... the most preposterous thing I have ever seen mascarade as "separation agreement."<P>1) It has my name wrong - not just a typo - the wrong first name... <P>2) It has my date of marriage wrong... the wrong year.<P>3) It contains language that I will NEVER agree to under any circumstances, such as that the separation is due to "disputes and unhappy differences" and that we both agree that we don't want to live together.<P>4) It indicates that we will live separate and apart as if unmarried, yet requires that I continue his health insurance coverage through my job.<P>5) It specifies that he doesn't have to pay me ANYTHING (even after I specifically told him that I want money).<P>6) It specifies that I am to be responsible for my own attorney's fees.<P>I composed a response to the lawyer which is not particularly nice or complimentary:<P>Dear ______ :<P>Thank you for your time in preparing what has to be the most preposterous document I have ever had occasion to read. I am referring to the laughable document prepared by you and sent to. The same document to which you referred as a "Separation Agreement" requesting that I sign and return it to you.<P>Apparently, you have not examined much, if any of the facts of the matter of my marriage to ____________. If you had, you would be aware that my legal name is NOT _______, and that my marriage did not take place in ______. Also, it is apparent that my husband, _____ did not share with you the fact that I have no wish to be divorced, or that you chose to ignore that factor in the preparation of this document. I have, in fact, offered many times over the last two years to reconcile and continue the life we had planned together until his illicit involvement with ___________.<P>At the current time, I see no need for me to present these worthless papers to any attorney for review. I am returning them to you unsigned. You may inform _______, if you so choose, that your incompetence has seriously delayed the filing of an agreement of any kind.<P>Should _______ choose to have a new agreement drawn up, I would require that much of what is written in this one not be included in it. One specific point: I refuse to sign anything stating that I am in agreement of any "need" or "desire" for separation, or that our separation is due to disputes and unhappy differences. I do, indeed, have a desire to resume living together as husband and wife, as I do not believe our marriage is irretrievably broken. I would, in fact, welcome the requirement of joint counseling in any separation agreement I might consider in the future. Additionally, I would require that any attorney's fees that I might have to incur in this process of unwanted separation be ______'s responsibility. I am not seeking this action and because I am not, I will not be held responsible for the expense of it in any fashion.<P>One further point: ______ made many promises to me over the course of our marriage and specifically over the last few years. Before he moved out of our apartment, he made specific promises of monetary support. I believe he should live up to those promises he made at that time, since I have nearly 85% of the same expenses now as when he lived here, yet have only half of the income with which to meet those expenses. If there must be a separation, and I do not believe there must be one, then I believe it is only fair that he live up to the promises he made me when he was still here.<P>Sincerely,<P>(I put my first and middle initials and my last name here - let the attorney do some actual work for his pay and find out what my real legal first name is)<P>The attorney, from what I have heard from a good friend, has a rather questionable reputation as far as competency - and I can certainly see why. What a MORON. Look in the dictionary next to the word INCOMPETENCE and you will probably see this guy's picture. <P>What kind of lawyer tells his client stuff like: "No judge in New York state will force you to remain married if you don't want to be" (not true at all - apparently, if they cannot prove "fault" it is quite possible that a judge would deny the divorce) AND "Find out what your wife is going to do" (That's the lawyer's job, isn't it?)<P>And what kind of lawyer prepares legal documents without finding out if the NAMES and CIRCUMSTANCES he is attempting to use are correct? What an [censored] - that's all I can say. If it wasn't so stinking depressing, I probably would have laughed. As it is, the only thing I was inspired to do was to write the above response.<P>Any opinions on the letter? This is a bunch of hogwash. I'm tired of other people running my life for me ...<P>(Hoping that my ranting on the phone to my friend and my raving here on the forum will release enough tension for me to actually sleep tonight!)<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

One other thing I was just thinking of... I never did get to send/deliver the letter I had written. Maybe this is why... I think I need to deliver that letter in the next few days - when he would have to be sure that I received the document. It makes more sense to me now than ever!<P>OK, one MORE other thing ... You know, even after receiving this - I am not angry with him - I'm angry with the stupid lawyer... Matter of fact, I'm angry with ALL divorce lawyers who are on the side of the wrongER (to differentiate from the side of the wrongED!).<P>I need a hug. <BR><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Good on you Terri ! Do not let yourself be pushed into anything more than you already have been ! I am so proud of you ! Egad Terri, I can't believe that H is passing you up for the slug ! Is he insane ? Don't answer that. (sorry, shouldn't have said it)<P>------------------<BR>Deb<P>Hepatitis C, Please educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In" TARGET=_blank>http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In</A> memory of a very dear friend <A HREF="http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp" TARGET=_blank>http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp</A>

Thanks, Deb ... Actually, I'm glad that the document is crap - if it hadn't started out with the envelope addressed to the wrong first name, I probably would have fallen apart instead of getting PO'd...<P>I think I can go to sleep now. <P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

((((((((terri))))))))<BR>Dear terri, I love your response! It is wonderful, truly wonderful.<BR>However, I think it is sort of like the letters some of us have written to the OWs. I would not send it. Only, and I repeat, ONLY because it can be used against you later. It certainly is valid, but maybe not the best thing to send to an attorney. <BR>Maybe would just state that the document is so flawed that you are not wiling to sign it. Let h and him do the work of straightening out the mess, figuring out what is wrong!<BR>((((((((((terri))))))))))

terri,<P>the letter was great. i did tell my husband that i would not agree to a divorce and that he would have to drag me kicking and screaming to the court house because I would never sign anything. don't even acknowledge it. tell him you got it and will not agree to it. make him do all the dirty work. these are his joices and he shold live with the consequences.<P>cleo<P>p.s. don't forget to be as sweet as can be, of course.

Hi Terri -<P>Sorry that you got this in the mail, but am glad that it was so ridiculous that it took the focus from the pain to some anger......<P>I have to agree with CL.....don't antagonize or send anything that can be used against you. <P>State the facts, don't offer emotion - especially since the attorney means nothing to you. Don't let him know that he is incompetent - you don't want him to improve now, do ya?<P>This Separation Agreement is severely flawed and unacceptable.<P>How did you sleep?<P>BIG HUGS, I know that this hurts....but it will go the way it is supposed to - for you and H!! Nothing is cast in stone, remember that OK......<P>Sheba<P>

Well ... I don't know if what I just did is a good thing or a bad thing.<P>I just called my husband at work, which is the only place I can call him, to let him know I had received the separation agreement and that I was not going to sign it. Turns out that he DID tell the lawyer the incorrect information (where he got the idea that my first name was anything but what it IS is beyond me). I also told him the other reasons I was not going to sign it, and he told me that I would have to write something up. I told him no, I do not have to write anything. Then he told me that I would have to talk to the lawyer. I told him that I am not going to - that this is his problem. He said, no it's not, it's yours. I repeated that it was his problem and said that I do not want a separation or a divorce and therefore I was not going to sign anything that stated otherwise. He got annoyed and said that after a year I would have no choice anyway. I told him that is not true (particularly if I don't sign for a legal separation). He got more annoyed and said, "so, I guess you won't sign anything." And I responded, "I guess not, if it is going to say that I agree that I don't want to be with you." I don't remember exactly what he said next - something about what is he supposed to do - he can't keep having the lawyer write stuff up and then I won't sign it. I told him that he could easily solve the whole thing, and he asked me how. I said he could try to make the marriage work. That went over like a rock. He sounded annoyed and frustrated, however, not really angry. <P>But you know, I can't help it. I am not going to pretend that I am ok with this just to make it easier for him to get it over with. Truth is not a love buster unless you try to force it down someone's throat - and all I did was calmly state what I feel and think.<P>So, what's next? I cannot even afford a consultation with a lawyer... and I am not kidding even a little bit. I am so behind on my bills and I have even bounced a few checks lately, which is very upsetting to me... I will need one sooner or later - I don't think he is going to give up on this, and I just can't give him his way on it, much as I would like to remain on good terms with him. I am not trying to screw him over - neither of us HAS anything (well, that's not entirely true - he has a 1980 Jaguar and a 1999 sport bike... I have a 90 LeMans ... whose stuff do you think is worth more?). I don't WANT anything but him.<P>And now I'm afraid that slug will decide she needs to get in on this again... especially now that she has a car and can get around on her own without him knowing where she might be.<P>:: why does this stuff always have to screw up my weekends????<P>Thanks all for the advice. I think I will not even respond to the lawyer at all.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Hi Terri -<P>You're right....truth is not a Lovebuster if it is stating your opinions on a matter. You don't have to agree with him against your beliefs as a part of Plan A.<P>I think that it is good that you told him your thoughts on this....he may not like it, but that is his to work out - and yes, he may seem ticked at you for a bit....especially if slug hears about it.<P>Not for you to worry about......<P>You are only staying the course that you have so diligently followed all along - nothing about this is new!! He is just going to react on the pressures from slug........inside he knows that you are continuing to love and believe in him.<P>In the meantime, don't let every conversation you have with him be about this legal stuff......do whatever you can not to mix it with your normal relationship with him at this point.<P>If he shows that he is going to be irritated with this.....I agree that this is a good lead in to the Plan B letter. I would revamp it to include how you are not trying to be difficult or upset him, but that this is how you feel and being that you don't want to any ill feelings happening it is better to have no contact...blah, blah....<P>What do you think?<P>About the lawyer.....don't you work at a college? Is there a legal department? If not, how about another school? Or even legal aid can advise you.....<P>Quite a few lawyers will give free initial legal consultations.....check some out. It isn't like you need the best, since there isn't too much to go crazy about as far as assets.....<P>That will work out....don't fret about it too much. I did and it got me nowhere but mentally paralized!!!!<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba<P>PS - I would think that you have to respond to these papers in some way, no? Even just to say unacceptable?<p>[This message has been edited by Sheba (edited September 22, 2000).]

Sheba,<P>Thanks for the response. I go back and forth right now between being devastated that my husband doesn't even know what my real first name is and worrying about how I can possibly pay for a lawyer, since the next thing he will probably do will be to actually file for divorce. And then I go back and forth between passive resistance and - what alternative? I don't know if I can do the whole "divorce as friends" thing - this is just so WRONG to me. I do need to make sure he knows that I am not resisting simply to make this unpleasant for him, but that it is what I must do because of what I believe in and how I feel.<P>And now, a few more comments about the absurdity of this document they call a separation agreement. Throughout the document, we are each referred to as "husband" and "wife" - yet the document is basically an agreement to act divorced while still being legally married. How incredibly absurd! And the use of the word "covenants" in this document which essentially is designed to nullify the most important "covenant" in our lives - well that just makes me feel ill.<P>You know, even though I am hardly a great Christian, I keep thinking about how tremendously arrogant it is for anyone to believe it is right to actually provide such a legal vehicle allowing spouses to act divorced while still married. Just last weekend, I watched two people so much like my husband and myself once were, vow to love, honor and cherish one another as long as they both shall live. And, when the vows were spoken, the priest said "What God has joined together, let no man put asunder." The slug was the first "man" to violate this, my husband, of course, as well, and now, a lawyer, to whom I am only a name (and a wrong name at that) has joined the group of "men" - and later, perhaps, a judge will join this ever growing group...<P>And, finally, if this should go to court, how can the court accept the oath of a man who already has a history of violating vows and oaths? What irony that is!<P>Way too philosophical for a late and lonely Friday evening,<BR><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

terri -- Let me begin by telling you how sorry I am for you. Personally, I agree with your comments concerning the absurdity of the whole "divorce" process. Unfortunately, and I mean that very sincerely, the betraying spouse can sleep with the entire town, on public TV, then walk into court and lie about, and there is absolutely nothing the betrayed spouse can do about it.<P>It sucks.<P>I do want to repeat what Sheba told you though. Seek out a way to at least get some legal advice. If your H is going to continue on this track, you have to be prepared to defend yourself.<P>Thoughts and prayers are going out to you.<P>God Bless

Thank you, ES. I really hate this. I just want to ignore the entire thing, but I know I can't. I will see if I can find someone who will at least give me a free initial consultation - but with my job right now, it's not like I have a lot of time to even do the foot work to find someone...<P>It's really not fair that my entire life, which has finally started to settle down in many other ways, has to be completely disrupted by this stupidity. I know I've said this before, but he doesn't even have legitimate grounds for divorce in our state.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Terri,<BR>I know that I usually bombard you with long posts and I am sure that this won't be any different but I hope that you will forgive me but I have a suspicion or two about this.<P>If you will please bear with me I would like to tell you a story about my H and myself. When we were separated I didn't want a divorce either. He kept saying that he did and that he was sure about that... yadda yadda yadda.<P>Anyway, one day he came and we were getting along really well and believe it or not the OW did too. And she didn't like, she added pressure to him to get things done in all sorts of ways. The subject came up about divorce and I simply stated to him that I didn't want a divorce and that I wasn't going to help him get one. That I would not do any legwork, I wouldn't file, and I wouldn't say that I did. That if he wanted a divorce that he would have to get it himself but that I wasn't going to make it easy on him by doing it for him but that if that was what he really wanted, that I wouldn't stand in his way either.<P>He was a little annoyed also but come to find out later {which as ya know hindsight is 20/20} he told the other woman that I wasn't going to give him a divorce and that I had said that I wouldn't make it easy on him and that I would fight it and make things very ugly!<P>Which is not what I said at all! Sure he used some of my words but he took it completely out of context of how they were said. <P>My point is this....<P>Of course your H knows your name, and I also believe that he knew that you wouldn't sign any paper saying that you agreed and wanted a "D". <P>I also think that the OW has also picked up on the fact that you guys had been getting along pretty good and is also putting pressure on him just as the OW in my H's life did.<P>You see in my case, my H telling the OW that I would not make things easy on him and that I would not give him a "D", took him off of the hot seat a little so to speak. <P>In your case, I wouldn't be afraid to bet that she is also applying some pressure and that he thinks that him making this move will help get him out of the hot seat a little too.<P>Look at the facts here.... <P>This was like a bolt out of the blue for you. Out of character considering how things were going for the two of you. I think that the name thing was sorta like a "loophole" mechanism, just in case on the off chance you did sign.<P>I'd also be willing to bet that if you listen closely... you will be able to hear "HER" words coming out of his mouth instead of yours.<P>I know that this is kinda long but I would like to tell you one more thing about my experience and what my H said.<P>I am not sure what it is but for some reason I don't think that WS's have much backbone as far as standing up to the OP and telling them that it is over and that they are returning to their BS's.<P>There was an incident between my H and myself that made me see RED. And as a result, I confronted the OW and really showed my *SS and some things be known to her. I figured that I had slit my own throat in terms of my H but to my surprise I didn't do that at all, as a matter of fact I did quite the opposite.<P>We talked later and I had told him that I was so crazy and insane that I had even entertained the idea that he had taunted me into showing my *ss to help him get out of this mess!<P>I learned from him that was exactly what he was trying to do!!!!!! And that he didn't know how to get out of this relationship, because she wouldn't let him go. <P>He was also worried about me and us. He ws afraid to come back because he didn't trust himself not to hurt me again. He had lost all faith in himself. He loved me but he was afraid of hurting me and thus in his own strange, twisted little way was willing to give up on us just to protect me from himself.<P>Now... I don't want to give you any false hopes or anything like that. But I would like for you to just think about things and try to disassociate yourself from the facts and see if this at all seems to make more sense than anything else.<P>If it does... then I would suggest that you address the possibility.<P>In my case, I became my H's safe haven away from the OW. With me, he again began to feel safe. It was strange because at first he ran from me and felt safe with the OW, but then the tables turned and he was running from her to me. So, I guess in a way I became the OW.<P>I know this has been long but more and more, I feel like our situations are very simular. I would really be interested in knowing what you think and if you think that this senerio could be a possibility in your case as well.<P>Genie

Genie,<P>I read your reply to Terri and I would very much like to know your stats:<P>~How long you were separated?<P>~How long you Plan A'd?<P>~How long aft the separation you realized your H was coming around to wanting you/the marriage back?<P>~Did you ever go to Plan B?<P>~How long the affair lasted?<P>I appreciate your help and info.<P>Thanks Genie!<P>Jo

Genie, Interesting stuff. Actually, I had thought about the idea that he had even subconsciously gotten the date of our marriage wrong - and that he had possibly done the name thing on purpose. He knows exactly how long we have been married - he has always remembered that even better than I have, for some reason.<P>He knew I wanted money, he knew I didn't want anything in there that would say I "wanted" or was in agreement with anything resembling permanent separation or divorce. It would make sense in a lot of ways that the stuff in there was designed so that I wouldn't sign it.<P>However, I hesitate to even entertain that thought... I have been kicked so many times right in the face (figuratively speaking) - and I've never seen it coming. It is not a good feeling and I really would prefer not to experience it anymore...<P>All I can do is listen to all of you, weigh that along with what is happening, what I feel, what I see and what I believe, and make my choices on my own. That is all any of us can do.<P>Thanks for the "pep talk," Genie - I actually needed that. Knowing about the experiences of others is important in making educated decisions.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

One more thing on the "suspicious" angle of this stuff...<P>Several times when we have talked with regard to this issue, he has mentioned that after a year I "won't have any choice" in what happens if we get a legal separation. I had initially taken it as a threat, but now I wonder if it isn't a "warning" instead ... by that I mean he might be making sure that I know that if I sign a separation agreement I cannot contest a divorce after 12 months. As opposed to refusing to sign divorce papers, in which case there would have to be a trial, and there would be a possibility that he wouldn't get his divorce at all.<P>He has given me such mixed messages that I am confused as to what it is he is really trying to say. But the reason for a divorce "It's been 2 years and nothing has changed" is not only silly, but it sounds like the stupidity of the slug.<P>Yes, her words and his lawyer's words have been coming out of his mouth - not his own. This I am certain of.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

OK, one MORE thing with regard to your response, Genie:<P>The only thing I have never done is to stand up to HER. While I still believe it would be a bad move to directly confront her, I have to stop allowing her existence to affect anything that I do. I have avoided the donut shop where she works, even though I don't LIKE the other shop, and even though I count the owners of the place she works at among my closer acquaintences. Last Sunday a friend of mine was having a crisis, so when we were together (my friend and I) she wanted to get some coffee - and she wanted to go to the shop where slug works. I didn't think she would be there, but something made me stride confidently and cheerfully across the parking lot and in the door. Guess who was working? And guess who almost had to wait on me? I smiled and was cheerful and friendly with the other wait person who helped me, and strode confidently and cheerfully out the door and across the parking lot to the car.<P>THAT is what I need to do. I need to stop allowing her the power to determine where and when I go ... That will be the closest I will go toward provoking a confrontation - If there is to be any confrontation, it will be started by her - and if there are no witnesses, I will ignore her and walk away. If there are, I will be sure to be as sweet and nice as I am to a stranger. She is not worth the energy and toxins that anger spills into my body... I am TERRI ... and she is slug. LOL!!!<P>There, I feel better now! <P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Terri,<BR>I really hope that things work out for you and your H.... I really really do. My thoughts and prayers are with girl. Hang in there you are doing fine.<P>Resilient,<BR>I will be glad to answer your questions but I will tell you this. You really can't base my time frames against yours. Although this roller coaster ride we call infidelity has many simularities, they are also different in each case too. But here ya go.<P>The affair started in the month of October '98, Discovery was in November of '98 and separation immediately followed as I threw him out. We were separated by means of residence {although there was still an on & off physical relationship} until late March or early April of '99. That is when we started living together again but affair continued somewhat. My H was what we call here addicted and had a very bad case of withdrawl. Although I knew it was continuing, it didn't come out in the open until Mother's Day '99. That was when my H had a breakdown upon catching OW with OM. And realizing what a fool he had been and was able to wash his hands of her for good and really commit himself completely to repairing our marriage. After that, the "real" recovery began.<P>It has been a hard road, and there was lots of fear and resentment that I had to overcome and as far as trust... I didn't think that I could ever get that back. I still wouldn't say that it has been completely restored but it gets a little better as time goes along but it does definately take a long time.<P>Now, we are much better. I still have my days but I don't let him know it as it causes problems for him and me in the long run and since it passes, its better not to bring it up and cause even more resentment. Will this ever happen again? I don't know but I sure hope not but it is a chance that you take. A leap of faith if you will. But I can tell you one thing with 100% certainty, if it ever did.... I would never take that leap of faith with him again by no means.<P>There was one thing that the OW said to me that has stuck with me ever since....<P>"Do me wrong once --- Shame on you!!<BR>Do me wrong twice --- Shame on me!!"<P>For my H it has been several times and as far as I am concerned he would never ever get another chance. <P>At the beginning when I found myself alone. I was scared, lonely, depressed and felt as if my life was over and I would never be happy without him. How can I make it without him, I loved him so much and he was such a big part of my life. It was like my innerbeing had been snatched away and I didn't know how to cope without him. But towards the end.... I started having a life of my own, and enjoying things without him. My identity was one of myself again instead of me and him. It was actually becoming pretty enjoyable and I was beginning to really move on and be ok with it too.<P>But I did still love him... and when he had his breakdown, I couldn't turn my back on him. I can remember thinking when he said he wanted me and that he wanted to make our marriage better.... that I am not so sure that I want that anymore. I thought; I like not having to answer to anyone else, I like not feeling like I have to do something if I don't want to. And I was intensly afraid of taking a chance on him again. But this was my children's father and he needed me, how could I turn him away. It was hard in alot of ways but the best advice I could ever give anybody is that if it is meant to be, it will be and if it is not you will be better off and you will find happiness. That I can guarantee.<P>Genie

Terri,<BR>From an outsiders point of view... I think this is very very interesting!!! I can't help but think that there is alot that you don't know but soon will. As far as the donut shop....{b] YOU GO GIRL!!!!! [/b]<P>You should be extremely proud of yourself. I didn't mean that I thought that you should confront the slug by any means, I hope I didn't give you that impression. But for me it was just one of those things where I felt... the consequences be damned!! I was just that enraged at the time by the stunt and lie that I had just caught my H in and the way that he has used me to provide a slutty evening with the *****. <P>It just turns out that it was definately to my advantage. I think it helped him see that I wasn't so weak and that I still had a little spunk left in me for him...lol.<P>I will have to admit that for a long time I didn't look upon your situation as being very optimistic but now... I don't know. Something just seems very different.<P>I can't remember when you said that you went to the donut shop or if anything had really happened or occured since then but I will tell you this.... It will have an affect on her and I will bet you that she will LB as a result.<P>That's ok Terri.... just let her LB all she wants. Let her be *****y, suspicious, insecure, demanding and pushy with him.... he won't take it to much longer.<P>I kinda think that your H may be doing some simular things as my H did. I think that he is basically testing you some. I suspect that he can't imagine that you could really and truly want him back after all that has happened, after all that he has done, after all this time and after all the things that he has done to hurt you. <P>I would say that if this is true and he is testing you, trying to drag his feet, and all of that.... I think he is probably having issues with his own sense of worthiness.<P>Just a thought. I am still thinking of you often and checking in. BE strong Terri... you can do it, you have come this far and I really don't think that the fat lady has sung yet!!! <P>Genie

I think he filed for legal separation and not divorce because he is not ready for a divorce.<P>You are doing a good job at handeling it Terri.<P>Wanna know something scary. You can get divorced by default. Your spouse can just come home one day and say we are divorced.<P>I found this out by looking into divorce laws in our state. You can try to see if it is applicable in any of your states by typing in "<your state> State Divorce Laws on your search engine. The divorce can take place by default and in 6 short months you are no longer married. I was outraged when I saw that.<P>I reccomend "Google.com" for a search engine if you want to look into your own state.<P>Hang in there girl.