okay, as some of you know my h has been working out of town for many years, home one weekend a month, after years of begging him to look for a job in town and him promising to do so..and never doing it. I had many EA's over the years because H hasn't been around and when I'd try and talk to him if he was here he'd get up and walk out of the room, because it "wasn't getting him sex" other times he'd just drink the entire weekend away..when I'd try to talk to him over the phone he'd be drinking so I couldn't talk to him..I'd try to explain that his drinking triggered memories in me about my past childhood abuse..and he'd just say "don't compare me to your dad" and walk away..so now..I've gotten to the point where I just want it over with and I want out...I told him<BR>in March I had an PA this past Dec. and he's continued to be gone..Not calling very often, not communicating..we went to a counselor she asked for him to come back alone..I told him then I need communication..I need for us to TALK..but he hasn't even done that..so I had continued to talk to OM..asking him the same type of questions I'd e-mail H and ask him..<BR>H would just respond w/ I don't know..and not think about the questions..OM would think about them..and answer them..NOW H wants to come home and work on a marriage he has said has never even existed..I don't know even know him..He's never trusted me Not even before we married..he says he married me because "he felt He was ALL I needed and I wouldn't need anyone else in my life" I have a couple men friends from my childhood that I keep in touch with we have been friends for over twenty years..one of them I almost married when I was 17 and my mom said your to young..wait a few years and if you really love each other then you'll still love each other in a few years..so we ended up not getting married..but we've remained friends..<BR>the other he and I have never "dated" but have been close friends all these years..H has never wanted to meet them or try to get to know them..When my friends father died he called me, and asked me if I could go down and help him pack up the house, so I went..H was out of town working..so I went..took my kids out of school and drove the hour and half to be there for my friend..(I'd have done the same thing for a female friend) but because it was a MALE friend H thinks it was more than that..<P>But, my question is..Now that I have gotten to the point where I just can't take it anymore..H decided okay he wants to come home and try..should I let him?? I mean..I don't know him..I don't love him...I do care about him yes..but I am not in love w/ this man..<BR>so what do you think? Any advice? I mean I don't know that he has quit drinking..I don't know that he will not continue to verbally abuse me..and I don't trust him not to..but should I at least try..(He still hasn't actually looked for another job..the company he is looking into going to work for isn't even based here in town, they just have one job they are doing here starting next month<BR>and then he'd be traveling again) I just don't know what to do..any suggestions???<BR>

I wish I felt like I had some advice to give...<P>If he wants to come home, is he willing to go to counseling for the marriage and/or the verbal abuse issues? Is he willing to stop drinking?<P>Otherwise, I think I'd be very cautious...<P>

Thorned,<P>Have you expressed your feelings to your H?<BR>I would wonder why he had the sudden turnaround. Has he said why this is suddenly so important to him?<P>Is he coming back to your town, or will he still keep "away" job?

<P>Kam,<BR> He went to 4 sessions of counseling before<BR>and decided he didn't need it, she told him<BR>he had a problem with alcohol when he told her how much he drinks..(but he still doesn't see it as a problem)<P>Dynamo,<P> Yes, I have expressed my feelings to him<BR>in e-mails, since I know that he won't be<BR>drinking at work thats the only time I know<BR>that it will maybe get through. And No, he hasn't said why all of a sudden it's important to him..other than he doesn't want a divorce.<BR>The job he's looking into is a local job, but the company is out of town and they travel just as the one he works for now does. He says.."But, all there work is in the same state and not all over the country"<BR>So by that I figure he will continue to travel..After this job is finished. <P>I had sent him a letter before letting him know what some of my needs are,<P> 1.Someone who is a spiritual leader (one I can share my growth in Christ with and will share theirs with me)<BR>2. Someone who will share themselves with me<BR>their fears, hopes, dreams, desires, their childhood, there adult years from before we met, (not all the sexual details, but hey I know I'm not the first and thats okay)<BR>3. Someone I can laugh with and have fun with<BR>whether it be at home playing a game, watching a movie, or going out someplace..<BR>4. Someone who will hold me and not expect it to lead to sex all the time..<BR>5. Someone who I can cry with when I am hurting..and who can share and cry with me when they are hurting..<BR>6. Someone I can talk to about anything without fear of having it thrown back at me later.<BR>7. Someone who doesn't drink all the time, and who doesn't NEED to drink to relax..<BR>(I don't mind an occassional night out dancing and having a couple drinks)<BR>8. Someone who will share the responsiblities<BR>around the home.<BR>9.Someone who will play with the kids and spend time with them. <P>He did respond back to that one saying "maybe you should marry a preacher" <P>I had told him that we should try dating, and get to know each other..and he asked me out for the following friday night..then I didn't hear from him all week, until that friday..<BR>when he called to say.."he'd been sick the past few days, and still wasn't feeling good, so he couldn't make into town to take me to dinner" then he asked me if I could transfer some money to his account so that he can pay his rent up there because he was broke..and he couldn't afford to pay it. And he can't come home so he's homeless, and broke..then he says that he can't afford to pay his rent and take me to dinner..so I don't know which one it was..but he could afford to go out and buy his beer cause he was drunk when he called..He hasn't asked me out since..(I told him I didn't have the money)but he "found" the money somewhere to pay his rent..<P>He called me again today asking for money..saying he needs it so he can get a place to stay the next two weeks while he is in town on vacation since I won't let him come home and stay...<P>

Thorned,<P>Wow. Sounds like you are really clear about where you want to be, but he doesn't have a clue for whatever reason.<P>This has got to be a tough time for you. It doesn't sound like there is a lot there to repair, and that he may not have as much of an interest in the marriage as he does in having a home base that he can plug into for sex and money. Sorry to sound so harsh, but I don't get the impression that much would be different if he were back in your life.<P>Maybe some counciling for you would help you work through it. Some marriages just flat don't work, and the spouses need to get on with their lives and find the things that will bring them peace and happiness.<P>You sound solid. You at least know what you want...what would make you happy. You are also willing to express it plainly. And your needs are certainly NOT unreasonable. <P>If this doesn't work out, there are plenty of men on the planet that can love you the way you need. Stay strong, stay here on MB and keep reading, if your marriage can't be improved, you certainly can gain more strength and inner peace here.<P>God Bless,<P>DM

I guess I am just frustrated..because I don't know anymore if I want to try..I am tired of trying to compete w/ a job and alcohol..another woman would be much easier I think...

Thorned Rose<P>I am so sorry for your pain. I know what it is, to a degree, to deal with the job and the drinking.<P>My H is not a lush or addicted to a job on the road, like a traveling salesman might be, but I am familiar with the feelings it provokes.<P>My H accepted a job about 4 years ago that was a top sales position, and it included a LOT of traveling. He never told me about this "new" job. He just said he was getting a promotion and a company car as the raise. and what color do I want? I would have liked to be in on it. He must have already been a little unhappy at home then, and not known it.<P>Since then he was out of town more than he was in. The kids were feeling rejected and mobbing him as he returned, which he did not like. I was definately feeling that way, too. Except the kids always got priority over my time. <P>When home he drank a lot. I could not even remember the last weekend that he wasn't drunk all weekend. No Se* for me. Then he started to miss it, and I kind of withheld it because I was mad at all the times he was drunk and I idn't get any!<P>We drifted a long like that for years, with me building up all kind of resentment, him not talking about feelings or needs, me demanding that he did--whcih pushed him even further away! <P>He gave up the fight, that he never entered, and fell into the A. That was all she wrote as far as I was concerned. For 16 mos I was oblivious to the truth, I only knew that our marriage was intolerable and I was ready for getting out!<P>Then 7 weeks ago I found out about the A, and it is long distance, and have been trying to plan A. But I must admit, I am not giving him the space, because he won't come to any decision what so ever. So he just sits day after day of the fence.<P>Imagine, I was ready to D through my unhappiness(which eventually had to be medicated) and as soon as I found out it wasn't a medical condition, or a drunken condition, that we were not intimate, I decided to hold on! I do love him and we are working--sideways, as I call it.<P>Has anyone ever told you about Alynon? It is for people who's lives have been affected by alchoholics(parents, husbands, children or friends of Alc.) It is support, and a way to forgive them for their sins against you(abuse, verbal, low esteem, etc.) which you had no control over, and forgiving them. It teaches you how to "let go with Love." It is a kind of 12-step program. There is one for just about everything!<P>I am no expert, though I have read a few books on it. But I am working on my Codependency issue first. I am taking care of me, and my personal imrovements first. I will probably go there next after I am more comfortable in my recovery in C-D.<P>Enough of me, this is you. Try it. It is comforting to let God take the burden from you. And to forgive and get on with your life, which ever way he wants it to go.<P>If he wants to return, suggest AA, and you go to Alynon. heal yourselves first.

Dear Rose<P>I think B has sound advice for you. I am in no position to talk about the drinking but I can relate to the verbal abuse.<P>I married an abused orphan who would hurl abuse at me most of the time, only to calm down and be good when I began to withdraw from him. Unfortunately, people who come from abusive backgrounds (he did) either go on to abuse or keep taking the abuse in their marriages. Until it is too late...<P>Your situation seems very unsual in the sense that he is not very involved in the family or marriage - does he contribute to the family in monetary terms? Is he working because of the family? I also feel that many lonely men drink far too much - is there a way that you can enrol him in a AA group?<P>I gather that you have grown as a person and accepted your responsibilities and you both drifted apart because either he stopped growing in the marriage or you realised that your marriage is lacking in many aspects a healthy relationship has.<P>He is on the path to more deterioration, and he needs not only to recognise that but to let God do the miracle and change in him. You can pray for that and get him to attend a church.<P>I can say for sure that dealing with an OW is far worse in terms of the abused trust, the lies, the betrayal with another woman - the pain is indescribable because you cannot divorce yourself from the pain even if you divorce the man. I don't wish to compare because pain is relative to the personalities and their capacity to overcome. I am merely comforting you because you thought the bottle is more difficult than a woman to deal with.<P>May God Bless and Heal You<BR>Take care<BR>weep

burned and weep<P>My h was bombarded by the kids too, he would go out to his shed and drink and watch tv and push the kids away. It's been that way for years..they'd go out to talk to him and he'd tell them go away and wouldn't talk to them..<BR>now he's upset they don't want to talk to him..<P>We have a support group at church my counselor is trying to get me to go to it's called Third Options, from what I understand it's to help you move on and continue living your life..and not feel guilty because you are..<P>the only thing he does do is support the family financially..which is why I've stayed this long, because I've been a stay home mom since within the first year of our marriage. I got pregnant on our wedding night<BR>and I didn't go back to work after I had the baby..and I had an older daughter from another previous relationship, and when the second was 2 yrs I had a 3rd child..and he just started kindergarden this year..so for the past 8 years of our 9 yr marriage I've been staying home alone w/ kids..only to have help w/ them the weekend a month he was here..he took this job three months into the marriage, (didn't discuss it w/ me or anything, just came home and told me) and he's been gone since..2 yrs ago while he was working at one job it lasted an entire school year..so I packed the kids up and we went up there..he would get off work..drink..watch tv, go to bed..on weekends he'd go to work..come home and drink..we'd go out to dinner about once a week. Everytime I'd try and talk to him about things he would be drinking or if he wasn't he'd just get up and walk out of the room..so when school ended I packed up the kids and moved back here..I had come home one weekend for a friends wedding and left the kids w/ him..I called up there when I got home at 7 and he was drunk. He'd gotten mad about something (he's told me two or three different reasons as to why) and he put a hole in the wall. The kids were scared and I wasn't even there to protect them..or comfort them..(it was about a 5 hour drive so I couldn't just hop in the car and be there)<BR> I came home and started back to college, which was something I wanted to do for a few years, I put my oldest daughter in sports and my youngest daughter in dance..and I started going out and doing things making new friends, and such..he resents that. One of my bestfriends moved back here last summer and so her and I have been doing things together<BR>(she's a single mom) and he's jealous now that I have decided to go out and live life and not let it pass me by..<P>I got an e-mail from him the other day saying he was talking to someone about another job<BR>as I said..and I just said okay..I told him I wasn't all that excited about it..(because I refuse to get my hopes up AGAIN) he said he's trying to communicate w/ me, I asked him about what other than he has someone looking for him a job..and he comes back with well all your telling me is about ALL THE FUN YOUR HAVING DOING THIS AND THAT!! <BR>and I have been having fun..and I e-mailed him back and said YEAH FOR ME!! I am finally going out and doing things and not letting life pass me by sitting by the phone to talk to you like I've done for the past nine years..I told him, that No where does it say that I have to sit at home 24/7 waiting on the phone to ring where the kids and I can't go out and have fun..I'm sorry if you feel left out but thats not my fault!!! <BR>And he comes back w/ I resent how you are saying ALL of our problems are MY fault..<BR>(i never said that) but thats how he interpreted it..Oh well..he says that he thinks I just want to live single because I'm going out w/ my friends and doing things now<BR>that I never did before..<P>As far as Church..he hasn't gone to church in a long time..even when he was home..I'd get up to go when he was here and he'd make comments about how If I wouldn't go to church he'd stay another night..but if I was going to go to church then he would be gone when I got back so make sure I took the kids with me..and when I'd come home..he'd be gone..or if I stayed..we didn't do anything..he'd sit in front of the tv..or stay in bed..<P>our daughter was baptised last year..she'd asked him when he was going to be home so he could be there..he told her he'd be home for Thanksgiving..so we set up the baptism for that weekend..then he decided he wasn't going to be home..that he was just going to stay there and work..she went ahead w/ her baptism..I'd told her it was up to her, she could wait if she wanted to till dad was home..she just said.."well mom, I don't know when he's going to be home and this is something I want to do, and If I keep waiting for him to be here I'll never get it done"<BR>(She was 7 yrs old) I just cried inside..and it was a real wake up call for me about how I have put off so many things waiting on him to be here..<P>Sorry to ramble so much..just frustrated about it all..<BR>