The post described the passive/aggressive personality in respect to a WS. <P>Not being the WS, but I was labeled P/A by the councelor I had gone to months ago. I don't fit the discription to a tee, but, I see where the label fits. Also, I see my wife in that discription in her behavior in respect to our relationship.<P>Her mother and a brother both admitted to me that theirs was not a family that shared feelings much. MIL said "that's not the way we were." Younger BIL pretty much echoed that same sentiment. However, he recognised that if he was going to be able to tell his then-yet-to-be-born daughter that he loved her, he was going to have to start with telling his wife the same.<BR>He was pleasantly open about this. <P>The background of the P/A person had some similarities to the background of my W, too. She, the oldest, lost her father a few months before graduating from hs in the mid-seventies. (We are the from the same year.) Then left for college that fall...not spending much time around the family. Because of her obsession with running, it had been suggested to me that she was running from something. Thinking that the death of her father may have something to do with her inability to try to reconcile, I did ask how she dealt with it.<P> I don't know, but, would it be a fair topic to present to her...that we both were, at times, P/A??<P>As I mentioned before, about half the discription fits both. <P> I am composing a letter (hopefully she will read it) but didn't think to add this until later in the day after I had digested it and lunch. Initially, I was going to send just a poem from the poems posts.<P>rrunrr<P><BR>------------------<BR>Almost anything can be undone or forgiven.<P>Never take trust for granted.<p>[This message has been edited by rrunrr (edited September 22, 2000).]

If you feel that this has been your way of dealing with some things in the past, I think it is a good idea if you try to learn some different coping strategies. If you think about it logically, what is the problem with direct confrontation? Confrontation is not a bad thing. It is through speaking out about things we don't agree with that we are heard, that we learn about how others feel, and it is the first step to change. I know you can't get there if only one person is open to it and the other wants to avoid problems, but if you can change your communication style, it may lead her to change hers. You may set the example that it is okay to do things differently.<P>I hope this doesn't come across sounding like I am beating you up to change. (You know how things can be misconstrued when they are written and there is no inflection or facial expressions). No, I hope I am encouraging your self exploration. <P>I know I have learned better communication skills through this journey through infidelity. I hope to learn more.

The changes I have seen in myself have been subtle but not without first acknowledging the problem, often through accidental discovery.<P>The first few lines of your reply, popeye, triggered something that I realized but didn't know that she will accept. And that point is that I can now accept the behavior I resorted to was, or may still be, P/A. When, and will, she be able to say the same to me?? THAT is the point I would like to show her, but only in a self-effacing manner mixed with humor.<P>rrunrr<BR>