I need help!! I am not doing a very good job with Plan A. I am fairly lucky I know because my H is home with me and we do share some good times, but every time anything is mentioned (by either one of us) about the A, H ends up angry. I want him to be able to talk about and express his feelings to me about the things that have gone on but every time we try I end up saying something negative that makes him mad. I'm afraid he's going to shut down and not talk about his feelings and that if he doesn't they'll always be there between us. So far he's not interested in counseling or applying MB principals. I don't want to push too hard. I really believe the A is over now because the OW's H found out and she's on a leash right now. My H says it was over before he found out and that's why she finally broke down and told her H. Please, if anyone knows how I can stop myself from my You reap what you Sow attitude when we're discussing I would certainly appreciate it. I am never blatanly mean by the way but he perceives anything I say as being this way. I wouldn't have a hard time just listening but he always asks me what I think and when I tell him he says I'm accusatory. How can I answer his questions honestly and not come across this way?<P>I LOVE my H very much and all I want is for this to work out. I want him to feel comfortable with me and he is until anything comes up about the A which happens daily (he brings it up not me)and then we slide back into the pit. I'm rambling so I'll stop. Help!!<BR>

Justsher,<P>First, until the fresh pain for both of you settles down -- don't talk about the A! The time will come when you <B>can</B> talk about it. If he brings it up, gently and kindly let him know that you're not ready to talk about it yet. You have to get your emotions under control or you will only pile so much on to your already shaky marriage that it could all come tumbling down. <P>Just back off of any highly sensitive issues right now -- ANYTHING that pushes his hot buttons -- and instead work on rebuilding affection and focus on an appreciation for the fact that you are still together and have something to build on.<P>If you and your H are both open to it, get professional counseling. Don't think that you can just solve all this by yourselves -- it's too hard. Be patient. Since you're still together and the A is over, take your time. You don't have to solve everything all at once. Allow yourselves to have loving, giving, caring conversations. Be tender, kind, sweet to each other -- the rest will follow in time. <P>Remember, that he is dealing with a tremendous amount of guilt -- the kind of guilt that can be so overwhelming it makes a person what to run away from it. Don't help him run away. Even though you say he asks for what you think, he's perceiving your "honest" answers as painful -- hence the anger. Once there has been some trust and caring re-established, the "talk" will happen.<P>I hope this helps.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers,<BR>KristyAnn

{{{justher}}}:<P>How are you doing today?<P>This is really, really hard. But you can get through this.<P>It is hard when the WS doesn't want to do counseling or apply MB concepts, but not impossible. And just because he doesn't want to today doesn't mean he never will.<P>My advice in the short term would be that whenever he asks you what you think, say some like, "I really appreciate your telling me this. I know it's hard for you; please know that it's hard for me, too, but I want us to get through this and move on." Try not to tell him exactly what you think of it (I know, easier said than done!) but let him know that you are listening and appreciate any effort he makes.<P>Good luck to you. Hang in there. --HBC

justsher,<P>If you can't go to individual counseling...<P>...to improve your communications skills...<P>...consider going to a <A HREF="http://www.wwme.org/new.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Encounter Weekend</A>!<P>It's primary emphasis is on "communicating feelings"!<P> <P>Jim