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#887085 09/21/00 07:32 PM
Joined: Aug 2000
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Rick37 Offline OP
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If you read my most recent posting, you know that I discovered alot of details about my wifes OM relationship. She ways "I'm doing nothing wrong" (maybe still fantasizes that I don't really know?). She is out almost every night quite late (with him of course). Doesn't spend alot of time with the kids. Yesterday, they baked on the floor (imagine the mess) while she spent most of the day writing a sickening email to OM...but she claimed it was just while she was in shower. One look tells you it took a long time.<P>I'm sure it would be an LB, but should I talk about this anyway?

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Rick,<P>Yes, you need to tell her. Honesty is still the best policy. You need to tell her what you know. At this point it won't make any difference if she is angry, the affair needs to be brought to the light of day. Your Plan A will have more effect when she knows you are doing it inspite of knowing all you know.<P>About the email access, you won't need it any longer. You know all you need to know now, and you can always find ways of getting a new password if she switches.<P>It is time to put the cards on the table.<P>Hope this helps.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

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Rick, My H also said the "i'm not doing anything wrong" thing....to his mom of all people. But, I think in the "fog" they believe they are NOT doing anything wrong. If it feel right (so good) it must not be wrong. Fate I guess.<P>I kept referring about the situation to my H as the "affair" or the "situation". He wouldn't confirm it or deny it...except for the physical aspects. I guess he felt that if he kept denying the physical part it wasn't really happening. I don't know. <P>If someone (eg. counselor) asked him about the OP. He would say "I said I am not talkig about "her"""<P>I kept thinking that the affair had hit the light of day because I kept referring to it. But i really think he was still lying to himself.<P>Unfortunately, in my H's case a pregnancy resulted....and he couldn't deny it to anyone anymore. He also couldn't blame me anymore because there is now growing evidence that I had nothing to do with.<P>I'm thinking this is the biggest "light of day" there is. <P>I do think the more evidence you can show them.....that this is indeed an affair....the better to take away some of the illusion for them. <P>For me it helped also because then I didn't have to doubt myself anymore. It got to the point that even though I "knew" what was going on...I was still saying to myself. Well maybe it is just me and the marraige. Maybe he and OP are just good coworker friends. Somehow it helped ME accept it more for what it was and that enabled me to detach from it. <P>I believe that you must try to say what you say as calmly as you can. Although I did and my H still got into his angry "possessed" pose and somehow I was interpreted as flying off the handle. I guess they have to see it how they have to see it. But I still would go ahead and say it.<P>I would keep saying "I know that OP is NOT the problem, but the "affair" hurts me and is a complicating factor for us trying to deal with our problems." I also told him that I realized My part in allowing this to happen.... But like S Harley told me...they will hear very little until (and if) they are ready. I think sometimes I sounded like a broken record. but I said it calmly and made him aware that I knew what was up.<P>Good luck.

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I agree with Just learning. Honesty is always the best policy. At the end of the day, I think it is dishonesty that leads to the demise of most marriages.<P>Try not to be confrontational but be honest in a loving way. Tell her your concerns. She might not hear them now but you still need to be honest with her. If you ever come the the point where you need to make a final decision about this, you can at the very least say to yourself that you were always honest with her.<P>By telling her, you are keeping here aware of how you feel and what your marriage needs to work. She may not choose to respond now, but you really should give her the opportunity to do so. By not telling her you are depriving her of an opportunity to turn things around. <P>When push comes to shove as it has in my case, it is easier when you know you have given your spouse every opportunity to join you in your efforts to rebuild your marriage. <P>Does that make sense?<P>Acacai<P>


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