<BR>I have been married four 4.5 years to a great man. We dated in college, got married, and now have on child. I have always wanted this; I've always wanted a husband and a family. I would be happy, but I just don't know how to deal with several issues my husband "brings to the table". Almost since I've know him, I has "noticed other women" in such a way that I would "notice him notice". I don't think he's very discreet about it, and it has always bothered me. Only now, after our child has come, I don't feel very attractive anymore and he has told me that I don't fit his "mind's eye" of what the ideal woman is anymore. He has told me things about myself that he would change and makes comments about other women. Last year, he told me that he "was extremely attracted" to a woman he worked with. He followed that up with "I'm just not as attracted to you anymore". It hurt very much, but we have tried to work on it. I gave in and acknowledged that "all guys look and admire" although it hurts me to know he does it. <P>Now, he is working at another job, with a new group of men. He is an aerospace engineer who works with several single men as well as married. There has been several instances since he's worked there that he has been engaged in conversations about certain attractive women there at their job with his co-workers. He finally admitted last night, after I practically interrogated, that he looks at women, but that there are several that he finds attractive and would try to date if he were not married to me.<P>I feel hurt, betrayed, and insecure. When I am with several of my girlfriends, we talk about all sorts of stuff. But, I never disrespect him by mentioning other guys. Please help, someone. I really need some insight. m.c.w.

I'm not an expert on this one, but I'll give you my opinion. I think all men look at other women....I believe that is natural. Some won't admit it because they think the answer must be no. So that alone isn't a big deal. Some might say that since he seems to be open about this and doesn't mind telling you someone is attractive, that it is better that way than the guy that pretends that he never looks at others.<P>I don't personally think it is very nice to tell you that he doesn't find you attractive anymore.<P>But I think the bigger issue is what you can learn by reading all the articles on this site, and buying the books, such as His Needs/Her Needs. You don't say how well everything is between you two, and how fulfilled you both are with each other with regard to conversation, recreation, affection, etc. If that is all working great, then I personally wouldn't worry too much. But maybe there are some things that you can do to make things better. I really think too many couples (I've been there and am in a mess now, my spouse has someone else, and wants to leave) let their relationship go into coast mode and don't help it continuously get stronger.<P>If that sounds like you guys, get some books, such as the one I mentioned, and even others that deal with spicing up your romance etc.<P>I'm probably assuming too much here, but just take a good look at things and do anything you can to make things better. There is lots of information out there.

You know, it is human nature to notice the opposite sex.<P>I bet if you think about it, you know a guy or two you might be interested in dating if you weren't married, don't you?<P>My POV is that spouses should be kind to each other and respectful...I would not apprciate it if my H made comments about other women in front of me, or was too obviouslyt learing at them. But, sure he notices them, and sometimes I notice him eyeing a particularly cute butt...<P>Consider this. If our spouses magically quit being attracted to others when they married, then the fact that they continue to come home to us wouldn't mean very much, would it? The reason it takes love and commitment to stay married is bcs we are all quite able to be attracted to others.<P>I bet if he made you feel more attractive, you would mind much less his noticing others. So, what can you do & what can he do to help in that area?<P>

<BR>I understand what both of you are saying. I now realize that most human beings notice other human beings. And, it shouldn't be any big deal to me that my husband looks, yacks to his colleagues about women, and all that good guy stuff. But, the truth is he was so hard on me for gaining weight after our daughter was born that I feel so ugly when he mentions anyone else. He has since recoiled his opinions about my attractiveness (I don't believe him.), but I just don't think I'll ever feel capable of turning him on the way I used to in college. I have lost a significant amount of weight and feel pretty good about myself, but I can't forget that he was such a monster to me when I was not at my best. I needed him to love and accept me then.<P>To make this story worse, he masturbates all the time. He admitted to me in May of this year that he has even masturbated thinking of my younger sister, my best friend's younger sister, and several other people we know. I don't think I would mind his looking so much, but when I think of him gathering all of his "creative images" for masturbating when he is "gooning" at other women, my depression heightens. <P>I know my story is not nearly as serious or noteworthy. But, I'm very bothered. Honestly, I notice other guys. Hell, I notice babies, other women--young and old; I notice lots of things. I just wish that my husband hadn't made me feel so bad about myself early in our marriage. I feel that if he hadn't destroyed my confidence and sense of self-esteem, I wouldn't care or be so worried that he is going to actually start an affair at work with one of the women he can't keep his eyes off of.<P>Almost every story I read about at this site, the spouse has an affair with someone at their job that he/she found attractive. I just know it's going to happen to me. m.c.w

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>He admitted to me in May of this<BR>year that he has even masturbated thinking of my younger sister, my best friend's<BR>younger sister, and several other people we know. I don't think I would mind his looking<BR> so much, but when I think of him gathering all of his "creative images" for masturbating<BR>when he is "gooning" at other women, my depression heightens. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Ah, now this is diffrent. To me there is a huge difference in appreciating looking at other people, and this...<P>Gross...no wonder you feel awful.<P>He should not be masturbating while lusting after other women you know. I think Harley even has an article on how sexual stuff should focus only on your spouse...<P>Have you and he talked about how this makes you feel?<BR>

<BR>We talk. But, it doesn't do any good. He says that he is "just a man". He feels that I am stifling that by stressing out about who he thinks about while masturbating. He says that all the guys at work or who he's ever known looks at women, talks about them, etc. He says that I am just being insecure. I feel like he has made the entire female population my enemy, including my sister who I love very much. He acts as though there are parts of his life that I shouldn't be included in i.e, his masturbation, looking at women, and his "guy talk". He says that if I am only going to get upset, DON'T ASK. I don't like being left out. I don't want him engaged in anything that he can't share with me. It's not fair. And, I think it leads to more inappropriate activity, which he thinks he absurd. But, if he wants to keep secrets now, where will it stop? And as long as I don't ask and "let him be a man", I shouldn't have any problems, right? m.c.w.

Welcome Musicalnotes:<P>Don't worry that your problem doesn't sound as serious as some of the others here. It's wonderful you are trying to get help for this problems before it gets more serious. <P>My experience with my H noticing other women is not that he did or does but the degree.<BR>Prior to the beginning of his MLC he might have noticed other women but he was not as blatant about it as he was later and as he is now. Yes I think a little looking is to be expected along with the boy-talk.<P>Things began to change however when he began to go through his MLC. Suddenly he started telling me when women said something to him about his being looking good that day or losing weight. It was strange...I didn't quite know what he expected me to say...to reinforce what they had told him...which I usually did...or to just ignore him. It began happening more and more. Then he had the affair.<P>Maybe if I had been aware of the MB then I could have recognized he was having trouble with the emotional need for admiration and made a special effort to help him. You still have a chance to make a difference. It will be so much harder after an affair.<P>Get a copy of "His Needs, Her Needs" and see if you can bone up on what you could do to build up his confidence. If you don't someone else probably will. <P>I think sometimes in a marriage we become emotional starved for one thing or the other, not because our mates mean to but just out of being too comfortable with each other and neglect. Consider his opening up to you about his attraction to other women as a wake-up call and do something about it.<P>Buffy<P>