So ... what do I want to do and is it even remotely realistic?<P>First I'll list what I know I WANT:<BR>1 - I want my husband back.<BR>2 - I want my marriage to be renewed.<BR>3 - I want an opportunity to make plans together and to be happy together.<P>What I DON'T want:<BR>1 - I don't want the marriage we HAD.<BR>2 - I don't want a divorce.<BR>3 - I don't want a legal separation.<P>What he has said he wants:<BR>1 - He wants to be friends.<BR>2 - He wants a divorce.<P>What I believe he wants:<BR>1 - The happiness that has eluded him since the death of his father.<BR>All the rest of what he says he wants seem to fit perfectly with this single thing: A) He wants to be free to come and go as he pleases; B) He does not want to be responsible to another person.<BR>These two things, however, do not fit with his being with the slug. That is actually the part of this that is the most difficult thing to figure out, since he has NEVER said to me that he loves her, he recognises that he cannot have any kind of "intellectual" discussion with her, and many of her habits and personality traits are at odds with everything he has said about the problems between US.<P>What is happening:<BR>1 - He is consulting with an attorney in an attempt to get a divorce.<BR>2 - He still thinks we can be friends.<BR>3 - Separation Agreement papers have been mailed and received by me.<BR>4 - I am trying to think of what to do next.<P>What my options are:<BR>1 - Send the agreement back to the lawyer with a letter refusing to sign it.<BR>2 - Number 1, adding the reasons I refuse to sign it.<BR>3 - Number 2, adding an explanation of what changes MIGHT convince me to sign it.<BR>4 - Send the agreement back with the information that must be changed and a promise to sign it if that is changed.<BR>5 - Ignore the entire thing.<BR>6 - Number 2, adding a statement that I do not want a divorce or separation.<P>What ANY of the possible results are of refusing to sign the separation agreement:<BR>1 - Husband lets it drop and does nothing more.<BR>2 - Husband lets it drop and indicates a willingness to reconcile.<BR>3 - Husband opens a dialog with me to attempt to come to some resolution which involves separation and/or divorce.<BR>4 - Husband opens a dialog with me to attempt to come to some resolution about our relationship, and shows willingness to attempt reconciliation.<BR>5 - Husband tells lawyer to contact me to attempt resolution.<BR>6 - Husband requests mediation.<BR>7 - Husband tells lawyer to go ahead with papers for divorce.<P>It is pretty obvious that items 1, 2 and 4 are the most unlikely of the lot. So I will set them aside for now. Item 3 would seem most logical, but he doesn't seem to be able to actually have a reasonable discussion at a reasonable time regarding this stuff. That pretty much leaves 5, 6 or 7. 6 is unlikely, as he is being advised by a small town lawyer who either A) doesn't know about mediation or B) wouldn't suggest it because he cannot make any money. So, we have narrowed it down to either 5 or 7, and in my opinion, after talking with him yesterday, 7 is the most likely option. But I will work with both for now.<P>What next for me if he chooses option 5?<BR>A - Tell the lawyer what my requirements for a legal separation would be and agree to sign if all of my requirements are met.<BR>B - Tell the lawyer what my requirements would be without any promise of signing.<BR>C - Tell the lawyer that I am not interested in legal separation or divorce, but that I am interested in reconciling with my husband.<BR>D - Refuse to talk to the lawyer.<P>If I promise to sign, I feel that I would obligate myself to something sight unseen - not a good idea. If I indicate I would reconsider if all my issues were dealt with, I am still basically obligating myself to sign. If I tell the lawyer that I want to reconcile with my husband, the lawyer will probably laugh himself right out of his chair ... but that is ok by me. If I refuse to ttalk to the lawyer, I will be labelled as an uncooperative ***** and that will not look to wonderful for me down the line. So ... I think MY best option in this case would be to tell the lawyer the truth: that I don't want a divorce or a legal separation but that I wish to be reconciled with my husband.<P>But, I am fairly certain that my husband would be more likely to simply go on to filing for divorce from here, because he seems to have a NEED for this divorce. I don't know why, other than he is, perhaps, attempting to clear up loose ends prior to moving.<P>So ... assuming he does that, then I will, for certain, have to get a lawyer. I cannot rely on "askjeeves.com" for this (that's a JOKE!!!!). I will not sign anything that says I am at fault, and he knows that.<P>On to getting a lawyer. Even if I could afford one, I am certain it will be difficult to find one that has all of the characteristics I would like.<P>What would my lawyer need to be/do?<BR>A - Offer pro bono or EXTREMELY low cost services (and even then be willing to take monthly payments over a VERY long period of time).<BR>B - Understand my wants and needs with regard to my marriage.<BR>C - Not be hostile to my husband or to his lawyer.<P>What are my wants and needs with regard to my marriage under the current circumstances?<BR>A - I do NOT want a divorce.<BR>B - I do NOT want to "nail him to the wall."<BR>C - I do want my husband to be required to take some kind of responsibility for the current situation. For example, keeping his promise to provide some weekly money toward my expenses, and for him to pay some or all of my legal expenses, since this is his game, not mine.<BR>D - I want to keep the door open for reconciliation up to and possibly after any legal action as to divorce - in other words, no hostility, no bridge-burning, no nasty "screw him" kind of actions.<BR>E - I want to make a point in the legal system that marriage should be encouraged, divorce should be the absolute last resort after all other options have been exhausted.<BR>F - I want to screw with the slug's head. Oh ... no, that doesn't really belong here, does it? or doesn't it? Hmmmm....<P>What an intricate balancing act I want my legal advocate and myself to perform! But, to accomplish what I want: Standing up for something in which I very strongly believe, without causing hostility and without getting run right over and screwed myself - maybe setting some kind of a precedent or getting some attention paid by the local media to the growing movement toward making marriages work instead of jumping on the divorce train...<P>Hey ... I could probably do that right away. Hmmm....<P>LOL! I just had an amusing thought... my husband is going to be moving to the Orlando area for school. And the Smart Marriages annual conference is being held in Orlando in June 2001... Don't you think I should plan to go? I could stay with my husband's aunt and uncle! LOL!!! <P>OK ... I've cheered myself up a little bit. What do you all think of my little "flow chart" post?<P>As for the remote possibility that I might wear him down enough that he agrees to put a limited amount of time toward reconciliation, well, I guess that should probably be the subject of a separate post. Want me to go ahead and post that flow chart? <P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Hi Terri -<P>Now this is very strange....I was moving along with my Saturday projects and it popped in my head to come and see what you were up to on the "in the mail" thread of yours.....<P>Then I saw this!!!!!<P>I found something that I wanted to share with you.....I got very excited about it and since your state is much better at caring about marriage than my stupid one is, I think you should check it out!!!<P>Do a search on "Covenant Marriage and Covenant Marriage Law"......<P>I plan on getting very involved!!!!<P>I printed this thread to read more carefully later.....<P>You're thinking tooooooo hard!!!!!<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba<P>Let me know what you think after your search......

Terri,<P>I have been worried about one thing...you say that your H is planning on moving to Florida...when?<P>I think that you need to do some serious research, and fast, as to whether IF he establishes residency in Florida, and how long that requirement is...if then he can THEN just file for divorce THERE, instead of in NY state where the TWO of you live now?<P>As you probably know...Florida is one of the quickest divorce states in the country...and is no fault. I think you can be divorced there in 30 days.<P>I am worried that IF he is allowed to do this...he will. You are so much better off, as you well know, dealing with NY state divorce laws.<P>I know how much you do NOT want this to happen, and do NOT plan on making it easy for him...but, please check this out. Because if your H can do this...and if he finds out that he can just wait and establish residency in Florida, and THEN divorce you withOUT your consent there...you know he will do that. Or if the slug finds this out...<P>I hope that I am wrong...maybe, b/c you've never lived there as a married couple, he can only proceed with the divorce in NY state...I certainly hope so. But, I feel as if I've heard horror stories about Florida...<P>And, I know with your determination and intelligence, you will go to one of those divorce sites that explains all the rules and regulations and requirements for each state.<P>I know you do NOT want this to proceed...but, it will if your H is determined to follow through...or is being prompted by the slug. So you must figure out the best way to handle this.<P>I would suggest that you see if you can find someone you know, who has a friend who had a GREAT divorce lawyer, and get his or her name...then call and see if you can go in for a free consultation. A brief one. <P>If you wrote out your feelings...BRIEFLY and concisely...and went in for a 15 minute consultation...I assure you that any good lawyer could at least tell you how to implement YOUR plan. Then you'd have a real battle plan. <P>This is very important...and you will have to make it a priority...and find the money. And, you can do most of this research yourself.<P>I know that on another messageboard, a woman from Florida told me that there is an organization in Florida, that provides FREE phone consultations...about 3...<P>If you can track this down...and pretend to be from Florida...you could at least ask if it is possible for your H to establish residency and then divorce you down there.<P>But, this is not going to go away, and you must start directing all your enormous talents and intelligence into taking care of yourself. NY state laws do help you...but, as you know, they ultimately only prolong the process...not stop it.<P>And, does your H or the slug know about your brief affair? If so...then your H does have cause...<P>I wish you the best of luck...you're a real fighter, and I admire that!<P>Good luck!<P>~skye~<P>I just checked out:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.divorce-forms.com/FLORIDA-DIVORCE-FORMS.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.divorce-forms.com/FLORIDA-DIVORCE-FORMS.html</A> <P>And, I will paste what it says about residency requirements to file for divorce...<P>"RESIDENCY REQUIRED BEFORE FILING:<P>Florida Residence requirements.--<P>To obtain a dissolution of marriage, ONE of the parties to the marriage must reside **6 months** in the state before the filing of the petition."<P>I was afraid of that!<P>GROUNDS FOR DIVORCE:<P>In part...<P>(2) Based on the evidence at the hearing, which evidence need NOT be corroborated EXCEPT to establish that the residence requirements of s. 61.021 are met which may be corroborated by a valid Florida driver's license, a Florida voter's registration card, or the TESTIMONY or affidavit of a THIRD PARTY, the court shall dispose of the petition for dissolution of marriage when the petition is based on the allegation that the marriage is irretrievably broken as follows:<P>(a)If there is NO minor child of the marriage and if the responding party does not, by answer to the petition for dissolution, deny that the marriage is irretrievably broken, the court shall enter a judgment of dissolution of the marriage if the court finds that the marriage is irretrievably broken. <P>(b)When there is a minor child of the marriage, OR when the responding party DENIES by answer to the petition for dissolution that the marriage is irretrievably broken, the court may: <P>1. Order either or both parties to consult with a marriage counselor, psychologist, psychiatrist, minister, priest, rabbi, or any other person deemed qualified by the court and acceptable to the party or parties ordered to seek consultation; or <P> 2. Continue the proceedings for a reasonable length of time not to exceed 3 months, to enable the parties themselves to effect a reconciliation; or<P> 3. Take such other action as may be in the best interest of the parties and the minor child of the marriage. <P>If, at any time, the court finds that the marriage is irretrievably broken, the court shall enter a judgment of dissolution of the marriage. If the court finds that the marriage is not irretrievably broken, it shall deny the petition for dissolution of marriage. <P>(3) During any period of continuance, the court may make appropriate orders for the support and alimony of the parties; the primary residence, custody, rotating custody, visitation, support, maintenance, and education of the minor child of the marriage; attorney's fees; and the preservation of the property of the parties. <P>(4) A judgment of dissolution of marriage shall result in each spouse having the status of being single and unmarried. No judgment of dissolution of marriage renders the child of the marriage a child born out of wedlock.<P> (5) The court may enforce an antenuptial agreement to arbitrate a dispute in accordance with the law and tradition chosen by the parties. <P>(6) Any injunction for protection against domestic violence arising out of the dissolution of marriage proceeding shall be issued as a separate order in compliance with chapter 741 and shall not be included in the judgment of dissolution of marriage. <P>(7) In the initial pleading for a dissolution of marriage as a separate attachment to the pleading, each party is required to provide his or her social security number. <P>(8) Pursuant to the federal Personal Responsibility and Work Opportunity Reconciliation Act of 1996, each party is required to provide his or her social security number in accordance with this section. Disclosure of social security numbers obtained through this requirement shall be limited to the purpose of administration of the Title IV-D program for child support enforcement. <P>RESIDENCY REQUIRED BEFORE FILING:<P>Residence requirements.--To obtain a dissolution of marriage, one of the parties to the marriage must reside 6 months in the state before the filing of the petition.<P>~~~~~~~~~~~~~<P>Here are a few sites to check out...<BR> 1) <A HREF="http://www.divorce-forms.com/FLORIDA-DIVORCE-FORMS.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.divorce-forms.com/FLORIDA-DIVORCE-FORMS.html</A> <P>THIS ONE IS GOOD, it has a lot of information!<BR>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<BR> 2) <A HREF="http://www.floridadivorce.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.floridadivorce.com/</A> <P>(you need a Florida zip code...use my aunt's 34228)<BR>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<BR> 3) <A HREF="http://www.law.cornell.edu/topics/Table_Divorce.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.law.cornell.edu/topics/Table_Divorce.htm</A> <P>Divorce laws for all 50 states.<BR>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<P>Terri...protect yourself!<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by skye (edited September 23, 2000).]

skye,<P>Florida/New York - the risks are similar: It all depends on the judge. Florida has been entering the divorce reform arena of late, and is one of the states requiring pre-marital education. In New York State, where the only way to get a "no-fault" divorce is by being legally separated for a period of 12 months, there is nothing which even remotely encourages the court to require a reconciliation attempt, counseling or even mediation.<P>Florida divorce law allows that one of the parties may contest based on the concept that the relationship is not irretrievably broken. And the court may require a reconcilation attempt, counseling or mediation.<P>He plans to move in the spring time - although he said "6 months" last month which would make it February, not April as he told me originally - but he might have simply miscounted the months - who knows? At any rate, it would be another 6 months after he moves before he would have established residency. Since the slug was originally telling people that he would file after he moved, I did some research on FL divorce law myself.<P>As for "finding" the money - please understand - I am not even exaggerating a little bit when I say I have nothing left over after bills - and if I paid all of them every month, I would bounce even more checks than I have been. I have a roof over my head, food in my refrigerator, utilities and a car with all the normal expenses. Those are what I pay every month. The rest I take turns paying!<P>Thank you for your concern - I appreciate it a great deal.<P>Sheba, I will check out that site you mentioned. Have you seen the "SmartMarriage.com" site? Very interesting stuff there... email me sometime, please! tag_yerit@yahoo.com<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>