We had a big fight last night after first therapy session. I told him I just can't take his word that the A is over after being lied to twice in the past. The A lasted about 8 months on and off. We separated in May 99 for various problems and during that time he met the OWH. He says she never meant anything to him and he was "filling a void left in him because I wasn't around". I discovered A in Nov. 99 at which time he promised it was over and asked for another chance. We continued living separate because we had things to work out. We kept fighting and I caught him at OW's home once again. I told him to forget everything i was going ahead with my divorce (which i had filed for upon discovering the A). As the final hearing date approached he calls me begging me to give it another chance and telling me it was definitely over this time (this was in April). He claims he didn't go to OW's home on a regular basis just once in awhile. He suffers from depression and a drinking problem. We tried moving back in together at that time and he confused all the details of his A to me. I know he never cheated on me before this, I do believe he loves me, all our family and friends can't believe he did this to me, most of our problems in the past have been due to his drinking and a power struggle we've had since day one. I thought I could deal with it but i guess i couldn't and we continued fighting, still no therapy. I asked him to move back out in Mid May. Now were separated, trying reconciliation with divorce on hold and in therapy. He is getting help for his depression and drinking also. My problem and the fight last night is because I can't find it in me to trust and believe in him. I want to really bad. I asked him for copies of his cell phone to see if he is still in contact with OW and he got upset and refused saying I need therapy with that and I'd just have to take his word on it. I told him if he felt that way then their was nothing left for us to discuss other than our sons and walked away. Was I wrong in asking for proof that the A is over? What other ways can he prove himself?

I don't know how he can prove it to you..<BR>I'm not even sure how to build trust in a<BR>relationship, other than just trusting them<BR>until they do something to prove you wrong..<BR>thats what I had always done..but then I always over looked all those little things<BR>that looking back I never should have trusted..I can't even trust my own instincts..let alone trust what someone else<BR>tries to tell me now..<P>To many broken promises for me to even know what to believe anymore..sorry.

Hi Confused Spouse -<P>Trust must be rebuilt...we can say we trust all we want, but until the doubts are gone (through his behaviors like accountability, overcoming drinking problem, closeness building between you both) complete trust is not going to happen.<P>If he wants trust....he must behave trustworthy!!! He must be willing to be an open book to you......<P>His refusal to show you something so innocent (apparantly) just keeps those doubts going.....<P>If he wants this marriage - what is he willing to do for it? Not enough to say that he loves and wants you - he has to act like it!!!!<P>Isn't the counselor telling him this?<P>Have you spoken with a Harley? Perhaps they can help on the counseling end.<P>There is no need to have fights with him about this....this is common sense. Perhaps if he were to realize what he would feel if the roles were reversed he would understand better and get rid of his fear of being controlled. The counselor can perhaps incorporate that "in the other's shoes" examining into the therapy. <P>You also have to let go of any controlling tendencies....we get married to be a team...equal partners....not one OVER the other. It's not a battlefield, where we need a general!!!! Perhaps the counselor can address that also.<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba<p>[This message has been edited by Sheba (edited September 22, 2000).]