I've been off the board since my life has become extremely busy. I'm three months past d-day and now I'm having some new problems. I posted this over on the recovery board, but I need some more input - what do you guys think?<P>My H seems to think that I'm supposed to walk around like little Miss Suzie Sunshine (something that is totally out of character for me) and pretend I'm not f***ed about it. But guess what? I am. Lately my H has been acting like a real jerk. Wednesday he made it a point to embarass me in front of one of my good friends by insinuating that my trip to an office on campus and seeing him in there 'caught me by suprise'. He then didn't want to explain why he made those comments. <P>I don't get it?! What was that supposed to be about? My theory is that one his friends told him that my friend (a guy) and I seem too friendly and he took this guy's word. My H won't admit it, but if I were a betting woman, I'd hit the jackpot. <P>To other folks in recovery, how do you stay strong and rebuild? I'm getting past the initial betrayal issues but I'm getting to a point where I'm more concerned about my well-being than his. I guess I feel like my marriage is slowly crumbling and I'm not sure if I want to save it. <P>Vee<P>

Hi, Vee. How are you doing?<P>I guess I'm a little confused. Your H embarrassed you by saying something to the friend you were visiting or to some third party?<P>I don't think it's fair for your husband to think that you can walk around smiling all of the time, but it seems that a lot of WSs think that way when they realize that we Betrayeds are going to forgive them. My H said to me not long ago that if I was going to forgive him I should just do it and not keep expecting him to account for his time, etc. I told him that there was a huge difference between forgiving and forgetting, and that I had to see a lot of evidence that he was beyond cheating before I could even start to get past it.<P>You also mention that you were visiting a guy. Now, you know and I know that it was all innocent, but your H might be worried that you are going to give him a taste of his own medicine. Perhaps you could stop seeing this friend for a while until you can work out a mutually acceptable solution with your H. Remember, if you want your marriage to work, H has to be the most important one.<P>Good luck to you, Vee. I hope things get better! --HBC

HBC -<P>Actually my friend is a classmate of mine and works in the same office on campus that I use to work in. I wasn't visiting my friend - I was visiting the office director to see if she had heard anything about some books that we requested being shipped to the university bookstore on my way to class.<P>And he didn't say anything to a third party, he was literally acting like a jerk. I came into the office and saw my friend, my H, and his friend talking to each other. No big deal - but they way my H looked at me was pretty weird. He then proceeded to say "I caught you off guard, huh." "You didn't expect me to be here." It was extremely strange. <P>I have asked him several times since this incident why he behaved like that and he won't answer. I can't very well stop seeing my friend since we take classes together and are working with another classmate on a group project. My H has more female friends than I do, so who should worry more - me or him?<P>As far as smiling goes, I'm an introvert. I nevr go around smiling just because - it's not my personality type. I usually have a very solemn face. That's because I'm always thinking about something. Maybe he feels that way because he knows I'm not happy right now. As usual, he spends one week concentrating on me then he starts the same stuff over again. I wish sometimes he'd be honest or try to figure out a way for us to work through this. It's just all vey tiring to try and do everything yourself.<P>Vee

Vee:<P>Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner; we've been out of town for the weekend (and here I am on in the middle of the night because I've got a cough that won't quit...but I'm whining...thanks for listening!)<P>Anyway, back to your post. I have no idea why your H acted that way! (Ahem, fellow MB folks--any ideas?) I can suggest a couple of things to say to him about it, but I don't know of any quick way to get past this.<P>One thing I would say to him if the subject comes up again (and I wouldn't bring it up just to say this, but it sounds like it might very well come up on its own) is something like, "Well, yes, Honey, it did surprise me to see you there, but I thought it was a good surprise. I really like to see you when I'm not expecting to." It could be that he noticed surprise on your face and then started hyper-reacting when you said you weren't. WSs get weird about weird stuff, and three months since D-day really isn't a long time.<P>It sounds as though there is an underlying communication problem with your H, though. Have you two sought counseling at all? Any chance of it?<P>Unfortunately, there isn't an easy fix to this, and it gets hard when you feel as though you're the only one trying to save the marriage. Hang in there and good luck to you! --HBC

HBC -<P>He won't go to counseling. My friend gave me the name of a counselor that has free sessions through a local ministry unit. We had a nice blow out argument this morning which has put me in the mindset of just packing up and moving.<P>He has what I call selective memory loss, where he doesn't remember what he said. He has this shirt which he swears doesn't belong to him and I know that it does because I remember picking it out! We bought those things during a clearance sale and he got like 8 shirts then. <P>I've rambled - but yes - we do have a major communication problem. I'm really just tired of him telling me to get over it, trust come from within and all that other stuff. I keep trying to tell him that you don't give blind trust when someone does something to destroy it. You have to rebuild it - I'm partly convinced that he doesn't want to and he'd rather be single. Anyway - I'm tired of being stuck here!<P>Vee