I have to admit, that some days, I don't think I have any strength left to continue on this turbulent ride.<P>This past week I have given some serious consideration to getting an apartment and launching into Plan B. The problem is that I'm very conflicted.<P>Here are the Pros and Cons:<P>Cons<P>H is still in contact with OW, and last week he took off for two days, leaving me with just a vague note. Upon returning, he said he needed to get away to 'clear his head' & that he went alone, although he admitted he met OW & some of her friends for lunch on his way back. I suspect there was more.<P>H is able to meet very few of my emotional needs right now. He wants no intimacy with me and is watching x-rated movies by himself.<P>I go crazy when he does his 'disappearing acts', and have a very difficult time concentrating at work. I'm starting a new job next week and this really concerns me.<P>I feel like I am 'enabling' his fence strattling by remaining in this situation. And, that he won't take a stand until I do something.<P>On the other hand, I worry about how he will react if I do leave. He is not in a good state of mind at the moment.<P>Pros<P>H is seeing a psychiatrist and I found out this week that he's been diagnosed with major depression, organic mood disorder and post traumatic stress. The doctor feels the prognosis is good once he gets the chemical imbalances in his brain stabilized.<P>H has been very good about taking all of his medications, going to his appointments, and having all prescribed tests done.<P>H & I are seeing a therapist together. H is very conscientious about going to the appointments. To the point of scheduling his rendevous with OW around one of our sessions!<P>H has told me that he doesn't feel complete without me. Also that he feels like he's stuck up to his shoulders in mire and muck and that he's clinging to me, even though he knows that I can't pull him out. He views me as his link to reality.<P>Ever since his latest rendevous, he has been willing to open up to me and we've had a couple of good discussions.<P>Today he asked me if I'd sail around the world with him. This is the first time in ages that he's actually expressed any type of goal (even one of an escapist nature).<P>Sheesh, most days I feel like Alice in Wonderland. <BR>

Wow, Sydney, talk about a major MLC> I say stay...keep going to counseling and wait it out. I think it's great that your H is also going to a psychiatrist. My H is going to a counselor....but as far as I know, no meds.<P>At least he is opening up to you alittle. Remember, the OW is not the problem....really just a complicating factor.<P>Somehow these OP seem to just be able to allow our S's to be "who" they think they are or want to be at this moment that they are "changing" or in their crisis.<P>My H's crisis is all work related. He is really into his professional persona. He always disliked people like that, but now he is one....It just goes to show you how much this is out of their control. The OW is his assistant and is really boosting his ability to reach his "pinnacle" (whatever that is for him) My H hasn't lived here since Feb. and we have only recently been able to have a relatively normal conversation....(with no relationship talk)<P>As difficult as it is, I think you really do have to detach...at least from the personalizing it. SHarley still gave the MLC or "giver snap" the same time line, but from what I've been reading it can go on for a couple of years.

Thanks, TT.<P>You are right in trying not to personalize it. They are sick (at least in my H's case, for sure). Even he is at the point where he recognizes & acknowledges it. But, it is so hard sometimes to not think that they are using that as an excuse and simply 'running a routine'. <P>At least I know that it bothers him and he does feel guilty when he takes off to be with OW. A couple of days before he left this time, he was very irritable and hostile towards me. I'm sure now it was because he was feeling guilty. Upon his return, he was very loving and cordial. Harley is right. It's like an addiction and once they get their 'fix', they feel better.<P>I told him today that he is the only one who can pull himself out of the muck and mire. That I can't do it for him. I broached the subject of leaving in a very positive way and said that maybe if I was out of the picture, he could find the strength within himself to do it.<P>Even though he seems to think the medication isn't making much of a difference, I do see some very subtle and positive changes in him. He is not nearly so self absorbed as he was. He is taking some initiative around the house. Once in awhile he is showing me some affection.<P>I do feel as though I am detaching. Most of the time, I just feel numb.<P>I wonder about this OW that is clinging relentlessly to him. I asked him today if she knows he is sick. He said, "yes". I asked if she knows that she is making it worse. He said, "I don't think so." Then, I wonder what he is telling her, too.<P>Sometimes, I sink into despair and think that things are never going to get better.

Please do not take this as a scolding <P>I know you are getting a little depressed too, knowing that some of your EN's are not being met...but at this time, is this the most important thing for you? Or is saving your marriage, and thanking your H and God every time you have one of those kind words or little showings of affection from H. <P>At least your h is clinically treatable with meds. His old self may return with stabilizing his brain chemicals. We live with: MLC, maybe. Boredom, maybe. W doesn't have that same look when married, maybe. All these things can be and are factors-- and many more!<P><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>He wants no intimacy with me...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE></B> <BR>My h shows me nothing. His emotions are in a black hole. They have been since his A started. 17 mos now(no intimacy in all this time). Almost 2 mos since dday. No I love you's, no compassion, no leaving the OW, no confindences, No looks straight in the eye, no gentle touches or holding hands. My EN's are in the red, but I love the jerk and I am going to keep telling him I love him until he sees me!<P>Then we will see where we stand. I love him, but if he cannot change, as I am striving to make changes, and H expects me to live like I have for the past several years, NO. I need love, deserve love and I need someone who isn't affraid to show me!<P><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>H has told me that he doesn't feel complete without me. <P>Ever since his latest rendevous, he has been willing to open up to me and we've had a couple of good discussions.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE></B><P><BR>Thank your stars for whatever progress you make. I know how you are feeling in the other departments, you are not alone. Faith, love, support and constancy is all you can offer right now. Take what HE can offer, and be positive. The rest may come in time...<p>[This message has been edited by burnedspouse (edited September 25, 2000).]

Hi BS,<P>Thanks for the reply. I suppose the problem that I'm beginning to have is I'm having serious doubts as to whether this IS the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I feel like I have grown an enormous amount over the past 18 months, and I am light years ahead of him in the emotional department. I have made a couple of very significant & positive changes. But, instead of him being happy for me, he says he is envious of me. Now, I suppose that could just be the depression talking, but, I want to be able to continue to grow without the fear of making him feel less of a person. Or, he could be fearful of losing me. It's hard to know because he bottles up all of his emotion.<P>On one hand, I'm thinking that Plan B is the way to go because I am slowly losing all respect and love for him. But, on the other, I'm afraid that once I depart, there will be no going back.