Quick update: I ended it (again) with OM Sat/Mon -- that is, I sent email to office Sat am (I don't have his home email), knowing he wouldn't see it until Mon am, then had the whole weekend to figure out how to respond to his reaction. It was worded in such a way that it was crystal clear to him, but not to anybody who didn't know the context.<P>OM: I got your email.<BR>me: I just realized that, even though I might never have the marriage I want, I can't use that as an excuse for doing what I have no business doing.<BR>OM: It just doesn't feel right, does it?<P>Other than his asking me at intervals if I'm ok, neither of us has brought it up again. I was near tears several times Mon, a few times Tues, but it was already getting noticeably easier. It really FEELS over, this time.<P>By yesterday, my biggest emotional upheaval was frustration over hardware failures (probably amplified by personal stuff, but who can say?). I worked overtime early in the week, had my 40 hours in by noon Fri, wasn't going to accomplish anything anyway, so I left. Cleaned my kitchen, went shopping, felt really good by mid-afternoon.<P>Here's the part I have questions about:<P>Early in the week I was fooling around with Monster.com (job search). Since I work with/for OM, it would be a lot easier on both of us if one of us changed jobs. On a whim, I entered the state I grew up in instead of my present location, and turned up several interesting opportunities. I pulled up SpringStreet.com and looked at apartments in the area, and found a few that looked do-able.<P>The next day I realized I couldn't get that out of my mind. For the first time in a long time, I've found something I REALLY want to do, and it's to move 700 miles from here. I'm thinking that the appeal is to leave not only OM but H as well, start completely over in a new place (~50 miles from my childhood home) with a clean slate.<P>Is this real? Am I being irresponsible? Is this another example of the fog? What am I doing?<P><BR>

I don't know your situation, so I can't really make an accurate assesment, but how about a question:<P>Would you really be starting with a "clean" slate?<P>Why are you leaving the OM? If you're doing it because it's disrespectful to your H and your marriage, then you do you believe the marriage is worth saving? Are you thinking about leaving because you can't bear the thought of facing life with a husband who has learned to distrust you?<P>You can pack up and move anywhere you want, but you'll still be you. It won't solve any of your problems, it will just put them on the back burner for awhile, IMHO.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by cjack:<BR><B><BR>Why are you leaving the OM? If you're doing it because it's disrespectful to your H and your marriage, then you do you believe the marriage is worth saving? Are you thinking about leaving because you can't bear the thought of facing life with a husband who has learned to distrust you?<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>My husband doesn't know about the affair, doesn't distrust me. The first time I tried to end it was for the sake of trying to make the marriage work, but I really don't believe in it, things have been bad for so long.<P>I ended it because it violates everything I believe in. This isn't the kind of person I want to be/thought I was.<P>Obviously, my husband knows I'm unhappy with him and our marriage. I told him 2 1/2 years ago that I don't love him anymore. He said it was just a bad mood and I'd get over it. <P>He has read HNHN and LB, and "knows" how it's supposed to work. He has great intentions, but isn't the type to follow through on long-term commitments. He tends to believe he's solved a problem when he figures out what the solution is, whether or not he ever implements it. In short, I have to bring myself out of this, he's not going to be much (if any) help.<P>But what I was really asking is, am I still acting out the "fog" script? I mean, I haven't been exactly on cue even before this (I did the "I'm not in love with you" 2 years before any involvement with OM, for example). So what I want to know is, how does this play out, and how do I know when/if I'm out of the fog and can trust myself to make rational decisions again?

I was the BS, but I also had many daydreams about just picking up and leaving EVERYONE, starting over. I made elaborate plans in my head how to do it and I also made internet searches for employing/residence opportunities. I think this is a natural escape mechanism. I went through this more than once, even during recovery and nobody had any idea. I stuck it out though and I feel better about the decisions I made. Give your H a chance.

You said the affair goes against everything you believe in...do you know what you believe in?<P>This question seems a little blunt, but if it goes against what you believe in, why has it gone on so long? If you really don't believe in the marriage, why have you stayed? I guess I'm asking you these questions to find an answer myself. <P>My STBX decided she didn't "love" me very early on in our marriage but never told me. She stayed with it until she found the OM and promptly left.<P>You seem like you might be on the fence. 2 and 1/2 years seems a long time to devote to something you've given up on. Have you really given up? If you have, why drag your H through this?

If I didn't know what I believe in, I wouldn't have found the strength to quit. <P>The reason I stayed when I would have preferred to leave was for the sake of my kids. This has been true a lot longer than 2 1/2 years -- closer to 15. 2 1/2 years ago was when I gave up hope of its ever getting better.<P>Even though the kids both went away to college and didn't need me on a day-to-day basis, until recently we still needed our combined incomes to pay their expenses. And they would be emotionally devastated (daughter especially) if we split up.<P>I'm not looking for ways to hurt my husband, whatever you might think of me. And I don't have any answers to help you understand what happened with your wife. I'm sorry it happened this way for both of us.