Some of you may know my story (WS, A happened about three months ago, currently working things through with the W). Just needed to dump for a moment.<P>Things were going relatively well with the W in the past few weeks. We had both flown cross-country to help clear out her grandmother's apartment after she was put in a nursing home, worked closely together, were getting along.<P>We attended a wedding yesterday, the first we've been to since the A occurred. It seemed to go well and have a good time, but when we got back to our apartment, she shut herself in the bathroom and was very sad, depressed and borderline hostile. Said she'd never be able to hear anyone take their wedding vows the same way again, said she never used to worry that she wasn't "good enough" for me, but that she did now, didn't want to talk, etc. Then, later that night, we had sex.<P>I don't blame her for feeling terrible; I blame myself. And I want her to feel whatever way she needs to feel. I guess I'm just wondering if anyone recognizes these kinds of patterns -- good days followed by bad, good moments followed by bad, intense sadness even months afterwards. How did you all deal with this? Did things ever even out? Is there anything I can do to help her feel better?<P>Thanks in advance. Just feeling pretty crappy today and needed to "download", if that makes any sense.

Hey Taxman,<P>sounds like your wife is going thru the grieving process of "ending" the affair. You're doing the right thing by allowing her to "feel".<P>Simply be there for her and give her LOTS and LOTS of love and support.<P>We'll be here for you to vent and LB is you have to.<P>I wish you and your wife a full recovery. Hang in there and know you are a good man and husband. None of this is easy ... to say the least, but it will be worth it once things calm down and become normal again.<P>Take care of yourself too, can't say that enough.<P>HUGS!<P>Jo

Taxman,<P>What she is going through is normal. It has been 2 years since d-day for us, I still have bad days, not as often but they are they. <P>She needs every bit of love, encouragement , affection and attention you can give her right now.<P>When your spouse cheats on you it does something to your selfesteem. I know it has messed me up badly. <P>If you said cruel mean things during the A it is twice as hard. But even if you didn't she may feel like she is second best, I know I feel like I am the booby prize for Mike. Something inside me says that if OW hadn't stayed with her h on Dday and had agreed to come with my h he would have left me, he says not , but I just can't believe him.<P>Be very careful what you do, things that you may not see as a big deal may hurt her badly and make her feel second best. My h tends to be a rescuer, if a woman comes to him with a sad story he wants to be her friend which tears my heart out. It has never failed to lead to problems with us.<P>And yes the wedding was a trigger for her, when you are cheated on it makes it seem like the vows you took were a lie, a farce. I know I felt like the 20 years of our marriage were a lie after H's last affair.<P>Love her Taxman, love her with everything you have in you. She needs it more now than ever before.<P>------------------<BR>Deb<P>Hepatitis C, Please educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In" TARGET=_blank>http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In</A> memory of a very dear friend <A HREF="http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp" TARGET=_blank>http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp</A>

Hi,<P>Was wondering what happened to you.<P>Try to be in her shoes and you will understand the betrayal and "I must have been not the best, and he just wants something that he is missing from me" feeling. If you can be truthful, you can write her your feelings and rededicate your love to her. I think she still believes her place is next to you but she is also very uncertain about the future. It scares her that you can betray her so easily. She probably wonders whether you will betray her again.<P>Wedding vows are so important and she must feel so let down. Once the vows have been broken, one lose the sacredness that marriage is meant to be. I actually want to vomit when I think of our weeding vows.<P>Your wife needs your total unwavering support and lots of love and declarations of love. She may or may not like affectionate gestures. I was the publicly affectionate type but not my WS; now he wants to be such I hate it. So, just continue with the types of gestures of love as before but with more frequency. You have to show you love and care for her in front of friends and family.<P>I think your wife is very lucky that you come on MB site to get solutions and help to make her feel better. My WS is very unhappy that I am into this site - I am not sure if he lurks. I also wish my WS is more accepting of the blame but he seems to continue to hold on to the reasons (excuses) of blackmails.<P>It will take a while for your wife to feel less and less triggers. I hope both of you have gone for counselling and healing. Further down the road, when you are ready (may be several years later), you might want to do a rededication of marriage vows in front of witnesses. You can bring that up to her and ask her if that is something she would look forward to in the future?<P>You can also repropose to her. YOu can make it so special and take photos and videos of the proposal. <P>And then, please please protect yourself and don't ever have another A ever, whatever the circumstances.<P>God Bless<BR>weep

To all who replied: Thanks very much, it helped a bunch. More specifically:<P>Resilient: I'm the WS in this situation, though I probably didn't make that clear. I hope that the offer of support still stands, even though that's the case. If so, I appreciate it.<P>Deb_Bozos: Thanks for the advice, and I'm very sorry for your own situation, which must be very hard for you. Hearing the vows at the wedding we attended on Saturday was difficult for me as well, very bittersweet. Almost like re-living the site of my failure. It's still hard for me to believe that I failed in such a spectacular, irrevocable way. I'll try to keep loving her as best I know how. My only concern is that I didn't appear to know very much about that only a few short months ago.<P>weep: I think you're right. One of the things my W said she hated most to lose was the possibility that over time, our vows, taken in front of all our friends, would become almost "holy." And this is from a woman who's pretty much a pagan. I know how hard this is for ME, and how much more difficult it must be for her. I think I was feeling low just because seeing her in distress was a reminder of what I'd done, which led to a whole new round of self-recriminations, feeling of being unworthy, etc. I'm also very sorry for your situation, which I recall as being fairly intricate, involving alleged blackmail, a long period of time, etc. You have my best wishes that things will turn around for you soon.<P>Again, thanks to all.