My W filed for the big "D" this week. For some reason, I'm not depressed. It's been a few days, and still nothing.<P>I had a phone conversation with her last Sunday. She's planning on a trip to see the OM next month. She already thinks we're divorced just because she's already given up!<P>I told her I had lost all respect for her. She has apologized over and over again for the way she handled things (her "exit affair," the lies, etc), but she showed no regret or guilt about spending another weekend with him while we're still married. She says we're only married "on paper" and that doesn't count.<P>I told her I couldn't respect anyone who knows what they're doing is wrong, yet continues to do it.<P>I found out we really have different values. Her values changed the moment she decided she wasn't happy in our marriage. She had been cheated on before, had her heart broken, didn't believe in divorce, the whole nine yards. She says she never wanted to hurt me, yet she continued to do things which she knew hurt me deeply. Her actions speak louder than her words. <P>Amazingly, she still wants to be "friends."<P>She wrote me an e-mail saying just that...I responded with this:<P>>You said: "I would love to have a great friendship with you even though I am the one that caused you all the pain."<P>Then you say: "I really do love you in my own way...I will always have a place for you in my heart, and will always have time for you."<P>I'm sorry W, but I can't return those feelings to you. I just don't have them right now.<P>When I married you, I gave you all of my love and life. I became your best friend, lover, confidant, shoulder to cry on, chef, handyman, etc. Everything. I was always there for you. Part of the joy I experienced in marriage was giving myself freely and 100 percent to you. <P>You chose to give all of that up. You value your personal freedom more than our marriage. That's fine, but you have to understand that you can't give up the marriage and still expect to keep any of the benefits of our relationship. In effect, you are saying you don't really need my love, support, friendship, all the things that being married to me gave you. It was a package deal, honey. You are on your own from now on. I wish it weren't that way, but this was what you wanted. Sometimes you have to be careful what you wish for.<P>As for still loving you, I can't say that I do right now. Maybe my feelings for you are just buried under a lot of hurt, but right now, I feel nothing for you...there is nothing left.<P>I don't know if I can be your friend. Our relationship as we knew it is over. Maybe someday we can have some kind of new relationship, maybe friends, who knows. We'll have to cross that bridge some other time. Until then I have to focus on healing my own wounds and trying to maintain a relationship with D, the only part of my family I have left.<<P>I don't know if this was too harsh, but it's time to call this game on account of infidelity.<P>The funny thing is, I hardly even miss her.<P>See ya'll on the D/D board. Thanks for all the support!<BR>

CJack,<P>I think you did a very brave thing. At some point we have to protect our own hearts don't we. I'll be watching for your threads as you're just a few steps ahead of me in the process, and I think you're handling it very well.<P>Can you say you've given up 100%? Do you feel like there is any chance at all? It sort of sounds like you may still have a little hope, but you have been hurt so badly and that's what you have to deal with now.<P>I know there is a seed of hope left in me...and I wish it wasn't there. Acceptance will be the hardest stage to go through, but it's time to begin.<P>BTW, did you ever go to Plan B?<P>allison

"When I married you, I gave you all of my love and life. I became your best friend, lover, confidant, shoulder to cry on, chef, handyman, etc. Everything. I was always there for you. Part of the joy I experienced in marriage was giving myself freely and 100 percent to you. <P>You chose to give all of that up. You value your personal freedom more than our marriage. That's fine, but you have to understand that you can't give up the marriage and still expect to keep any of the benefits of our relationship. In effect, you are saying you don't really need my love, support, friendship, all the things that being married to me gave you. It was a package deal, honey. You are on your own from now on. I wish it weren't that way, but this was what you wanted. Sometimes you have to be careful what you wish for."<P><BR>Wow, CJack, I wish I could have this on a nice Hallmark card to send to my H. It kinda made me want to cry because it's so true.<P>I sorry your marriage has come to this, but there is a time in all these relationships to let go and begin to move on. You are "battle weary" as someone on another post said...too long in this to really care anymore...just want out. <P>I'm sure that one day your wife will realize what a mistake she has made, but it will probably be too little too late for you. My SIL has been divorced for 15 years now and she use to tell me that she reached a point in dealing with her husband where nothing he could have said or done would have made any difference...she was beyond the point of caring anymore. But she tried for years when he didn't...and just got tired. <P>So if you feel you've tried your best and you want to move on...then so be it...lay down your burden now, it's time and we know how tired and weary you are.<P>Buffy <P><BR> <P> <p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited September 22, 2000).]

CJack<BR>I am sorry this has come to the big D. I still fear that every day with my H. He may suddenly come out of the fog and go the wrong way!<P>I wish you luck and peace of mind and spirit through the D proceedings.<P>B

Thanks! I guess it wasn't too harsh after all.<P>Allison, you asked if I've given up 100%. I think I have. I've realized that no amount of action on my part will make her stay. You know the old saying "if you love someone, set them free..."? I've set her free, and told her as much. If she ever realizes her mistake, it probably won't be until she's been through another marriage or two. In any case, I don't know if I'll be here for her if she decides to come back. I've come to the conclusion that she doesn't deserve me.<P>I can't tell you to give up hope, but I found that preparing myself for the worst was easier than hanging on to hope. What I did (and I realize our situations are different), was to tell myself it was over, and act accordingly. I prepared myself mentally for the day when she said "its over." That way, I was already on the road to recovery when she finally dropped the bomb. I busied myself with plans for redecorating the house the way I wanted it, shopping for new furniture, planning activites and vacations without her, spending time with new (divorced) friends, etc. <P>What this did was put me in a more steady state of mind. If she left, I was ready for it, if she came back, I wouldn't be a depressed wreck. I realize it goes against the Harley principles, but if you can begin to imagine the positive aspects of life without your H, it might make the near future easier. Like they say, work on yourself...that way you'll be ready for either outcome. <P>p.s., I tried Plan B for a couple of weeks, and I think it drove her farther away. She likes being independent.<P><BR>Buffy: Maybe I should write greeting cards for a living? Yes, I got tired of fighting. When she filed, it kind of gave me permission to let go. When there was still some doubt as to the outcome, I still held on to hope. When she filed, it allowed me to finally give up and move on. That's why I think I feel better...I have some sense of closure, like "okay, this is how it's going to be, deal with it."<P>Thanks burnedspouse for the thoughts. I hope your H comes out of his fog and back into your arms. What he needs to do is remember why he married you in the first place. Was he 100 percent sure of himself when you married? Did he love you unconditionally at one time? My W would answer "no" to both questions. Looking back, I think my marriage may have been flawed from the start. Look back to the feelings you used to have for each other. If they were true back then, maybe the flame could be re-ignited. Good luck!

Take care of the daughter - she is a jewel that you had out of a bad marriage. So there was something good after all.<P>Cjack,<BR>I think you wrote a very good letter to the flippant view your wife seems to hold of the marriage.<P>She may wake up one day, she may not. But at least you recognise that it is time to move on to healing and restoration of your wholeness.<P>God speed be with you and your daughter.<P>Take care<BR>weep

Thanks Weep. You know what the funny thing is? My W was a single mom. I wasn't thrilled about the prospect of adopting a kid, since I've never been good with them. I didn't want kids, didn't know how to deal with them, etc. But I figured I'd put up with her daughter just so I could be with her.<P>Now, 5 years later, I'm the one who goes to softball games, parent/teacher meetings, and school plays! I find myself having to put up with my STBX just to be with her daughter!<P>Man, life sure is funny!

CJ-<P>yes my h ws 100% sure at our marriage. He was until we moved to AZ. I went to pieces and he emotionally left the battlefield. With the birth of my s 8 mos later, and postpartum set in, it wasa too late for him to come back. Even thoough he did not know it. Even when he set the A up, I know he did, even though he does not think so, he thought he was just unhappy, not ready to fall for someone else with the 1st sack race. Pig! It happened fast, and they flew upstairs of the hotel! He never looked back, until I found out 15 mos later. Now he sits on the fence.<P>I think if he could remember how he felt way back when, then he would. At the moment he has amnesia.<P>

Okay, bs, that's just too weird! My STBX and I grew apart after we moved to AZ. In fact, we figured that was the point where it all started to go downhill. She still denies that she went looking for the A, even though she literally hunted this guy down!<P>Now that I think about it, she never mentioned being anything less than 100 percent certain until about a year ago. Maybe amnesia is permanent, maybe not. I think it's too late for a cure now...

Oh, dang, guy--I was hoping she wouldn't!! for you!<P>Maybe this is one of those meant to be things. . .<P>You sound very OK, and I am glad that you wrote the letter that you did. She is going to figure it out one of those days.<P>I really don't think that marriages start out with "flaws," however. What I think is that people have flaws that they can overcome, if they chose to. Marriages always have potential, if people are willing to grow together. I was told once "There was something that you loved about him once, and so you can find that something again, if you really try." Well, I believe that. I lived in Korea for awhile, and knew many many people who had their marriages arranged for them, didn't have the "priviledge" of picking out their own partners. Yet the majority of these people were happy with their spouses, or at least lived peacefully with them. Because of the dedication they had to living the "right" way. Marriage is forever. Families need each other and have the right to depend upon one another--to destroy a family is a terrible thing. At least, this is the way it should be. Yet some silly people have this idea that they can marry for sh**s and giggles and then take off when it suits them: "Oh, golly gee...this isn't working--c ya!"<P>I know that you had to let her go. It's cool that you have kept your head together. Shows how strong you are.<P>She has shut the door that you kept trying to hold open. You will find a lovely, lucky lady to pamper you and treat you the way you deserve to be treated--nothing bad in getting ready for this.<P>I am just saying. . .don't be suprised when Prince Charming down there in Vegas ends up to not be so charming, and you turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to her. . .or she needs your shoulder to cry on, at least. It will probably be the case. Are you going to be ready for this, too?<P>Luck to ya!

cjack,<BR>I pretty much told my H the same thing. He wants to be good friends because he said we have always been that. I guess maybe someday but right now I have no feelings for him at all. I to have given up and am prepared to move forward with my life. <BR>My divorce should be final in about a month. I've been married for 17 yrs and it will be hard to be single again but not as hard as living day to day not knowing when the ball is going to drop. I just can't take the lies and the total disregard of my or the kid's feelings anymore. <P>Good Luck,<P>Jill

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Bernzini:<BR>I am just saying. . .don't be suprised when Prince Charming down there in Vegas ends up to not be so charming, and you turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to her. . .or she needs your shoulder to cry on, at least. It will probably be the case. Are you going to be ready for this, too?<P>Luck to ya![/B]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Funny thing is, in several of her e-mails, she's pretty much said she's expecting that to happen! She's said over and over again that she'll probably "realize too late that I made a huge mistake" or something like that.<P>I'll give it six months until she admits that she misses me. I just got a promotion and a HUGE raise, so she might come crawling back early just for the money. <P>I don't know what I'd do at that point. If she came back tomorrow I'd kick her right back to the curb, but I'm still really angry with her. Maybe 6 months from now I'll be a little nicer. I wouldn't think of taking her back until she makes some major changes in the way she conducts her life. Plus she'd have to kiss some major butt just to get in the house! <P>