I would like to ask a question. My husband has had affairs (one brief PA and one EA) and I have recently begun to feel completely zero emotions to what has happened in addition to no longer feeling too much love toward him anymore. A brief synopsis...we have been to counseling, we have examined the reasons why this happened (husband said EA was a 'friend' and PA happened because he was 'drunk'...he maintains all the problems lie within him, I know that there have been problems that we both need to work on and we have been) After several years of going through limbo, I find myself miserable and not feeling love toward him. I have read of others here who have put up with years of continued infidelity and still love their h's no matter what they do. I feel terrible for not being able to emotionally be there for him, especially because he does make amends and wants this marriage, but I feel as though a wall has been erected. And a steel one at that. Does there come a time where complacency happens, where all of the "fixing" ends and the dust settles and your asked wondering, "what now?" and "why in the heck did he do this if he REALLY loved me??". Is that what I'm going through, like an anti climactic ending to a movie? I realize that marriage needs to be worked upon continuously, and I am completely aware of what I need to do in order to make my marriage better. But I just can't dredge up the emotional part to be able to happily or "enthusiastically" do it. I'd rather be alone, I find myself daydreaming about life by myself. I find when I'm running errands on my own or by myself that the stress of my husbands demands aren't there, and I'm beginning to like it. My husband and I have filled out all of EN here on site, have gone over everything, and have looked at every article written here, in addition to purchasing Dr. Harley's books (in addition to others, Dr. Wheat, etc.)...but there comes a point in time where you do stop trying, at least my husband has. I have talked to him until blue in the face, and all he can say/do is ignore me or act as if I'm being ridiculous. So I got to the point where I no longer cared even to try to make it better than it was. You can only hit your head on a brick wall for so long. Thanks for letting me vent, and I'd like to know if anyone else has experienced similar thoughts/feelings.

You are not alone. Withdrawal is a defensive reaction when you just can't take fighting anymore. Nothing seems to work anyway, and there doesn't seem to be any point in trying. <P>Ok, what you've done so far hasn't helped. There are people here who can help you figure out better ways to try (wish I were one of them, but I'm in much the same boat you are), but you have to decide whether to make the effort. <P>Based on what I've read here, it IS possible for one dedicated spouse to bring the other back into a loving, committed relationship, but there are no guarantees. It sounds like a long, painful process, not for the faint-hearted.<P>I'm sorry you're in this situation, and I hope you find the solution. You will find support here.<BR>

smidgen, thanks for your reply. I guess I'm just getting to that point where I've exhausted all of my emotions, even Dr. Harley says we have a lovebank (!) and obviously, mine is quite empty. You're right, I will ultimately be the one who has to decide whether or not to make the effort. I believe wholeheartedly in the vow of marriage, that's why I've been here as long as I have. I just don't believe that I need to be a scapegoat for my husband anymore. I'm not angry, I'm just, well I guess empty is a good word. <P>Wish I could change my feelings and try yet again to get him to open up, but I honestly don't have it in me right now. I'm focusing on myself right now, since I obviously can't make him work on the marriage. Hope it doesn't backfire in some way.

Hi KayLeigh:<P>You know that "steel wall" has two sides, you on one side and your H on the other. I'm sure that he is having just as hard a time scaling that wall as you are. And he's carrying a ton of guilt with him.<P>I don't know your story, but I think you're making a mistake that a lot of us make when we take our H's back. We make an overt display of putting our marriage back together, but sometimes the hurt is still too much and we can't really get past it.<P>"Does there come a time where complacency happens, where all of the "fixing" ends and the dust settles and your asked wondering, "what now?" and "why in the heck did he do this if he REALLY loved me??"."<P>This question will always be there in the back of your mind...until you make the supreme effort to get past it, your marriage will never heal. I know this because I've been there...and now I'm alone, because I couldn't accept that the affair was just a symptom of a bad marriage, not the cause.<BR>So when H came back, although I went through the motions of rebuilding, I was still stuck in blaming him and eventually he left again.<P>Maybe your H is getting tired of trying to climb over that wall and is just giving up. Would you blame him? Before you give up entirely, try opening a gate in that wall once in a while and see what happens.<P>Buffy<P> <p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited September 24, 2000).]

Hi, buffy. I know my H has carried guilt with him, and I also know that I've done so much to try to dissuade that guilt, and then he had another affair after that. As a matter of fact, in retrospect, when I gave it everything I had, it never was reciprocated nor did it help my marriage. As soon as I backed away emotionally, was the only time he tried to salvage what we had. I'm sorry if this comes across as not the norm for this forum, but I have been doing this for years (trying to show my H my love for him) and the only time I've been acknowledged was when I backed off and gave him his "space". I truly think many wayward spouses just want to be alone and independant until they realize what they've given up (us). Making the "supreme effort"? I have done this time and time again. I truly don't understand why I should do this when my husband was the one who cheated??? If their was a gleam of understanding on his behalf or a little bit of reciprocation, I would be glad. I'm somewhat in awe of those who give over and over again with no results, I'm more one who believes if you try one way and fail, you need a different route.<P>I find it really strange that we should be the ones who make amends when they are trying to get out of the marriage. I will reiterate that I will always try to salvage my marriage, but never when it compromises my health (emotional & physical...we all know of how many diseases are out there..)<P>My H has not tried to climb over walls, I've tried to get him to open up. He's just been there (non emotionally). I will always love what we have had, but I do not love him now. I see so many people tell others that they need to get out of a physically abusive marriage, isn't cheating and lying emotionally abusive, and equally bad over the long term? <P>Honestly, I'm not here as an excuse to end my marriage. I'm here to try and understand. I will not understand how one person can stomp all over another and forsake their vows and still love them. I believe that you CAN overcome this with TWO PARTNERS willing. But less than that, I do not.

Ok, Kayleigh, we all have motivations for what we do. What do you think is your H's motivation for the affairs. Has he always been this emotionally distant or is this a new thing? How long have you been married? <BR>When did things begin to go wrong or have they always been not too good?<P>I've been dealing with my H's affair for 5 years now, off and on...so I do have some experience with dealing with for a long time.<BR>When H was at home, I could say that he made no attempt to atone, make up or rebuild the marriage in any way...but if you asked him he<BR>did...by merely being there. That sounds crazy but he believes it...he thought he was making a great effort by remaining in the marriage after ending the affair with the "love of his live". His supreme sacrifice. And, predictably, when things didn't get any better, he left again. <P>So I'm saying, yes, to yourself, you are the injured party, the one to whom is owed all the retribution. But do you want retribution or your marriage back? Sure the affairs were wrong and hurtful, but he can't take those back or undue the pain, unless you let him. And that may mean offering him the "olive branch" of forgiveness. <P>If you think that at some time of each day I don't think "How could he do this?" you are wrong...but I have to decide what I want more...my H back or a divorce. A divorce would have been far easier on me, I know...then the years of dealing with this I have done. But as they say "Hope is fragile...but hard to kill" and I still have hope that this marriage can be rebuilt.<P>If you don't feel you have any love left for your H then perhaps you are right to give up and move on. I just think if there wasn't something still there you wouldn't be here.<BR>And the same can be said for your H still being in the marriage. Keeping circling each other and neither of you will be there much longer.<P>Buffy <P> <P> <P>

I feel the same way about how As affect one's perspective of the other partner and marriage. The marriage has changed ,you have also changed. It is good to hear that you have grown independant as a result of your H's A. <P>I have also stopped the aching longing for him when he is overseas, and how I wished he wre with me type of feelings. Now I have my own life back, I live it, and not pine for him to be by my side. In fact the opposite is true now. I am sticking it out for my baby's sake.<P>Yes, infidelity is a grave form of abuse - of trust, of emotions, of the wedding vows, etc..<P>For me, I have given my WS back to God - to change him and make him repent and to make him feel my pain, and to make him responsible for his family.<P>It is really horrific what my WS was capable of - in my view and in his view as well. I can empathise with the feeling about how good you feel when you don't have to deal with his demands. Now, we have live in help. I can't do anything for him anymore - I used to hold a full-time job, do 90% of the housework, have sex often, etc.. Now I can't lift my arms to do anything - betrayal has dealt me a blow and I can't sacrifice anymore.<P>However, if you want to try again for a particular reason - love, care and concern, he is the man for you , the children, he has truly repented, or...? You need to seek a third party's help to get you out of this quandary where neither of you want to move forward. I am not there yet, but I have heard and seen people who have reached there.<P>I live now happy that I have my life back and my heart has numbed for WS so I don't hurt when I think of his betrayal. Others may have the strength and courage to open the love again. I just need to love myself first and more and heal completely, then can I think about loving others. You can, in place of the old love, treat your WS as a friend and companion, and see what improvement there is.<P>My WS and I are just existing when we are together now, when we once had a full program. I still cannot get over the scare and hurt and betrayal. I am at the peak of my life and I am often tempted to start anew, I may someday, who knows.<P> BUt I also know that sometime in the future, something has to improve or we will go our separate ways. You know what you want in your heart and mind - you can listen to it. You can also weigh the pros and cons of staying and leaving. <P>Unless you two get a jumpstart, you may just fall away and part. Is this whatyou want and why?<P>God Bless and Loves You<BR>weep