is he doing?" under EN)<P>I conversed with one member here who said she wrote a letter to her H once or twice a week for <B>9 months</B>. She didn't hear from him or receive anything back in all that time. Then one day out of the blue, he called her and wanted to see her. She said they fell back in love and it's better than ever. It's those stories of hope that keep me going.<P>My H will be stopping by tomorrow (it's Sunday!). I always try to look my best, be cheerful, have the house spiffy (something baking or cooking, if possible) and ask questions about how work is going for him (he likes to talk about his work). I never bring up "relationship" issues and when he leaves I always tell him to be careful or take care. I empathize when he tells me things are rough at work. I offer words of support, i.e., "I'll bet that's hard on you . . ." "I hope things get better soon." etc. <P>So far, I haven't received much positive response. Today, though, when I called and told him I was worried about him working in the cold (and possible snow) he told me "thank you." That was a big deal for me! He liked that I cared about his comfort and well-being. I know it doesn't sound like much, but it's an itty bitty step in a positive direction. In a few weeks, if things keep going okay during his quick visits and my occasional phone calls, I'm thinking of getting up the nerve to invite him for dinner. I don't think he's ready to consider it right now, so we'll see how that goes.<P>Lora, I know how hard it is. The first while is the hardest and, if you're anything like me, you'll still have hard days now and then. Mine are getting fewer and far between, but they still come along. Like I've been advised by the good people here at MB, I have been working on ME. Even that has been hard when sometimes I'm so sad about what is happening, but I still try. It's getting better all the time.<P>Hang in there, Lora. If I can do it, you can, too.<P><P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers,<BR>KristyAnn

KristyAnn,<BR>I posted to you on my money thread. I think you are doing great! Did you start the calls or did he contact you once he had left? I hate to be the first to contact him, and want to give him time, but I do think plan a means Keeping in a little contact too, and if Steve told you to write and call.....<BR>I guess I should call for another session with Steve, but money is a little tight now that I am paying for everything.<P>Lora

Dear Lora,<P>I waited until he called me first -- he called to come and pick up his mail. Waiting was pure torture, but I think it was the best thing to do. Even now, I don't call him very much and when I do I usually try to have a reason -- one that doesn't sound too contrived. I always try to sound cheerful, and once the conversation begins, I'm usually happy to hear his voice and I don't have to pretend. If I get his voice mail, I leave a cheerful message about why I called, never asking him to call me back -- no pressure -- just relaying a message and hope you have a great day.<P>At the very beginning, he was very distant and cold -- even hostile. He seems to be feeling more relaxed around me now. He's figured out I'm not on the attack and I'm not going to start nagging him about anything. When we get in to the chatty part of our conversation, he actually seems to enjoy it. But, there is still nothing very committed about his attitude -- he's still standoffish and doesn't want physical contact with me. At least we can have a friendly conversation. I really have no idea what is going through his mind -- THAT makes it hard, too, not knowing how he feels about me.<P>So that, with the quick-stops and the weekly card/note, sums up my Plan A. In the meantime, I'm busting my butt with my business and trying to keep busy and find fun things to do. My primary focus has been on my faith -- God is ALWAYS faithful and NEVER breaks His promises! <P><P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers,<BR>KristyAnn