Hello,<P>I was given your name by a member on i.com. I asked a question on that board: If there was anyone out there whose H or W left, had an affair, moved back home, then moved out again, just to get back together again and their marriage is working now. <P>Here's my story (hopefully brief, I don't want to bore you)!<P>My husband of 21 years moved out, was having an affair, filed for divorce and then wanted to come back home. I forgave everything. His OW is now pregnant. I knew that when he came home. I can except the baby, this is his child. (many have said I'm crazy, but I'm really not). When he came home, he told me how crazy the OW is. I knew everything.<P>My H and I were truly back together, having the best time of our lives. I know that when he came home, he was home to stay! We stopped the divorce the next day. He was very sorry and cried all of the time. I begged him not to cry, this just broke my heart. He knows I forgive him. The OW started calling all of the time!!! She was giving him the guilt trip, the baby needs a daddy, he did this to her, life isn't fair, etc. The fact of the matter is: she was with a married man, lied to him, telling him she COULDN'T get pregnant. Yes, my H was a fool to believe that one, that's one of the oldest lies in the book. The OW knew what she wanted, went after him (they worked together) and got pregnant. <P>Well, my H moved out last week. He says he needs to figure everything out, but that we're NOT over. There is still a chance for the two of us. I do know that if the OW weren't pregnant, he would be home with me and our children right now!! He told me that if she weren't pregnant and he saw her walking down the street, he wouldn't give her the time of day. Well, with her calling all of the time, he decided he needed time to think. I told him I will give him the time he needs, but if I find out he's with her, even once, I will file for the divorce. I hate those words coming out of my mouth!! I never doubted our marriage, ever!! I knew we were in love with each other and there was nothing we couldn't work out!!<P>I love my husband very much and I want nothing more than our marriage to be healed and restored! I can't continue to hurt this way though. My question I guess would really be this:<P>If he wanted to work on us, wouldn't he have stayed home?? I've heard you have had almost the same thing happen to you and now your marriage is restored.<P>Any advise you can give me would be GREATLY appreciated!!<P>Thank you!<BR> <p>[This message has been edited by Love Hurts (edited September 22, 2000).]

Hi, Love Hurts.<P>You're much better at that "brief" thing than I am! I tend to go on.<P>I'm so sorry you're having to go through all this again.....I can only imagine how much it hurts.<P>I guess our stories are a bit similar...but, thankfully, PT did not get pg. She had a 3 year old that Robert loved very much and wanted to adopt, in fact, he's told me a lot of times that she is the reason he was gone as long as he was, he couldn't bear to leave her, but he didn't have to deal with a child of his own.<P>He was gone and living with PT about 6 months...building a future the entire time. They fell in love, of course, long before he left. <P>Did your h leave you the first time BECAUSE of the affair or did he begin to date after separation? How long was he gone the first time? How long was he home before he left again?<P>I just read your thread for about the 10th time. There's so much more going on here besides the guilt trip that OW is laying on him. That's difficult for him, for sure. PT worked very hard in that area, leaving pictures the little one "drew" him and all that stuff. You would be AMAZED at the stunts she pulled. He fell for most and things were very sticky for a while. He did move past that stuff though.<P>But his crying at home....bless his heart. His guilt at home seems to be so much greater. He never forgave himself. He never really understood that you forgave him. That's so much torment to live through. You may have told him that you forgive him and he may be trying to believe you, but if he hasn't forgiven himself, he really can't understand or believe in YOUR forgiveness.<P>I do agree with you that ow's pregnancy has a lot to do with his leaving, but I think it's a bit more than that as well. If he had really come to terms with his own guilt, if he had really understood himself and truly began to forgive himself, she couldn't have had such an effect on him, even pg. He's struggling with himself more than anything else. Though the marriage was doing better, though you were doing better, it seems to me anyway (and I'm certainly no expert!) that your husband had never really begun to heal. So, IMHO, the answer to your question is "not necessarily", he may still want this marriage, but be afraid of failure and a million other things and need to leave....simply out of fear and confusion.<P>If I were you.....take back those words. Tell him how you love him, show him how you believe in him, Plan A like you never have. He's suffering it seems....I'm still discovering what kind of unfathomable pain led to Robert's bad decisions. Help him through this. If you truly believe the life you were building, if you truly believe that there is love or caring for you, if you're strong enough, then, Honey, go for it! Help your husband to heal. You can do it.<P>Good luck to you. And this group's here for you if you need us.<P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori

Hi Lori,<P>Thank you for getting back to me so quickly. Before I start with the rest of my story, I have to ask, what is 'PT' and 'Plan A'? I'm sorry, I'm still pretty new at this.<P>On to my story:<P>You asked if my h left me because of the affair. He told me no, he didn't. He did tell me that she met him in another state for two days before he moved out, but she wasn't the reason he moved. He also told me that she helped him find his apartment. So, I believe the answer to that question is yes, he did leave because of her.<P>My h moved out a week before our 21st anniversary last June. He called me a week after our anniversary to tell me he was filing for a divorce the next day (by the way, she was with him when he called me). He was gone for two months, before moving back home. He was home for a month before moving out again last week. My whole sorted story is posted on i.com under 'high school sweet hearts no more'. <P>I do know my h has a lot of guilt going on in his head. When he moved back home, he promised that we would go to counseling (which I've been in for the last three months). We never got to the joint counseling part. I have told him that when (yes, I'm thinking positive) he comes back home, we will go to counseling and there will only be TWO in our marriage, he and I. The ow was a constant part of our marriage when he came home, calling all of the time. I've told him I DON'T SHARE!! <P>I have also told my h how much I love him and want him home. He knows how I feel, he knows my heart. I did tell him I will not call and beg him to come home. He needs to figure himself out first. While he was home, I tried everything I knew to help him. The only thing I can do is pray for him. He did tell me that he will continue to wear his wedding ring. That's something he didn't do the last two weeks before he moved out the first time. He knows I only want the truth, I deserve only the truth and I can handle the truth.<P>Yes, I truly believe in the life we were building, in our marriage and in my husband!! I know my husband loves me very much. He has told me he loves me and misses me. I've told him he has the time from me he needs, that I'm here for him and I will always love him. I know I'm strong enough to go through this and repair our marriage. I just don't know how. I guess the best thing right now is to wait, wait for him. I just don't know what else to do.<P>Thank you again for your advise!!! My heart breaks for everyone who has gone through this and are going through this!!<P>God Bless,<BR>Love Hurts

Hi Love Hurts,<P>Lori doesn't seem to be responding, so if it's okay with her I'll tell you what PT and Plan a are.<P>PT - Stands for Pop Tart, that was LostVa nickname for her H's OW.<P>Plan A - That is a Marriage Builders term coined by the Harley's. To get more info on it, click on "Home" up above and navigate yourself to the info on Plan A. <P>Very best to you LH, you're in my prayers.<P>Jo

Hi Resilient<P>Thank you, I'll check it out. <P>Love Hurts

Hi, LoveHurts -<P>I'm "stillmarried" on that OTHER board. I see you've contacted lostva, and others are beginning to help you as well.<P>Did you notice there's a section called Pregnancy/Child here, too? It might be worth a look!<P>If you go to the Home Page and browse through the information by the Harleys, I think you'll find alot of information that's helpful. There are different "plans" for any given situation.<P>Take care and keep searching...

Hey Fairy~Stillie,<P>Yes, I have seen that section and have posted a response on there to someone going through almost the same thing. Luckily, her and h are back together. I'm waiting for that day!! <P>Thank you for telling me about this site!! I go back and forth between both. I need all of the advice I can get right now. I haven't really had the time I want to write lately, my son is on the PC all of the time, doing homework. Ugh... I guess homework has to come first, LOL <P>I saw h today. It was nice seeing him, but it also hurt. He had his ring off, but told me it wasn't because of his gone, but because of work. His hands are very swollen. He hugged me and told me not to worry. I'm still waiting for that 'date' to get here. It's driving me mad that time doesn't go any faster than it does. <P>Take care and talk to ya soon,<BR>God bless,<BR>Love Hurts